I need to up my game.

Phineas 808

Respected Member
I see. That makes sense. Using my mini-goals, I count it chunk by chunk, say- sometimes I have to report that, yes I hit my mini-goal but with episodes of edging or p-subs. But I rather prefer to report, I had no episodes of p-subs or edging.

We can allow the 'feel' of our recovery effort, or our streak to feel compromised with black-and-white thinking. But if our overall goals are still in place, and we haven't crossed the line of P, PMO or MO, and we stopped in the middle of p-subs or edging, I count that as a win.

We strive to have a perfect streak, but we understand ourselves that it won't always be perfect. And we have to have an uncompromising red-line behaviors that would be a reset, but at the same time count as a victory or win if we were acting out to p-subs or edging, but stopped.
 
I see. That makes sense. Using my mini-goals, I count it chunk by chunk, say- sometimes I have to report that, yes I hit my mini-goal but with episodes of edging or p-subs. But I rather prefer to report, I had no episodes of p-subs or edging.

We can allow the 'feel' of our recovery effort, or our streak to feel compromised with black-and-white thinking. But if our overall goals are still in place, and we haven't crossed the line of P, PMO or MO, and we stopped in the middle of p-subs or edging, I count that as a win.

We strive to have a perfect streak, but we understand ourselves that it won't always be perfect. And we have to have an uncompromising red-line behaviors that would be a reset, but at the same time count as a victory or win if we were acting out to p-subs or edging, but stopped.
Definitely. Some time ago, I wouldn't have stopped at all.
 

Wolfman

Active Member
We're with you man, we've been there, all too much. Reflect and learn, then make adjustments, but above all, be kind to yourself, Escape. This is likely one of the hardest things a man can do.
 
I don't know what to say anymore. I'm exhausted mentally. I am not motivated anymore to do this. I know the benefits but all I do is jerk off. Longer streaks are so rare and they have been accomplished only by resisting to the maximum, until I eventually was to burned out to continue. The desire for the dopamine pleasure is too strong. I don't know, I come around and post but... I'm going nowhere. I miss the times when I didn't think this much. Things in my life were difficult back then too (bullying and poverty) but I didn't feel them that strongly because I had the ability to live less in the past and the future. Then porn hit hard, alcohol hit hard and my brain turned into this thing destroyed by overthinking, anxiety and depression. I've been always wondering whether all this is a result of my addictions or I was meant to be this way even without them, though there is this instinct in me that tells me things wouldn't be so serious without porn and alcohol, especially porn. I don't know what it's going to be, but I don't feel strong enough and motivated anymore to complete this.

Correction for my last comment: It's Relapse x 5.

I remember this verse in one of Marilyn Manson's songs: "There's a hole in our soul that we fill with dope and we're feeling fine." Sometimes I remember that 10 years ago I binged 7 PMOs every day so I could feel numb, sedated as if I was on heroin.
 

zackergeet

Active Member
Escape perhaps you should look for medical help, perhaps you have greater anxiety that required medical help(which is not bad at all but it needs to be diagnosed). Hope you find your way and feel better. The only one that knows what can help you and your recovery depend on you, on what you do, and where you seek help. much love!
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
I'm sorry, Escape. All I know is that you have it within you to quit. Is it hard? Yes. But you know what? You're actually healthy, and doing what healthy people do. Let me explain.

There is a place of normalcy, a sweet spot of peace and happiness, or at least a place where things feel calm. Whenever we have stress, emotional turmoil, some unmet needs (emotional or physical), we try to do a little extra to get back to that baseline calmness. This is everyone. The difference with us is that we chose some unhealthy habbits to try and get back.

So, we're healthy people that chose unhealthy coping methods. That's all. These things became habits, and now we have to break the habits. But the more you get up and try again, the better, because that disrupts the unwanted patterns. To your Marilyn Manson song, there are healthy alternatives to fill that emptiness inside...

You can do this, and we're here for you. Never give up, brother!
 
