I need to up my game.

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Public Service Announcement:

I’m a believer in God, but I do Norma ascribe to the 12-Step disease model of addiction.

Even God wouldn’t approve of such disempowering tactics… He’s all for finding your power.
The program could work, but I don't believe in taking it literally. It has the potential to work if you see beyond the surface and turn it into something that could help you. Maybe something like this:

1. Recognize you have a problem
2. Believe that the problem can go away and your life can change in better
3. Seek and accept help
4. Make a moral inventory of yourself
5. (If you can) confide in someone you trust
etc. I don't know how to reinterpret all of them anyway but I think we get the idea.

The way the program looks it's like hand everything to God and have him remove everything etc. Okay, but I guess even God would say: You have to do the work, I can guide you. The way I wrote those 5 steps looks more like the work we need to do, not asking to be fixed easily. I know everything about being handed things. Last time I was handed things, I got addicted to Internet pornography and developed instant gratification.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 0

Fuckin shit, man. PMO x 4. :(Maybe it will be x 5 by the end of the day. I believe I would have more success with the streaks without this fuckin addiction to alcohol. I can't count how many streaks it's stopped already. I used to say that maybe it's alcohol I should take care of first, because this seems to be a bigger problem for me, both socially and porn recovery-wise. You say "Okay, I understand alcohol makes me binge PMO, so from now on I will not drink anymore" and then 3 days later you say "Just one bottle of wine man, it can't do anything, I don't have urges for porn so I know I can't binge PMO like this, I won't even get drunk." You finish the bottle of wine and then you are on the couch with the dick in your hand. That's how you remain stuck in the fuckin place in your mind that you can't exit. I don't know, I will probably limit my input around here because I'm tired of writing the same shit.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 1

Those idiotic addictions have me on edge. I'm really annoyed with all this. I feel pressure and maybe this is why I keep failing. I feel like I need to take it slowly, despise the fact that I'm in my fuckin thirties.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
The program could work, but I don't believe in taking it literally. It has the potential to work if you see beyond the surface and turn it into something that could help you. Maybe something like this:

1. Recognize you have a problem
2. Believe that the problem can go away and your life can change in better
3. Seek and accept help
4. Make a moral inventory of yourself
5. (If you can) confide in someone you trust
etc. I don't know how to reinterpret all of them anyway but I think we get the idea.

The way the program looks it's like hand everything to God and have him remove everything etc. Okay, but I guess even God would say: You have to do the work, I can guide you. The way I wrote those 5 steps looks more like the work we need to do, not asking to be fixed easily. I know everything about being handed things. Last time I was handed things, I got addicted to Internet pornography and developed instant gratification.

Good points… And I try not to knock it publicly just in case it’s working for someone…

I’m a firm believer in trying multiple disciplines and methods to find that “sweet spot” for what will work best for the individual…
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Escape, sorry for the recent struggles…

I would say to stay here posting, because this may be your only outlet. At least your not bottling all this angst inside, and you have good support here on RN.

The age thing: a habit’s a habit, or an addiction is what it is… it knows no age limit. The point is to overcome it, no matter how long it takes.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Good points… And I try not to knock it publicly just in case it’s working for someone…

I’m a firm believer in trying multiple disciplines and methods to find that “sweet spot” for what will work best for the individual…
Definitely. I see your point. You don't know what program could work for you until you try it. I've recently discovered Russell Brand, I didn't know who the guy was but he's becoming an important indirect help for me with this reinterpretation of the 12 steps. I had the feeling that things "clicked" in my head when I watched his videos on Youtube. He has a book too but I haven't read it. I like how he tried to turn the 12 steps into something understandable for everyone to try. I've said this before, many people don't want to follow a 12 steps program because half of the steps discuss God. And I've said this already too, 10 years ago I wouldn't have wanted to touch it either for the same reason. But nowadays I can't say I would not touch a program like that because of all the God thing, I have no problem anymore with this and with bringing Divinity and Faith into equation, maybe it's even necessary for me, but the steps just didn't stimulate me to try them, as they were, until Russell showed up.
 
Last edited:

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Escape, sorry for the recent struggles…

I would say to stay here posting, because this may be your only outlet. At least your not bottling all this angst inside, and you have good support here on RN.

