Fighting The New Drug

Rchie99

Active Member
Wouldn't it be funny if I didn't have time to go to the gym because a friend of mine spontaneously asked me to help him move out of his apartment? How convinient would that be, right?....In all seriousness helping him out went ok and I'm glad that I did it, and his parents were grateful for my help so that's nice.

I will have set a new MO-abstainment-within-the-time-frame-of-my-journal record today once midnight hits of 6 days. Considering the power level of my urges I feel like I can go a lot further, but its been quite a long time since I've gotten this far so I can't let my guard down.

49 is the lucky number 7 squared, squares have 4 corners and equivalent sides. This issue of P affects people from all 4 corners of the world, but we are lucky that we have platforms like this one where we can discuss our struggles as equals. Thanks again Gabe, I binged some of your videos lately and have enjoyed them quite a bit
 

Rchie99

Active Member
50 days completed! This morning when I unplugged my phone from the it's charger it was at 50%, these two 50s will combine to keep the rest of my life 100% P-free!

I had the 2nd relapse dream of my reboot so far last night, this one leaned furthur towards nightmare territory and felt worryingly real. I've had some other P-related dreams that were more abstract, but as long as they stay as dreams and not reality they aren't anything to worry about imo

I got a boner while getting dressed again. This time I was able to make a connection between what I had been doing on both days and one of my old P interests, I hope that sexual conditioning doesn't become a hinderance in the future (at least in this specific case it probably wouldn't)

I have noticed that I have more energy and investment when I'm at work, I've felt the benefits of that quite nicely. Also I don't think that the old me would have the ability to be as involved with this site as I am now

The record for my MO abstainment continues to grow (1 full week now). My dick seems to gradually be getting the hint (besides the 3rd paragraph thing)

This morning while I had the boner I started to think about what was possibly the last major fantasy I developed while I was a P consumer. The P part of my brain wishes that it had been allowed more time to explore it, obviously I'm not going to give it that oppurtunity. This fantasy is relatively complicit with the reality of my access to sex, but it doesn't comply very well with my modern sexual values. I'm not sure how feasible achieving the fantasy would be, but I'm making a conscious effort not to look into it for my own good. And this stuff conflicts with the romantic feelings that I have as of right now, sure the feelings may be complicated and likely naive but I must honor them
 

Rchie99

Active Member
I recently realized that I haven't discussed MW at all yet. I haven't been paying much attention to it, but I'd say that I've been having it fairly regularly. Speaking of my penis, I have become comfortable with its size now that I've distanced myself from P. If I'm ever in a sexual situation in which the woman seems disappointed by it, I will understand that her thoughts are likely just a product of a flawed society. I've heard that women are aware of how self-conscious men are about their size, and that they will use that to make you feel better or worse depending on how they feel in that moment.

I've been wanting to shave more often as a minor self-improvement goal, but I can't because of these stupid pimples. I have a weakish chin and jawline but my facial hair looks like pubes, it's a lose-lose.

I forgot to mention in my first journal entry that for some time in between finding Fight The New Drug and starting my journal I tried switching to MOing to softcore stuff (including pics of clothed women), but this would lead to me escalating back to hardcore material. I have been grappling with what's OK to MO to for a long time. I hate developing fantasies for women who I know IRL who are in a relationship, and fantasies of other kinds of people have their own issues as well. The obvious solution is to cut back on MO, something that until recently I viewed as a net negative. Something that I picked up on is that MOing without a visual aid gives you a better oppurtunity to derive pleasure from the act of MO itself, if that makes sense.

My sex drive is definitely declining, it makes these challenges easier but I'd be lying if I said that I'm not a bit disappointed by it. To make up for the relative lack of struggle within my journey I am creating an additional abstinence goal; no more video games. I have been carrying out a consistent routine of going right to my computor when I get home from work and spending most of the rest of the day there, cycling through 3 games and watching/listening to YouTube videos and podcasts. The "productivity" value of these videos has improved drastically in the last couple of months, but I can still do better.

