I need to up my game.

Wolfman

Active Member
Relapse. Binge all day.
You're not alone. You, along with many others, are on the frontier of the human experience. We see your suffering, we acknowledge your pain, and we are with you in your utmost vulnerability but we cannot make the choice for you. Only you can do that.

Will you make the choice in ten years? Of course. Will you make it in five? Surely. Will you make it next year? Definetly. Will you make it in a month? Perhaps. Will you make it next week? Uncertain. Will you make it tomorrow? Probably not. Will you make it now? No.

In the end, it doesn't matter. The choice has to be made again and again.

I hope and pray you make the right choice Escape, but nobody else but you can make it right. What a tremendous power we have, so tremendous it's terrifying and any indulgance seems justified to avert our eyes to this truth that nothing truly determines us one way or another but our own conscious choice. Take courage, Escape, and turn the tide against yourself.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
You're not alone. You, along with many others, are on the frontier of the human experience. We see your suffering, we acknowledge your pain, and we are with you in your utmost vulnerability but we cannot make the choice for you. Only you can do that.

Will you make the choice in ten years? Of course. Will you make it in five? Surely. Will you make it next year? Definetly. Will you make it in a month? Perhaps. Will you make it next week? Uncertain. Will you make it tomorrow? Probably not. Will you make it now? No.

In the end, it doesn't matter. The choice has to be made again and again.

I hope and pray you make the right choice Escape, but nobody else but you can make it right. What a tremendous power we have, so tremendous it's terrifying and any indulgance seems justified to avert our eyes to this truth that nothing truly determines us one way or another but our own conscious choice. Take courage, Escape, and turn the tide against yourself.
Thanks for support, man. Yes, you're right. Nobody does this for yourself, it's your process, people can only offer support. I don't know if I can do something this year anymore, I wish I could, but my process is abysmal recently. I've fallen really hard since the summer. I'm relapsing myself to death.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 0

I'm so fuckin embarrassed to talk the talk but not to walk the walk. Will I have the mental strength not to completely waste this year and get at least a month? Fuckin shit. I am not even sure I could. I am not motivated anymore. I am tired of starting again, sometimes I just don't want to start anymore and live the junkie lifestyle binging every day like I used to.
 

Wolfman

Active Member
Years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds... what does it matter? These are all just constructions we make to keep track of things, which, useful as they are, are not the real thing. Does the heart keep a schedule with its beats? No - it goes on for as long as it can. Do kids measure the time when they're having fun? No, they enjoy and live it, time just "becomes them". You've gotta start pumping the heart of choosing who you want to be, escape, so you can get the life you truly want, and it's got nothing to do how much is left of this year or how many times you've relapsed. The future and the past can become tyrannical, and then I suggest you focus on your immediacy; take what's around you, can you reshuffle something, can you perhaps clean up, can you perhaps do something you really like the next hour?

I have recently been trying out cold showers to shake things up. I cannot do more than 15-20 seconds of my head and shoulders under maximal cold, but it's enough to jolt my system. Maybe something you could try? If not - you have to keep trying new things, otherwise how do you expect things to change?

I don't believe you are not motivated Escape. If you really were not motivated, you wouldn't come back and write that post. I dare you to go back to a life of full on junkie and abandon this forum, to go back to all the misery and life of permanent failure. I don't believe you consciously want that, and I also believe you are much better than this.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds... what does it matter? These are all just constructions we make to keep track of things, which, useful as they are, are not the real thing. Does the heart keep a schedule with its beats? No - it goes on for as long as it can. Do kids measure the time when they're having fun? No, they enjoy and live it, time just "becomes them". You've gotta start pumping the heart of choosing who you want to be, escape, so you can get the life you truly want, and it's got nothing to do how much is left of this year or how many times you've relapsed. The future and the past can become tyrannical, and then I suggest you focus on your immediacy; take what's around you, can you reshuffle something, can you perhaps clean up, can you perhaps do something you really like the next hour?

