I need to up my game.

Biz

Member
This streak started yesterday, July 27. Let's see where it takes me... I am depressed about all this shit. I've lost all the longer streaks so far...And they come few and far in between. I am the true definition of "serial relapser".
Find your peace bro and love yourself, do you talk to anybody off the internet about what is going on?
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
This streak started yesterday, July 27. Let's see where it takes me... I am depressed about all this shit. I've lost all the longer streaks so far...And they come few and far in between. I am the true definition of "serial relapser".

See where it takes me? No. You decide where it takes you, you're in control.

You haven't lost anything, unless you give up. That's not what you want, truly want. You want to beat this thing, be the man you're supposed to be.

All the longer streaks are accomplishments that helped to disrupt the patterned behavior you had before. It definitely went toward your overall success, those longer streaks. Keep it up!

You're not a serial relapser in my estimation... Before? In your formal journal? It seemed that way..., but now, in this journal, you've shown a true grit and determinatioin that is opposite of a 'serial relapser'. Your stumble (and that's all it is!) was for relying too much on will-power. This thing is about habit change, and it takes time. You have to be patient with yourself, love yourself, and keep fighting, even if you lapse.

Fall seven times, stand up eight. - Japanese proverb

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Recovery is hard. Regret is harder. - Brittany Burgunder
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
See where it takes me? No. You decide where it takes you, you're in control.

You haven't lost anything, unless you give up. That's not what you want, truly want. You want to beat this thing, be the man you're supposed to be.

All the longer streaks are accomplishments that helped to disrupt the patterned behavior you had before. It definitely went toward your overall success, those longer streaks. Keep it up!

You're not a serial relapser in my estimation... Before? In your formal journal? It seemed that way..., but now, in this journal, you've shown a true grit and determinatioin that is opposite of a 'serial relapser'. Your stumble (and that's all it is!) was for relying too much on will-power. This thing is about habit change, and it takes time. You have to be patient with yourself, love yourself, and keep fighting, even if you lapse.

Fall seven times, stand up eight. - Japanese proverb

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Recovery is hard. Regret is harder. - Brittany Burgunder
Okay, man. Let's see.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
I am the true definition of "serial relapser".
Except for a few unicorns here and there who upon learning about the dangers of P quit cold turkey and never looked back. I'd say it is safe to say most of us are serial relapsers for a while. Spiral in single digits, then we spiral in double digits then briefly in triple digits and then we exit this game like @imsorrynotsorry. I had been a serial relapser for 6 years. I've first came across YBOP in Summer of 2014. This is when I decided to go on this journey. Now only since last September 2020 double digits are easy to do for me. Did triple digits one time. Now finding double digits easy. 29th day today. This is earned. There is no way to cheat with this addiction. Spending some time doing self-psychology and also seeing someone once a week. There were days that the only thing I was looking forward in the week was a new episode of the Mandalorian. It get's better. The best part of this game is that we get as many tries as we need. We get to try and try again until we do something different and figure it out. You'll figure it out bro. Don't be too hard on yourself. Soften your being. Let go of expectations when you want this done. Relax. Trust in yourself.

Wish you well and much love
EW
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Except for a few unicorns here and there who upon learning about the dangers of P quit cold turkey and never looked back. I'd say it is safe to say most of us are serial relapsers for a while. Spiral in single digits, then we spiral in double digits then briefly in triple digits and then we exit this game like @imsorrynotsorry. I had been a serial relapser for 6 years. I've first came across YBOP in Summer of 2014. This is when I decided to go on this journey. Now only since last September 2020 double digits are easy to do for me. Did triple digits one time. Now finding double digits easy. 29th day today. This is earned. There is no way to cheat with this addiction. Spending some time doing self-psychology and also seeing someone once a week. There were days that the only thing I was looking forward in the week was a new episode of the Mandalorian. It get's better. The best part of this game is that we get as many tries as we need. We get to try and try again until we do something different and figure it out. You'll figure it out bro. Don't be too hard on yourself. Soften your being. Let go of expectations when you want this done. Relax. Trust in yourself.