Yesterday was Day 51, as in Area 51. I still feel alienated from the world of sex, but I would rather have positive sexual values at a distance than carry out negative ones
 

Rchie99

Active Member
Abstaining from video games has been going well. I'm getting to bed earlier playing my cajon more often and playing with my dog more often too. I'm going to go as far as I can with this goal until the release of Yugioh Master Duel or Breath of the Wild 2. Also playing video games in-person with friends would be an exception.

Last night I had a wet dream and blew a huge load. But during the day yesterday and today my dick felt pretty lazy. Because of this plus a weird feeling of overconfidence I tried something really dumb: Trying to have a contactless O through P fantasy. For better or for worse it didn't work. I'm not counting this as a relapse for anything, just as a "wtf" moment.

I got agitated at work yesterday but some socialization in the evening made things better. Work was ok today.

Yesterday was Day 52 and today is Day 53. 52 is unlucky 13 x 4. I noticed that on 4chan a lot of guys would bring up unlucky characteristics of theirs as an excuse of their withdrawl from society. Those mindsets had an awful influence on me; I would obsess over my flaws without bothering to remedy them, and ignore the existence of my strengths along with their potential. Yeah I'm autistic, but I won't let that stop me from connecting with people. And I won't supress the benefits of my autism by attempting to act "normal". 53 is the first prime number since I started analyzing these numbers, I like prime numbers 🙂
 

Rchie99

Active Member
I'm going to spend most of this entry talking about the woman that I have romantic feelings for who I've discusssd a few times in previous entries. I've been thinking about her, a lot. Some of those thoughts have had negative aspects to them; like creating a totally idealized version of her in my head and applying it to reality, or becoming too emotionally invested in the hypothetical future that I have with her. There is an interesting way in which I am holding myself back due to my feelings for her. My plan is to build up my confidence through self-improvement, which will eventually get me to a point where I feel ready to approach women. But before I do that I will confess my feelings to her in hopes of a long-distance relationship in which I would be willing to move if it ends up being successful. Normally I am not too afraid of rejection, but in this case I am terrified. I have never been in love to this degree. I even get paranoid when texting her or participating in the group text that we're both in, worried that my communication isn't perfectly optimal. So since I don't want to be rejected I don't put myself in the position for that to happen which acts as an excuse for me to put in a lot less than 100% in terms of self-improvement. The solution here is to embrace how working on myself will boost my chances with women in general, and accept that she isn't the only woman out there. But my heart can only abide by so much ration. I don't know if she's single or not, her social media makes it vague but it's not really my business anyways. If she does reject me then I will make sure not to relapse on anything, that would send me down a horrible path.

Yesterday was Day 54. 6 x 9 is 54, 6 and 9, 69 😐. I'm not sure how I feel about sexual cues these days. Detachment, excitement, regret, shame, it varies I guess. Yesterday my workplace had a cookout during lunch. The women who work there are generally very attractive, especially a certain tall woman with an amazing figure. She thought that she sat on some berries by accident and asked the group to look at her butt to check (she was wearing jeans). I hadn't really been engaging in the conversation but regardless I was very adamant about not looking. I think that my decision was reasonable, but I hope that I don't become too prudish in the future
 

Rchie99

Active Member
Today is now Day 0. I will explain.

I had downloaded 10,000+ images/gifs/webms onto my phone from my years on 4chan. Every few days during this reboot I would spend some time going through one of the two folders that they're in and delete stuff that I was no longer fond of. About 2% of the material was sexual, I would delete it ASAP before it gave me stronger temptations. The image that got me was something tbat did not immediately jump out as sexual: A series of Facebook DMs between 2 people who were strangers to me that developed into a sexual conversation. I MO very briefly after I finished reading it. At first I thought "I haven't MO in a long time, I'll just get this out of my system and then be able to inspect the rest of the images more easily'. What I realized shortly afterwards was that I BASICALLY JUST PMO! Obviously the MO was fueled by the P (even if it's not a conventional form of P it still counts). I deleted the entirety of both folders after that. Most of that stuff would be very difficult to find again but fuck it, they can keep it. Gonna finally sleep now
 

Donda1444

New Member
I'm sorry man. It's coincidental that I found this site today and decided to start this journey today too. I have been battling this addiction for well over 7 years the longest I've gone was 90 days. I hope we beat this addiction.
 