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AJM

Active Member
Hey brother,
I can understand what you have been through and how difficult it can be.
But you have quite some long streaks also.
Do you think reflecting on positives and negatives of how you were in these streaks VS what you are today would help you know what you really want ??
Also reflect back on previous relapses and your reactions to them in past and see if there is some similarities in the way you deal with them each time.
Praying the best for you !!!!
 

Biz

Member
I'm sorry, Escape. All I know is that you have it within you to quit. Is it hard? Yes. But you know what? You're actually healthy, and doing what healthy people do. Let me explain.

There is a place of normalcy, a sweet spot of peace and happiness, or at least a place where things feel calm. Whenever we have stress, emotional turmoil, some unmet needs (emotional or physical), we try to do a little extra to get back to that baseline calmness. This is everyone. The difference with us is that we chose some unhealthy habbits to try and get back.

So, we're healthy people that chose unhealthy coping methods. That's all. These things became habits, and now we have to break the habits. But the more you get up and try again, the better, because that disrupts the unwanted patterns. To your Marilyn Manson song, there are healthy alternatives to fill that emptiness inside...

You can do this, and we're here for you. Never give up, brother!
Wise words brother
 
Day 1

I can't believe where I've allowed myself to go. Yesterday I read my last 3 posts:

"Relapse. Binge all fuckin day."
"Relapse x 3. It's a disaster. I can't stop jerking off."
"Relapse x 2."

What the fuck is this? I started this new journal and made it to 50 days. I thought I had it this time. I was optimistic. Then I crashed hard and I ended up back to depression. The post before my last 3 posts is a longer letter where I basically wanted to give up. This fuckin addiction almost made me suicidal again. Like 10 years ago where I was addicted to drama, I'd given up on my life and lived waiting to die soon. I seriously cannot continue living like this. I have two options: One is stay an addict all my life and be basically "dead", because I can't be alive with what this shit does to my brain. The other one is the salvation which I feel it's more achievable than ever but keeps escaping through my fingers.

In a post I looked at my plan. I don't think it's bad: Mistakes management, fantasies management, urges and "the suck" management. But what happens is that a few things keep sabotaging me:
1) Alcohol. I'm an alcoholic, I've been trying to quit porn and alcohol at the same time but double set of withdrawal keep fucking me up. It's hard to do it like this, at least for me. Not only I have to be careful about porn, I have to be about alcohol too.
2) Bad urges management. I've had a hard time figuring out the best way to deal with urges. Going through them like Rambo might do it for the freaks but I end up beaten and done eventually.
3) My fuckin work schedule with night shifts. Being tired has always made me struggle to stay porn free.

I don't know what else to say. I feel that I could do it but... It's always a "but" with this shit. I guess losing 50 days was a big blow. I haven't recovered. What followed was binges and depression. This month everybody is on vacation and I have to work extra to make up for lack of personnel... And I'm exhausted mentally and depressed. I get rounds of depression at work. I have no motivation and drive. I have to work more nights than usual this month. All this fuckin binging came at the worse fuckin moment. I handed my life to "comfort", thinking this is how I could escape the problems but the more I stayed comfortable, the more miserable I got. There is no growth in comfort. And porn is the ultimate comfort zone. Those few seconds of relaxation after I finish make me feel like this is how I want to feel for the rest of my life, and then the feeling is gone. And like this, for those few fuckin seconds, I'm throwing my life away. And I'm throwing my life away for the euphoric edging and I'm throwing my life away for the numb feeling I get after a binge, where I don't feel anything. Slow suicide is no way to go, like Layne Staley used to sing, a genuine junkie which I've become too (with porn). Will I die a porn junkie? is the question.
 
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Phineas 808

Respected Member
Hi, Escape.

It is hard to continue- or begin again- after lapsing from a lengthy streak. But make it clear to yourself: you did not 'lose' 50 days! They are forever etched in history as 50 days of success and sobriety. That helped you then, and it helps you now, if you let it. Build on it, don't let it be for nothing.

An example: If I lasped 2x in 100 days, yeah, that sux, but I encourage myself that in the last 100 days I only lapsed 2x! In that regard, binging is never the answer, but even if that's what what's been going on, you can regain each new day to try again, to get up, and keep swinging!

