Day 3
I wanted to take a long break from coming here because I felt that my journal had become repetitive. It was the same old story: Get a rare longer streak, get motivated, relapse, binge, get embarrassed, write depressive new posts, keep binging with streaks under 10 days for the next period. Really, I was exhausted to continue this thing.
I don't even know why I've started documenting this new streak. Maybe because like this I could feel like I'm really starting a new serious streak? I don't even know. I was ready to give up but having a new disastrous year recovery-wise, just like last year, scared me.
I'm trying to quit alcohol. I haven't drunk anything since April 23rd, a day when I got really tanked. But you know what's absolutely ridiculous? I'm Christian, right? I PMOed on Easter day, man. April 24th, that's my last binge, 3 times that day, I committed the sin exactly during one of the most important Holidays, that's what disgusts me. This addiction ends up making you do things that you would never do. And that's what depresses me. But maybe this could become the "turn the negatives into positives" that I need. I really wish that was the last time, I really do. But what's depressing and disgusting is that right now all I want is to PMO myself out cold. After only 3 days. Talking about a reply to Orbiter before writing this where I said that it sucks when urges start early. I know.
Maybe I also wanted to write this because my mind is functioning a little better. Post binges, I can't even think, I can't find words to talk, it's like I'm spacing out or something. The walls are closing in, little by little, with this addiction, in 10 years you won't be the same addict you are now, it's like starting to have physical injuries after doing gymnastics at the highest level since you were a kid. My brain is not functioning the same as when I was 20. I'm starting to see more repercussions after binging than I did back then.
But anyway, I also need to quit caffeine too, which I haven't been doing. I've only been staying away from drinking, which is good too, maybe I won't show erratic behavior anymore.