I need to up my game.

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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I ain't sober no more by the way. Day 0 for alcohol. I am maybe too arrogant to think that I only need to work hard on my porn addiction and that I could drink from time to time because "Porn is my no. 1 priority". I am deluded.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I'm not gonna lie, suicide has entered my mind recently. I mean, it's just that I'm tired of having to live my life. All the circumstances of my life, all the things that are going on now... I can't say that I've ever enjoyed my life, I wish I was normal, my definition of normal, of course, the normal that I've never had. All this mental chaos, problems sleeping and everything else. I don't know, maybe the way I feel will change after a longer streak away from porn but now I'm exhausted mentally and, as a result, physically.
 
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Deleted member 27008

Guest
My friend, life is a one-time gift. This gift has important meanings. It is our duty to discover these meanings. What makes most people think of suicide is basically thinking that there is no meaning in their life. If there is no meaning, then there is no need to breathe. Man is different from animals. Meanings, Without values it just doesn't want to survive biologically. It can't. It needs meanings. Damn what pmo basically does is destroy meaning in our lives. our emotions go away, we miss our goals, we feel depressed, we have problems with our families, etc. I'll admit, I've had suicidal thoughts sometimes too. They happened independently of pmo too. But these thoughts are illusions. Relapses over and over cause burnout and desperation after a while. Thinking that there is no point in living this way also triggers such dangerous thoughts (at least in your subconscious mind). pmo definitely affects calm and logical thinking. I'm sure you don't actually want to commit suicide. After a while, when you start thinking rationally again, you'll look back at these days and laugh. I'm sure of this because I've had it over and over. You're having illusionary thoughts right now. It's not you. It's not your real thoughts. pmo is a bad enemy yes. but nothing is more precious than this one time gift of life, my friend. There are much bigger problems in life. Think of children dying in war, children dying of hunger, people in different parts of the world struggling with all kinds of hardships. How much more difficult is our problem than them? If we told people who have endured all of this about our pmo problem and suicidal thoughts, what do you think they would say? do not misunderstand. I don't belittle your problems and thoughts. I want to face the facts. If necessary, ask your relatives. They lock you in a room and only take care of your basic needs. You can live like this for 1-2 years and get rid of pmo 🙂 it was a very extreme example, right? Yes, but I want you to see that we have solutions, albeit very extreme. Suicidal ideation, as I said, is an illusion of withdrawal and constant relapse. however, if these thoughts become more frequent, please share this with the person closest to you and then seek professional support.
 
G

GeminiMan

Well-Known Member
Resurrection said:
My friend, life is a one-time gift. This gift has important meanings. It is our duty to discover these meanings. What makes most people think of suicide is basically thinking that there is no meaning in their life. If there is no meaning, then there is no need to breathe. Man is different from animals. Meanings, Without values it just doesn't want to survive biologically. It can't. It needs meanings. Damn what pmo basically does is destroy meaning in our lives. our emotions go away, we miss our goals, we feel depressed, we have problems with our families, etc. I'll admit, I've had suicidal thoughts sometimes too. They happened independently of pmo too. But these thoughts are illusions. Relapses over and over cause burnout and desperation after a while. Thinking that there is no point in living this way also triggers such dangerous thoughts (at least in your subconscious mind). pmo definitely affects calm and logical thinking. I'm sure you don't actually want to commit suicide. After a while, when you start thinking rationally again, you'll look back at these days and laugh. I'm sure of this because I've had it over and over. You're having illusionary thoughts right now. It's not you. It's not your real thoughts. pmo is a bad enemy yes. but nothing is more precious than this one time gift of life, my friend. There are much bigger problems in life. Think of children dying in war, children dying of hunger, people in different parts of the world struggling with all kinds of hardships. How much more difficult is our problem than them? If we told people who have endured all of this about our pmo problem and suicidal thoughts, what do you think they would say? do not misunderstand. I don't belittle your problems and thoughts. I want to face the facts. If necessary, ask your relatives. They lock you in a room and only take care of your basic needs. You can live like this for 1-2 years and get rid of pmo 🙂 it was a very extreme example, right? Yes, but I want you to see that we have solutions, albeit very extreme. Suicidal ideation, as I said, is an illusion of withdrawal and constant relapse. however, if these thoughts become more frequent, please share this with the person closest to you and then seek professional support.
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Recently read the book “Man’s search for meaning” @Escapeandnevercomeback I highly recommend the book to you and anyone else in general who wonders what’s life is really all about ? 🤔
 
EarthWalker

EarthWalker

Respected Member
man_in_30s_rebootingnow said:
Recently read the book “Man’s search for meaning” @Escapeandnevercomeback I highly recommend the book to you and anyone else in general who wonders what’s life is really all about ? 🤔
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Thank you for mentioning this. This booked helped me when I was going trough my darkest period. I didn't even read all of it. Just some parts. It was all I needed. I can recommend this book as well as I have in the past.

I'd like to also mention Edit Eger. She has some good interviews on YT if they resonante. Quite a lot of good psychology on YT. Also this guy's father was in a concentration camp it influenced his psychology Bessel van der Kolk.

