I need to up my game.

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I'm sorry mama, I'm not sober anymore
Come and scrape me off the floor

You know, everything is crazy. Porn addiction is my biggest problem, no doubt. But the ridiculous thing is that I can have more success with porn addiction than alcohol addiction. For some reason, I've always had a bigger challenge with stopping drinking. I don't know what's going on. Maybe because the way porn makes me feel and the way alcohol makes me feel are so different? Getting drunk actually moves me to a different state, where I'm actually removed from the actual reality for real. But porn doesn't really do that, I mean yes, it makes me numb, it makes me not feel anything, but it's not as nice as being drunk, if you know what I'm saying. I don't know, man.

At least my porn streak is not affected. But it's unacceptable. I know I have a problem with alcohol but I ain't doing a god damn thing about it.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 16

Mornings are still the most difficult. This morning I had a massive urge, I felt it all over my body. I think it's the same as January. I experienced massive urges starting around day 11 and then after a few days I started being lethargic. Let's see this time. I need to remember why I'm going through this, my goals for this year.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Stay strong man! Going to porn will only make you feel worse in the end. You're having a bad day literally because of porn, why go back to the beast that created this problem? You got this!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Stay strong man! Going to porn will only make you feel worse in the end. You're having a bad day literally because of porn, why go back to the beast that created this problem? You got this!
All this shit is a mental game. As soon as the conflict starts in the head (I want porn but I can't), you could end up pretty much fucked big time. It becomes a matter of who wins: You or the addicted you. That's what happens when your mind is not completely set on quitting.

Thanks for support.
 
D

Deleted member 27008

Guest
I did 1 MO because I risked to relapse. The urges were crazy. That's because I rarely follow the goddamn rules. I said no Caffeine but instead I respected "no rules". I respected only 1 rule today: No porn. No MO and No Caffeine are bye-bye. No alcohol rule was broken 2 days ago already. But anyway, in all this, I need to respect the most important rule: No porn watching, no MO thinking about porn. If it wasn't for this stupid chaser effect, it would've been alright from time to time. But the chaser effect stressed me out.
Sometimes it's good to take a step back in war. Makes the next attack stronger. Don't let this mo upset you too much. I think it is necessary to stay away from m for at least 8 weeks while staying away from p. However, this can be done when very depressed and relapse is not avoided. It shouldn't just become a habit. is the best of the worst. By the way, do you think caffeine increases your urge?
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Relapse. I've failed to resist. The chaser effect was killing me and it eventually won, of course. Mistake no. 1 (caffeine) led to mistake no. 2 (MO), the urges were unbearable and the addicted me got his way. He convinced me to MO without porn (because there is no porn, right?) and that started everything. Instead of toning down the urges, it actually made everything worse. It was not a long porn session, about 2 minutes, I watched a part of a softcore scene.

There is no way to fight my addicted self using willpower. Obviously I know that but I am not doing anything about it. My refuse to get out of my comfort zone makes me pay the price. The irony and the ridiculousness in all this is that I know all I have to do, yet I do too little. I've been only using the "keep the porn dopamine low" thing, which is great, it is no doubt a very important part of the process, but I can't rely only on that. Eventually, other things interfere and throw me off.

After a relapse, it's so easy to see the big picture, recommit, have all the ideas, but when the urges hit hard, all this goes out the window really fast in a second.

Look, I am trying not to watch more porn today and I am trying not to get depressed about it, although I can feel the sadness coming. I don't want to spend the next 2 weeks devastated again, but it's not easy, the typical depressive response tends to be more powerful than something I don't normally do (the opposite of the response). I don't have other choice, fake it till you make it or whatever, I don't know. Maybe I should try to see the good thing in all this: My relapse was only 2 minutes long. But I can't deny it pisses the hell out of me. I'm really annoyed. I am annoyed at myself for not following the damn rules, I always choose the comfort. "I can't give up caffeine, man, I love that thing!" "I am sexually frustrated, man, I need to MO once in a while, otherwise I get very frustrated" bla bla bla. Excuses and more excuses. There is no excuse for me not staying away from caffeine, MO and alcohol, only the excuses I come up with. I keep finding excuses to stay in my comfort zone. I'm the self-medication king living in my comfort zone castle. I'm so fuckin deluded.

What the fuck more can I say? I feel like I am making a mistake in giving quitting porn so much props, I mean of course quitting porn is very important, but I feel like I'm only relying on this, without doing anything else for my life, waiting to magically reach a big number of days and magically be happy. And I feel I'm missing the big picture here.

