Been in recovery for a while

prasamaccus

Member
But I haven't been doing so well lately.

So I'll try and commit to posting something every day for a while here. Right now, I need to do stuff to make up for lost time while acting out.
 

prasamaccus

Member
Me again. So yeah I've messed up again in the short time since that first post. Really not doing well lately. That's gotta change!

A bit more about me. I've been in recovery from porn and online chat addiction for somewhere between six and seven years. Yikes. Time makes less and less sense to me. I've done the 90 days a few times. I've done a lot of semen retention. I've quit "actual P" for about seven months, that's my longest consistent streak there probably.. Often I just reset with a P-sub. Not that that's great or anything. And chat rooms are very hard to fully quit for some strange reason. Well, it's the way I can rationalise myself into them I suppose.

I'm not sure how well that clarified things. So anyway, lately I've been going 7 to 14 days and then having a reset of some kind. I get back on track quickly though. But then I slip up again after 7 to 14 days. And the past 7 days have been a lot worse than usual.

I read "The Four Tendencies" by Gretchen Rubin once. It was obvious I was a "Rebel". From what I remember, I should seek to identify myself in an anti-PMO way. I rebel against all that bullshit. Yeah makes sense to me. Accountability alone doesn't really do it for me. And the whole "you should reach out for help" thing. I've had a lot of bad experiences looking for help, so that doesn't tend to work for me. But it's great if it works for you.

Right. Let's rebel (in a way that doesn't lead me back to this frickin' addiction).
 

yogi

Active Member
Keep practicing abstinence one day at a time.
Seven months! That's a terrific streak.
But the fact that you relapsed is what we have guard against, the urges can get us any time. Those addiction pathways never really die.

We all are struggling. We will help each other break free!
 

prasamaccus

Member
Thanks Yogi, yeah that's what I've been thinking today. Just do it one day at a time. Stay clean today, don't worry about tomorrow.

Seven months was a great streak, but there were some P-sub and chat resets during it. But still, avoiding "actual P" is always good.

One thing that helped me today was looking at a few YouTube videos about ADHD. I don't have a diagnosis but I probably have it.

Why have I not been doing so good lately? Maybe it's partly because recovery is getting a bit "old" now. I might make a list of things recovery has done for me, and things it hasn't done for me that maybe I was expecting it to help with. Hmm.

Another reason may be because at times in the past I've thought, okay I'm doing well at recovery, but also it feels like I'm being a bit too extreme about avoiding triggers and things like that. So by being more "balanced", I'm also doing less well.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
try not to focus on things that the recovery hasnt done for you. those things will come just give them time. focus instead on the great things quitting porn has done for you, and realize that list will gorw and grow if you stick to it!
 

yogi

Active Member
There's nothing called "balance" with porn and its triggers. You either avoid it totally or get sucked in and relapse.
 

prasamaccus

Member
try not to focus on things that the recovery hasnt done for you. those things will come just give them time. focus instead on the great things quitting porn has done for you, and realize that list will gorw and grow if you stick to it!

True, although I wasn't trying to be negative. I guess I was trying to say that even if we totally avoid all porn, masturbation and all the rest of it, it's not going to solve every single problem out there. But if we work on those non-PMO problems, we better not neglect recovery while we're doing it. That can certainly be a problem too.

There's nothing called "balance" with porn and its triggers. You either avoid it totally or get sucked in and relapse.

True to an extent. But on the other hand, a trigger may be making eye contact with a girl. Should we go to great lengths to avoid eye contact? Probably not. This is where simple mindfulness techniques can help (notice the eye contact, then notice other, less triggering things in the environment). Also thinking about hobbies and interests can be a great help.

I don't really have time to "make a list of things recovery has done for me" right now anyway. I had a pretty good day, made progress on hobbies and things like that. I'm currently doing some electronics-based hobbies (if that's the right word). I'm thinking if I try and do a little every day, it'll become a habit and eventually I might become an expert. Let's see.
 

prasamaccus

Member
Somewhat on the tired side right now after a busy day. I think it's important for me to write a little here every day though.

Managed to make more progress on my electronics hobby today, which is great.

When I said "somewhat on the tired side", I think I meant "pretty damn tired" lol. So I'm gonna leave it there. More tomorrow.
 

prasamaccus

Member
Not in the mood for writing right now, but here I am anyway! Lol.

Another busy day. Felt some anger, which may have been avoidable if I had taken a break in time.

Life "in recovery" is far from perfect, but it's a hell of a lot better than being an active addict.

All things PMO = Bad.
 

prasamaccus

Member
Right what's new today.. No acting out anyway, which is always good. Urges pass.

I didn't do any proper electronics work today. A friend was interested in what I was doing so I sent him pictures of it etc. Hopefully tomorrow I'll finish what I'm doing and make a start on my next project.

Another hobby of mine is language learning. Years ago I did this pretty religiously for a while. Then I more or less stopped apart from occasional dabbling or reading. This week I've been doing reasonably well at trying to get into the habit again.

Maybe I'll have time for a longer message tomorrow..
 

prasamaccus

Member
A few minutes ago I was about to settle down and make more progress on my electronics hobby.. But now something has come up. Such is life.

