I need to up my game.

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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I guess there are two things that have the potential to fuck me up really nice: Alcohol and MO. And so far, both almost fucked me up. I was lucky to survive and if this doesn't teach me to avoid them, then I deserve a future relapse.

What happened? I don't think I talked about this yet. About three days ago I had a MO session without thinking about porn at all, I actually really did manage this. I was having massive urges and, in my mind, the thought was that I didn't want to risk having a porn party but probably it was just me chasing pleasure. I battled a massive chaser effect all day and my porn thoughts avoidance was pushed really hard because I was having an extra hard time not paying attention to the avalanche of porn images and thoughts hitting me from all directions. I managed to survive and I was a little bit mad at myself for doing that. I wanted to do hard mode. But in the heat of them moment, I "forgot". My brain started to trick me: "If you don't play porn in your head, you are good to go." Which is true, but there are many variables, it's not as simple for me. I'm not saying it's bad to have a MO session with no porn after 34 days or so but it depends on you. It definitely doesn't help me too much. The next couple of days I was lethargic, almost like a porn relapse. I guess I need to give my brain a rest from O because I can definitely see that a O sends me into what I like to call "mini-flatline". I mean, it wouldn't be bad, right? Have less urges and all that but I feel like if my brain reacts in this way to a simple O without porn, it needs more rest, right? It's just my thoughts, I can't prove this medically.

But anyway, with that out of the way, there is the alcohol problem. For who follows my journal, they know I have problems with alcohol, I've been battling an alcohol addiction since my early twenties, with embarrassing streaks, my longest being only 40+ days, in 10 years. Of course, my reptilian brain reacts to the "bell ring". I have those cues that get me started. For about a year I've intensified my alcohol consumption in a month, I started buying alcohol after work more days a week than I'd used to. So of course my brain got conditioned to the "alcohol after work" thing. During my free days I didn't even think about alcohol, went back to work and BAM! Just like that, the bell rang. After resisting a couple of times, yesterday evening I gave in. I left work and told myself: "Yo, man, go straight home!" But in a second, I started moving towards the store. It was just like that. The dopamine had its way. I ended up buying a bottle of wine. You know, usually it's not as great as the dopamine makes you feel it's going to be. In your head you think you are going to have an amazing experience after staying away from the drug for a longer period of time, but afterwards it feels disappointing. Maybe the expectations get too high and the actual relapsing experience can't top that. But anyway, I got a little drunk, it was alright but not amazing, and I knew that this could make me watch porn. It didn't... until the euphoric feeling started to fade away and then I began craving porn. I went to a torrent website and tried to download a favorite porn scene... But it didn't work, it didn't have seeds. Only this stopped me from watching. Then I went to sleep and I edged to a porn fantasy for about a minute but that's where I stopped and slept.

So this is it, this second experience almost made me have a porn relapse. Not to forget to mention of course than I broke my alcohol streak. So if this is not the proof that I need to avoid MO and alcohol, nothing is. It's only up to me to do or avoid stupid things. You know, I reached this point with my porn streak: In the beginning, first month, everything was going great. Some days with massive urges, as expected, but I managed really well by avoiding to fantasize porn. But after that, the sexual frustration returned, the obsession with a release got big, and I started to struggle not with my "Avoid porn thoughts" thing, but with something else. It was not just a matter of avoid the thoughts, it was a different beast. There was also that low feeling of needing stimulation. And after being surprisingly alright with alcohol, I started craving it after work and this added a new problem. If alcohol is not involved, I have a better chance staying away from porn, but could I? Could I avoid alcohol from now on? For how long? This fuckin shit sucks, man. I've always said: "My main problem is porn and alcohol is secondary" but only because this was the order they came into my life, but to be honest, it's alcohol I struggle the most with. Maybe I should focus more on this, I've been focusing all my attention on quitting porn.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
And by the way, it's not a matter of counting days now. I would be on day 37 (?) since the beginning of the year, with just 1 minute of edging to a porn fantasy, that's all I've done so far. I don't care anymore about counters, I care about how to fix the issues.
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
But I will ignore what happened because I actually feel great. I felt lethargic for two days but now for some reason I really feel good. However, I need to address the MO and alcohol, to avoid sabotaging myself.
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This is sometimes the best thing to do, just go on as if nothing happened- especially if you're not as focused on counting days.

The only thing to be aware of, which almost goes without saying: avoid repeating the behaviors for a period of time. The 'repeatability' is what sucks us into a habit.

You can say that what happened was already 'habit' getting the better of you by tricking you into responding to the urges (alcohol or P/MO), but there were over a month before this slip- and that's freakin' awesome! If you think about it this way, that was 1/3 of the way to changing these habits, as they say, it takes about 90 days to change a habit.

Just ignoring this (without the repeating of it) will be just like a speed bump, for the alcohol and the other p-related stuff. Just go on, and you'll be fine. Avoid 'black-and-white' thinking, like, "Man! This was supposed to be picture perfect!" Because our streaks aren't always picture perfect, just so progress is being made.

You got this, brother!
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Phineas 808 said:
This is sometimes the best thing to do, just go on as if nothing happened- especially if you're not as focused on counting days.

The only thing to be aware of, which almost goes without saying: avoid repeating the behaviors for a period of time. The 'repeatability' is what sucks us into a habit.

You can say that what happened was already 'habit' getting the better of you by tricking you into responding to the urges (alcohol or P/MO), but there were over a month before this slip- and that's freakin' awesome! If you think about it this way, that was 1/3 of the way to changing these habits, as they say, it takes about 90 days to change a habit.

