Lacrymossa
New Member
X
Last edited:
New here please help me!
- Thread starter Lacrymossa
- Start date
Hi Lacrymossa,
i am not being an expert at this. I was the addict, not the partner, that suffered through this. I hope, that someone with more experience can give you more certain advice.
But based on what i am hearing from you, i think it is no exaggeration to search the conversation with him, if you feel like somethings off. Its something, that should be cleared up, even if in the end you would find out, that your suspicions were unnecessary.
Maybe it would help to tell him, that your ex boyfriend was an P addict and when you inform and educate him on what P can really do. It sounds to me like, he doesnt know about this very well and if so, of course he would see no problem in using it, since he thinks, that its not harmful.
Bu i think, its definitely something that should be talked about. I think in the end it can only help the situation.
Either you find out, that he wasnt using P, then you two at least talked about your previous bad experiences with your ex and thats something he should know about. Also he then knows generally about the harm P can have on people and relationsships.
If he does use, then its equally important for him to now about your past and that P can be harmful, especially if he already might get sexual problems because of it.
Those are my thoughts on your situation.
I hope, you two can resolve this. Good luck!
i am not being an expert at this. I was the addict, not the partner, that suffered through this. I hope, that someone with more experience can give you more certain advice.
But based on what i am hearing from you, i think it is no exaggeration to search the conversation with him, if you feel like somethings off. Its something, that should be cleared up, even if in the end you would find out, that your suspicions were unnecessary.
Maybe it would help to tell him, that your ex boyfriend was an P addict and when you inform and educate him on what P can really do. It sounds to me like, he doesnt know about this very well and if so, of course he would see no problem in using it, since he thinks, that its not harmful.
Bu i think, its definitely something that should be talked about. I think in the end it can only help the situation.
Either you find out, that he wasnt using P, then you two at least talked about your previous bad experiences with your ex and thats something he should know about. Also he then knows generally about the harm P can have on people and relationsships.
If he does use, then its equally important for him to now about your past and that P can be harmful, especially if he already might get sexual problems because of it.
Those are my thoughts on your situation.
I hope, you two can resolve this. Good luck!
Hi there, I'm on the "porn addict person" part of the problem, not in a relationship tho. To give you my perspective on some of what u wrote.
From reading the rest, what I see (which may not be accurate, just my interpretation) is that you have proofs that there is "something different" from when he was "off porn", that's a real thing but I wouldn't go see him like "hey i got these proofs, u're lying". The reason why most people lie about things is consequences. And their partner falls into the trap of "confronting their partner so they can't lie anymore, time to face the consequences". What matters is the way u communicate things.
This is how I would do it :
1 - Asking him if he's comfortable with you sharing your feelings about something that important to you with him and telling him that he doesn't have to even take part in the conversation for the moment.
2 - Saying how you feel these days about your relationship/sextime (I wouldn't talk about the morningwood/spermcount which makes you look like you kind of stalk him to catch his lie, blabla) :
3 - Talking about what you observed, the position he could stay hard, ejaculate in every position, etc.. when he was off of porn, which was not the case before and then after a while. But you don't want to confront him to these facts, at that point you want to ask him what he thinks about this last point, if in his viewpoint he's hard and all. If he says "yes that's true, i'm not 100% hard" that's a victory coz he's accepting to be in phase with the reality. If he says "no" he is still in denial but that's not a problem, that's a seed u plant in his mind which will prolly come up during sex if he's half-erected or one of the problem u mentionned above and he will have to face it at one point or another by himself.
4 - Talking about how what u just talked about is emotionally hard for you, how it's affecting your side of the relationship and thus the relationship itself as a consequence. I would also add something like : "I don't know if you need time to process this, now you know my side of this problem, I can either leave you with your thoughts on this for the time you need or I can be there with you to support you, and help you try to navigate through your side of the problem / to give you my perspective on your thought process if u decide to share it with me.
At that point, u talked to him about 1) ur feelings 2) what u think u observed 3) How this whole situation is a problem for you emotionally (u did a great job at explaining it here, it shouldn't be a problem) and how you can be supportive/let him some air and time to see what are his responsabilities in this problem.
It may seems a lot, but that's what communication looks like to me, taking your situation in perspective. And that order is essential in my opinion to help someone realize something he's lying about / something he's denying.