I have recently been trying out cold showers to shake things up. I cannot do more than 15-20 seconds of my head and shoulders under maximal cold, but it's enough to jolt my system. Maybe something you could try? If not - you have to keep trying new things, otherwise how do you expect things to change?

I don't believe you are not motivated Escape. If you really were not motivated, you wouldn't come back and write that post. I dare you to go back to a life of full on junkie and abandon this forum, to go back to all the misery and life of permanent failure. I don't believe you consciously want that, and I also believe you are much better than this.
Alright. I got the idea. Maybe you're right.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I really need to quit drinking. Yesterday I got so fuckin drunk. Tanked. Sometimes it amazes me how much I've ended up being able to drink. It was 3:40 in the morning when I went to sleep. I woke up at 10 AM feeling sick. This cannot continue. I don't like what I turn into when I'm drunk and I don't like the hangovers. Not to forget that I can't fucking stay porn free because of drinking. I'm a fucking alcoholic.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1

I'm not declaring anything anymore. I'm trying to stay clean today and then I'll see. My recovery process has been a mess lately. My alcohol consumption got out of control again and I'm trapped in 2 fuckin addictions. Yes, maybe I can hear what some people might think: Try to quit one at a time. Alright, but you know that moment when you've had enough with your addiction? I'm at a point where I'm sick of both, I loathe the idea of indulging in any of them even one more time, they've done too much damage in my life to want to continue using. I know that trying to quit to addictions at once is fuckin hard but I know people (not personally) who have done something like this, quitting drugs and alcohol, multiple drugs, and it's possible. Right now I feel like shit. I'm tired. I went to sleep at 11 PM, I woke up at 11 AM and I still feel as if I slept only 2 hours.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Day 2

Of course, it will take a while for me to feel better. Right now I feel the typical: Lethargic, nothing excites me, high anxiety, agitation.

Of course P hijacks the reward circuitry of the brain, but given a short amount of time, you will come back down to a place of normalcy, a feeling good naturally. You just have to give it a chance.

Treat the unwanted behaviors as your worst enemy, but yourself as your best friend.

Create that space between yourself and your last lapse... You've done it before.
 

Thursday2112

New Member
I’m new to the nation and have been finding literal treasures on here, your story being one of them. Living it day to day has certainly given you a perspective, but to me having read it over in a few hours, I have quite another. Where you have seen failure, I have seen unbelievable tenacity. When I relapse, the real me goes away. For months or for years the liar steps into my shoes and lives my life while I waste away in the fog. Reading about you dusting yourself off and trying again inspires me to be better.

I can only speak to my own experience which may or may not be helpful. I have realized that regardless of what we choose to do in this life, a sacrifice must be offered or a sacrifice will be taken. On the one hand I have my wife, my children, my career, my home, my relationships with extended family and all of the things that, through thoughtful consideration, bring me joy. On the other hand I have this thing that comforts me when I am bored, tired, stressed and to a certain extent, feel sexual desire. The one asks me to be my higher self, the other asks for me to be my base self. When I look at the two sides in cold logic, the choice seems ridiculously obvious. So if I make my choice, what am I willing to sacrifice? I’m finding that I have to be willing to sacrifice anything because to accept the pornography, it will take everything else as it’s sacrifice.

Use your tenacity to your advantage. Study yourself during this crucible. Learn everything you can about who you are. Think about the things that you want out of life so that you can begin to desire them in a way that you are willing to make sacrifices. With every slip, follow it back to its source. Find what you will need to sacrifice to get what you really want. Sometimes those things will be relationships, sometimes it will be entire genres of entertainment. What will you be willing to lay on the altar? In sterquiliniis invenitur. It literally means in filth it will be found, but what it means to people like us is that what we most want to find will be in the place we least want to look.

Please take this for what it is worth. It’s from one addict to another. I pretend to no special knowledge, I am mostly preaching this sermon to myself. Good luck brother.
 