Anyway, don't do what I do, okay?
 
D

Deleted member 27008

Guest
Sorry for the relapse mate. but don't give up. I started my own diary after a relapse. Then you can go back to what I wrote. how emotional, depressed, angry and helpless I was... it's normal to feel this bad after a relapse.
but life goes by so fast... I'm on my 25th day, man. I was in that state for breaking my 20-day streak. Now it is the 25th day. time is passing off. You will do the series you made again in the blink of an eye. Of course, the important thing is not to do the same. I mean, you don't have a big loss.
It's great that the recurrence is short. I mentioned this in the messages at the beginning of my diary. If recurrence is short, the benefits of the previous series are not completely lost. the recovery of the next series will also be faster.
I understand your current mood. But rest assured you're not in too bad shape. And that big disappointment will help you hate p even more in the next series. that's how it was for me. On day 25, my libido is good but I have no p urge. he really wants sex or dating dear but i hate p. Look, my previous relapse, which I curse, earned me this. maybe it made an endless series of hats p.
understand that p is the cause of all this frustration, hate him, declare him the enemy. sail on an endless series, man.
I agree on this. There should be no mo when dropping p. at least 2 months. and you have to find things to occupy and purpose. My week is spent at work. I prefer to stay at home less on weekends. I know it's dangerous to be alone.
I will change jobs and it will be intensive training. I love my new job and it was a job I really wanted. That's why I want to be successful in education. For that, I need memory and concentration. p is the biggest killer of them.. that's how I get motivated. Make goals too and don't be alone as much as possible. Try to stay busy mentally, if not physically.
 

logicprox

Active Member
Saw the quote below the other day. Setbacks happen, what happens after the setback is what matters.

“No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back.”
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I ended up with 3 ejaculations, 2 with porn. Right now I'm nicely sedated that I can't even feel the depression that wants to install itself. But tomorrow, after the sedation goes away, it will probably suck big time. After I watched porn for the first time today, I understood what people mean when they talk about hard euphoric drugs like crack or meth. I was literally feeling like I was doing hard drugs, I was shaking. Maybe the way those drugs is that they enter your body and work the chemicals in the brain. That's literally what porn does, it's sick how I can get high as a kite without introducing any substance in me. And the high is short, like crack. I need to edge and PMO every hour to keep myself from crashing. The intense high leads to an intense fall. I can't fuckin overdose on this thing, maybe that would've scared me. Will I have the strength to end the day with just 2 PMO?
 

Blondie

Respected Member
"What the fuck more can I say? I feel like I am making a mistake in giving quitting porn so much props, I mean of course quitting porn is very important, but I feel like I'm only relying on this, without doing anything else for my life, waiting to magically reach a big number of days and magically be happy. And I feel I'm missing the big picture here."

Hey man. I'm really sorry to hear about your relapse. There's no worse feeling in the world than seeing yourself in the computer screen after a "another" porn session, all lonely and full of regret, wondering what the hell just happened. I've been there so many times I've lost count, and even if I could remember, I wouldn't tell the truth about it. It is what it is, thus, pick yourself up and move on! Because at the end of the day, there's only two choices you can make here; bitch about it and complain and hate yourself, or dust yourself off and hold your head up high. I know you'll choose the latter!

As regards to what you said in the paragraph above, I can totally relate to this, because I did the same thing when I first started this a few years ago. I defined my life by not looking at porn. Sure, at that time, I really started to get my shit together, etc., but yet, my whole identity, was, I don't look at porn! Thus, when I blew it after 530 something days, I practically had a mental breakdown, because I had spent almost a year and half defining myself by not doing something. Needless to say, this is not the right approach.

So I ask you this, what do you want out of life? What would you die for? Whom would you die for? What passion would you go to the ends of the earth for, the rest of the world be dammed? Because at the end of the day, you can't wake up with only, "I can't look at porn or drink alcohol etc., because these things don't define you, they just get in the way of the things that truly do! And don't get me wrong, it's great to know the "number" of days etc., I know exactly where I'm at today, we can't be black and white about this. However, today I woke up knowing I had a midterm I had to take, I was stressed about it, but it's something that I love, thus I woke up thinking about it. This, plus many other goals, "define" me these days. Therefore, if I would happen to fuck up (god forbid!), I could more easily get myself back up again, because I'm actually heading towards something, and not just away from something.

