I remember when I had my first longer period without PMO. I had joined reddit nofap but the discussion there was not about porn addiction. People either didn't know about it or... I don't know. But they talked about quitting masturbation and watching porn (without calling it an addiction) and I said, "Of course I'm up! I hate masturbation and watching porn." At that time I thought I was addicted to masturbation, I thought what people called "masturbation" meant jerking off watching porn. To me, porn was just what I used to masturbate but I hated to watch it because I was a joke to girls, I had high social anxiety and I was sick and tired of being single and a failure with them. That's why I started hating watching porn, because it reminded me that I didn't get any. Porn had made me obsessed with sex and girls as sexual objects that I was supposed to use and throw away. Unfortunately, this is what porn does to your brain, without even knowing.
I joined reddit nofap and I saw that they had that counter. I didn't want to reset it to 0 because of my inferiority complex and asking for attention, I thought a higher counter would me make me stand out. Therefore, I pushed myself to the limit and I got 15 days without "masturbation" (of course PMO). That was the best experience I had ever had, man. Everything changed about me, anxiety was low, concentration was good, my brain functioned well and I could find words easily to express myself, my memory was sharp, I was working in real estate, I saw the address for an apartment for rent then I closed the page, boss came, asked me where the apartment was and I could tell him the whole address just like that. My memory used to be one of my qualities if not my no. 1 thing back in elementary school and then porn hit hard and I started struggling to memorize stuff. My memory became a joke and my ability to concentrate too. Maybe they go hand in hand. I had more energy and I was more positive and way less depressed for the first time in a few years. Just like that, for staying away from porn for only 15 days. Maybe because it was the first time in my life when I was away from porn for that long and it had a greater impact on me? I don't know. Around day 19 I relapsed, I binged and I returned back to feeling miserable, depressed, suicidal and lonely. Since then I've had a few longer streaks, few and far in between unfortunately, but they have shown me what's to the other side, actually that was just a sneak peek, being completely done with porn is more than that. Yesterday I found myself thinking, "Man, do you want to go back to that or not? You are still young, in your 30s, you can start feeling great. Be grateful for being 30 and having this opportunity to get mad and quit porn, you still have time, don't wait until your life is over and you realize you've been mediocre all your life, because of lack of motivation. But if you don't do it, time flies."
Yesterday I read some posts, some "before and after" type of posts, people saying how they used to be and how they are now after staying away from porn for a significant period of time, some guys had 1 year. It reminded me that I too felt great when I stood away from porn. But, in the chase for comfort, I forgot that. My mind wanted to stay comfortable, it doesn't want to put up the work, go through the necessary suffering and escape. It wants that "blanket", the self-medication, the "let's do it tomorrow." My mind is not my ally, it wants to take me down, it's always been like this, obeying my mind has led me to failure. Chester Bennington pointed at his head in an interview and said there was another Chester in there that wanted to take him down. I reacted right away to that. I said, "Yes, Chester, you hit the nail in the head, that's me!" I need to separate myself from my mind. Rest in peace to Chester.
I don't have time to waste anymore. I am not alright with the fact that I'm 30 and mediocre, battling porn addiction and alcoholism but let's look at the positives here: I'm only 30. I have time to fix my life. But time flies. Even if you are old, that period of time left until you die is best lived without being a slave.