I need to up my game.

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Great job again, you stupid fuckin piece of shit! Rock bottom again! I've failed again. Relapse x 4. One more time I chose the path of least resilience. I've failed to embrace the suck.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 2

Still very disappointed with how I'm doing this. I must be some idiot, seriously, if I know I shouldn't repeat the same shit but I do it over and over.

I was at work, of course the routine kicked in, it was the day when I buy something to drink but, surprisingly, the battle in my head between do it and don't do it was small. After a short while I decided it was not a good idea to buy something to drink because after 9 days no porn I would jerk off to porn for sure. So I skipped the store, I was in the subway, everything alright until I reached the downtown and the craving for alcohol started again. I told myself: "Don't do it because you will watch porn, I can assure you," but it took only 1 second to say to myself: "No, I can handle it, I will think intensely about not watching porn, I will make up my mind 100%, be determined 100% not to watch porn and that should take care of the craving when I'm drunk" and I was in the store.

I went home, I got drunk, PMO 4 times and that's how you stay a loser. A round of applause. Amazing job. Go back and think about how many times you relapsed in the exact same way (1000?) and then decide if you are a fuckin stupid idiot for doing it again.

What more can I really say?
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Give yourself a break. I know what you're doing is dangerous (the alcohol), and sucks the joy out of life (PMO), but it's not will-power versus the addictions, but you're up against a well ingrained pattern of behavior- habbit/addiction. It's only because we repeat these things that our chains get stronger. Once we don't do what we're programed to do, saying 'No' in the moment, the chains get weaker and weaker.

Yes, there's 'the suck'- but it's not your will-power versus the suck, but ignoring the suck, the urges, and doing something else.

This monster is only as big as we make it, as all the power lies in you. But would we stand in front of a tank? No. We have to have a strategy on how to outsmart the tank- we know its path, we know its pattern, we know the same old alley way that it drives down. So, change the alley way!

Have faith, Escape! Know that God loves you...
 
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downhillfromhere

Active Member
You can do this, Escape. You are worthy of something better. I know it must be incredibly frustrating to fall into the same pattern over and over. But I have to say that the way you are talking to yourself, calling yourself names and putting yourself down - that is you reinforcing the belief that you can’t win over this thing, that you’re not worth it. That somehow you deserve this.

But think about it for a moment. You are human, you have intrinsic value from the moment you are born. That you have problems with addiction is not your fault, that’s not what you chose to do with yourself. That is a product of things that have happened in your life, things that are out of your control.

The thing you do have control over though, is how you respond to those events. How you treat yourself if you slip up or make a mistake. Realise that everyone makes mistakes, and don’t beat yourself up for making them. You need to get up, and standing over yourself and calling yourself names is going to make everything so much harder.

Those words you are saying to yourself hold a lot of power. They betray the way you feel about yourself, the way you think of yourself. When those thoughts arise, try to notice them and challenge them then and there.
 
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zaraki888

Active Member
Hello Escapeandnevercomeback,

I have a question for you. Do you do things on a daily basis which makes you happy? Are there things you love doing but you don't do because of porn or other reasons? Any hobbies?

I find when I do things I want to do, love doing, it makes it easier for me to not want to watch porn and jerk off because porn can't compare to the joy of swimming or rock climbing for me. I used to fight this addiction, beat myself and not allow myself to enjoy life.

My focus is on putting all my energy into building myself and I make sure I do one thing daily which makes me happy.

When I feel like I could have done this, enjoy that today, getting things done but I didn't, I feel bad like wasting my day and so I turn back to porn to feel better about myself. However if I feel like I had a great time then the porn doesn't do it for me anymore.

I red somewhere, even though you do not see a bamboo plant yet coming out of the soil, what is happening unseen, you are making strong strong roots. Take care.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 6

It's day 6 but I'm on the verge of relapsing any second. If tomorrow my streak is still intact, it will be a miracle.

I'm playing with fire and when you do this, chances are you are gonna burn the house down, like the Rammstein song (Hilf mir) with the girl who likes to play with matches and ends up burning the whole house down. But there is always the chance to arise from ashes like the end of the song and be reborn and rebuild yourself into something good... I guess. The possibility is always there but will you walk the hard road required for this? The road of least resilience is easier: Pleasure, sedation, numbness, easy way out. Will you go through the pain required to obtain freedom? (no pleasure, no sedation, no numbess, no easy way out). By default the mind likes comfort and hates discomfort, you are fucked from the beginning, you have to control your mind if not it will control you and choose comfort. This is a mind game. This very recovery we are talking about is a mind game. If you don't control your mind, you are fucked and end of story.

So what are we gonna do?

And this is the song:
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I know that technically every human being has the possibility to quit porn if they are addicted but I don't know what that is. I don't know how to quit, I can't quit or whatever.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
I know that technically every human being has the possibility to quit porn if they are addicted but I don't know what that is. I don't know how to quit, I can't quit or whatever.
My advice, take it or leave it:

Just briefly reading your past few relapses, try not to beat yourself up too bad. I won't lie and say it's no big deal, because it is a big deal. But you aren't going to improve by beating yourself up. Look back at the guy who relapsed, and love him. Really understand his suffering and struggles and that he's trying, and wants to get better. Give him a fucking hug.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Focus on what other parts of your life you're going to change. Obviously alcohol is an issue. It's possible you need to be completely sober before you can fully break PMO.

What kind of help are you getting outside of Reboot Nation? Therapy? Support group? A close friend or family member?

What are your healthy replacements? Exercise? Meditation? New hobbies?

What makes it easy to get back into bad habits? What have you changed to take the behavior off auto pilot? Move your desk around? Put your phone in a box across the room?

I'm sorry you might have already posted the answers to these questions. But honestly I'm asking more to remind you of your framework for recovery, and/or to encourage you to build one, than me actually needing the answers. Answers still appreciated though.

Stay strong. You'll beat this eventually.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Just briefly reading your past few relapses, try not to beat yourself up too bad. I won't lie and say it's no big deal, because it is a big deal. But you aren't going to improve by beating yourself up. Look back at the guy who relapsed, and love him. Really understand his suffering and struggles and that he's trying, and wants to get better. Give him a fucking hug.
I appreciate your support but I would appreciate if you didn't write this sort of stuff in my journal again, I'm not in the mood for this. Thank you for understanding.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1

I would appreciate if people stopped telling me to be nice with myself and give myself a hug. I don't want to read this thing in my journal anymore, it's getting on my nerves. Thank you for understanding.
 
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