Dear all,
I came up with this technique to control urges (whether internal or triggered by sight of an attractive woman).
It's working well for me. Try it out and let me know how it goes!
(Thanks and disclaimers are at the bottom)
When you have an internal urge (to watch porn) or external trigger (attractive woman who sparks a lustful fantasy), take a deep breath and think:
R. E. L. A. X.
which breaks down to
Recognize
Evaluate
Let go
Acknowledge
Xplore (Explore)
That is:
Recognize that arousal is part of nature (DNA, the human species) and nature is stronger than you, you can't fight it. Granted, with porn addiction the intensity of our arousal is excessive and obsessive, but this step is only meant to cut yourself some slack. Activation and arousal as such are built in our nature as sexual animals. Don't beat yourself up. Having recognized this, then
Evaluate whether that particular individual that triggered you (or that internal urge to engage in PMO) is all that important for your life. Chances are, it isn't. Think about it: it's completely random that you saw that particular cute lady at that particular time! Had you left home 5 minutes later, you would not have seen her, or you would have seen someone else. Although you are seeing real people, they only function as trigger images for you. This quick evaluation should make you realize that the trigger (or internal urge) may be felt as strong but it's basically random, happenstance, irrelevant, and insignificant. Having done this evaluation, then
Let go of her (or of the urge). Do you need to keep looking or keep fantasizing? Do you need to reinforce the urge inside? Not really, right? Take another deep breath and think (or even mouth silently) "let go"... and let it wash away. Now you should feel a bit more relaxed. Then
Acknowledge that you have a large problem than a man who has never been addicted. Again, no judgement or beating yourself up, but you are on a journey of recovery, it will take a LONG time! You cannot demand to be free from urges and triggers right away! After all, if you were free of them, you would have solved your problem and would not need any technique at all, right? So tell yourself "I'm working on it", give yourself some empathy, and take another deep breath. Triggers and urges are unavoidable: you are rebooting. Trust the process and relax. Finally:
[E]Xplore other thoughts, ideas, and feelings. I mean, do this right away, on the spot: direct your mind to thoughts about non-sexual things that are meaningful to you, such as a work project, a new creative idea (or a hobby), or even very lofty matters such as art, philosophy, social justice. Or think about a gathering of friends that is coming up or that you would like to organize. The key here is to get lost in thought about something deeply human, social, significant, meaningful, and/or beautiful (but NOT physical beauty ). You can actually think about one of these things in details, do some planning. Perhaps you can engage in that productive activity right away or as soon as you're back home. You are basically distracting yourself, and it should be easier to do so because you went thought the 4 steps before already. Take another deep breath and relax... you are out of the urge now.
If needed, repeat the cycle!
It took me a bit to write it, but once you think about it and interiorize it, you can go through the R. E. L. A. X. cycle pretty quickly.
I hope it helps, good luck! Let me know if it works, if you have changes to suggest, etc...
I look forward to hearing from you
................
Thanks
I took inspiration for some parts of this process from users of this Forum.
I would like to thank the following members for their insights and suggestions:
Disclaimers
I came up with this technique to control urges (whether internal or triggered by sight of an attractive woman).
It's working well for me. Try it out and let me know how it goes!
(Thanks and disclaimers are at the bottom)
When you have an internal urge (to watch porn) or external trigger (attractive woman who sparks a lustful fantasy), take a deep breath and think:
R. E. L. A. X.
which breaks down to
Recognize
Evaluate
Let go
Acknowledge
Xplore (Explore)
That is:
Recognize that arousal is part of nature (DNA, the human species) and nature is stronger than you, you can't fight it. Granted, with porn addiction the intensity of our arousal is excessive and obsessive, but this step is only meant to cut yourself some slack. Activation and arousal as such are built in our nature as sexual animals. Don't beat yourself up. Having recognized this, then
Evaluate whether that particular individual that triggered you (or that internal urge to engage in PMO) is all that important for your life. Chances are, it isn't. Think about it: it's completely random that you saw that particular cute lady at that particular time! Had you left home 5 minutes later, you would not have seen her, or you would have seen someone else. Although you are seeing real people, they only function as trigger images for you. This quick evaluation should make you realize that the trigger (or internal urge) may be felt as strong but it's basically random, happenstance, irrelevant, and insignificant. Having done this evaluation, then
Let go of her (or of the urge). Do you need to keep looking or keep fantasizing? Do you need to reinforce the urge inside? Not really, right? Take another deep breath and think (or even mouth silently) "let go"... and let it wash away. Now you should feel a bit more relaxed. Then
Acknowledge that you have a large problem than a man who has never been addicted. Again, no judgement or beating yourself up, but you are on a journey of recovery, it will take a LONG time! You cannot demand to be free from urges and triggers right away! After all, if you were free of them, you would have solved your problem and would not need any technique at all, right? So tell yourself "I'm working on it", give yourself some empathy, and take another deep breath. Triggers and urges are unavoidable: you are rebooting. Trust the process and relax. Finally:
[E]Xplore other thoughts, ideas, and feelings. I mean, do this right away, on the spot: direct your mind to thoughts about non-sexual things that are meaningful to you, such as a work project, a new creative idea (or a hobby), or even very lofty matters such as art, philosophy, social justice. Or think about a gathering of friends that is coming up or that you would like to organize. The key here is to get lost in thought about something deeply human, social, significant, meaningful, and/or beautiful (but NOT physical beauty ). You can actually think about one of these things in details, do some planning. Perhaps you can engage in that productive activity right away or as soon as you're back home. You are basically distracting yourself, and it should be easier to do so because you went thought the 4 steps before already. Take another deep breath and relax... you are out of the urge now.
If needed, repeat the cycle!
It took me a bit to write it, but once you think about it and interiorize it, you can go through the R. E. L. A. X. cycle pretty quickly.
I hope it helps, good luck! Let me know if it works, if you have changes to suggest, etc...
I look forward to hearing from you
................
Thanks
I took inspiration for some parts of this process from users of this Forum.
I would like to thank the following members for their insights and suggestions:
- JnanaYogiKarmaYogi
- Fappy
- Artemus
- Jeks
- zaraki888
Disclaimers
- I am not a psychologist or mental health professional, just a regular guy (now porn free) who is trying to reduce the impact of triggers.
- I have no business attached to this technique. It just came to mind the other day. I have joined this forum only recently and would like to help.
- It's entirely possible that the technique does not work for you. While I have read sources in various disciplines, this is not a scientific or tested process. It's only an idea that I hope might benefit the community.
- I am open to feedback.