Desire to Be More Productive With My Time! Day 1
- Thread starter JacobiThetaFunction
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JacobiThetaFunction
Member
I've just relapsed. But I'm not going to go hard on myself. I had struggled throughout the entire day with a potent chaser effect, and at last succumbed to it late in the day, which was pretty good for me (usually I would have fallen much earlier). This just goes to show that I of course have more work to do, but that I am learning from my previous relapse not to beat myself up over it, since that only leads to more relapses after, and so on (thus, one test of how much I've matured from the last relapse is whether or not I can successfully disregard the chaser effect that I know usually ensues following a relapse). I'm also going to listen to the suggestion of another user and start a spreadsheet in order to more visually track my progress, while abandoning the counter for now. I'm going to stick with the goal of having no more than 5 relapses for this month of August (incidentally, today is August 1st, so I have to count today). Then I'm going to limit myself to max 4 relapses the next month, then max 3, then max 2, then max 1, and if all goes to plan, 0 by the arrival of January, 2022. Of course I hope I can do better than the worst-case scenarios I've allowed myself in each of those months. Also, I've been advised that I should spend less time on this forum (since thinking about not watching porn is thinking about porn), and more time focused on filling up the void left by porn abstinence (which is actually the root of porn addiction in the first place), so I will be doing just that. Rather than posting on a daily basis, I'm going to make monthly reports, but I will update my spreadsheet whenever I do have a relapse, and it will be open for anyone to view.
JacobiThetaFunction
Member
JacobiThetaFunction
Member
Clearly something is off about myself as I've had 2 more PMO relapses after that first one yesterday (see the spreadsheet). On the YBOP website, I came across this idea of keeping 2 separate counters, one for PMO and one for just MO. The idea was that in absolutely urgent times, if I'm having trouble keeping PMO urges at bay, I should instead release via MO rather than PMO. So essentially, if you have to "relapse", do it without porn. This could be helpful for me since one of the things that really hooks people like myself onto porn is the constant novelty, and so if I simply don't look at any porn and therefore over time don't inject any novelty into my head, then it may help break the addiction faster. That being said, there is certainly a slippery slope doing it in this so-called "orgasm reboot" way, since my addicted brain may view it as a green light to masturbate with no constraints, which is certainly not desirable either (and also the act of masturbation can induce a strong chaser effect which has the potential to lead back to PMO). I believe the correct attitude to have on all this is that it's just doing a standard reboot, namely trying to abstain as much as possible from both porn and masturbation (i.e. going full cold turkey), but that in those really bad moments, I have a "nuclear button" to avoid porn. Porn is the #1 enemy, masturbation is #2, at least that's the philosophy. I'm going to give this a try and see if it helps me.
But I also need to do some other things to improve my reboot success. One idea I'm having is to just have some very cold object within hand's reach at all times (such as a pack of ice) or maybe a big bowl of ice cold water (I think you can see where I'm going with this). When urges come, I might grab the ice pack and press it hard against my forehead in order to "cool" the urges literally, or if I go with the bowl scenario, I might just douse my head straight into the bowl of ice cold water for like 2 seconds and hopefully that should vanquish the urges at least temporarily. A third simpler option is to just always, without exception, go to the tap and splash cold water on my face every 30 minutes or so, regardless of whether or not I'm having any urges. I know this sounds extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures
. Another thing is that I can practice controlling and being more aware of my urges by quitting some other habits I've accumulated over the years (these aren't "bad" habits like porn, they're harmless things like biting my nails when I'm thinking, but actively attempting to quit them can be a good starting point for the more serious stuff). I think it would also help if I had a more structured routine with my Pomodoro breaks. Specifically, in the 3-minutes that I allot myself, I think it's fair to have myself do 30 squats, 30 weight-lifts, and 30 sit-ups each time in that order, no exceptions.
However, I also need to plan for a more long-term solution (all of the things I've suggested so far are short-term ways to get a streak going, but the point is to maintain it for as long as I can). I need to accept that the reason I am so addicted to porn is that it gives me a quick fix when my dopamine levels are low. I need to accept that by engaging in an extended period of abstinence, I will be subjecting myself to the uncomfortable feelings of low dopamine, loneliness, exhaustion, boredom, etc. and that I am not going to have my usual fix at hand. By accepting this, I am logically forced to find another way to alleviate those uncomfortable emotions. However, I think it's actually pretty obvious how I can manage each of those situations (basically, I think for myself all of my triggers for porn fall into one of those 3 categories: loneliness, exhaustion, and boredom).
Loneliness ------> Go to one of my parents' rooms and have a long conversation with them about anything. Also make sure there is plenty of hugging and cuddling (not intimate or anything, just a sort of parent-child thing).
Exhaustion -------> Go to kitchen area, grab a snack, a cup of water, and sit by the window which opens up to the garden. Eat. If I'm really tired, I might also consider a quick 2-minute cold shower afterwards.