Hamnad

Member
Today is now Day 0. I will explain.

I had downloaded 10,000+ images/gifs/webms onto my phone from my years on 4chan. Every few days during this reboot I would spend some time going through one of the two folders that they're in and delete stuff that I was no longer fond of. About 2% of the material was sexual, I would delete it ASAP before it gave me stronger temptations. The image that got me was something tbat did not immediately jump out as sexual: A series of Facebook DMs between 2 people who were strangers to me that developed into a sexual conversation. I MO very briefly after I finished reading it. At first I thought "I haven't MO in a long time, I'll just get this out of my system and then be able to inspect the rest of the images more easily'. What I realized shortly afterwards was that I BASICALLY JUST PMO! Obviously the MO was fueled by the P (even if it's not a conventional form of P it still counts). I deleted the entirety of both folders after that. Most of that stuff would be very difficult to find again but fuck it, they can keep it. Gonna finally sleep now
Sorry to hear about your relapase mate, and tbh that was a dangerous folder to go thorough, at least you MOed without watching the actual porn, that’s something postive to take, but yeah, you made it difficult for yourself in the next coming days.

I want you to think about this:

What would you do to not fall in the chaser effect for the next week?
 

Rchie99

Active Member
I'm sorry man. It's coincidental that I found this site today and decided to start this journey today too. I have been battling this addiction for well over 7 years the longest I've gone was 90 days. I hope we beat this addiction.
Maybe by relapsing I sacrificially transferred some sort of ethereal energy to you for your own journey 🤣. I'll eventually check out your journal and try to give substantial input, thanks for checking out and responding to my own.
What would you do to not fall in the chaser effect for the next week?
Remind myself that the satisfaction of being P-free outweighs the enjoyment I get out of P by a huge ratio. This also applies to MO but with a much smaller (but still positive) ratio. Thanks for bringing this factor up, we need to find the sources of our mishaps long before they happen
 

Rchie99

Active Member
Alright so I was spending time browsing through those 4chan images as a substitute for the time that I would've been spending playing video games while I was listening to/watching videos. I am benefiting from the videos in terms of distracting and educating myself, but I get bored if I'm not doing something else at the same time. So at least for right now I'm going to lift my ban on video games. I feel like playing them in moderation will be more beneficial to me than complete abstainment which may once again lead to workarounds that could make things worse. Looks like skin-picking is the only thing that I've stuck with lately 😅 but overall I feel a lot better than how I started this thing 2 months ago
 

Rchie99

Active Member
Just MO, couldn't stop thinking about sexual stuff including P. I felt tired even though I had just woken up on my own accord, and I didn't feel like getting out of bed. I think that I have an unhealthy subconscious relationship with my bed, I'm sure that I spend too much time in it and of course that encourages relapsing. Those damning thoughts keep coming back to me; "Your brain doesn't work right, your decision-making is horrible, you will never be a functioning member of society, you are too far behind developmentally to form romantic relationships, you might as well indulge". I know that they're wrong but they are overwhelming. I have an amazing beautiful woman in my life cheering me on, along with plenty of other people. Why am I forgetting that? Am I just not acustomed to it yet? What I do know is that I need to get back on track before my motivation slips furthur away. Like I said before this journey is the catalyst for fixing my life, it needs to be
 

Rchie99

Active Member
Just MO again, erection quality felt worse. I'm about to fall alseep but that factor is my wakeup call. You know what, I'll list off a bunch of postive stuff in order to get out of this slump:

I have a great support group that can be expanded by opening up to my parents and coworkers.

