I need to up my game.

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 4

The fact that I am an alcoholic is not a secret anymore. I can't stay sober. But, even if I can't stay sober for now, I want to stay porn-free, I want to try hard to make it happen. I got a little drunk yesterday and I was pushed hard to start edging to porn but I resisted.

I really need to do something about my drinking, man. Not only for the sake of porn rebooting, but for my sake.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Porn needs to be abandoned completely, in all its shapes and forms, if we want to make it. Now, when we are highly addicted, there is no room for "a little taste". We must stop feeding ourselves this lie that we can handle "a little bit" or that a picture on social media is nothing. Because it is a lot, it is a lot when you go through massive urges and craving. Maybe it won't be a lot anymore after a year no porn but right now? We need to completely abandon porn. Cutting down doesn't help because it feeds the addiction. The addiction can be starved to death but it can't be starved to death if we feed it even a little. Watching less porn means you are still using.

Also, the problem of "hypersexual thoughts" needs to be always brought to the light. What are the hypersexual thoughts? The flashbacks, the fantasies created using porn and such things like those. They need to be avoided, as in not given attention, ignored, left alone. If you drown in them, they create massive urges because they create massive dopamine. Good luck staying porn free after hypersexual buffet in the mind. Not to forget that they release dopamine which means we feed the fuckin addiction.

Complete abandonment to porn.

It's not a matter of "Easier said than done", it's a matter of "Alright, let's do this."
 

Takeoff

Member
I got a little drunk yesterday and I was pushed hard to start edging to porn but I resisted.
I drink very rarely, but one time when I got drunk I came home, went to bed and a few minutes later I relapsed for some reason. It really doesn't help in leaving the PMO addiction, but it's a great tool for auto-destruction.
Have in mind that ethanol alters neurons' membranes as well as their ion channels, enzymes, binds directly to the GABA & serotonin & acetylcholine receptors and also NMDA receptors for glutamate... Inhibits NMDA functioning, binds to glycine receptors... Two of my main interests are psychopharmacology and neurobiology and honestly, I can't think of any drug with wider effects on the brain than ethyl alcohol. Not even mentioning what it makes the liver & pancreas go through.

The whole thing I wrote above was written just because I have some hope in me that it might show you, with just cold facts, how ethanol actually affects the body.
I really hope you get better. I wish I knew how to help you more, but if I did, I probably wouldn't be doing drugs myself.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I drink very rarely, but one time when I got drunk I came home, went to bed and a few minutes later I relapsed for some reason. It really doesn't help in leaving the PMO addiction, but it's a great tool for auto-destruction.
Have in mind that ethanol alters neurons' membranes as well as their ion channels, enzymes, binds directly to the GABA & serotonin & acetylcholine receptors and also NMDA receptors for glutamate... Inhibits NMDA functioning, binds to glycine receptors... Two of my main interests are psychopharmacology and neurobiology and honestly, I can't think of any drug with wider effects on the brain than ethyl alcohol. Not even mentioning what it makes the liver & pancreas go through.

The whole thing I wrote above was written just because I have some hope in me that it might show you, with just cold facts, how ethanol actually affects the body.
I really hope you get better. I wish I knew how to help you more, but if I did, I probably wouldn't be doing drugs myself.
Hey, man, thank you for the information.
 

Wolfman

Active Member
Relapse. Binge all day.
You're not alone. You, along with many others, are on the frontier of the human experience. We see your suffering, we acknowledge your pain, and we are with you in your utmost vulnerability but we cannot make the choice for you. Only you can do that.

Will you make the choice in ten years? Of course. Will you make it in five? Surely. Will you make it next year? Definetly. Will you make it in a month? Perhaps. Will you make it next week? Uncertain. Will you make it tomorrow? Probably not. Will you make it now? No.

In the end, it doesn't matter. The choice has to be made again and again.

I hope and pray you make the right choice Escape, but nobody else but you can make it right. What a tremendous power we have, so tremendous it's terrifying and any indulgance seems justified to avert our eyes to this truth that nothing truly determines us one way or another but our own conscious choice. Take courage, Escape, and turn the tide against yourself.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
You're not alone. You, along with many others, are on the frontier of the human experience. We see your suffering, we acknowledge your pain, and we are with you in your utmost vulnerability but we cannot make the choice for you. Only you can do that.

Will you make the choice in ten years? Of course. Will you make it in five? Surely. Will you make it next year? Definetly. Will you make it in a month? Perhaps. Will you make it next week? Uncertain. Will you make it tomorrow? Probably not. Will you make it now? No.