Boredom -------> (this one seems to be very tricky to solve. The basic problem is that the antidote to the boredom is of course something exciting, something which can carry one on some sort of roller-coaster. Porn of course does this, which is why it's so luring. I think the closest "healthy" substitute I can think of which still sort of administers a roller-coaster experience is the aforementioned "dousing myself in ice cold water" method. Let me know if you have some better suggestions, but I'm going to stick with that for now as a means of alleviating boredom).
So essentially then, the task of abstaining from porn really reduces to the task of being able to correctly and efficiently identify which of the 3 above situations I am finding myself in when I'm having urges (it could also be some combination of the three), and give myself the appropriate treatment (which are of course subject to revisions and improvements overtime as I see fit). I think another step I'm going to take is to Ankify all the important points in this post I've made, since I've noticed that when the urges get really bad, one's thinking becomes very foggy and obstructed, so it may be crucial to have the key points of this strategy firmly memorized and embedded into my head so that they are easier to recall. Also, it is of course fairly easy to think of situations in which I am not able to carry out the above actions (e.g. if both my parents are out for some urgent reasons), in which case I just have to hang in there, and MO if and only if absolutely necessary.
If the reboot is a journey, I think I've packed enough luggage on this one, and that this is really going to be the one (I know that sounds so cringy and all, but I should mention that I have in the past, before I joined Reboot Nation, actually (and successfully) gone utterly cold turkey for something like 100 days. Let me say that again. In the past, I have done it. The mere fact that I have done it before successfully before is undeniable proof that I am capable of it and that I can make it happen again). Onward!!!
Sincerely, and I do mean sincerely, Jacob
But I also need to do some other things to improve my reboot success. One idea I'm having is to just have some very cold object within hand's reach at all times (such as a pack of ice) or maybe a big bowl of ice cold water (I think you can see where I'm going with this). When urges come, I might grab the ice pack and press it hard against my forehead in order to "cool" the urges literally, or if I go with the bowl scenario, I might just douse my head straight into the bowl of ice cold water for like 2 seconds and hopefully that should vanquish the urges at least temporarily. A third simpler option is to just always, without exception, go to the tap and splash cold water on my face every 30 minutes or so, regardless of whether or not I'm having any urges. I know this sounds extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures
. Another thing is that I can practice controlling and being more aware of my urges by quitting some other habits I've accumulated over the years (these aren't "bad" habits like porn, they're harmless things like biting my nails when I'm thinking, but actively attempting to quit them can be a good starting point for the more serious stuff). I think it would also help if I had a more structured routine with my Pomodoro breaks. Specifically, in the 3-minutes that I allot myself, I think it's fair to have myself do 30 squats, 30 weight-lifts, and 30 sit-ups each time in that order, no exceptions. However, I also need to plan for a more long-term solution (all of the things I've suggested so far are short-term ways to get a streak going, but the point is to maintain it for as long as I can). I need to accept that the reason I am so addicted to porn is that it gives me a quick fix when my dopamine levels are low. I need to accept that by engaging in an extended period of abstinence, I will be subjecting myself to the uncomfortable feelings of low dopamine, loneliness, exhaustion, boredom, etc. and that I am not going to have my usual fix at hand. By accepting this, I am logically forced to find another way to alleviate those uncomfortable emotions. However, I think it's actually pretty obvious how I can manage each of those situations (basically, I think for myself all of my triggers for porn fall into one of those 3 categories: loneliness, exhaustion, and boredom).
Loneliness ------> Go to one of my parents' rooms and have a long conversation with them about anything. Also make sure there is plenty of hugging and cuddling (not intimate or anything, just a sort of parent-child thing).
Exhaustion -------> Go to kitchen area, grab a snack, a cup of water, and sit by the window which opens up to the garden. Eat. If I'm really tired, I might also consider a quick 2-minute cold shower afterwards.
Boredom -------> (this one seems to be very tricky to solve. The basic problem is that the antidote to the boredom is of course something exciting, something which can carry one on some sort of roller-coaster. Porn of course does this, which is why it's so luring. I think the closest "healthy" substitute I can think of which still sort of administers a roller-coaster experience is the aforementioned "dousing myself in ice cold water" method. Let me know if you have some better suggestions, but I'm going to stick with that for now as a means of alleviating boredom).
So essentially then, the task of abstaining from porn really reduces to the task of being able to correctly and efficiently identify which of the 3 above situations I am finding myself in when I'm having urges (it could also be some combination of the three), and give myself the appropriate treatment (which are of course subject to revisions and improvements overtime as I see fit). I think another step I'm going to take is to Ankify all the important points in this post I've made, since I've noticed that when the urges get really bad, one's thinking becomes very foggy and obstructed, so it may be crucial to have the key points of this strategy firmly memorized and embedded into my head so that they are easier to recall. Also, it is of course fairly easy to think of situations in which I am not able to carry out the above actions (e.g. if both my parents are out for some urgent reasons), in which case I just have to hang in there, and MO if and only if absolutely necessary.