Wish you well and much love
EW
Okay, yes, you said this well.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
June 29

I'm not embracing the junkie life and I'm not quitting this for good either. I'm stuck in a limbo. I'm stuck in a limbo where I'm waiting to see whether one day I will be done with this or not. I'm dealing with this as if I'm using a coin, crossing my finger for it to somehow land on the side I want. I am not taking the absolute necessary steps. I am not being completely serious about this. After I said: "No more mistakes", I disrespected its meaning.

I don't actually want to quit porn. That's right, I don't. I just want to make it work. I'm trying hard to keep porn in my life and, at the same time, not feel miserable. And I'm absolutely failing because that is not possible. It's not possible to be a porn junkie and not feel like I'm feeling right now.

It's necessary just one wrong step and my fragile mind moves easily from feeling great to feeling defeated and depressed. That easily I switch. Or maybe I bet all my well-being on a streak? If the streak is not long, ongoing, I am a sad show? All this goes deeper. My addictions are a result of never knowing what to do with the hard side of my life. When I was 7, the first thing my brain chose was self-medication. I've been a slave to self-medication and comfort zones since. And deep inside... Or maybe not so deep inside, I'm still that kid who doesn't know what to do, just lock myself in my comfort zone and suffer in silence. Only that, recently, something happened that has turned my "world" upside down: A conflict started inside of me between where I want to be and where I actually am. I couldn't anymore just accept that I was a loser. But because I lack the tools to get where I want to be, I suffer the misery of what I see in the mirror every day. My age was the trigger. I'm almost 31 and going nowhere.
 

Biz

Member
June 29

I'm not embracing the junkie life and I'm not quitting this for good either. I'm stuck in a limbo. I'm stuck in a limbo where I'm waiting to see whether one day I will be done with this or not. I'm dealing with this as if I'm using a coin, crossing my finger for it to somehow land on the side I want. I am not taking the absolute necessary steps. I am not being completely serious about this. After I said: "No more mistakes", I disrespected its meaning.

I don't actually want to quit porn. That's right, I don't. I just want to make it work. I'm trying hard to keep porn in my life and, at the same time, not feel miserable. And I'm absolutely failing because that is not possible. It's not possible to be a porn junkie and not feel like I'm feeling right now.

It's necessary just one wrong step and my fragile mind moves easily from feeling great to feeling defeated and depressed. That easily I switch. Or maybe I bet all my well-being on a streak? If the streak is not long, ongoing, I am a sad show? All this goes deeper. My addictions are a result of never knowing what to do with the hard side of my life. When I was 7, the first thing my brain chose was self-medication. I've been a slave to self-medication and comfort zones since. And deep inside... Or maybe not so deep inside, I'm still that kid who doesn't know what to do, just lock myself in my comfort zone and suffer in silence. Only that, recently, something happened that has turned my "world" upside down: A conflict started inside of me between where I want to be and where I actually am. I couldn't anymore just accept that I was a loser. But because I lack the tools to get where I want to be, I suffer the misery of what I see in the mirror every day. My age was the trigger. I'm almost 31 and going nowhere.
Im 30 too, don't be hard on yourself, but you do need to make a conscious decision, and it seems you made it by being here, put both feet in. Hold on to that feeling of who you want to be, i think all of us dont want to quit porn per se, however we want to be the best incarnation of ourselves. So we struggle and persevere.
 

Wolfman

Active Member
June 29

I'm not embracing the junkie life and I'm not quitting this for good either. I'm stuck in a limbo. I'm stuck in a limbo where I'm waiting to see whether one day I will be done with this or not. I'm dealing with this as if I'm using a coin, crossing my finger for it to somehow land on the side I want. I am not taking the absolute necessary steps. I am not being completely serious about this. After I said: "No more mistakes", I disrespected its meaning.

I don't actually want to quit porn. That's right, I don't. I just want to make it work. I'm trying hard to keep porn in my life and, at the same time, not feel miserable. And I'm absolutely failing because that is not possible. It's not possible to be a porn junkie and not feel like I'm feeling right now.

