I need to up my game.

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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1

I'm ashamed to always display the same mediocrity. After years of trying, I have no excuses. I am not supposed to be stuck in this loop. Not getting to even 2 weeks? After a few years of trying, that's all I can? Relapsing in the same way like 6 years ago? That's the problem. When the fuck am I going to change? How many fuckin times am I going to write "Day 1" here? It's up to me, nobody comes to save me, I'm on my own in this. It's nobody else's duty to save me, that's my duty. I got myself into this, I must get myself out. The "Relapse/Restart" marathon is as real as a punch in the fuckin mouth. We don't want to believe this but this marathon can actually last for life. So, what am I gonna do? I don't want to return here and write this type of shit again.
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hypofrontality (brain-fog) is just a concept, the addictive loop is just a concept... Sure, there's real chemicals involved, there's real habit-loops to which we succumb, but it takes just one thought to change your life.

I'm with EW in what he said above, challenge your belief-systems, like seriously. I like the anger you're displaying, because that can be the crucible for change.

Believe you can change, know you can, always hold that hope for yourself- no matter how many times you have to pick yourself up.

Each time is just another opportunity to try something different, see what works, what doesn't- go deeper, challenge how you think about yourself, are you grateful (and if so, for what?), do you love yourself? etc...

Look up (old journal, new journal) all your lengthiest streaks (3 weeks or more), and see what you were doing that worked, or what eventually tripped you up... refocus, rework your plan, and save yourself.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Phineas 808 said:
Hypofrontality (brain-fog) is just a concept, the addictive loop is just a concept... Sure, there's real chemicals involved, there's real habit-loops to which we succumb, but it takes just one thought to change your life.

I'm with EW in what he said above, challenge your belief-systems, like seriously. I like the anger you're displaying, because that can be the crucible for change.

Believe you can change, know you can, always hold that hope for yourself- no matter how many times you have to pick yourself up.

Each time is just another opportunity to try something different, see what works, what doesn't- go deeper, challenge how you think about yourself, are you grateful (and if so, for what?), do you love yourself? etc...

Look up (old journal, new journal) all your lengthiest streaks (3 weeks or more), and see what you were doing that worked, or what eventually tripped you up... refocus, rework your plan, and save yourself.
Click to expand...
The reason why my longer streaks didn't last was that I chose the path of least resilience. I kept finding excuses like I have to also quit drinking and quitting two addictions at once is too hard, I am lonely, I'm sexually frustrated, I have no coping skills etc. so I could keep porn in my life somehow. Deep down inside me I was not completely determined to abandon it. And after having a mentality like this, I found a way to make mistakes. Who gives a fuck that it's hard? If you have to do it, you do it. Of course, quitting porn and alcohol at the same time is difficult, but who gives a fuck? If you want to do it, you find a way to do it. Excuses hold you down.

Thanks for support and advice.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 6

One of the things that suck every time I stay away from porn is higher anxiety. I get to the point where I'm freaking out for no reason. Some time ago I even had a mild panic attack in the train.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 7

The brain works with cues of course. If day 7 is when you start struggling with urges, then day 7 will be the day when it's on, all the fuckin time. But I can't pay attention to this shit over and over again. If the brain got trained to ask for the pleasure on day 7, it can also be trained not to get it.

Fuck porn!
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Great job again, you stupid fuckin piece of shit! Rock bottom again! I've failed again. Relapse x 4. One more time I chose the path of least resilience. I've failed to embrace the suck.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 2

Still very disappointed with how I'm doing this. I must be some idiot, seriously, if I know I shouldn't repeat the same shit but I do it over and over.

I was at work, of course the routine kicked in, it was the day when I buy something to drink but, surprisingly, the battle in my head between do it and don't do it was small. After a short while I decided it was not a good idea to buy something to drink because after 9 days no porn I would jerk off to porn for sure. So I skipped the store, I was in the subway, everything alright until I reached the downtown and the craving for alcohol started again. I told myself: "Don't do it because you will watch porn, I can assure you," but it took only 1 second to say to myself: "No, I can handle it, I will think intensely about not watching porn, I will make up my mind 100%, be determined 100% not to watch porn and that should take care of the craving when I'm drunk" and I was in the store.

I went home, I got drunk, PMO 4 times and that's how you stay a loser. A round of applause. Amazing job. Go back and think about how many times you relapsed in the exact same way (1000?) and then decide if you are a fuckin stupid idiot for doing it again.

What more can I really say?
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Give yourself a break. I know what you're doing is dangerous (the alcohol), and sucks the joy out of life (PMO), but it's not will-power versus the addictions, but you're up against a well ingrained pattern of behavior- habbit/addiction. It's only because we repeat these things that our chains get stronger. Once we don't do what we're programed to do, saying 'No' in the moment, the chains get weaker and weaker.

Yes, there's 'the suck'- but it's not your will-power versus the suck, but ignoring the suck, the urges, and doing something else.

This monster is only as big as we make it, as all the power lies in you. But would we stand in front of a tank? No. We have to have a strategy on how to outsmart the tank- we know its path, we know its pattern, we know the same old alley way that it drives down. So, change the alley way!

Have faith, Escape! Know that God loves you...
 
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downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
You can do this, Escape. You are worthy of something better. I know it must be incredibly frustrating to fall into the same pattern over and over. But I have to say that the way you are talking to yourself, calling yourself names and putting yourself down - that is you reinforcing the belief that you can’t win over this thing, that you’re not worth it. That somehow you deserve this.

But think about it for a moment. You are human, you have intrinsic value from the moment you are born. That you have problems with addiction is not your fault, that’s not what you chose to do with yourself. That is a product of things that have happened in your life, things that are out of your control.

The thing you do have control over though, is how you respond to those events. How you treat yourself if you slip up or make a mistake. Realise that everyone makes mistakes, and don’t beat yourself up for making them. You need to get up, and standing over yourself and calling yourself names is going to make everything so much harder.

Those words you are saying to yourself hold a lot of power. They betray the way you feel about yourself, the way you think of yourself. When those thoughts arise, try to notice them and challenge them then and there.
 
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