In the end, it doesn't matter. The choice has to be made again and again.

I hope and pray you make the right choice Escape, but nobody else but you can make it right. What a tremendous power we have, so tremendous it's terrifying and any indulgance seems justified to avert our eyes to this truth that nothing truly determines us one way or another but our own conscious choice. Take courage, Escape, and turn the tide against yourself.
Thanks for support, man. Yes, you're right. Nobody does this for yourself, it's your process, people can only offer support. I don't know if I can do something this year anymore, I wish I could, but my process is abysmal recently. I've fallen really hard since the summer. I'm relapsing myself to death.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 0

I'm so fuckin embarrassed to talk the talk but not to walk the walk. Will I have the mental strength not to completely waste this year and get at least a month? Fuckin shit. I am not even sure I could. I am not motivated anymore. I am tired of starting again, sometimes I just don't want to start anymore and live the junkie lifestyle binging every day like I used to.
 

Wolfman

Active Member
Years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds... what does it matter? These are all just constructions we make to keep track of things, which, useful as they are, are not the real thing. Does the heart keep a schedule with its beats? No - it goes on for as long as it can. Do kids measure the time when they're having fun? No, they enjoy and live it, time just "becomes them". You've gotta start pumping the heart of choosing who you want to be, escape, so you can get the life you truly want, and it's got nothing to do how much is left of this year or how many times you've relapsed. The future and the past can become tyrannical, and then I suggest you focus on your immediacy; take what's around you, can you reshuffle something, can you perhaps clean up, can you perhaps do something you really like the next hour?

I have recently been trying out cold showers to shake things up. I cannot do more than 15-20 seconds of my head and shoulders under maximal cold, but it's enough to jolt my system. Maybe something you could try? If not - you have to keep trying new things, otherwise how do you expect things to change?

I don't believe you are not motivated Escape. If you really were not motivated, you wouldn't come back and write that post. I dare you to go back to a life of full on junkie and abandon this forum, to go back to all the misery and life of permanent failure. I don't believe you consciously want that, and I also believe you are much better than this.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds... what does it matter? These are all just constructions we make to keep track of things, which, useful as they are, are not the real thing. Does the heart keep a schedule with its beats? No - it goes on for as long as it can. Do kids measure the time when they're having fun? No, they enjoy and live it, time just "becomes them". You've gotta start pumping the heart of choosing who you want to be, escape, so you can get the life you truly want, and it's got nothing to do how much is left of this year or how many times you've relapsed. The future and the past can become tyrannical, and then I suggest you focus on your immediacy; take what's around you, can you reshuffle something, can you perhaps clean up, can you perhaps do something you really like the next hour?

I have recently been trying out cold showers to shake things up. I cannot do more than 15-20 seconds of my head and shoulders under maximal cold, but it's enough to jolt my system. Maybe something you could try? If not - you have to keep trying new things, otherwise how do you expect things to change?

I don't believe you are not motivated Escape. If you really were not motivated, you wouldn't come back and write that post. I dare you to go back to a life of full on junkie and abandon this forum, to go back to all the misery and life of permanent failure. I don't believe you consciously want that, and I also believe you are much better than this.
Alright. I got the idea. Maybe you're right.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I really need to quit drinking. Yesterday I got so fuckin drunk. Tanked. Sometimes it amazes me how much I've ended up being able to drink. It was 3:40 in the morning when I went to sleep. I woke up at 10 AM feeling sick. This cannot continue. I don't like what I turn into when I'm drunk and I don't like the hangovers. Not to forget that I can't fucking stay porn free because of drinking. I'm a fucking alcoholic.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1

I'm not declaring anything anymore. I'm trying to stay clean today and then I'll see. My recovery process has been a mess lately. My alcohol consumption got out of control again and I'm trapped in 2 fuckin addictions. Yes, maybe I can hear what some people might think: Try to quit one at a time. Alright, but you know that moment when you've had enough with your addiction? I'm at a point where I'm sick of both, I loathe the idea of indulging in any of them even one more time, they've done too much damage in my life to want to continue using. I know that trying to quit to addictions at once is fuckin hard but I know people (not personally) who have done something like this, quitting drugs and alcohol, multiple drugs, and it's possible. Right now I feel like shit. I'm tired. I went to sleep at 11 PM, I woke up at 11 AM and I still feel as if I slept only 2 hours.
 
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