Carl_Smith

Active Member
Sorry to hear about the alcoholism, man. But you admitted it, so that's step 1. Personally, my vanity keeps me away from beer and such (don't want a belly). Fight a sin with a sin, eh?
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I’m new to the nation and have been finding literal treasures on here, your story being one of them. Living it day to day has certainly given you a perspective, but to me having read it over in a few hours, I have quite another. Where you have seen failure, I have seen unbelievable tenacity. When I relapse, the real me goes away. For months or for years the liar steps into my shoes and lives my life while I waste away in the fog. Reading about you dusting yourself off and trying again inspires me to be better.

I can only speak to my own experience which may or may not be helpful. I have realized that regardless of what we choose to do in this life, a sacrifice must be offered or a sacrifice will be taken. On the one hand I have my wife, my children, my career, my home, my relationships with extended family and all of the things that, through thoughtful consideration, bring me joy. On the other hand I have this thing that comforts me when I am bored, tired, stressed and to a certain extent, feel sexual desire. The one asks me to be my higher self, the other asks for me to be my base self. When I look at the two sides in cold logic, the choice seems ridiculously obvious. So if I make my choice, what am I willing to sacrifice? I’m finding that I have to be willing to sacrifice anything because to accept the pornography, it will take everything else as it’s sacrifice.

Use your tenacity to your advantage. Study yourself during this crucible. Learn everything you can about who you are. Think about the things that you want out of life so that you can begin to desire them in a way that you are willing to make sacrifices. With every slip, follow it back to its source. Find what you will need to sacrifice to get what you really want. Sometimes those things will be relationships, sometimes it will be entire genres of entertainment. What will you be willing to lay on the altar? In sterquiliniis invenitur. It literally means in filth it will be found, but what it means to people like us is that what we most want to find will be in the place we least want to look.

Please take this for what it is worth. It’s from one addict to another. I pretend to no special knowledge, I am mostly preaching this sermon to myself. Good luck brother.
Hey, man, thanks for stopping by to write this. Things need to be said. The more is said, the more chances there are to find useful things.

Now, you know, that's the point: Between a life and porn, there is only one thing to sacrifice: and that's the life. Giving up porn is not a sacrifice because porn gives us nothing. It's nothing important for our lives, it's only porn's own brainwashing that makes us feel it is actually something very important for self-medication and sexual needs. In reality, we can live without problems if porn is not present in our lives. We have the tools inside. But I see why it's easy to fall victim to the brainwashing. A lot of us, all of us I dare to say, have fallen victim to the idea that porn is great and we would deprive ourselves of it if we tried to quit it. We can experience pleasure without porn, we can deal with discomfort without porn.

There are other things to be sacrificed, of course. If drinking makes you watch porn, it needs to go. If some friends are addicted and remind you of porn and show you porn, they need to go if they don't want to accept the fact that you don't want to have to do anything with porn anymore. If your girlfriend is "a little bit too much porn", maybe she needs to go too. At least for a while, until the hard phase goes away and we can have control because when you are fully addicted, porn is mostly in control, you have some control but it requires to avoid porn and substitutes and be strict about it. Even caffeine intensify my urges, man. It needs to go too. Now when it comes to this, it could suck. You might have to give up some things in order to make porn work but if quitting porn is not your number 1 priority, you won't have much success. After what porn has done to my life in more than 10 years, I have to place it on the number 1 spot on the list. There is no other way. I think I want to choose "decency" over all this hypersexualized society. It's hard but I can't stay porn-free if I welcome the indecency.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Of course P hijacks the reward circuitry of the brain, but given a short amount of time, you will come back down to a place of normalcy, a feeling good naturally. You just have to give it a chance.

Treat the unwanted behaviors as your worst enemy, but yourself as your best friend.

Create that space between yourself and your last lapse... You've done it before.
Thanks, man.
 
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