I haven't picked at my skin for a long time.

I have overall cut back on MO and had a great no-P streak.

I made sure that the circumstances of my PMO relapse can't be replicated.

I successfuly moved on from 4chan.

I have been learning plenty of information, mainly about this sort of stuff.

I could definitely be doing better, but I shouldn't be viewing this as hopeless
 

Not a Rabbi

Member
You can do it! I'm glad you can see that the relapse hasn't erased your progress. This is a long process that involves failure at least in the beginning for pretty much everyone. And you have made some big steps: stopping skin picking is no easy feat (I struggle with it myself), leaving negative influences behind, and more. This can all help you move forward with success.
 

Rchie99

Active Member
(This entry will be a bit unusual, but I'm confident in its importance)

Since the beginning of this journey I have made sure to be very open about myself and my struggle. My logic is that my openess has a positive correlation with the amount of help that I can provide others. Now is the time to disclose my last major P-inspired fantasy, the one that I developed in my softcore phases. I had taken an interest in "MILFs" (I don't like that term anymore, just writing it for clarity) years earlier, but I was now getting turned on by pictures of older women, hovering around elderly. I'll explain my thought process, maybe some other guys can relate. This is not meant as a persuasion piece, it's intended as a piece of my puzzle that may be needed to figure out what's best for me.

1. Elderly women might appreciate a young man lusting after them due to their lesser appeal compared to younger women in the eyes of almost all other men.
2. They might appreciate someone who has more sexual potential than most elderly men, and who is willing to give 110% during sex
3. They might be more patient and considerate with someone so inexperienced such as myself
4. If they've experienced menopause then AFAIK condom's aren't necessaey
5. They probably wouldn't want you to do rough sex or anything too physically demanding due to their relative frailty
6. Being able to complete a sexual interaction with an elderly woman would feel like a sexual accomplishment of sorts due in part to Point 1. (this ties in to the escalation of P-content that gradually happens, even though for this "category" almost all of the content that I was consuming was simply pictures of the women, sometimes clothed too)
7. The wealth of sexual experience that some older women have could be a big plus.

I apologize if I triggered anyone with that section, I got pretty hard myself 🤣

I'm bringing this all up because I just did what I wrote in an earlier entry that I shouldn't do by looking up hookup apps for meeting older women. But this action brought to a brighter light 2 major factors.

1. I don't really want to have a romantic relationship with these women, so why do I want to have sex with them? I realized this due to the apps marketing themselves for "dating" much more than "hookups". The reality of what goes on within the apps may be different, but do I want to be like that? If I turned my back on the emotional integrity of sex I would be receeding in my progress as well as being hypocritical. I want to have a normal healthy relationship with a woman roughly around my age, but the entitlement and novelty of P is messing with that.
2. I'm not ready for the world of dating or hookups regardless. I need to study for my Learner's Permit test pass it practice driving pass the Driver's Liscense test and then buy a car. Living with my parents is still acceptable in my eyes, but I should definitely make my room look more appealing. And of course doing other self-improvement things and thus boosting my confidence is borderline mandatory. In terms of online dating I hate looking at pictures of myself but that can be overcome. Some coworkers recently recommended that I grow out my facial hair so I'll try that, this time going furthur than ever before. I was ignoring all of that logical stuff due once again to the entitlement of P. I'm able to pleasure myself whenever I feel like it and my brain tries to apply that to sex, oblivious to reality and the nuances involved. I also have the voice in my head saying "You started puberty ~10 years ago, you should be given this stuff on a silver platter for waiting so long". This mentality is definitely supported by the remnants of my time on 4chan, where guys would discuss whether or not to hire prostitutes without giving the women the consideration that they deserve. And yeah it is unnatural and depressing for someone my age to be so inexperienced, but I got myself into this situation and it's up to me to get out. Blaming the system won't get me very far.

