I need to up my game.

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Escape, sorry for the recent struggles…

I would say to stay here posting, because this may be your only outlet. At least your not bottling all this angst inside, and you have good support here on RN.

The age thing: a habit’s a habit, or an addiction is what it is… it knows no age limit. The point is to overcome it, no matter how long it takes.
It's true. Reboot Nation is currently my only outlet where I can say I am fucked. I haven't been able to tell anyone in person.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 2

Without building an inner life that can sustain no self-medication, I have no chance. The facts are here laid on the table: I have a broken inner world and I want to "fix" it with "drugs". Unless I fix this inner broken world, I will keep going with the self-medication. It's like a punch in the face to find myself at 31 years old having to deal with this, I wish I could do it earlier, but the thing is if you never work on it, it will keep dragging and you could find yourself at an advanced age still having a hole in your soul that you try to fix with drugs.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I'm in a certain category of people: People who have lived too little, people that are embarrassed to start talking about their lives because they haven't done much. I'm 31 and from 12 to 31 I have had only a few instances of really "living". I haven't had any friends since 22 years old. I haven't pursuit hobbies, interests, studying etc. I would like to study so many things yet I haven't studied shit. Yes, it's a sad show. It's safe to say I am embarrassed to even bring up the subject because I would have to lie and I hate lying. It's safe to say it's very hard to open up and admit this. Even as anonymous. It's a big blow to the ego. "How the fuck did you end up in this mess?" Yes, it's a good question. I don't have a definitive answer. I don't even know how the fuck I ended up in this mess. Porn + Miserable programming, maybe. Everything happened gradually but all of a sudden. Things moved too fast but they once were moving at a normal speed and I was asleep.

So I will probably speak more to this group, as it's what I know, as I figure things out. And I believe for us, the first 3 steps we need to take are:

1. Admit you have a problem. Or problems.

This is self-explanatory. You won't want to change unless you admit that you have a problem, or multiple problems, that you are a mess and that you are using porn, substances, alcohol, behaviors, sugar etc. only one of them or all of them to self-medicate.

2. Believe that the problem(s) can go away and that you can actually live a life without "drugs" and that you can have a fulfilling life.

This will challenge the people in my group. We normally have a resistance to this, we don't think we can ever be happy, we can ever have a life without addictions, without misery, without low self-esteem, without thinking we are shit etc. This is a blow to the very core of us. And this step might take a while but we need to develop the belief that we can lose the fucked up self we know so well and change and have a good life.

3. Seek and accept help.

This is again very difficult for the people in my group. Because we are so scared to open up, it gets very difficult to seek help because seeking help means you have to tell the person what's wrong with you. But I think it's crucial to seek help and try to find the right people who could help. Here is the thing, if we could figure everything out and heal ourselves in solitude, we would do it. If for more than 10 years I couldn't do shit about myself, maybe it's safe to say I don't know how to do it and that I need help.

Don't lose hope. But don't struggle in vain either. Try to be specific.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
I would like to study so many things yet I haven't studied shit.

Start today. Start with studying how to free yourself from your addictions. A worthy study. And, haven't you been studying this (to whatever degree) already?

"How the fuck did you end up in this mess?" Yes, it's a good question. I don't have a definitive answer. I don't even know how the fuck I ended up in this mess.

Start with this question. This is what I 'studied' in early 2000's, how did I get here? I wondered why I was so obsessive, why were my unwanted sexual behaviors so compulsive? I read, I digged- I came up with answers that explained alot, but it was still going to be more years before the answers were more helpful and satisfactory. But I wouldn't trade those early studies for anything, because I began to learn about myself.

Porn + Miserable programming, maybe. Everything happened gradually but all of a sudden. Things moved too fast but they once were moving at a normal speed and I was asleep.

Careful not to give porn too much power in all of this, it could very well have been heroin, OCD, overeating- and you know alcohol also became an addiction, too. So, the porn and alcohol are only symptoms. But yeah, study about family origins, study about 'where' the idea of porn as medication came into the picture. When did you start self-medicating? Questions like that. But, that was a very important question to ask myself was when exactly did this thing start? I can say about myself- I know exactly where this came from for me. Regardless, ending this thing can start now, while it may take years to untangle the why's.

Good questions, Escape.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Start today. Start with studying how to free yourself from your addictions. A worthy study. And, haven't you been studying this (to whatever degree) already?



Start with this question. This is what I 'studied' in early 2000's, how did I get here? I wondered why I was so obsessive, why were my unwanted sexual behaviors so compulsive? I read, I digged- I came up with answers that explained alot, but it was still going to be more years before the answers were more helpful and satisfactory. But I wouldn't trade those early studies for anything, because I began to learn about myself.



Careful not to give porn too much power in all of this, it could very well have been heroin, OCD, overeating- and you know alcohol also became an addiction, too. So, the porn and alcohol are only symptoms. But yeah, study about family origins, study about 'where' the idea of porn as medication came into the picture. When did you start self-medicating? Questions like that. But, that was a very important question to ask myself was when exactly did this thing start? I can say about myself- I know exactly where this came from for me. Regardless, ending this thing can start now, while it may take years to untangle the why's.

Good questions, Escape.
Yes, I know, porn and alcohol but especially porn are side effects but I can't deny that it's added a lot to the misery. I'm sure it would've been different, still broken, but feeling different without all this PMO. It's made me even more miserable. It's like you're supposed to get a punch in the face but you add a baseball bat in the head on top of it. The baseball bat was porn.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Yeah why not try it - can always quit if it turns out it's not for you - nothing to lose 👍
The 12 steps program is controversial. Some people don't want to hear about it because half of the steps discuss God. Some don't think it works at all. Some have found some statistics of how many 12 steps attendees are still sober to this day (I don't know the statistics but I'm curious), some believe in God but don't want to "hand their lives to Him", whatever that means for them. But then I found Russell Brand and his reinterpretation of the 12 steps and the way he puts it cannot be anything negative, the program has definitely some good things in it: Admit you have a problem, believe the problem can go away and you can lead a good life without the addiction, seek and accept help, make a moral inventory of yourself, share it with someone you trust, be careful about the patterns that the moral inventory reveals etc. I mean, nothing wrong with those, those are valid, good steps, even for a beginning. He swears on them saying that he's been sober and clean for 20 years following this. But the point I'm trying to make is the 3rd step: Seek and accept help. That's right, I don't feel like I can do this on my own and I've been trying, believe me. I've asked my parents for support and my dad told me: "It's not me who leads you to the store to buy alcohol." They are definitely people who don't know how to help me, they are not former addicts, they are not counselors, they are not people from AA, I shouldn't expect from them more than a pat on the back saying "Good job son, you're doing great. We won't drink around you." I definitely need some proper help, not just with the alcohol but this is the bigger problem in my life right now, and I thought it was porn. The thing is, I can find ways to go on with a porn streak, for some reason I can't stay sober more than a few days...
 

Dungalef

Member
Hang in there, Escape! You're doing great to keep coming back here and checking in. You've shown such an incredible amount of perseverance!

I think particularly is right, why not try AA? No harm giving it a shot. No matter how the method does or doesn't work for you, it could be good for you to connect with others in a similar spot.
 
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