It also works in the situation where he thinks (like I used to btw) : "it's not that big of a deal and the outcome from the porn is greater than the problems it causes in my relationship, so let's just deny it and keep it that way"
This thinking comes from the fact that he simply does not understand the full problem, he does not see how it hurts you AND himself. It could just be it, like it was for me, it could be that he just doesn't see the whole picture, all the pros and all the cons.
Don't hesitate to keep us in check with the situation, I'll try to look up for ur updates.
PS : Way after these stages of helping him realize and all that stuff, at the point where he accepts the problem and is curious about it/try to find clues, u could introduce him to rebootnation/yourbrainonporn. That way he would see how large the problem is for the population, how he's not just a weirdo, aswell as finding very interesting informations about how it could affect his life in aspects he wouldn't have expected.
Well that's what happens, in general, when someone point out to you something you're trying to hide and u feel shame about. It's also a feeling you have when someone talk to you about something you consider kind of taboo. In a relationship situation I can see where a taboo is uncomfortable -> The first time u talk about it. But in a couple, yes, firsts conversations about some things may be complicated but u navigate through those waters together and understand the other is not here to shame you about what you think but to support you or just have a different opinion on the subject and that's it, no harm at all. Some people never experienced the "support" part before and falls into the "he/she just gonna judge me".
From reading the rest, what I see (which may not be accurate, just my interpretation) is that you have proofs that there is "something different" from when he was "off porn", that's a real thing but I wouldn't go see him like "hey i got these proofs, u're lying". The reason why most people lie about things is consequences. And their partner falls into the trap of "confronting their partner so they can't lie anymore, time to face the consequences". What matters is the way u communicate things.
This is how I would do it :
1 - Asking him if he's comfortable with you sharing your feelings about something that important to you with him and telling him that he doesn't have to even take part in the conversation for the moment.
2 - Saying how you feel these days about your relationship/sextime (I wouldn't talk about the morningwood/spermcount which makes you look like you kind of stalk him to catch his lie, blabla) :
Add whatever comes to your mind that you didn't mention and that's on the emotional side of things.
3 - Talking about what you observed, the position he could stay hard, ejaculate in every position, etc.. when he was off of porn, which was not the case before and then after a while. But you don't want to confront him to these facts, at that point you want to ask him what he thinks about this last point, if in his viewpoint he's hard and all. If he says "yes that's true, i'm not 100% hard" that's a victory coz he's accepting to be in phase with the reality. If he says "no" he is still in denial but that's not a problem, that's a seed u plant in his mind which will prolly come up during sex if he's half-erected or one of the problem u mentionned above and he will have to face it at one point or another by himself.
4 - Talking about how what u just talked about is emotionally hard for you, how it's affecting your side of the relationship and thus the relationship itself as a consequence. I would also add something like : "I don't know if you need time to process this, now you know my side of this problem, I can either leave you with your thoughts on this for the time you need or I can be there with you to support you, and help you try to navigate through your side of the problem / to give you my perspective on your thought process if u decide to share it with me.
At that point, u talked to him about 1) ur feelings 2) what u think u observed 3) How this whole situation is a problem for you emotionally (u did a great job at explaining it here, it shouldn't be a problem) and how you can be supportive/let him some air and time to see what are his responsabilities in this problem.
It may seems a lot, but that's what communication looks like to me, taking your situation in perspective. And that order is essential in my opinion to help someone realize something he's lying about / something he's denying.
It also works in the situation where he thinks (like I used to btw) : "it's not that big of a deal and the outcome from the porn is greater than the problems it causes in my relationship, so let's just deny it and keep it that way"
This thinking comes from the fact that he simply does not understand the full problem, he does not see how it hurts you AND himself. It could just be it, like it was for me, it could be that he just doesn't see the whole picture, all the pros and all the cons.
Don't hesitate to keep us in check with the situation, I'll try to look up for ur updates.
PS : Way after these stages of helping him realize and all that stuff, at the point where he accepts the problem and is curious about it/try to find clues, u could introduce him to rebootnation/yourbrainonporn. That way he would see how large the problem is for the population, how he's not just a weirdo, aswell as finding very interesting informations about how it could affect his life in aspects he wouldn't have expected.
Yep, the letter is a great idea. Could use it as a support to talk about it all once he read it too. Wish u good luck, if he's an intelligent person and really cares about you, the hardest part will be the realisation and the understanding of the underlying problems this addiction cause in his life overall not only in the relationship
Hi there, hope u had great holidays.
So I read the whole thing and there is some things I'm definetly against. I'll give you how I feel about some parts, what I would have write and why. buy it or do not, as you feel.
