I need to up my game.

Brother - break the pattern now - do whatever it takes
Call up a friend and go out for dinner, hell take yourself out for dinner

You want to make this change, you can make this change, you will make this change đź’Ş
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I didn't want to return here and write this. I relapsed twice today. I didn't want to have here only those type of posts. There is nothing new with my recovery, there is no more progress, I keep relapsing under 10 days as usual, I don't even know what I want anymore. I wanted to come here with a different streak and different mindset. But I've failed.

My erratic behavior brought by drinking is already making me look ridiculous. I decided to take a break from coming here because I was embarrassed. I got drunk, I binged porn and then I came here and deleted all my posts from the other journal. I'm a fuckin clown. I can't stop jerking off and I can't stop drinking. It's all my fault that this year is beginning to look like last year. I keep waiting for someone to save me, I keep waiting for people to help me but I don't learn to help myself.
 

EarthWalker

Respected Member
I know what you mean. Imho there is nothing embarrassing admitting you are stuck in a loop.

Give yourself permission to heal. Write on a piece of paper I give myself permission to ____.

There are just a few realization that helped me shift.

1. Acceptance of emotions/thoughts. Whatever comes up. It is "good". I'd prefer not to have P thoughts. But if they show up. I will greet them with acceptance. Shake hands and ask how they are doing. Same with emotions. I don't always manage it. But just this change alone made P addiction 80% easier for me.

2. What I am realizing just recently. I cannot solve this addiction using mental means. Thinking cannot produce anything new. I am using thinking to solve all of my problems. While one can be very successful in life in terms of material wealth going by thinking alone. Yet this doesn't work for P addiction as thinking is just a limited part of the whole being. Redirecting my focus outside thinking helps a great deal. Maybe this will be the other 20% for me? Will see soon enough.

Relax, soften, acknowledge. Don't stress about it. Accept yourself fully. Love yourself unconditionally including the good, the bad and the ugly. This is all of you. Sure you will transform for the better in the future but why wait with the love for the future? When X will happen I will love myself. Nope. You are all right right now. Love yourself now.

EW
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
I didn't want to return here and write this. I relapsed twice today. I didn't want to have here only those type of posts. There is nothing new with my recovery, there is no more progress, I keep relapsing under 10 days as usual, I don't even know what I want anymore. I wanted to come here with a different streak and different mindset. But I've failed.

My erratic behavior brought by drinking is already making me look ridiculous. I decided to take a break from coming here because I was embarrassed. I got drunk, I binged porn and then I came here and deleted all my posts from the other journal. I'm a fuckin clown. I can't stop jerking off and I can't stop drinking. It's all my fault that this year is beginning to look like last year. I keep waiting for someone to save me, I keep waiting for people to help me but I don't learn to help myself.
In a similar boat but been thinking how can I turn this around myself .

And there is no answer to that question .
Well there is ….
but I don’t want to take that pain of quitting . I don’t want to loose this opportunity to pleasure up right now and be happy . don’t want to let this instant gratification for a calmer happier myself tomorrow.

Working on focusing my vision on a better happier contentful version of myself.

I will get there soon . I can sense it happening in near future .because I have been failing because I have been too possessive about instant gratification. I need to let that go ! To be happy and contented and peaceful.

I ask you to start day dreaming about that better version of yourself everyday and you will just make it there fine one day .
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
In a similar boat but been thinking how can I turn this around myself .

And there is no answer to that question .
Well there is ….
but I don’t want to take that pain of quitting . I don’t want to loose this opportunity to pleasure up right now and be happy . don’t want to let this instant gratification for a calmer happier myself tomorrow.

Working on focusing my vision on a better happier contentful version of myself.

I will get there soon . I can sense it happening in near future .because I have been failing because I have been too possessive about instant gratification. I need to let that go ! To be happy and contented and peaceful.

I ask you to start day dreaming about that better version of yourself everyday and you will just make it there fine one day .
Same. I don't really want to quit, I want to use porn whenever I want and still experience the benefits of not being a porn addict, which is not possible. I've wanted to indulge in this pleasure, again and again. The thing is, at least for me, quitting porn will mean big mental suffering. And so far I haven't wanted to experience it. I don't want to suffer mentally for this shit. But if I ever want to really quit, I have to. You know, all those things: the craving for porn, the urges, the "intentionally depriving myself of pleasure", the higher anxiety, the agitation, the excruciating feeling of empty etc. All those things are mental suffering. So far I've been refusing to accept that there is no other way out, it's only through this pain. I'm not declaring anything right now, I don't know how it's going to be, at least I want to end this month without binging again.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I know what you mean. Imho there is nothing embarrassing admitting you are stuck in a loop.

