I need to up my game.

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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 6

It's day 6 but I'm on the verge of relapsing any second. If tomorrow my streak is still intact, it will be a miracle.

I'm playing with fire and when you do this, chances are you are gonna burn the house down, like the Rammstein song (Hilf mir) with the girl who likes to play with matches and ends up burning the whole house down. But there is always the chance to arise from ashes like the end of the song and be reborn and rebuild yourself into something good... I guess. The possibility is always there but will you walk the hard road required for this? The road of least resilience is easier: Pleasure, sedation, numbness, easy way out. Will you go through the pain required to obtain freedom? (no pleasure, no sedation, no numbess, no easy way out). By default the mind likes comfort and hates discomfort, you are fucked from the beginning, you have to control your mind if not it will control you and choose comfort. This is a mind game. This very recovery we are talking about is a mind game. If you don't control your mind, you are fucked and end of story.

So what are we gonna do?

And this is the song:
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I know that technically every human being has the possibility to quit porn if they are addicted but I don't know what that is. I don't know how to quit, I can't quit or whatever.
 
Chuckles

Chuckles

Active Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
I know that technically every human being has the possibility to quit porn if they are addicted but I don't know what that is. I don't know how to quit, I can't quit or whatever.
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My advice, take it or leave it:

Just briefly reading your past few relapses, try not to beat yourself up too bad. I won't lie and say it's no big deal, because it is a big deal. But you aren't going to improve by beating yourself up. Look back at the guy who relapsed, and love him. Really understand his suffering and struggles and that he's trying, and wants to get better. Give him a fucking hug.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Focus on what other parts of your life you're going to change. Obviously alcohol is an issue. It's possible you need to be completely sober before you can fully break PMO.

What kind of help are you getting outside of Reboot Nation? Therapy? Support group? A close friend or family member?

What are your healthy replacements? Exercise? Meditation? New hobbies?

What makes it easy to get back into bad habits? What have you changed to take the behavior off auto pilot? Move your desk around? Put your phone in a box across the room?

I'm sorry you might have already posted the answers to these questions. But honestly I'm asking more to remind you of your framework for recovery, and/or to encourage you to build one, than me actually needing the answers. Answers still appreciated though.

Stay strong. You'll beat this eventually.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Chuckles said:
Just briefly reading your past few relapses, try not to beat yourself up too bad. I won't lie and say it's no big deal, because it is a big deal. But you aren't going to improve by beating yourself up. Look back at the guy who relapsed, and love him. Really understand his suffering and struggles and that he's trying, and wants to get better. Give him a fucking hug.
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I appreciate your support but I would appreciate if you didn't write this sort of stuff in my journal again, I'm not in the mood for this. Thank you for understanding.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1

I would appreciate if people stopped telling me to be nice with myself and give myself a hug. I don't want to read this thing in my journal anymore, it's getting on my nerves. Thank you for understanding.
 
Chuckles

Chuckles

Active Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
I know that technically every human being has the possibility to quit porn if they are addicted but I don't know what that is. I don't know how to quit, I can't quit or whatever.
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Honest question, not intending to be sarcastic/condescending/whatever, what do you want from the community here? Do you want advice on how to effectively quit? Do you want encouragement? Or do you just want a place to write things down and send them into the void that is the internet? What does good support look like to you?

At the top of my post I said "take it or leave it" and leaving it is an option. But beyond that first part you didn't like, did you read the rest of it? It's good advice. Identify your problem areas. Come up with a plan for quitting. Build a framework. Stick to it.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Chuckles said:
Honest question, not intending to be sarcastic/condescending/whatever, what do you want from the community here? Do you want advice on how to effectively quit? Do you want encouragement? Or do you just want a place to write things down and send them into the void that is the internet? What does good support look like to you?

At the top of my post I said "take it or leave it" and leaving it is an option. But beyond that first part you didn't like, did you read the rest of it? It's good advice. Identify your problem areas. Come up with a plan for quitting. Build a framework. Stick to it.
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Hey, man, I apologize for that thing, I was angry and depressed after the relapse. Maybe it came out worse than I wanted to say it. The thing is, I was mad at myself for relapsing continously and I hated to see people keep telling me to be nice to myself. Yes, maybe this is what I should do. But anyway, the thing is, this stupid porn addiction has this talent to transform you. I am, by default, a nice, humble guy, but this fuckin addiction has me by the balls. I'm on edge. I hope you forgot about it.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I'm on day 10 hard mode and, as always, I'm walking the tightrope, I can relapse in any second but I hope I won't. It's been alright so far with the rebooting but I have a problem with drinkin, I can't fuckin stop... And I don't like this at all. Not only that you can't continue drinking when you can't control it, it goes without sayin, but it also has the potential to make me binge porn, so it's a sword with double edge and both cut deep. Those stupid addictions have me on edge all the time. I hear the tick-tock, time flies and I see myself stuck in this shit. I'm broken spiritually and as a result, physically and mentally too. I know there is always a way out. Recovering from addictions is hard work, you won't make it by half assing it. The recovery demands respect. I need to do a well research inside myself and see wtf is going on. The facts are clear: I am trying to fix my inner life with external things. It will never work.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 11

I can't lie, I need to be completely honest: Everyday is tightrope. I am starting to get very sexually hungry and frustrated and I am sure I am not doing all the things to maximize the chances for a successful rebooting but since I hit 30 years old I haven't been able to escape the running out of patience I'm experiencing with this porn addiction. I want to be done with it sooner and maybe this sabotages me but I don't know better for now. I just don't want to repeat the same circle.
 
Z

zackergeet

Active Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
Day 11

I can't lie, I need to be completely honest: Everyday is tightrope. I am starting to get very sexually hungry and frustrated and I am sure I am not doing all the things to maximize the chances for a successful rebooting but since I hit 30 years old I haven't been able to escape the running out of patience I'm experiencing with this porn addiction. I want to be done with it sooner and maybe this sabotages me but I don't know better for now. I just don't want to repeat the same circle.
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Hang in there man you can do it!
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Blondie said:
At least for me, I'll take anxiety over looking at porn any day. Both suck, but one is considerably better than the other.

Best
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Hell yeah, well said! Like I used to say: One leads to something, the other to nothing. Withdrawal leads to escape, constant relapsing leads to nothing. It's true, we rather take the anxiety than porn because the anxiety is part of withdrawal.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey Escape, I know you mentioned once that you drink a lot of coffee. I also drank a lot of coffee in my past, and just recently got myself off of it completely. Having done so, my anxiety levels have been considerably lower than they were before. I actually thought I was just an "anxious" person, but now I see a lot of it came from caffeine!

Anyways, just a thought. Nice job on day 12.
 
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