I need to up my game.

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Do you feel like the anxiety is coming from the unfulfilled purge to PMO/drink, or do you think you have always had the anxiety but have been using those to bury it, so when you don't you are forced to feel it?

For me I think it's the second. I always have had anxiety and used PMO as a bad way to cope. I didn't mention in my new journal, but I have finally admitted that I have social anxiety and generalized anxiety, largely driven by my perfectionism. I'm starting to work on that through CBT now. I suspect it is much easier to overcome these addictions if you also address the underlying cause. Might be worth starting there IF you feel like your situation is similar.

You've got this.
The "funny" thing in all this is that I don't even know. I've been struggling with this confusing for years. My mom has social anxiety issues so I used to think I had inherited it from her. But the thing is, when I was in elementary school I had no social anxiety. I was a very active student, I had good grades, teachers liked me because I was prepared, I went to the chalk board to write math, chemistry, physics stuff, I read in class in front of everybody and I had no problem doing all this. Then when I was 14, I developed a routine with two masturbation sessions each day while playing porn induced fantasies and porn flashbacks in my mind. Every single day. I started watching softcore porn movies after midnight on weekends and used them as flashbacks for my masturbation as well. And here my social anxiety started. At one point I started to think it was porn induced. But I really can't say, I would have to quit porn to know the truth. I have to say I regret not trying years ago to at least try to see if I could do something about my social anxiety. All I know is that we should die trying to fix the problem, not to die with it. But who the fuck knows what the fuck was going through my head, no even me. Anyway, all that shit is gone, I can't change it, but I could hurry up with this porn shit and at least be done with it earlier. Like this I could see the truth about my social anxiety. Cheers. Thanks for support.
 

logicprox

Active Member
Yeah, I feel you. I think I inherited some social anxiety from my mother. I don't remember having social anxiety as a kid. I think for me it really started developing in middle school and high school but got really bad when I started using PMO as a bad way to deal with it, and started dodging social situations and using PMO instead.

It's hard to know whether to focus on the PMO or the anxiety so I have just decided to do both at the same time this time around. Doing CBT/exposure therapy for the anxiety while working through my new plan for PMO.

We'll get through it. 2022 is the year. I'm pretending 2022 has started already though. :)
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Yeah, I feel you. I think I inherited some social anxiety from my mother. I don't remember having social anxiety as a kid. I think for me it really started developing in middle school and high school but got really bad when I started using PMO as a bad way to deal with it, and started dodging social situations and using PMO instead.

It's hard to know whether to focus on the PMO or the anxiety so I have just decided to do both at the same time this time around. Doing CBT/exposure therapy for the anxiety while working through my new plan for PMO.

We'll get through it. 2022 is the year. I'm pretending 2022 has started already though. :)
Yes, I understand what you mean. With me it's that fuckin shit: I didn't have social anxiety then I did. And it was a coincidence with me masturbating twice a day to porn fantasies and flashbacks. The question one day of course it became like this: Was I meant to have social anxiety or it's because of masturbation/porn? And the confusion started.
 

Robby82

Member
Yes, I understand what you mean. With me it's that fuckin shit: I didn't have social anxiety then I did. And it was a coincidence with me masturbating twice a day to porn fantasies and flashbacks. The question one day of course it became like this: Was I meant to have social anxiety or it's because of masturbation/porn? And the confusion started
I can tell you that by stopping masturbating I am much more relaxed and less anxious than before especially when I talk to people I think this factor can be more sensitive in some people than in others but the cause is certainly that as we have noticed the difference by taking as an example when you were a kid
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I can tell you that by stopping masturbating I am much more relaxed and less anxious than before especially when I talk to people I think this factor can be more sensitive in some people than in others but the cause is certainly that as we have noticed the difference by taking as an example when you were a kid
After longer streaks away from porn I was less anxious too. That gave me an idea that maybe porn had a lot to do with my social anxiety.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I've reached a point where I can't stand my drinking problem anymore. I've been focusing more on my porn recovery but I should invest more into quitting alcohol. I am done with this shit. This is the commitment for quitting being a stupid drunk. I am more than the retarded guy I become when I'm drunk and the stupid things I say and the way I attack people when I'm drunk. No more drinking. December 31 will be the last time I get drunk then no. 1 priority is quitting alcohol.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I've kinda let myself go and I'm not happy about it. I've been doing edging and watching porn in the last few days. And drinking as usual.

This New Year's resolution thing is actually detrimental to me. It's the same old: Take advantages of the last days before New Year so you can drown in porn and alcohol and then make the decision to be done with both addictions next year. I shouldn't have done it in this way though. The thing is, I've lost the battle with the beast in me that tells me: "It's the last day of the year, man, you know everybody drinks! But don't worry, you can make the decision to quit drinking in 2022, just not on December 31 of this year." And I got very excited about drinking. Nevertheless this has spiraled into me not wanting to stay sober until then. Yesterday I got drunk. I'm not drunk now.