First of all, before I talk about that letter, I wrote quiete a big response on the following link, that's for a different situation but there might be some things that rings some bells for you too : https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/20586/
Ok here we go.
So my overall problem with the theme of this letter is that I can feel that you don't want to lose him, at any cost. If I would summarise the whole thing, to me it says "hey I love you a lot lot lot, I really don't want to lose you. Here is my problem, here is how much this subject hurts me, but don't worry if you don't want to take responsibilities for it and don't want to talk about it, it's fine I'll keep doubting because of all the things that makes me feel like you watch some suggestive content but at least I won't lose you, I will be hurt but I won't be hurt and alone."
I understand, or I think I do (in a frame where u love him so much), where you are when u phrase this msg that way but IMO that's not the way to confront a man to his responsibilities, he has to have no choice but face it or lose it, otherwise why even bother ?? (I'm a man and god I know that feeling sadly, then I lost her coz at some point, then it took me a long time to understand how this whole thing works by myself and I finally grew up. Again what i wrote on the linked post is interesting on that part if I remember correctly)
Kind of same, if u're fine talking about that part with him. How do you exactly feel about that situation ? example : "I feel betrayed blablabla"
Good job with that part. But i'm sorry.. again more details xD. I would add some things like : "I completely understand that our perception on the subject is completely different, while for me it's a traumatic experience and I feel betrayed, I've read enough to understand that for a man it has nothing to do with the relationship, it's just a quick dopamine release that makes him feels good. He thinks it does just either helps you sleep or helps you feel less stressed, but the problems this cause are way deeper than that in fact." I add that coz it would have saved my previous relationship if my gf told me that. When she knew about porn, she didn't make it a big deal, she just said it would be cool if I could stop it coz she doesn't feel good about it. Only thing I thought was "well if such a little and insignificant thing is that big of a deal to you and not to me, I'm just gonna say I don't do it anymore while I still do and problem solved". If I only knew how deeper the problem was, I would have adress it instantly, first to get myself back to MYSELF, then to keep my relationship alive. Once again on the link i provided at the beginning of the post, At the very end I talk about some litterature that I would suggest u guys to read.
So I read the whole thing and there is some things I'm definetly against. I'll give you how I feel about some parts, what I would have write and why. buy it or do not, as you feel.
First of all, before I talk about that letter, I wrote quiete a big response on the following link, that's for a different situation but there might be some things that rings some bells for you too : https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/20586/
Ok here we go.
So my overall problem with the theme of this letter is that I can feel that you don't want to lose him, at any cost. If I would summarise the whole thing, to me it says "hey I love you a lot lot lot, I really don't want to lose you. Here is my problem, here is how much this subject hurts me, but don't worry if you don't want to take responsibilities for it and don't want to talk about it, it's fine I'll keep doubting because of all the things that makes me feel like you watch some suggestive content but at least I won't lose you, I will be hurt but I won't be hurt and alone."
I understand, or I think I do (in a frame where u love him so much), where you are when u phrase this msg that way but IMO that's not the way to confront a man to his responsibilities, he has to have no choice but face it or lose it, otherwise why even bother ?? (I'm a man and god I know that feeling sadly, then I lost her coz at some point, then it took me a long time to understand how this whole thing works by myself and I finally grew up. Again what i wrote on the linked post is interesting on that part if I remember correctly)
There, u make it like "don't worry no big deal" once (last time I say it but that's just presuppositions, if u feel it's framed right, so be it).Don't worry, it is nothing negative so just keep reading
Details, give him more details about how, think about it like u wanna tell a good story where listeners wants to know how the cheese tasted, smelled and look at that campfire in the story. This helps understand what u say in a 3D world instead of just reading lines.
Give some space between this point and the previous one, but same thing. More details. What u gave us in your early msg on this topic had way more details, why not add them.
Kind of same, if u're fine talking about that part with him. How do you exactly feel about that situation ? example : "I feel betrayed blablabla"
Good job with that part. But i'm sorry.. again more details xD. I would add some things like : "I completely understand that our perception on the subject is completely different, while for me it's a traumatic experience and I feel betrayed, I've read enough to understand that for a man it has nothing to do with the relationship, it's just a quick dopamine release that makes him feels good. He thinks it does just either helps you sleep or helps you feel less stressed, but the problems this cause are way deeper than that in fact." I add that coz it would have saved my previous relationship if my gf told me that. When she knew about porn, she didn't make it a big deal, she just said it would be cool if I could stop it coz she doesn't feel good about it. Only thing I thought was "well if such a little and insignificant thing is that big of a deal to you and not to me, I'm just gonna say I don't do it anymore while I still do and problem solved". If I only knew how deeper the problem was, I would have adress it instantly, first to get myself back to MYSELF, then to keep my relationship alive. Once again on the link i provided at the beginning of the post, At the very end I talk about some litterature that I would suggest u guys to read.