Feeling strong urges to go back to those pictures, but I'm able to clearly visualize how badly that would fuck things up. "No, no, no, no, no".
 

W4tchmak3r

Member
Hey man,

I know your musings about the nature of older women were largely just to get it off your chest, but needs to be said condoms don't just protect you from pregnancy... also from STIs! As someone who has had multiple STI scares now, and as a fellow young guy with so much of his sex life still yet to live, it pays to be very careful about your health! Sure the older women may not be as sexually active as younger women, but that certainly means theyre not getting tested as regularly and gaurantee no lurking nasties.

I'll be honest, this forum feels like the wrong place for me to honestly give you advice about improving your chances with women, for either relationships or sex. That particular topic for helping young men is heavily silenced by society and thus there are few good places you can go that aren't trying to scam you out of your money and that only care about showing you the honest truth. I personally beleive this is an epidemic as major as P addiction.

The most palletable resource is probably a youtuber named Hamza. He's got some generally great content about self improvement and dating advice. I used to think I was too good for dating advice because I could get girls, but I was so ignorant and ever since trying to practice humilty (in many areas) I've seen huge returns in my life.

Anyway stay focused on the things that matter my man, lay the rest aside.
Peace
 

Rchie99

Active Member
Hey man,

I know your musings about the nature of older women were largely just to get it off your chest, but needs to be said condoms don't just protect you from pregnancy... also from STIs! As someone who has had multiple STI scares now, and as a fellow young guy with so much of his sex life still yet to live, it pays to be very careful about your health! Sure the older women may not be as sexually active as younger women, but that certainly means theyre not getting tested as regularly and gaurantee no lurking nasties.

I'll be honest, this forum feels like the wrong place for me to honestly give you advice about improving your chances with women, for either relationships or sex. That particular topic for helping young men is heavily silenced by society and thus there are few good places you can go that aren't trying to scam you out of your money and that only care about showing you the honest truth. I personally beleive this is an epidemic as major as P addiction.

The most palletable resource is probably a youtuber named Hamza. He's got some generally great content about self improvement and dating advice. I used to think I was too good for dating advice because I could get girls, but I was so ignorant and ever since trying to practice humilty (in many areas) I've seen huge returns in my life.

Anyway stay focused on the things that matter my man, lay the rest aside.
Peace
I'm aware of the dangers of STIs, but in the moment of typing that up I was seeing things from an optimistic viewpoint. Thanks for bringing me back down to Earth, and for the other advice too
 

Rchie99

Active Member
I had a dream where I relapsed 3 nights ago, but last night's dream was basically first-person P but the guy wasn't me. Fuck you brain.

I bought a new bike on Sunday and went on a long ride. It was dark near the end so the survival aspect was cool. Going to try riding it to work.

I'm not sure how much I'd enjoy watching a porno in the moment these days (at one point pre-journal I was off-put by it due to the insecurities it had given me), but I have a crazy strong craving to look at those old ladies again, or even just to MO to the thought of them. My dick is begging for it, but the latter might lead to the former so I'll have to tough it out
 
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Rchie99

Active Member
I might just be pulling excuses out of my ass to excuse my cowardice, but I just PMO to old ladies and I now feel "cured". It wasn't as enjoyable as I thought it would be, I had been overhyping it in my head. My desire to seek out these types of women has definitely declined. This approach may seem strange and likely foolish, but keep in mind I am a strange person with a strange way of thinking. I was willing to break the mold in order to fix the intense cravings that I felt today for 5+ hours. Now if I PMO or look at any form of P or even MO again I will look like a fucking moron, but I can use that as its own incentive. I currently have a record of 11 days no MO during this journal's life, if I don't beat that with the streak that'll starts tomorrow (I won't MO or P again today though) then give me your worst. And of course I'll try my absolute hardest not to look at P again, if I regain curiousity I'll shoot it down. And keep in mind that the optimal rebooting process is different for everybody, there is a chance that I'm not making a huge mistake right now
 
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