I know, man, I know what you're talking about. You've mentioned therapy. I've been thinking before writing this that maybe this is what I need, someone to look at me from a different perspective and show me the things that I don't see. I've taken into consideration going to therapy for about a second on a few different moments of my life because of ego, "man don't bitch, we're fixing the things ourselves," the whole thing, you know? And I used to say: "I'll do it by myself." But the things is, it kept going on and on and then I hit 30 years old and then something happened. I said: "Shit, man, I'm a loser at 30, I am not where I am supposed to be, I am completely mediocre, I have no friends, no girlfriend, I'm not pursuing anything from what I want to do and my dad helped me with my job." I have no real achievement until 30 years old. Or I don't know, maybe I'm overthinking this? Is this some sort of inferiority complex? Will people looking from outside agree I'm a loser for having this lifestyle? Is this too much overthinking or some truth in all this? That's the thing, I'm a lot confused and lost. Even joining a place like Reboot Nation to write such things was very difficult for me, and I'm anonymous here.
I've been following Russell Brand recently, for those who know who he is. He is 20 years sober and clean, or something like that. I related to him a lot while listening to him because I had to double check to make sure it wasn't me saying those things: Self-medication since I was a kid, this being the only thing that I know how to do, to fix my inner life with external things (this is something he said), he went to AA and, you know, some people don't like AA because they say it's a cult and/or there is too much talk about God in the 12 steps. I don't know about the former but the latter is fair point for some people because some people don't believe in God or at mad at Him, like I used to be, so I didn't want to hear anything about God 10 years ago, you couldn't have made me join AA. But Russell tried to reinvent the 12 steps, to make less about God and more about the actual changes that they could make, because as he puts it, it sounds like a good beginning at least. He says, the first 3 steps are: Recognize you have a problem, know that things could get better and seek and accept help. Paraphrasing, of course. And I think I am stuck at the first one only. I realized listening to him that I don't believe things could get better for me, I don't believe my life could get better and I don't look for help and I don't accept help (talking about the therapy you mention). I think I've been too arrogant, or too scared, or both, to admit that I can't do it by myself alone, I'm not that type. I know I need help. Self-medication is how I know how to live my life since I was a kid, addicted to porn, alcohol and Internet/little bit of offline gaming. My life is a mess and I think I'm obsessed with the fact that I'm 31. Had I been 20, I would've probably said: "There is time" or "Maybe this is normal, I'm only 20, figuring life out," but once I hit 30: "Oh...My...God..."