Do you have this, and if not, that's perfectly okay, but what can you do to start heading in that direction?

I wish you well. You can do this, but you first have to believe it.

Best
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
"What the fuck more can I say? I feel like I am making a mistake in giving quitting porn so much props, I mean of course quitting porn is very important, but I feel like I'm only relying on this, without doing anything else for my life, waiting to magically reach a big number of days and magically be happy. And I feel I'm missing the big picture here."

Hey man. I'm really sorry to hear about your relapse. There's no worse feeling in the world than seeing yourself in the computer screen after a "another" porn session, all lonely and full of regret, wondering what the hell just happened. I've been there so many times I've lost count, and even if I could remember, I wouldn't tell the truth about it. It is what it is, thus, pick yourself up and move on! Because at the end of the day, there's only two choices you can make here; bitch about it and complain and hate yourself, or dust yourself off and hold your head up high. I know you'll choose the latter!

As regards to what you said in the paragraph above, I can totally relate to this, because I did the same thing when I first started this a few years ago. I defined my life by not looking at porn. Sure, at that time, I really started to get my shit together, etc., but yet, my whole identity, was, I don't look at porn! Thus, when I blew it after 530 something days, I practically had a mental breakdown, because I had spent almost a year and half defining myself by not doing something. Needless to say, this is not the right approach.

So I ask you this, what do you want out of life? What would you die for? Whom would you die for? What passion would you go to the ends of the earth for, the rest of the world be dammed? Because at the end of the day, you can't wake up with only, "I can't look at porn or drink alcohol etc., because these things don't define you, they just get in the way of the things that truly do! And don't get me wrong, it's great to know the "number" of days etc., I know exactly where I'm at today, we can't be black and white about this. However, today I woke up knowing I had a midterm I had to take, I was stressed about it, but it's something that I love, thus I woke up thinking about it. This, plus many other goals, "define" me these days. Therefore, if I would happen to fuck up (god forbid!), I could more easily get myself back up again, because I'm actually heading towards something, and not just away from something.

Do you have this, and if not, that's perfectly okay, but what can you do to start heading in that direction?

I wish you well. You can do this, but you first have to believe it.

Best
That's what I've said as well, in a form or another. Fear of getting out of my comfort zone was a factor but also waiting for the quitting porn addiction to happen. I used to say: "I will start doing that thing in two months because by then I will be 2 months porn free. Now, I am lethargic, I have high anxiety, I don't have any motivation at all." But I never really reached longer streaks and I kept postponing everything. I did hit some longer streaks but then the resilience to get out of my comfort zone came and I said: "I don't need those things anyway, man! Just the fact that I have 35 days without porn should make me happy." I kept finding excuses why not to work hard to obtain some things or do some things in my life and I've paid the price.
 
Straight back on it - great to see! You might have slipped but you clearly have the drive within you to make this change 💪

So I ask you this, what do you want out of life? What would you die for? Whom would you die for? What passion would you go to the ends of the earth for, the rest of the world be dammed? Because at the end of the day, you can't wake up with only, "I can't look at porn or drink alcohol etc., because these things don't define you, they just get in the way of the things that truly do!
@Blondie awesome inspirational words - definitely agree that finding ourselves is part of the healing process
 

Blondie

Respected Member
That's what I've said as well, in a form or another. Fear of getting out of my comfort zone was a factor but also waiting for the quitting porn addiction to happen. I used to say: "I will start doing that thing in two months because by then I will be 2 months porn free. Now, I am lethargic, I have high anxiety, I don't have any motivation at all." But I never really reached longer streaks and I kept postponing everything. I did hit some longer streaks but then the resilience to get out of my comfort zone came and I said: "I don't need those things anyway, man! Just the fact that I have 35 days without porn should make me happy." I kept finding excuses why not to work hard to obtain some things or do some things in my life and I've paid the price.
Yeah, I'm very familiar with that mentality. I still do it in fact, although it does seem to be getting better and better.

There is no day but today, as the saying goes. You got this!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 0

So, when you only want to chase pleasure and not give a fuck about what you actually need, you pay the price. You say NO alcohol NO Masturbation without porn and No caffeine but you do all of them, then good luck, because it's only a matter of luck when you don' relapse because it's not a matter of being sure you don't relapse. Keep sabotaging yourself while keeping your fingers crossed and hoping you won't relapse.
 
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