It's necessary just one wrong step and my fragile mind moves easily from feeling great to feeling defeated and depressed. That easily I switch. Or maybe I bet all my well-being on a streak? If the streak is not long, ongoing, I am a sad show? All this goes deeper. My addictions are a result of never knowing what to do with the hard side of my life. When I was 7, the first thing my brain chose was self-medication. I've been a slave to self-medication and comfort zones since. And deep inside... Or maybe not so deep inside, I'm still that kid who doesn't know what to do, just lock myself in my comfort zone and suffer in silence. Only that, recently, something happened that has turned my "world" upside down: A conflict started inside of me between where I want to be and where I actually am. I couldn't anymore just accept that I was a loser. But because I lack the tools to get where I want to be, I suffer the misery of what I see in the mirror every day. My age was the trigger. I'm almost 31 and going nowhere.
Try this (and I say this as a mental experiment, nothing more): think of how bad things can get. Really. The worst scenario possible. Is it as bad as you imagined it? Or is it rather just boring and petty? You know this because you're already beyond it and what's holding you back is the part of you that just lags behind. The "system update" of our minds takes a long time to fully complete--persevere and you'll discover you get there before you know it.

You do want to quit porn, because if you truly didn't you wouldn't be writing that on this journal. That's a fact because you've made it so; you had that power and you still do. This is the testament to your conscious being, the being that is the whole of you, not just the parasitic parts of porn that prompt various suggestions and desires to you. Most of your mental life and all of who you are is geared towards getting PMO free; hold on to those parts of your being that want that.

And you do want to quit porn because you want true life, not the life of shadows, of screens and fake bullshit. I think quitting porn is a part of sexual self-mastery, but sexual self-mastery is in turn a part of self-mastery overall. It may help to switch your focus to other things, developing new skills, knowledge, start a business, new job, new hobby, whatever, and not focus too hard on streaks, flatlines, etc. Give those things the time they need to rest, while you work the other parts of you that are healthy and ready for action.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Try this (and I say this as a mental experiment, nothing more): think of how bad things can get. Really. The worst scenario possible. Is it as bad as you imagined it? Or is it rather just boring and petty? You know this because you're already beyond it and what's holding you back is the part of you that just lags behind. The "system update" of our minds takes a long time to fully complete--persevere and you'll discover you get there before you know it.

You do want to quit porn, because if you truly didn't you wouldn't be writing that on this journal. That's a fact because you've made it so; you had that power and you still do. This is the testament to your conscious being, the being that is the whole of you, not just the parasitic parts of porn that prompt various suggestions and desires to you. Most of your mental life and all of who you are is geared towards getting PMO free; hold on to those parts of your being that want that.

And you do want to quit porn because you want true life, not the life of shadows, of screens and fake bullshit. I think quitting porn is a part of sexual self-mastery, but sexual self-mastery is in turn a part of self-mastery overall. It may help to switch your focus to other things, developing new skills, knowledge, start a business, new job, new hobby, whatever, and not focus too hard on streaks, flatlines, etc. Give those things the time they need to rest, while you work the other parts of you that are healthy and ready for action.
Thanks for advice.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Im 30 too, don't be hard on yourself, but you do need to make a conscious decision, and it seems you made it by being here, put both feet in. Hold on to that feeling of who you want to be, i think all of us dont want to quit porn per se, however we want to be the best incarnation of ourselves. So we struggle and persevere.
Thanks for advice.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 5

Okay, let's look at the plan:

- Mistakes management: I've made 5 mistakes (2 MO, 3 drinking sessions). I didn't follow the "No more mistakes" rule. This needs to change.
- Porn fantasies management: I was doing a pretty good job with this. I will continue the same.
- Urges management: Disaster. I need to re-think the whole idea here. I was fighting the urges, hating the urges, going crazy because of the urges and secretely wishing I could drown in porn. I will try the urges surfing thing that Phineas told me about it. I need to engage with them less because fighting with them head on is exhausting.
- The suck. All this rebooting will bring discomfort. I was actually okay with it, my biggest problems were the mistakes and the urges management.
- The autopilot: This is a complicated subject for me. It happens when I am tired and especially when I wake up after sleeping a little. I find myself fantasing about porn and entering a state where my body starts edging to flashbacks on "autopilot", hence the term. I usually catch myself doing this in a few minutes but it's a source of bother for me, it throws me off.

