Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I don't know who my best version is.
I need to up my game.
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Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 2
Of course, it will take a while for me to feel better. Right now I feel the typical: Lethargic, nothing excites me, high anxiety, agitation.
Of course, it will take a while for me to feel better. Right now I feel the typical: Lethargic, nothing excites me, high anxiety, agitation.
Of course P hijacks the reward circuitry of the brain, but given a short amount of time, you will come back down to a place of normalcy, a feeling good naturally. You just have to give it a chance.
Treat the unwanted behaviors as your worst enemy, but yourself as your best friend.
Create that space between yourself and your last lapse... You've done it before.
Thursday2112
New Member
I’m new to the nation and have been finding literal treasures on here, your story being one of them. Living it day to day has certainly given you a perspective, but to me having read it over in a few hours, I have quite another. Where you have seen failure, I have seen unbelievable tenacity. When I relapse, the real me goes away. For months or for years the liar steps into my shoes and lives my life while I waste away in the fog. Reading about you dusting yourself off and trying again inspires me to be better.
I can only speak to my own experience which may or may not be helpful. I have realized that regardless of what we choose to do in this life, a sacrifice must be offered or a sacrifice will be taken. On the one hand I have my wife, my children, my career, my home, my relationships with extended family and all of the things that, through thoughtful consideration, bring me joy. On the other hand I have this thing that comforts me when I am bored, tired, stressed and to a certain extent, feel sexual desire. The one asks me to be my higher self, the other asks for me to be my base self. When I look at the two sides in cold logic, the choice seems ridiculously obvious. So if I make my choice, what am I willing to sacrifice? I’m finding that I have to be willing to sacrifice anything because to accept the pornography, it will take everything else as it’s sacrifice.
Use your tenacity to your advantage. Study yourself during this crucible. Learn everything you can about who you are. Think about the things that you want out of life so that you can begin to desire them in a way that you are willing to make sacrifices. With every slip, follow it back to its source. Find what you will need to sacrifice to get what you really want. Sometimes those things will be relationships, sometimes it will be entire genres of entertainment. What will you be willing to lay on the altar? In sterquiliniis invenitur. It literally means in filth it will be found, but what it means to people like us is that what we most want to find will be in the place we least want to look.
Please take this for what it is worth. It’s from one addict to another. I pretend to no special knowledge, I am mostly preaching this sermon to myself. Good luck brother.
I can only speak to my own experience which may or may not be helpful. I have realized that regardless of what we choose to do in this life, a sacrifice must be offered or a sacrifice will be taken. On the one hand I have my wife, my children, my career, my home, my relationships with extended family and all of the things that, through thoughtful consideration, bring me joy. On the other hand I have this thing that comforts me when I am bored, tired, stressed and to a certain extent, feel sexual desire. The one asks me to be my higher self, the other asks for me to be my base self. When I look at the two sides in cold logic, the choice seems ridiculously obvious. So if I make my choice, what am I willing to sacrifice? I’m finding that I have to be willing to sacrifice anything because to accept the pornography, it will take everything else as it’s sacrifice.
Use your tenacity to your advantage. Study yourself during this crucible. Learn everything you can about who you are. Think about the things that you want out of life so that you can begin to desire them in a way that you are willing to make sacrifices. With every slip, follow it back to its source. Find what you will need to sacrifice to get what you really want. Sometimes those things will be relationships, sometimes it will be entire genres of entertainment. What will you be willing to lay on the altar? In sterquiliniis invenitur. It literally means in filth it will be found, but what it means to people like us is that what we most want to find will be in the place we least want to look.
Please take this for what it is worth. It’s from one addict to another. I pretend to no special knowledge, I am mostly preaching this sermon to myself. Good luck brother.
Carl_Smith
Active Member
Sorry to hear about the alcoholism, man. But you admitted it, so that's step 1. Personally, my vanity keeps me away from beer and such (don't want a belly). Fight a sin with a sin, eh?
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Hey, man, thanks for stopping by to write this. Things need to be said. The more is said, the more chances there are to find useful things.
Now, you know, that's the point: Between a life and porn, there is only one thing to sacrifice: and that's the life. Giving up porn is not a sacrifice because porn gives us nothing. It's nothing important for our lives, it's only porn's own brainwashing that makes us feel it is actually something very important for self-medication and sexual needs. In reality, we can live without problems if porn is not present in our lives. We have the tools inside. But I see why it's easy to fall victim to the brainwashing. A lot of us, all of us I dare to say, have fallen victim to the idea that porn is great and we would deprive ourselves of it if we tried to quit it. We can experience pleasure without porn, we can deal with discomfort without porn.