@Escapeandnevercomeback wishing you well. It is a lot more common of what you are going trough than you would think. The normal - is an illusion. I know a lot of people went trough a period in their life that you are going trough - myself included. So you are not alone. What you are going trough is a lot more common that you might think. Maybe reach out to some group or see a psychologist or what not. Volunteer at a soup kitchen. This too shall pass. Life goes on.

EW
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 6

"Courage is the solution to despair. Reason provides no answers. Wisdom is holding two contradictory truths in our mind, simultaneously: Hope and Despair. A life without despair is a life without hope. Holding these two ideas in our head is life itself."
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 7

1 week but urges are back. The brain is playing tricks with me to drink again tomorrow. The irony in all this is that it even convinces me that I can handle it without binging porn and last time when I did this, I had been feeling great and then I ended up PMOing and edging to porn for 3 days in a row, feeling broken as a result. How is this "handling"?

The addicted brain only cares about the drug, it doesn't care about me, it will rather let me die than give up the drug because it doesn't "think", it's the reptilian brain that only works with survival and dopamine. I understand now what Jack Trimpey means in his book "Rational Recovery" when he talks about the addicted brain being the enemy. Because I probably wouldn't be able to get rid of this addiction if I didn't treat this addicted brain as an enemy. I know it's not, in the real sense of the idea, but I think sometimes I need to get mad at this brain from putting me through all this shit. It's like a brother that causes you a tone of problems. "You're my brother, man, and I love you, but stay away from me."

The thing is, my mental health seems to be closely connected to whether I indulge in porn or not. After binging, I feel gone. It's a tough period that I always regret, I always regret making the mistake (or mistakes) that lead to moving from "everything is actually pretty good" to "I'm exhausted mentally again". I think the reason why I keep making mistakes is that I hate to be this strict but I've realize that I need to be strict with some things to make it work. I can't drink, I can't drink caffeine, I can't MO, I have to be super strict about porn fantasizing, and it can get annoying (minus the last part, because you will probably benefit greatly from being strict about fantasizing).

The way it seems to go for me is like this: I can't work on my life while binging porn. It's this vicious idiotic circle where porn causes mental health problems and those mental health problems make me not have the motivation and mood to work on my life. But after using a short-term tactic to get some momentum and a longer streak away from porn, I start being more driven and then I can begin doing some work on my life. However, procrastination is very seductive. I am guilty for this. I know I should stop wasting time.
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
The addicted brain only cares about the drug, it doesn't care about me, it will rather let me die than give up the drug because it doesn't "think", it's the reptilian brain that only works with survival and dopamine. I understand now what Jack Trimpey means in his book "Rational Recovery" when he talks about the addicted brain being the enemy. Because I probably wouldn't be able to get rid of this addiction if I didn't treat this addicted brain as an enemy. I know it's not, in the real sense of the idea, but I think sometimes I need to get mad at this brain from putting me through all this shit. It's like a brother that causes you a tone of problems. "You're my brother, man, and I love you, but stay away from me."
Click to expand...

You're right that this is all the 'addicted brain' cares about, the drug. But your brain is actually doing the healthy thing, making sure you take care of your survival, prompting you to also eat, drink, sleep, or whatever else is physically or mentally essential.

However, this 'beast-brain' got hijacked, and along with it our pleasure centers of the brain. As you know, the 'beast-brain' isn't a separate entity plotting against you in a rationalizing sense, it thinks it's helping you. It's performing its function- but in reality, it's hijacked into this habbit that we helped create by our decisions earlier on.

The urges? That comes from the beast-brain. The unwanted habits? Those we helped to create by all our little (or big) decisions. But how we break this habit or addiction is by making little (or big) decisions in not responding to the urges.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Phineas 808 said:
You're right that this is all the 'addicted brain' cares about, the drug. But your brain is actually doing the healthy thing, making sure you take care of your survival, prompting you to also eat, drink, sleep, or whatever else is physically or mentally essential.

However, this 'beast-brain' got hijacked, and along with it our pleasure centers of the brain. As you know, the 'beast-brain' isn't a separate entity plotting against you in a rationalizing sense, it thinks it's helping you. It's performing its function- but in reality, it's hijacked into this habbit that we helped create by our decisions earlier on.

The urges? That comes from the beast-brain. The unwanted habits? Those we helped to create by all our little (or big) decisions. But how we break this habit or addiction is by making little (or big) decisions in not responding to the urges.
Click to expand...
I know.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 8

“...most Substance-addicted people are also addicted to thinking, meaning they have a compulsive and unhealthy relationship with their own thinking.”

- David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I need to get back at it. Exactly the same. The tactic is in place. Avoiding to give attention to the porn thoughts, fantasies and flashbacks. After helping me get 2 long streaks (50 days and 40 days), I know it works for me, there are no doubts about it. Last time I stopped doing this and I broke my no-edging rule because I stepped on foreign territory. I started feeling miserable and it took me by surprise. Eventually I went back to porn for comfort. But now I know what I could expect, there are no more surprises this time.
 
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