Could draw a parallele with other things like cigaret while stating that it's way worse tho, idk.
Emphasizing that porn is the problem, not mastubation even tho I would encourage him to try to abstain from this too for the periods u guys are together, it makes the world sooo different in terme of how you perceive your gf (even more than noporn) and sex is also on another lvl, but that's "optimisation", the real deal is on porn.
would have put that part right after the research part. To emphasis that u understand his perspective while having a different one.
I would provide the books references to him.
Well you better never say that imo, that's litteraly a "hey bro don't take responsibilities if what I'm stating is true, just don't mind it I'll get hurt in silence". U want to get him to understand how much this is an issue that needs to be adressed and you guys are 2 in this, either this is true or not (and he's on porn imo since you can tell the difference between ON and OFF), the issue you have with the consequence of what you think is related to porn HAVE to be adressed, whether this is due to it or not. If it's not, u guys need to figure out why, I quote you,
If that's not enough to need to be adressed, Idk what is. I mean as u said in ur msg to him, u can just make a trade with him where u feel unloved in some ways but at least he stays with you. But let me tell you that, long term, u gonna not want to live anymore, or u'll regret to not have take action before. U might know all this, I'm just stating that as a "wake up call" in case it was needed^^.
Also, the problem u shared on that quote is exactly those that I had with my gf while watching porn. Especially the not possible to cum in certain position (and exactly the one u say lol, if the girl is on top, impossible) and very long and strong sex (need a lot of stimulation).
I would reframe that in and say "It's not about you or me, it's about us, blabla".
"It's not about you" takes off responsibilities from him again.
Finally, to the end part, I'd just add something like : "A couple is something you have to work on together and both parts needs to put energy and time in it, it doesn't sustain by itself. And it's never equal investment, sometimes I'll have to support you more than me and sometimes it will be the way around. If what I feel like is a thing, I want to be there to support you with that problem but I also need you to be there for me emotionaly." I'm not so sure about the end of it but u got the idea.
Here you go, don't feel bad to say it if nothing of that above is good thiking if u feel like that's the case, it's fine aha.
Wish you good luck and again, whenever u'll have to talk about that to him, it's not you that has a problem, that the synergy of u both that has something which needs to be adressed. Don't put yourself as a victim and the one "who has a problem",
Yes that's good I think, u should re-read it coz there is a bunch of syntax problems/errors.
if u're not going to re-read it at least change that x), the missing "not" could lead to missunderstanding x)
Also, that's just me but i would have add problems like "excessive stress/anxiety, excessive tiredeness for no apparent reason, social disconnection"
on the part where u talk about problems long term porn consumption does.
Anyway hopefully this will ring some bells, I wish you a big good luck on that one, from what I can see you are a caring partner and I hope he is at your lvl.
if u're not going to re-read it at least change that x), the missing "not" could lead to missunderstanding x)
Also, that's just me but i would have add problems like "excessive stress/anxiety, excessive tiredeness for no apparent reason, social disconnection"
on the part where u talk about problems long term porn consumption does.
Anyway hopefully this will ring some bells, I wish you a big good luck on that one, from what I can see you are a caring partner and I hope he is at your lvl.
joepanic
Respected Member
Might be time for him to see the doctor He might be having a physical issue that he can get help with. After I gave up porn sometimes I had a little trouble getting an erection where other times I could be hard for hours Porn addiction is not the only cause of erectile disfunction. I also experienced it when getting mixed signals from my wife. Basically she wanted to make love but she has never been one to initiate so I never actually knew for sure (this has always been one of her control issues). So I would lay next to her not sure what was happening and think perhaps not tonight and would get soft and of course she would think I was not interested. Perhaps further communication and a talk with the doctor may help. There is nothing to lose in that
Post often it helps me it helps you
Post often it helps me it helps you
Ahh, I wouldn't know what else to do either than trust him, at that point if he's lying that's not something you can even figure out now. And u gotta trust the other at some point too, when u start doubting constantly it's already the start of the end of the relationship generaly.
I wish you to find a good work around that problem, good luck !
I wish you to find a good work around that problem, good luck !