I don't know what else to say for now.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Good assessment, Escape. This is how we learn ourselves, learn our habits, so we can hack them.

Mindfulness deals directly with the autopilot issue, because it's the exact opposite of it. Autopilot = mindlessness, which is when we fall back into 'habit-land' whatever that looks like for us.

Catching yourself is awesome, because you're then able to 'ground' yourself, however you do it. Deep breathing works for me... But just don't judge yourself about it, that what may be 'throwing you off'.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Good assessment, Escape. This is how we learn ourselves, learn our habits, so we can hack them.

Mindfulness deals directly with the autopilot issue, because it's the exact opposite of it. Autopilot = mindlessness, which is when we fall back into 'habit-land' whatever that looks like for us.

Catching yourself is awesome, because you're then able to 'ground' yourself, however you do it. Deep breathing works for me... But just don't judge yourself about it, that what may be 'throwing you off'.
Hey, man, thanks for support.

I guess it's because of my obsessive mind. I always want the recovery to be "perfect". In my head, edging for 5 minutes to porn flashbacks after I wake up, before I catch myself, ruins the "perfect", you know what I mean? That's where the "throw me off" comes from. It definitely bothers me for a while or something.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
I see. That makes sense. Using my mini-goals, I count it chunk by chunk, say- sometimes I have to report that, yes I hit my mini-goal but with episodes of edging or p-subs. But I rather prefer to report, I had no episodes of p-subs or edging.

We can allow the 'feel' of our recovery effort, or our streak to feel compromised with black-and-white thinking. But if our overall goals are still in place, and we haven't crossed the line of P, PMO or MO, and we stopped in the middle of p-subs or edging, I count that as a win.

We strive to have a perfect streak, but we understand ourselves that it won't always be perfect. And we have to have an uncompromising red-line behaviors that would be a reset, but at the same time count as a victory or win if we were acting out to p-subs or edging, but stopped.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I see. That makes sense. Using my mini-goals, I count it chunk by chunk, say- sometimes I have to report that, yes I hit my mini-goal but with episodes of edging or p-subs. But I rather prefer to report, I had no episodes of p-subs or edging.

We can allow the 'feel' of our recovery effort, or our streak to feel compromised with black-and-white thinking. But if our overall goals are still in place, and we haven't crossed the line of P, PMO or MO, and we stopped in the middle of p-subs or edging, I count that as a win.

We strive to have a perfect streak, but we understand ourselves that it won't always be perfect. And we have to have an uncompromising red-line behaviors that would be a reset, but at the same time count as a victory or win if we were acting out to p-subs or edging, but stopped.
Definitely. Some time ago, I wouldn't have stopped at all.
 

Wolfman

Active Member
We're with you man, we've been there, all too much. Reflect and learn, then make adjustments, but above all, be kind to yourself, Escape. This is likely one of the hardest things a man can do.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I don't know what to say anymore. I'm exhausted mentally. I am not motivated anymore to do this. I know the benefits but all I do is jerk off. Longer streaks are so rare and they have been accomplished only by resisting to the maximum, until I eventually was to burned out to continue. The desire for the dopamine pleasure is too strong. I don't know, I come around and post but... I'm going nowhere. I miss the times when I didn't think this much. Things in my life were difficult back then too (bullying and poverty) but I didn't feel them that strongly because I had the ability to live less in the past and the future. Then porn hit hard, alcohol hit hard and my brain turned into this thing destroyed by overthinking, anxiety and depression. I've been always wondering whether all this is a result of my addictions or I was meant to be this way even without them, though there is this instinct in me that tells me things wouldn't be so serious without porn and alcohol, especially porn. I don't know what it's going to be, but I don't feel strong enough and motivated anymore to complete this.

Correction for my last comment: It's Relapse x 5.

I remember this verse in one of Marilyn Manson's songs: "There's a hole in our soul that we fill with dope and we're feeling fine." Sometimes I remember that 10 years ago I binged 7 PMOs every day so I could feel numb, sedated as if I was on heroin.
 
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