I do feel quite motivated towards my electronics hobby and my language learning hobby (should I hyphenate "language learning"? hmm). I did some of the latter today but not the former.

Something else I'd like to do more of is working on my "issues". This could potentially help with addiction problems too, because "issues" are a big reason behind struggling with addiction. But I have to be careful not to neglect recovery while doing so.

Right, see you soon. Like I said, not a great time for writing or doing hobbies right now.
 

Wolfman

Active Member
Focus on the recovery prasamaccus. You can't fix it all, all at once. You'll be much better equipped to deal with other issues once the PMO is gone and done away with, because you'll be a person with much more energy and clarity.

Hobbies are great! Keep adding a diversity of things. Maybe something that involves you being physical, like mountain climbing or dancing. Believe!
 

prasamaccus

Member
Focus on the recovery prasamaccus. You can't fix it all, all at once. You'll be much better equipped to deal with other issues once the PMO is gone and done away with, because you'll be a person with much more energy and clarity.

Hobbies are great! Keep adding a diversity of things. Maybe something that involves you being physical, like mountain climbing or dancing. Believe!

Is PMO ever totally gone and done away with? As I've said, I've done 90 day streaks and that kind of thing, but still I'm obviously not totally immune to acting out. Perhaps I'm like a "dry drunk" in some ways. Of course a person could change his lifestyle sufficiently to make it harder and harder for him to relapse, but he might still be prone at certain times. The best laid plans and all that. And I guess some people really do achieve long-term, reliable sobriety. But still they shouldn't be complacent. How are you doing, Wolfman?

Hobbies are definitely great. I do a lot of walking too, which is a great exercise as you don't get easily injured as you do with many other physical activities, so you don't need to take days off to recover. And I live in a hilly area so the walks tend to be quite physical. I'd like to get back into the habit of doing (safe) workouts of whatever kind soon too. I do stuff occasionally but not on a regular basis any more. But yeah, I do plenty of walking and quite a lot of mildly physical work, so I'm fairly fit.

Earlier I did some language learning and felt quite satisfied after doing it. Then I went for a walk and met a couple of people I didn't want to meet, which was awkward. When I got back home I played a video game for rather too long, which was almost certainly a reaction to this social thing (the people I met were the parents of a former "friend" of mine, whom I dumped, if that's the right word to use. A long story). But I also had a fairly productive day, including finishing that electronics project, hopefully. I haven't done a final test on it yet but it should be okay. And no acting out.
 

prasamaccus

Member
Just a short message today I think.

Stayed clean but I've been feeling some anger at times. It's complicated. Playing video games helped a lot, but also isn't a very productive way to spend a lot of time, generally speaking. But the anger thing is kind of a good excuse to chill out a bit.

My electronics project was a success, I gave it a final test.
 

prasamaccus

Member
Okay, unfortunately I have to report my first slip-up since I started this thread, so a nine-day streak came to an end I guess. I could also look at it as "one slip in nine days", and keep on counting the good days, if I like. I find that system helpful sometimes, although I do less day-counting in general at the moment.

I had been getting a lot of urges to check out a p-sub. Also I've been a bit stressed and had the feeling that I can't make any real fundamental changes to my life as they're all doomed to failure and the future kind of doesn't exist anyway (I think I have a form of PTSD, which would explain these kinds of thoughts and feelings). So mostly a P-sub MO but also a little chat (which was rubbish, as it generally is, but still I get urges for it).

I dunno. One good thing you can say about me is, I never stop trying!
 

Biz

Member
Hey how are you, first off I want to say you’re not alone, we’re all trying our best, take it day by day.

secondly what does p sub mean, I’m still building my reboot plan and my working vocab
 

prasamaccus

Member
Hey how are you, first off I want to say you’re not alone, we’re all trying our best, take it day by day.

secondly what does p sub mean, I’m still building my reboot plan and my working vocab

Hi Biz, thanks a lot!

A P-sub is a porn-substitute. It could be something very "innocent", such as a picture of a fully-clothed woman, or it could be a little less innocent. Opinions will vary on what's a P-sub and what's P. And some people will disagree with making any distinction, and they might have a point in one sense, but also I don't think that's totally accurate. I always feel worse if I use "actual" P. Anyway, enough about that lol.

Back to better things.
 

Wolfman

Active Member
Is PMO ever totally gone and done away with? As I've said, I've done 90 day streaks and that kind of thing, but still I'm obviously not totally immune to acting out. Perhaps I'm like a "dry drunk" in some ways. Of course a person could change his lifestyle sufficiently to make it harder and harder for him to relapse, but he might still be prone at certain times. The best laid plans and all that. And I guess some people really do achieve long-term, reliable sobriety. But still they shouldn't be complacent. How are you doing, Wolfman?

Hobbies are definitely great. I do a lot of walking too, which is a great exercise as you don't get easily injured as you do with many other physical activities, so you don't need to take days off to recover. And I live in a hilly area so the walks tend to be quite physical. I'd like to get back into the habit of doing (safe) workouts of whatever kind soon too. I do stuff occasionally but not on a regular basis any more. But yeah, I do plenty of walking and quite a lot of mildly physical work, so I'm fairly fit.