The thing with porn is that I should've tried to abstain but I haven't. I was thinking: "Alright, you know that drinking most of the time makes you PMO so that will probably happen on December 31 too. What's the point in abstaining from porn?" As if I couldn't actually abstain until then and then see what happens, maybe I relapse, maybe I don't, but this is still not an excuse to relapse many times all the way there! Anyway, the thing is, the addicted parts of me got the best of me this past week or so. Both addicted parts of me, the beasts that want alcohol and porn. I need to put up the effort, I can't mess around anymore. I am not satisfied with how I've been treating my recovery this year. I've returned to the same old, which isn't alright. I am not happy about it at all. I wanted to be in a different place at the end of the year and instead I am in the same usual miserable place. However, if I tried to find one good thing in all this is that I've actually accumulated some knowledge that has the chance to help me. I'm betting on this. Anyway, good luck to everyone.
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Escape, imho you are putting too much pressure on yourself. It is fine to be where you are. Obviously not where you want to stay. But don't put pressure on yourself for not being somewhere else. Try to accept and be grateful for where you are now. Imho the now moment is all we have. We do disservice to ourselves for not accepting the here and now. (speaking for myself).

Maybe take a break from reboot. Relax. Maybe first deal with alcohol symptom and after deal with P symptom. Maybe join AA or ACA. Then use the momentum from dealing with alcoholism to deal with P.

I have been thinking if I should first try to solve something else than P addiction. Going straight for P addiction is like starting to play chess with a grand master right away. Maybe should have first played chess with some novices and continue from there. Anyway. Good luck bro.

EW
 

logicprox

Active Member
Escape, imho you are putting too much pressure on yourself. It is fine to be where you are. Obviously not where you want to stay. But don't put pressure on yourself for not being somewhere else. Try to accept and be grateful for where you are now. Imho the now moment is all we have. We do disservice to ourselves for not accepting the here and now. (speaking for myself).

Maybe take a break from reboot. Relax. Maybe first deal with alcohol symptom and after deal with P symptom. Maybe join AA or ACA. Then use the momentum from dealing with alcoholism to deal with P.

I have been thinking if I should first try to solve something else than P addiction. Going straight for P addiction is like starting to play chess with a grand master right away. Maybe should have first played chess with some novices and continue from there. Anyway. Good luck bro.

EW
I think this is right. At least for me, when I expect myself to be perfect with this stuff, the pressure builds and any little slip up makes me fall apart.

This may not be the right approach for everyone, and maybe alcohol specifically is different than PMO, I don't know. But personally, I don't think a single use is necessarily a "relapse". I think the relapse is the binge. When I think of a single use as a monumental failure, it makes it very easy to justify just going all out because I used once. And that's when I get down on myself and spiral. If instead I make room in my recovery for the idea that I won't be perfect, I can take the single use as a small bump in the road and just get back right back to business.

Again, may not work for everyone, and probably good to look into how this approach works with alcohol, but that's been much better for me.

And it does seem like alcohol probably feeds into PMO, so that addressing in that order may be good. I know being drunk has led to some of my slip-ups.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Escape, imho you are putting too much pressure on yourself. It is fine to be where you are. Obviously not where you want to stay. But don't put pressure on yourself for not being somewhere else. Try to accept and be grateful for where you are now. Imho the now moment is all we have. We do disservice to ourselves for not accepting the here and now. (speaking for myself).

Maybe take a break from reboot. Relax. Maybe first deal with alcohol symptom and after deal with P symptom. Maybe join AA or ACA. Then use the momentum from dealing with alcoholism to deal with P.

I have been thinking if I should first try to solve something else than P addiction. Going straight for P addiction is like starting to play chess with a grand master right away. Maybe should have first played chess with some novices and continue from there. Anyway. Good luck bro.

EW
You're right, man. I guess I am too hard with myself. I guess there is a little bit of hate because I am 31 years old and I'm mad at myself for where I am in life. But yes, you can't change the past, you can only build a better future. I should not waste more important time thinking about the wasted time. Thanks for support.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I think this is right. At least for me, when I expect myself to be perfect with this stuff, the pressure builds and any little slip up makes me fall apart.

This may not be the right approach for everyone, and maybe alcohol specifically is different than PMO, I don't know. But personally, I don't think a single use is necessarily a "relapse". I think the relapse is the binge. When I think of a single use as a monumental failure, it makes it very easy to justify just going all out because I used once. And that's when I get down on myself and spiral. If instead I make room in my recovery for the idea that I won't be perfect, I can take the single use as a small bump in the road and just get back right back to business.

Again, may not work for everyone, and probably good to look into how this approach works with alcohol, but that's been much better for me.

And it does seem like alcohol probably feeds into PMO, so that addressing in that order may be good. I know being drunk has led to some of my slip-ups.
I understand what you mean. And I think I am like that: I am very strict with myself and one PMO session, even one small edging session can make me see everything as a big relapse. After this it's easy to see how you could end up justifying one more PMO because "It's a relapse anyway". I think I have a hard time making a difference between something small and something big. And you're right. When you say the relapse is the binge, I feel you. I don't know I guess I'm too desperate to make it work soon and every slip makes me experience a devastating blow.