There are other things to be sacrificed, of course. If drinking makes you watch porn, it needs to go. If some friends are addicted and remind you of porn and show you porn, they need to go if they don't want to accept the fact that you don't want to have to do anything with porn anymore. If your girlfriend is "a little bit too much porn", maybe she needs to go too. At least for a while, until the hard phase goes away and we can have control because when you are fully addicted, porn is mostly in control, you have some control but it requires to avoid porn and substitutes and be strict about it. Even caffeine intensify my urges, man. It needs to go too. Now when it comes to this, it could suck. You might have to give up some things in order to make porn work but if quitting porn is not your number 1 priority, you won't have much success. After what porn has done to my life in more than 10 years, I have to place it on the number 1 spot on the list. There is no other way. I think I want to choose "decency" over all this hypersexualized society. It's hard but I can't stay porn-free if I welcome the indecency.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Thanks, man.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Fuckin alcohol has killed many promising porn-free streaks, man. I wish I wasn't addicted to it.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 3
It's my last free day but I woke up at 5 AM and couldn't sleep anymore. Anxiety is high.
It's my last free day but I woke up at 5 AM and couldn't sleep anymore. Anxiety is high.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 4
Tiredness and anxiety push me really hard towards porn but I must avoid touching that filth. The time is now! Time flies, you could still be an addict in 10-15 years from now, there is no tomorrow, it's "now"!
Tiredness and anxiety push me really hard towards porn but I must avoid touching that filth. The time is now! Time flies, you could still be an addict in 10-15 years from now, there is no tomorrow, it's "now"!
I can certainly be a proof of this, lol...! I think several factors for me kept me from escalating what I was doing to where it would be super-obvious that I needed help, but I think I knew there were issues for me as far back as the years 1994 and on...
My battles have changed over the years, and several behaviors were stopped, but there was still something relating to 'sex' or 'porn' in some form or other I've always wrestled with.
But overall, even counting decades, it's been really a trajectory of progress and victory, despite the lapses... What prolonged the fight for me was 'how' I approached my issues. Because I was so hard on myself, so self-condemning and shameful, that I found it hard to believe that I could be free.
When you start truly believing, and being kind to yourself (even in the face of a lapse), the easier it will become.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I feel you, man. I've been trying to quit porn and masturbation since I was maybe 20 and I've known about porn addiction since I was around 25, it's been some years. I really don't want to carry this with me in my 40s. I haven't done much in my 20s to be honest and this bothers me, I could've been that much more productive that's why I want to do this in my 30s because it is what it is, I'm in my 30s now but like I said I don't want to have the same feeling at 40 that I have now.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 5
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 6
The craving is getting intense.
The craving is getting intense.
Ignore it like a nagging ex-girlfriend that you don't want to see. I know it can feel like 'life-or-death' at times, it coming from the survival part of our brain, but you can outlast any urge, and overrule any urges from the lower brain.
Think of the reward you'll feel when you go beyond your latest number of days...! If you lapsed, you're doing good in standing up to this thing, and you will eventually win, keep getting up and advancing!
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Thanks for the support, man.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I crave dopamine like crazy. I feel low. 
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 7
Last time I relapsed on day 5.
I'm tempted. I have a long history of edging in the morning and playing porn in my head and this needs to be addressed. This morning I could see porn pushing its way forcefully in my head and "playing in front of my eyes" like a fuckin 4k definition screen. It's like a trance. But I tried, and succeeded, to get out of it. However, only because the urges were small. Had the urges been massive, I would've been in a lot more trouble. I can definitely see the role of repetitive practices with this addiction and "cues" like the fuckin bell for the dog. The cues are all sorts of things like words, seeing someone, a place etc. We need to pay attention to this.
I work night shift and I'm trying not to relapse because that makes me lose my mood completely for tonight. I'm very tempted.
Last time I relapsed on day 5.
I'm tempted. I have a long history of edging in the morning and playing porn in my head and this needs to be addressed. This morning I could see porn pushing its way forcefully in my head and "playing in front of my eyes" like a fuckin 4k definition screen. It's like a trance. But I tried, and succeeded, to get out of it. However, only because the urges were small. Had the urges been massive, I would've been in a lot more trouble. I can definitely see the role of repetitive practices with this addiction and "cues" like the fuckin bell for the dog. The cues are all sorts of things like words, seeing someone, a place etc. We need to pay attention to this.
I work night shift and I'm trying not to relapse because that makes me lose my mood completely for tonight. I'm very tempted.
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Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 8
I managed not to relapse yesterday and I was alright at work. But today I am even more tempted.
I managed not to relapse yesterday and I was alright at work. But today I am even more tempted.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Massive fuckin craving, man. I don't know if I can make it.
I don't know if I can make it.