It must be difficult to stop 2 addictions at once, but the same answer applies to both, expect urges- when they come, observe them mindfully, nonjudgmentally, and breathe deep until the urges pass- rinse, and repeat. It takes some practice, but this beats trying to white-knuckle through the urges.

The tiredness and work schedule are challenges, but they also give you opportunities to try different habit-changes to hack into these addictions, and to mindfully navigate the urges.

Have a plan for laspes (yes, even for lapses)! How are you going to treat yourself? Anger's understandable, but compassion should win everytime. Plan to get up, no matter what, to keep trying, to never give up.

Don't see this as so black-and-white. You will struggle, you will likely fail again, but you're making progress! Who would've thought (from your original journal) that 50 days was possible? Same here. Before you know it, you'll do 100 days and beyond. Make each lengthier streak your next challenge if you lapse. Now, your goal is to beat 50 days! If that seems unattainable, try 10, add to it another 10, 5x until you surpass 50 days.

Try different things, always switch it up, avoid ruts- or routines. You got this thing, Escape! Make PMO your bitch!
 
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Hi, Escape.

It is hard to continue- or begin again- after lapsing from a lengthy streak. But make it clear to yourself: you did not 'lose' 50 days! They are forever etched in history as 50 days of success and sobriety. That helped you then, and it helps you now, if you let it. Build on it, don't let it be for nothing.

An example: If I lasped 2x in 100 days, yeah, that sux, but I encourage myself that in the last 98 days I only lapsed 2x! In that regard, binging is never the answer, but even if that's what what's been going on, you can regain each new day to try again, to get up, and keep swinging!

It must be difficult to stop 2 addictions at once, but the same answer applies to both, expect urges- when they come, observe them mindfully, nonjudgmentally, and breathe deep until the urges pass- rinse, and repeat. It takes some practice, but this beats trying to white-knuckle through the urges.

The tiredness and work schedule are challenges, but they also give you opportunities to try different habit-changes to hack into these addictions, and to mindfully navigate the urges.

Have a plan for laspes (yes, even for lapses)! How are you going to treat yourself? Anger's understandable, but compassion should win everytime. Plan to get up, no matter what, to keep trying, to never give up.

Don't see this as so black-and-white. You will struggle, you will likely fail again, but you're making progress! Who would've thought (from your original journal) that 50 days was possible? Same here. Before you know it, you'll do 100 days and beyond. Make each lengthier streak your next challenge if you lapse. Now, your goal is to beat 50 days! If that seems unattainable, try 10, add to it another 10, 5x until you surpass 50 days.

Try different things, always switch it up, avoid ruts- or routines. You got this thing, Escape! Make PMO your bitch!
Okay, man. I understand what you are saying. It's just that... I'm tired of not getting that last streak to salvation. This addiction has taken too much from me. Since I was 13... 17 years, bro. I am tired of returning back to the same old.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Okay, man. I understand what you are saying. It's just that... I'm tired of not getting that last streak to salvation. This addiction has taken too much from me. Since I was 13... 17 years, bro. I am tired of returning back to the same old.

We all want our current streak to be 'the one'- I certainly did when I hit 139 days by last March. But where my head was at, I knew I was all but likely to lapse, and when I did, I wasn't all too surprised. Been here too many times... And it was hard to find traction again, but I kept trying. I'm barely now ready to complete my latest abstinence challenge at the end of the month. And still, it's easy to drift back into old habits.

The kind of vigilance this thing requires is incredible- but it has to be toward the right approach, or else it's draining if all we're relying on is sheer will-power. If we don't want to return back to the same old, then we'll keep doing something new, something different.

I know you've heard this: that a definition of insanity is to keep doing the same old things, and expect different results. This thing demands that you take a fresh look at your methods, change it up, make it exciting, even fun for yourself. This thing breeds in negativity, so- and it might not be your personality-type, but it's time to get 'crazy positive', that's what it's going to take to beat this thing!
 
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