I am not going to count day by day anymore, it's irrelevant now, although I might do it at certain times. What's relevant now is to keep the focus and not take the foot off the pedal. I need to continue with my "keep porn dopamine low" thing, exactly the same without relaxing it.
And I need to find some activities to do, although it pretty complicated with this stupid pandemic and stuff, we can't go to a lot of places around here. This sense of being forcefully isolated can exacerbate the loneliness and boredom, I understand what people mean. But I have to find something to do nevertheless.
Urges come and go. I could be alright now and then some time later during the day BAM! a pleasant rush that has the talent to make me throw the streak out the window and drown in pleasure. But I resist by disengagement but also by picturing the end result: I edge for like 30 minutes, the euphoria is big but then it goes away. In my case, all this stuff it's like a "tank" with euphoria that starts to get depleted as I keep the edging going. Eventually, after not long, it gets low and I am not able to draw out the same euphoria for the day. All I'm left with is a feeling of emptiness and despair, regret, "Why did I have to do this?" and all that which leads to: This pleasure really brings nothing. It's just a stupid selfish lonely activity. I know I can't give myself up completely to porn, I've had moments like those in the past, years ago, but I eventually ended up trying to escape. So in the equation of trying to escape, a relapse doesn't make any sense, it doesn't make any sense for me to return to day 1 when I want to escape, not surrender to the addiction, you know what I'm saying? I have a little more than a month without porn, returning to the beginning doesn't make any sense because I feel that I can continue, I have the tools to keep going, I catch the addicted beast trying to sneak in as soon as it moves.
All work and no play actually doesn't make Jack a dull boy.