If the reboot is a journey, I think I've packed enough luggage on this one, and that this is really going to be the one (I know that sounds so cringy and all, but I should mention that I have in the past, before I joined Reboot Nation, actually (and successfully) gone utterly cold turkey for something like 100 days. Let me say that again. In the past, I have done it. The mere fact that I have done it before successfully before is undeniable proof that I am capable of it and that I can make it happen again). Onward!!!
Sincerely, and I do mean sincerely, Jacob
CoolBreeze
Active Member
Good awareness on things. Keep up the good work.
JacobiThetaFunction
Member
Just now, I reached a serious milestone in my fight against porn addiction. Here's what happened: both my parents were busy upstairs, they don't know what I'm up to, I go to the basement with my laptop, I searched up the name of a porn site in Google, and of course a bunch of links pop up which you literally only need to click and you're screwed. I had my mouse hovering over one of them, put my laptop on a bed, then went and grabbed some toilet paper, and laid it down methodically over the area I was expecting to cum on. Heart beat was quickened, brain was getting foggy. I untied my pants and pulled them down, and of course my tool was quite erect and my whole body was shaking with anticipation of getting its usual fix. The relapse seemed inevitable now, didn't it? In the past, every time I had gotten to this point, I had indeed relapsed.
But not this time. Not this time. I was on my knees, pants pulled down, ready to begin fapping and ultimately reaching PMO, when my inner voice just turned on saying "look at yourself. What the fuck are you doing with your life? Is this how you want the world to see you? How about in one month when you go back to school? Would any girl want to be your girlfriend if they knew you led such a pathetic existence? Are you just going to give up like that? You didn't even put up a fucking fight with the enemy!". Of course the brain of an addict works in mysterious ways and I could just hear my less angelic side giving all kinds of rationalizations for me clicking on that link ("but c'mon it's going to feel so good", "wanting to have sex is just natural", etc.). I literally hesitated there in that position for 10 minutes, this battle going on inside of me. And I won it. I fucking won. My angelic side triumphed. I pulled my pants back up, tied them, flushed all that unused toilet paper into the toilet (a bit of a waste, but I couldn't care less in those circumstances), and closed that tab with the porn search. This incident has given me such a huge confidence boost! If I could find light at the end of such a dark tunnel, I know that every single person on this forum is also capable of doing so, and will be able to leave porn behind. Don't give up guys, never give up.
Sincerely, Jacob
But not this time. Not this time. I was on my knees, pants pulled down, ready to begin fapping and ultimately reaching PMO, when my inner voice just turned on saying "look at yourself. What the fuck are you doing with your life? Is this how you want the world to see you? How about in one month when you go back to school? Would any girl want to be your girlfriend if they knew you led such a pathetic existence? Are you just going to give up like that? You didn't even put up a fucking fight with the enemy!". Of course the brain of an addict works in mysterious ways and I could just hear my less angelic side giving all kinds of rationalizations for me clicking on that link ("but c'mon it's going to feel so good", "wanting to have sex is just natural", etc.). I literally hesitated there in that position for 10 minutes, this battle going on inside of me. And I won it. I fucking won. My angelic side triumphed. I pulled my pants back up, tied them, flushed all that unused toilet paper into the toilet (a bit of a waste, but I couldn't care less in those circumstances), and closed that tab with the porn search. This incident has given me such a huge confidence boost! If I could find light at the end of such a dark tunnel, I know that every single person on this forum is also capable of doing so, and will be able to leave porn behind. Don't give up guys, never give up.
Sincerely, Jacob
CoolBreeze
Active Member
Clear out the history on your computer. Make it less easy to find those sites.
JacobiThetaFunction
Member
Unfortunately, I've relapsed again (PMO). I thought I was doing so well the whole day but then boom, I dropped my guard and the rest followed. Unlike my previous 11 and 8-day streaks, the 2-day streak that I managed to get going here was so much harder to earn, each day was just such a headache to get through, but I think I also learned the most from it as a result. I've used up all 5 of my relapses for the month of August, so if I don't straighten myself up, I'm going to have failed that goal...
CoolBreeze
Active Member
Try to recognize your triggers before you act out. One of my triggers was just boredom. When I feel that trigger I try to read a book. Try to recognize the trigger and deal with it in a healthy way.
JacobiThetaFunction
Member
PIED - Road To Victory: An Alternative To The Conventional Reboot
It’s time. Finally, it is my turn to do this. I’ve succeeded! Two weeks ago, I had sex for the first time. It lasted approximately 5 minutes, and ended with me going limp. Still, it is the biggest accomplishment of my life until now. One small trust for a man, but a giant leap for [...]Read...
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