When the porn remains in the brain after quitting . . .

[Caravan7]

Hi all,

I understand the Reboot world (not only this site) focuses on the problem of actual porn watching and how to quit that. I respect that.
(I am completely clean now for 5 months and was in the past for almost 4 years before a relapse.)

But my problem is that the porn may not be in front of my eye anymore, but real women I see on the streets or actresses of normal movies on screen (clothed and, of course, not engaged in sexual acts) still trigger strong sexual fantasies (masturbatory, often).

I struggle to find resources on this specific problem. How to stop this overwhelming arousal-fantasy pattern caused by all pretty women even now that porn as such is over (thankfully). It is still a problem and, to be honest, kind of a torture inside.

Pure will force seems ineffective to me. I may manage to control and not ogle, but the frustration inside remains. I suspect the kind of work needed is deeper (psychotherapy etc).

I thank members who have already provided valuable insights in another post of mine. I am looking for more sharing and for more ideas.

I hope to start a big conversation! For those of you who no longer watch porn but still struggle in the real world, how do you go about it? What do you do? What do you think? Do you have resources to recommend?

 

[Jeks]

Against fantasizing my go-to-method is called the rabbit-hole technique. I think i found it once on the "the brain rebalanced-radio show". You can find it on yourbrainonporn.com
It essentially works like this: When you have a trigger (outside or inside your mind) you try to focus on something other in your sorroundings and try to think about that. For example what often happens to me is, that i think of an image, i have watched years ago. I then immidiately will start looking around and try to catch something with my eye. It could be for example some keys. Then i focus on those keys and try to think about everything i can about keys. For example what are they made of? How do they work? What kind of keys are there? There was that one key in that Harry Potter movie... what was is good for? When was the last time i saw a Harry Potter movie? What was my favourite movie? ect. You see i came from keys to movies and i continue this process until this image is not so strong anymore. If it comes back, i start the method again.
Its called rabbit hole-technique, because the metaphor is, that you are like a hunting dog, desperate for hunting a rabbit and so you go after every rabbit hole. The problem is, when you start going into the rabbit hole, you dig deeper and deeper until you cant find a way out anymore and possibly even relapse. So you gotta focus on something else as soon as you spot a rabbit hole.
I think this technique works, because you literally train and condition your brain to not think about those images any more by thinking about something else. With time the images get weaker and it gets easier to not think about them. I think, the pathways just get weaker, because you are not using them anymore. Hope, that can help.

 

[Fappy]

it will remain for a while yet. the more you strugglie, ive found, the harder youre making it for yourself. youre going to have such thoughts, wether you like it or not fighting it will just exhaust you. just objectively think about the images, and how in essence they are no different from any other image that may pop up in your head.

 

[Caravan7]

Thank you Jeks, yes that sounds helpful! I have intuitively come to something similar, though I realize it's essentially the same principle. I think of something quite lofty instead, such as great paintings or other works of art. I visualize them. Or I think about my next work project and start elaborating the details. I don't want women bodies (the image of women bodies) to be triggers: they should be people first. Sexual attraction per se is healthy, of course (and it's our DNA speaking!) but attraction also involves personality and energy. When the sight alone triggers the overwhelming fantasy, I feel powerless.

 

[Caravan7]

it will remain for a while yet. the more you strugglie, ive found, the harder youre making it for yourself. youre going to have such thoughts, wether you like it or not fighting it will just exhaust you. just objectively think about the images, and how in essence they are no different from any other image that may pop up in your head.

Agreed, fighting is not going to make it go away. Better to be prepared for the trigger, expect that it will trigger you, and try to distract yourself with different kinds of thoughts. It's gonna take a long time, I'm afraid.

 

[zaraki888]

Hello Jeks, I like your post. Unfortunate I have the same problem as you. However I only was able to reach 81 days monk mode by not looking at women on the street. I look away quick. When I watch a movie and see pretty girl scene, I close my eyes till the scene is gone. On youtube when I browse I do the same thing. Timing is important as dopamine needs time to be released. Can be 0. 5 seconds or not more than 2 seconds. I needed to be as quick reaction as a cheetah. Now I read your post and wonder what would happen if I managed to reach 4 months clean and I still can't look. Perhaps the answer could be that there is a way to look at women and not in a sexual way but a respected way. Not looking at body parts. No fantasizing. As horny as I am, I did realize it was possible but I can't make one sexual thought mistake. Not even a second. I still need to figure out if I can after 4 months porn free. At the moment, especially in summer, I can't look at them sadly.

 

[Caravan7]

Hello zaraki888: I would be curious to hear an expert (psychologist, neuroscientist) discuss the issue of visual trigger. I presume that healthy straight men who never had an addiction problem would also notice a pretty woman on screen or on the beach, no? It's part of our nature as reproductive animals, isn't it? Ah, how I wished I could be in their mind to experience what that feels like! It may be a matter of degree. A related question is, what is healthy (not porn-addicted) masturbation? After several days or weeks without actual sex, that is probably healthy no? It's a needed release. Can we do it in a non-obsessive "pornified" manner?
But I agree, the women we see should be people first and foremost, not bodies. Human bodies without a person inside do not exist. Every woman we see has a story, emotions, relationships, ideals, aspirations. How do we regain this more holistic perspective? For we cannot avoid seeing women forever: we will always encounter beautiful and attractive people in our life....I hope that when we are healed, we will be able to simply acknowledge that beauty and either pursue someone we like (if we are single), or just acknowledge that there is beauty in the world, smile, and move on. I'm not there yet, but one day ...