The age thing: a habit’s a habit, or an addiction is what it is… it knows no age limit. The point is to overcome it, no matter how long it takes.
It's true. Reboot Nation is currently my only outlet where I can say I am fucked. I haven't been able to tell anyone in person.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 2

Without building an inner life that can sustain no self-medication, I have no chance. The facts are here laid on the table: I have a broken inner world and I want to "fix" it with "drugs". Unless I fix this inner broken world, I will keep going with the self-medication. It's like a punch in the face to find myself at 31 years old having to deal with this, I wish I could do it earlier, but the thing is if you never work on it, it will keep dragging and you could find yourself at an advanced age still having a hole in your soul that you try to fix with drugs.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I'm in a certain category of people: People who have lived too little, people that are embarrassed to start talking about their lives because they haven't done much. I'm 31 and from 12 to 31 I have had only a few instances of really "living". I haven't had any friends since 22 years old. I haven't pursuit hobbies, interests, studying etc. I would like to study so many things yet I haven't studied shit. Yes, it's a sad show. It's safe to say I am embarrassed to even bring up the subject because I would have to lie and I hate lying. It's safe to say it's very hard to open up and admit this. Even as anonymous. It's a big blow to the ego. "How the fuck did you end up in this mess?" Yes, it's a good question. I don't have a definitive answer. I don't even know how the fuck I ended up in this mess. Porn + Miserable programming, maybe. Everything happened gradually but all of a sudden. Things moved too fast but they once were moving at a normal speed and I was asleep.

So I will probably speak more to this group, as it's what I know, as I figure things out. And I believe for us, the first 3 steps we need to take are:

1. Admit you have a problem. Or problems.

This is self-explanatory. You won't want to change unless you admit that you have a problem, or multiple problems, that you are a mess and that you are using porn, substances, alcohol, behaviors, sugar etc. only one of them or all of them to self-medicate.

2. Believe that the problem(s) can go away and that you can actually live a life without "drugs" and that you can have a fulfilling life.

This will challenge the people in my group. We normally have a resistance to this, we don't think we can ever be happy, we can ever have a life without addictions, without misery, without low self-esteem, without thinking we are shit etc. This is a blow to the very core of us. And this step might take a while but we need to develop the belief that we can lose the fucked up self we know so well and change and have a good life.

3. Seek and accept help.

This is again very difficult for the people in my group. Because we are so scared to open up, it gets very difficult to seek help because seeking help means you have to tell the person what's wrong with you. But I think it's crucial to seek help and try to find the right people who could help. Here is the thing, if we could figure everything out and heal ourselves in solitude, we would do it. If for more than 10 years I couldn't do shit about myself, maybe it's safe to say I don't know how to do it and that I need help.

Don't lose hope. But don't struggle in vain either. Try to be specific.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I would like to study so many things yet I haven't studied shit.

Start today. Start with studying how to free yourself from your addictions. A worthy study. And, haven't you been studying this (to whatever degree) already?

"How the fuck did you end up in this mess?" Yes, it's a good question. I don't have a definitive answer. I don't even know how the fuck I ended up in this mess.

Start with this question. This is what I 'studied' in early 2000's, how did I get here? I wondered why I was so obsessive, why were my unwanted sexual behaviors so compulsive? I read, I digged- I came up with answers that explained alot, but it was still going to be more years before the answers were more helpful and satisfactory. But I wouldn't trade those early studies for anything, because I began to learn about myself.

Porn + Miserable programming, maybe. Everything happened gradually but all of a sudden. Things moved too fast but they once were moving at a normal speed and I was asleep.

Careful not to give porn too much power in all of this, it could very well have been heroin, OCD, overeating- and you know alcohol also became an addiction, too. So, the porn and alcohol are only symptoms. But yeah, study about family origins, study about 'where' the idea of porn as medication came into the picture. When did you start self-medicating? Questions like that. But, that was a very important question to ask myself was when exactly did this thing start? I can say about myself- I know exactly where this came from for me. Regardless, ending this thing can start now, while it may take years to untangle the why's.

Good questions, Escape.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Start today. Start with studying how to free yourself from your addictions. A worthy study. And, haven't you been studying this (to whatever degree) already?



Start with this question. This is what I 'studied' in early 2000's, how did I get here? I wondered why I was so obsessive, why were my unwanted sexual behaviors so compulsive? I read, I digged- I came up with answers that explained alot, but it was still going to be more years before the answers were more helpful and satisfactory. But I wouldn't trade those early studies for anything, because I began to learn about myself.



Careful not to give porn too much power in all of this, it could very well have been heroin, OCD, overeating- and you know alcohol also became an addiction, too. So, the porn and alcohol are only symptoms. But yeah, study about family origins, study about 'where' the idea of porn as medication came into the picture. When did you start self-medicating? Questions like that. But, that was a very important question to ask myself was when exactly did this thing start? I can say about myself- I know exactly where this came from for me. Regardless, ending this thing can start now, while it may take years to untangle the why's.

Good questions, Escape.
Yes, I know, porn and alcohol but especially porn are side effects but I can't deny that it's added a lot to the misery. I'm sure it would've been different, still broken, but feeling different without all this PMO. It's made me even more miserable. It's like you're supposed to get a punch in the face but you add a baseball bat in the head on top of it. The baseball bat was porn.
 
Top