Earlier I did some language learning and felt quite satisfied after doing it. Then I went for a walk and met a couple of people I didn't want to meet, which was awkward. When I got back home I played a video game for rather too long, which was almost certainly a reaction to this social thing (the people I met were the parents of a former "friend" of mine, whom I dumped, if that's the right word to use. A long story). But I also had a fairly productive day, including finishing that electronics project, hopefully. I haven't done a final test on it yet but it should be okay. And no acting out.
Yes, it's a hard thing to relapse after 90 days. I badly relapsed after a year. But somewhere, somehow, something wasn't working that made us vulnerable to relapse. I don't think PMO will ever done away with, but I think we can use it as an opportunity to change ourselves for the better. Porn addiction need not be the end, as it were, but a prelude. I also think that PMO isn't dealt with unless your overall life is in balance. We have the capacity to be gripped and enthusiastic over so many things; like Gabe says in one of his videos, getting rid of PMO is more about introducing new positive things into your life. I remember I once read that a lot US soldiers in Vietnam got addicted to morphine, but once they returned home most of them kind of naturally got off it. Why? I think they got back to good, balanced lives, with family, friends, social commitments, personal projects, work, hobbies, etc. This is the stuff that beats addiction.

I'm doing well, thanks! (Should be updating my own journal either today or tomorrow). I have quit video games for two weeks now and surprisingly feeling very good about it (I thought I would need it as a way to relax and give myself something instead of porn, but I think there are better ways to relax--especially now it's summer and the weather is nice.)

I just read about your relapse, prasamaccus. Don't be beat down, take it as something that just will happen. Reflect and learn from it. (Personally, I think P-sub is not a good idea.)
 

prasamaccus

Member
Yes, it's a hard thing to relapse after 90 days. I badly relapsed after a year. But somewhere, somehow, something wasn't working that made us vulnerable to relapse. I don't think PMO will ever done away with, but I think we can use it as an opportunity to change ourselves for the better. Porn addiction need not be the end, as it were, but a prelude. I also think that PMO isn't dealt with unless your overall life is in balance. We have the capacity to be gripped and enthusiastic over so many things; like Gabe says in one of his videos, getting rid of PMO is more about introducing new positive things into your life. I remember I once read that a lot US soldiers in Vietnam got addicted to morphine, but once they returned home most of them kind of naturally got off it. Why? I think they got back to good, balanced lives, with family, friends, social commitments, personal projects, work, hobbies, etc. This is the stuff that beats addiction.

I'm doing well, thanks! (Should be updating my own journal either today or tomorrow). I have quit video games for two weeks now and surprisingly feeling very good about it (I thought I would need it as a way to relax and give myself something instead of porn, but I think there are better ways to relax--especially now it's summer and the weather is nice.)

I just read about your relapse, prasamaccus. Don't be beat down, take it as something that just will happen. Reflect and learn from it. (Personally, I think P-sub is not a good idea.)

It's hard to relapse after 90 days, but on the other hand, what a great success for anyone to do 90 days, or 60 days, or 30 days, or whatever! But it can be hard to see that when you've just relapsed. And admittedly, I slipped up again today, mostly with chat.

Yeah I heard that one about the soldiers coming back from Vietnam. I wonder if that happened to soldiers nowadays, would they recover from addiction so well.. And I don't blame these theoretical soldiers, I blame the many complications of modern life, even though I know things were far from perfect back then too. Hmm.

Speaking of the nice weather, yeah we're having a heatwave here, which is great but is something else to get accustomed to, which can be a problem for an addict.

Yep, thanks, I like to try and be positive about relapses or resets, or bumps in the road. I discovered an interesting book yesterday, which I might not have discovered if it wasn't for the relapse. I may talk about it sometime.

Yeah P-subs definitely aren't a good idea, at all. A quick and clumsy analogy, if you're quitting smoking, then a P-sub is like a cigarette, while actual P is like a cigar. One is worse but both should be avoided. And a cigarette may lead to craving for a cigar. Or just more cigarettes.

Cool, let's get positive again. I don't have to be unrealistically positive, but I need to be fairly positive nonetheless!
 

Wolfman

Active Member
Nobody can know the future, but we can have certain attitudes towards it. We can be pessimistic, but what does that mean in our context of PMO recovery? That means that we won't ever recover and so we're fearful. I think PMO recovery and pessimism is a contradiction. We're here because we believe our future does not include PMO, and so we must be optimistic. But isn't a blind optimism, or just wishful thinking, it is a strength of faith in our powers today, tomorrow and every day to come that we will have the courage to stave this thing off and reform ourselves to become who we want to be. Again, nobody can know what will happen in the future, but it seems to me that the path of fear is excluded by us being here. We're already courageous, but what we need is to be more of what we already are, that is, more courage.

(We could be on PMO recovery out of fear, out of fear of ruining our life, but I don't think that's a good source of motivation in the long run. Fear is good in small bursts, not as a continuous, because that is terror. Continuous courage, on the other hand, I think is freedom.)

I'm definitely positive, in the courageous sense. And I think you are too, prasamaccus.
 
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