When it comes to alcohol, I rarely don' involve porn when I am drunk. And when I am hangovered the next day and I feel sick and I crave comfort. But I'm tired of being a drunk for other reasons too. I don't know, I guess you reach a point when you are an addict where you know that the negatives are too big to justify continued use. I want to take care of them one at a time (starting with alcohol because this is more detrimental for me as a social human being) but I've reached a point where I don't want to spend even one single day with neither of those 2 fuckin addictions. It's been more than 10 years with both. Thanks for support.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
But personally, I don't think a single use is necessarily a "relapse". I think the relapse is the binge. When I think of a single use as a monumental failure, it makes it very easy to justify just going all out because I used once. And that's when I get down on myself and spiral. If instead I make room in my recovery for the idea that I won't be perfect, I can take the single use as a small bump in the road and just get back right back to business.

This is 'it' for me, logicprox! You worded it well. This to me is the issue of continuous self-control versus the all-or-nothing approach to self-control.

Like yourself, if I view a slip or even a lapse as a big deal, it only makes it harder to find one's footing. Sure, I'll be aware that it'll be easier to use in the near future, but it doesn't mean that it has to be that way. If I view it as a nose-dive, or a big failure, then I'm more likely to repeat the behavior.

So much of this is 'mental alchemy', how big do we see this "p-demon" ? If we blow it up so big, exagerate it's power, even see it as something 'out there' (instead of 'in here') we'll more than likely succumb to it easier.

Like a drowning man, the more we struggle the more a danger we are to ourselves or others. Relax into the process, and expect that you will be saved by consistently dismissing the urges.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
This is 'it' for me, logicprox! You worded it well. This to me is the issue of continuous self-control versus the all-or-nothing approach to self-control.

Like yourself, if I view a slip or even a lapse as a big deal, it only makes it harder to find one's footing. Sure, I'll be aware that it'll be easier to use in the near future, but it doesn't mean that it has to be that way. If I view it as a nose-dive, or a big failure, then I'm more likely to repeat the behavior.

So much of this is 'mental alchemy', how big do we see this "p-demon" ? If we blow it up so big, exagerate it's power, even see it as something 'out there' (instead of 'in here') we'll more than likely succumb to it easier.

Like a drowning man, the more we struggle the more a danger we are to ourselves or others. Relax into the process, and expect that you will be saved by consistently dismissing the urges.
I think I was too desperate to make it work faster because I saw myself approaching the age of 30 with no significant progress and then any slip turned into disaster. I need to completely change my mentality regarding this rebooting process because I don't feel it's working. As for dismissing the urges... In my head it sounds simple but I've had an unusual hard time to actually make it work.

* I did some editing to the post.
 
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Phineas 808

Respected Member
I think I was too desperate to make it work faster because I saw myself approaching the age of 30 with no significant progress and then any slip turned into disaster. I need to completely change my mentality regarding this rebooting process because I don't feel it's working. As for dismissing the urges... In my head it sounds simple but I've had an unusual hard time to actually make it work.

* I did some editing to the post.

I understand. 30 is still young, too. I know the feeling, when I turned 40, 50, and I'm like, I haven't fulfilled what my 'life purpose' is yet, and, I'm still struggling on and off with this crap! But I've since learned that things will get better, and they do change over time. This is why lengthy streaks are important, because it really does change and redefine the habit/addiction itself.

Above all, it's the little flashes of light and understanding, day to day, time by time, that help drive us toward recovery. This is why staying positive and always learning is so important.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
As for dismissing the urges... In my head it sounds simple but I've had an unusual hard time to actually make it work.

I almost forgot to address this. It is as simple as it sounds, but not easy, and that may be the challenge. To make this work for you, once again, I challenge you to look closer into mindfulness, even if it's "not your thing"- because that may help change your mentality or approach to this whole thing...
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I almost forgot to address this. It is as simple as it sounds, but not easy, and that may be the challenge. To make this work for you, once again, I challenge you to look closer into mindfulness, even if it's "not your thing"- because that may help change your mentality or approach to this whole thing...
Sounds good, man. I need to try this.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I was listening to a podcast last night (on binge eating, ha!), and Kathryn Hansen mentioned 'detachment'. And I thought of all the posts where I mentioned to you 'nonjudgmental', and I wondered if Detachment might be a better word to communicate the same idea...?
Detachment... Yes, I think it sounds better in my head, you know. I used to phrases it something like: "Not get involved with the urges." The thing is, how do you let the urges pass by without making you act on them? I think that's the main question. You mentioned mindfulness, I've been reading about it, I'll try to see if I can learn how to do it.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1

I deliberately involved myself in P and M behavior for many days leading up to the end of the year but without the O. I woke up on January 1st with some urges and the addicted brain telling me: "Come on, the plan was to complete the full PMO before New Year, what have you done? Do it now and then you can quit a thousand times as far as I'm concerned." I didn't listen. I'm taking a (hopefully) long break from this porn thing.

I also need to up my game addressing my alcohol problem.

I wish everyone a better year and big success with this porn addiction. Now I can definitely say it's Day 1 for me. Enough porn watching. Peace ✌️
 
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