Give yourself permission to heal. Write on a piece of paper I give myself permission to ____.

There are just a few realization that helped me shift.

1. Acceptance of emotions/thoughts. Whatever comes up. It is "good". I'd prefer not to have P thoughts. But if they show up. I will greet them with acceptance. Shake hands and ask how they are doing. Same with emotions. I don't always manage it. But just this change alone made P addiction 80% easier for me.

2. What I am realizing just recently. I cannot solve this addiction using mental means. Thinking cannot produce anything new. I am using thinking to solve all of my problems. While one can be very successful in life in terms of material wealth going by thinking alone. Yet this doesn't work for P addiction as thinking is just a limited part of the whole being. Redirecting my focus outside thinking helps a great deal. Maybe this will be the other 20% for me? Will see soon enough.

Relax, soften, acknowledge. Don't stress about it. Accept yourself fully. Love yourself unconditionally including the good, the bad and the ugly. This is all of you. Sure you will transform for the better in the future but why wait with the love for the future? When X will happen I will love myself. Nope. You are all right right now. Love yourself now.

EW
Alright, man, thanks for advice.
 

GeminiMan

Active Member
Same. I don't really want to quit, I want to use porn whenever I want and still experience the benefits of not being a porn addict, which is not possible. I've wanted to indulge in this pleasure, again and again. The thing is, at least for me, quitting porn will mean big mental suffering. And so far I haven't wanted to experience it. I don't want to suffer mentally for this shit. But if I ever want to really quit, I have to. You know, all those things: the craving for porn, the urges, the "intentionally depriving myself of pleasure", the higher anxiety, the agitation, the excruciating feeling of empty etc. All those things are mental suffering. So far I've been refusing to accept that there is no other way out, it's only through this pain. I'm not declaring anything right now, I don't know how it's going to be, at least I want to end this month without binging again.
That’s a good target @Escapeandnevercomeback
Some analogies come to my mind at this moment like
1) an athlete punishes his body and limbs to earn and keep that place on the team HE LOVES
2) a scientist persists his painful studies hours long day and night to achieve and improvise that breakthrough
HE LOVES
3) and in the same way … we (addicts trying to recover) need to accept all pains that come along with managing urges , feelings of deprivation, emptiness, hollowness and ever distracting mind to earn and hold on to happiness= sobriety(happiness that comes from sobriety) we LOVE .
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
That’s a good target @Escapeandnevercomeback
Some analogies come to my mind at this moment like
1) an athlete punishes his body and limbs to earn and keep that place on the team HE LOVES
2) a scientist persists his painful studies hours long day and night to achieve and improvise that breakthrough
HE LOVES
3) and in the same way … we (addicts trying to recover) need to accept all pains that come along with managing urges , feelings of deprivation, emptiness, hollowness and ever distracting mind to earn and hold on to happiness= sobriety(happiness that comes from sobriety) we LOVE .
Yes, well said.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 3

I wanted to take a long break from coming here because I felt that my journal had become repetitive. It was the same old story: Get a rare longer streak, get motivated, relapse, binge, get embarrassed, write depressive new posts, keep binging with streaks under 10 days for the next period. Really, I was exhausted to continue this thing.

I don't even know why I've started documenting this new streak. Maybe because like this I could feel like I'm really starting a new serious streak? I don't even know. I was ready to give up but having a new disastrous year recovery-wise, just like last year, scared me.

I'm trying to quit alcohol. I haven't drunk anything since April 23rd, a day when I got really tanked. But you know what's absolutely ridiculous? I'm Christian, right? I PMOed on Easter day, man. April 24th, that's my last binge, 3 times that day, I committed the sin exactly during one of the most important Holidays, that's what disgusts me. This addiction ends up making you do things that you would never do. And that's what depresses me. But maybe this could become the "turn the negatives into positives" that I need. I really wish that was the last time, I really do. But what's depressing and disgusting is that right now all I want is to PMO myself out cold. After only 3 days. Talking about a reply to Orbiter before writing this where I said that it sucks when urges start early. I know.