Just ignoring this (without the repeating of it) will be just like a speed bump, for the alcohol and the other p-related stuff. Just go on, and you'll be fine. Avoid 'black-and-white' thinking, like, "Man! This was supposed to be picture perfect!" Because our streaks aren't always picture perfect, just so progress is being made.

You got this, brother!
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I know what you're saying, man. Thanks.
 
C

Coming_Out_Strong

Member
Hey man. I know what you mean with the alcohol and porn. Im working on both of those things myself. The alcohol for me definitely sends me into spiral of wanting to look at porn and fap. It has also led to many not so great moments in my life. I think alcohol was fun for me at first but then it became a way to escape from what was going on in life. I believe the porn and its negative effects also caused me to indulge in alcohol more which only hurt me in the long run. So I definitely understand and get where you're coming from.

Keep fighting man. Just prepare yourself mentally that things will get bad before they get better during this reboot but there's always light at the end of the tunnel. Troubles dont last always.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Coming_Out_Strong said:
Hey man. I know what you mean with the alcohol and porn. Im working on both of those things myself. The alcohol for me definitely sends me into spiral of wanting to look at porn and fap. It has also led to many not so great moments in my life. I think alcohol was fun for me at first but then it became a way to escape from what was going on in life. I believe the porn and its negative effects also caused me to indulge in alcohol more which only hurt me in the long run. So I definitely understand and get where you're coming from.

Keep fighting man. Just prepare yourself mentally that things will get bad before they get better during this reboot but there's always light at the end of the tunnel. Troubles dont last always.
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You've explained my situation exactly. Thanks for support!
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I actually like the idea of different counters, it could help you see where you make mistakes. If I chose some counters, it would probably look something like this:

Porn watching: 39 days
Full PMO: 39 days
Edging while watching porn: 39 days
Masturbation without porn: 5 days
Edging to flashbacks/fantasies: 3 days
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Mentally-wise, I am not alright. Anxiety is high. And I'm sort of lethargic. It's been going on for some days. Maybe today is better than yesterday but I don't like this.
 
C

Coming_Out_Strong

Member
Stay strong man!!! Just think of it as a growing pain that is apart of the process. You're already 40 days in no need to turn back now. And congrats on 40 days.

I cant remember which member spoke of it but I downloaded the Quitzilla app last week and upgraded to premium which allows you to create as many counters as you want. Its counts down to the second. This was a help for me as I can track no pmo, alcohol or whatever it is and see the progress that im making. Keep fighting!!!
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Coming_Out_Strong said:
Stay strong man!!! Just think of it as a growing pain that is apart of the process. You're already 40 days in no need to turn back now. And congrats on 40 days.

I cant remember which member spoke of it but I downloaded the Quitzilla app last week and upgraded to premium which allows you to create as many counters as you want. Its counts down to the second. This was a help for me as I can track no pmo, alcohol or whatever it is and see the progress that im making. Keep fighting!!!
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I appreciate the support, man, but things have not turned up well. More in the update I'm going to write.
 
K

k-fff

Well-Known Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
I could not control anymore how miserable I felt mentally and lethargic. The high anxiety, almost panic attacks and stress were too much. I work too fuckin much. We have personal problems and then you add people quarantined with covid and you get the idea. I found out yesterday I was going to work another extra day and I got depressed. I can't handle work and my fuckin battle with addictions. Not when I feel completely like shit. I craved fuckin comfort and pleasure and I ended up edging to fantasies then I moved to edging to some pictures. I haven't watched any porn video yet. A part of me wants to binge PMO but the other part of me wants to stop here. If by some miracle I manage to stop here, I am going to feel like shit anyway for who knows how many days. And just when I reported 40 days, man, fuck. Edging finally got the best of me, how shit do you want to feel overall and endure this shit and not look for comfort? It's fuckin inhuman. I have absolutely no idea how people handle this shit, I must have some serious issues then if I can't do it myself as well. Everything went absolutely amazing, I felt absolutely Superman and then around day 25 (?) I don't even remember, I started to gradually feel like shit. And slowly but surely I started to feel more and more miserable to the point where it was not anymore a matter of battling the urges, it was a battle with myself, it was not anymore about managing porn thoughts, I deliberately craved comfort and crossed all the red lines in my head intentionally. I don't know, man, I have to work 4 morning shifts and I have problems with sleep, I am afraid I might not be able to sleep tonight. I don't know what to say anymore man how the fuck am I going to look normal tomorrow morning for my two coworkers? ALl I want is to show how fucked up I am, I want to show my true image, I'm tired of this fuckin ego and "You can't look depressed, you can't talk about it, you need to look normal". I'm tired of this shit. I don't know, man, I might delete this.
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Quarantine and the lock-downs have destroyed people and that's just normal. This stuff is not mentally healthy for anyone. Most people are not handling it well. You're not alone. It's okay to feel like shit. Your job sounds miserable. It sounds like the emotional issues and work are the source of the pmo binging. I'm sure you already know. The best solution is maybe to change jobs if it isn't possible now, it is at least worth prepping for now.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
k-fff said:
Quarantine and the lock-downs have destroyed people and that's just normal. This stuff is not mentally healthy for anyone. Most people are not handling it well. You're not alone. It's okay to feel like shit. Your job sounds miserable. It sounds like the emotional issues and work are the source of the pmo binging. I'm sure you already know. The best solution is maybe to change jobs if it isn't possible now, it is at least worth prepping for now.
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You're right. This fuckin Covid shit has killed everything. I didn't understand shit from the last 2 years.
 
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