Maybe I also wanted to write this because my mind is functioning a little better. Post binges, I can't even think, I can't find words to talk, it's like I'm spacing out or something. The walls are closing in, little by little, with this addiction, in 10 years you won't be the same addict you are now, it's like starting to have physical injuries after doing gymnastics at the highest level since you were a kid. My brain is not functioning the same as when I was 20. I'm starting to see more repercussions after binging than I did back then.

But anyway, I also need to quit caffeine too, which I haven't been doing. I've only been staying away from drinking, which is good too, maybe I won't show erratic behavior anymore.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
By the way, I don't appreciate the higher anxiety. It seems to always be the case with me. I stay away from porn and my anxiety goes through the roof, even panic. It makes anxiety inducing situations even worse, I get physically sick and dizzy. I even get panic attacks like last evening, I was coming home from work and I couldn't breathe in the subway.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Hi, Escape! I started re-following this journal (because at the time, you moved on to another journal).

Important thing for us, Escape, is to keep hope and positivity- no matter what!

I know what you mean about lapsing as a Christian, which I've done falling to temptation, even during or after prayer! Or, the many times I've set aside the Bible, or 'pushed it aside' as it were, so I could act out!

But what started turning things around for me, brother- even before I was anywhere near successful- was the radical grace of God, that no matter what- you're forgiven, saved, and even sanctified.

As believers especially, toxic shame is what continues to drive this addiction. The silver bullet? Grace, the extreme, radical grace of God. No matter what, believe that you are loved and forgiven, even if we fail. Eventually we will begin to love and forgive ourselves.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Hi, Escape! I started re-following this journal (because at the time, you moved on to another journal).

Important thing for us, Escape, is to keep hope and positivity- no matter what!

I know what you mean about lapsing as a Christian, which I've done falling to temptation, even during or after prayer! Or, the many times I've set aside the Bible, or 'pushed it aside' as it were, so I could act out!

But what started turning things around for me, brother- even before I was anywhere near successful- was the radical grace of God, that no matter what- you're forgiven, saved, and even sanctified.

As believers especially, toxic shame is what continues to drive this addiction. The silver bullet? Grace, the extreme, radical grace of God. No matter what, believe that you are loved and forgiven, even if we fail. Eventually we will begin to love and forgive ourselves.
Thanks, bro.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Escape I appreciate your honesty and I agree with both you and Phineas!! The P devil is a crafty one and makes us feel so unworthy all the time. I just updated my journal and hit a low point this week... that I haven't hit in more than 6 months. I appreciate the "fight" you have to win your battles and I hope you can lean into GOD and the word to assist. Loneliness in our struggles in my opinion makes it easy for satan to get into our minds. Hope you know you are not alone and praying for you brother!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Escape I appreciate your honesty and I agree with both you and Phineas!! The P devil is a crafty one and makes us feel so unworthy all the time. I just updated my journal and hit a low point this week... that I haven't hit in more than 6 months. I appreciate the "fight" you have to win your battles and I hope you can lean into GOD and the word to assist. Loneliness in our struggles in my opinion makes it easy for satan to get into our minds. Hope you know you are not alone and praying for you brother!
Thanks, man! I appreciate the support.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
6 days no porn, 1 week no alcohol

I know this is not an alcohol addiction forum but I can't ignore the role of alcohol in relapses. It's not just my case, I've seen other addicts relapsing because of alcohol. I think it's crucial for all of us who relapse because of drinking to quit it. We need to do whatever it takes to be successful in our porn recovery and give up everything that hinders the process, some of them will be temporary.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Well done, Escape! I agree with you, if there's a causal link being made between alcohol and p-addiction, quitting both would be ideal. It seems when you're doing this, you make the best progress...

For me, social media- and how it can become p-subs for me- are what links me back to the unwanted behaviors. So, if I want to make real progress again, I have to disengage from both, which I describe in my journal. Though, I would say- because ironically I use social media for outreach and business, I kind of have to make it work...

But the point is taken that, whatever links us back- or what ever is paired together with the P, PMO behaviors, we have to cut it loose- or radically alter it- so it doesn't keep making us fall.
 
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