On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again

Dannybou

Active Member
That sucks mate. Maybe you can do something to clear your head, like go for a walk or meet a friend. You can get out of the pit!
 
Day 1

I'm back on road again, again.
Had a pretty strong urge today. Only thing that stopped me was no easy access to porn.
I've put a pin on my porn blockers now so I can't change any settings easily.

I'm also going to try and exercise as often as possible.
I was miserable for a couple of days and it led me down masturbation road.
Went to the gym this morning and that unhappiness really dissipated quite quickly and I think it helps me not feel so hopeless.
 
Struggling to get past a couple of days right now.
I've slipped back into a feeling of hopelessness and the reasons for why I wanted to stop PMO has lost its importance somewhat.

I can't seem to control my urges to watch porn right now.
I think I might reread YBOP. Hoping it may reignite something.
 
Day 6

Alright. I'm back on the horse baby.

It's not been easy. I am very much getting urges quite frequently at the moment and I am finding it hard to focus on other things to take my mind of it.

Going to make a huge effort to try and reach the one week mark once again.
 
Just reading through some others post, I find it interesting how some people have the will power to just stop looking at porn and others don't.

I know that my will power is strong enough to, most of the time, convince myself that PMO is a bad idea.

However, I understand that this thing slips now and again. I am human and these urges for sex are natural but just misplaced in an unhealthy addiction to wanking to internet porn. Because of this I've got pretty extensive blockers on my internet access. I can't even watch age restricted videos on YouTube!

I guess in some ways I am sacrificing my freedom on the internet in order to try and rid myself of this damaging affliction that is porn addiction.
Definitely not the worst sacrifice imo.
 
Day 7

Wheeey made it a week!
Had to lock my phone a few hours ago because I was getting urges, but I've resisted and I'm all the more happy for it.

I've been skirting around the edges of my porn blockers without putting much thought into what I was doing.
It's like I went into auto pilot and it's only after I realised nothing could come of the searches, I could pull myself away from my laptop.

Big time cravings. Got a big uni deadline coming up so that should keep my mind occupied.
 
Day 8

Still skirting round the edges of my porn blockers. It's not productive and I think in time it might lead to a slip up so I need to get it under control.
I tend to find some soft core material, add it to my block list on my porn blockers, then find some more and repeat the process.
In a way, I am slowly removing PMO temptation from the internet, but it's definitely not a good idea to do.
It gets my brain and my dick all amped up for porn and then nothing happens and it's a let down (for both).
 
Relapsed. Twice.
Because of this I've got pretty extensive blockers on my internet access. I can't even watch age restricted videos on YouTube!

I guess in some ways I am sacrificing my freedom on the internet in order to try and rid myself of this damaging affliction that is porn addiction.
Definitely not the worst sacrifice imo.
Yeah porn blockers do fuck all if you have two laptops and one doesn't have the blockers on it 😞

Do I want to stop watching porn? I don't even know at this point.

I've been writing and removing paragraphs for about 20 minutes now.
None of my words seem to convey my emotions accurately. I'm just going to write and stop when I feel like it.
I've slipped back into a feeling of hopelessness
Back here again.
'If you're always going to be unhappy, why not just have wank? There's no point in trying to stop wanking when you know you're always going to come back to it'

Thinking in absolutes really affects me and the way I view things. It's one of those things that I know is irrational but it doesn't change anything. The longer I live, the more I realise everything I do and every thought I have is geared towards maintaining control of myself and my surroundings. I don't bother with people too much because I can't control them. Maybe I'm being to harsh on myself here. This journal is a bit of contrast to other peoples journals that are full of positivity and just from reading those, you can tell they believe they can stop wanking.

Not sure if I believe I can stop.
my self control is in the toilet.

Bit of an incoherent ramble. My head is full of unhelpful thoughts right now and it's kind of cathartic spewing them online.
 

Dannybou

Active Member
Don't give in to those feelings of hopelessness mate, you can get past them. Probably a good idea to set up the blockers on both laptops haha. But they didn't work as well when I'd tried them because I'd always find a way around them.

Do you exercise regularly? I've found that it really helps in getting me in the right frame of mind. I end up entering a haze and spiralling a bit if I don't do it for long enough. It's kind of like replacing one addiction with another, but as far as addictions go this one is pretty positive.

You can also try the supplement N-acetyl cysteine. Here's a post someone wrote on it. Of course please do your own research/ I'm obviously not qualified to give medical advice. But 600 mg a day helped reduce the strength of my cravings at least, which means that it took less willpower to abstain from porn. Your dosage may vary if you were to take it.

Good luck!
 
Don't give in to those feelings of hopelessness mate, you can get past them. Probably a good idea to set up the blockers on both laptops haha. But they didn't work as well when I'd tried them because I'd always find a way around them.

Do you exercise regularly? I've found that it really helps in getting me in the right frame of mind. I end up entering a haze and spiralling a bit if I don't do it for long enough. It's kind of like replacing one addiction with another, but as far as addictions go this one is pretty positive.

You can also try the supplement N-acetyl cysteine. Here's a post someone wrote on it. Of course please do your own research/ I'm obviously not qualified to give medical advice. But 600 mg a day helped reduce the strength of my cravings at least, which means that it took less willpower to abstain from porn. Your dosage may vary if you were to take it.

Good luck!
I'm slowly realising that I need to exercise everyday.
I remember watching a documentary on depression and it was described as a bucket that fills up and some people buckets have smaller capacity but things such as exercise and a good diet increases the capacity of their buckets.

Think I've got a small bucket but it's something I've got to deal with and PMO is not a way to deal with it.

I'm kinda of reluctant to try supplements but I'll look at the research behind.

Thanks for your comment.
 

Dannybou

Active Member
I'm slowly realising that I need to exercise everyday.
I remember watching a documentary on depression and it was described as a bucket that fills up and some people buckets have smaller capacity but things such as exercise and a good diet increases the capacity of their buckets.

Think I've got a small bucket but it's something I've got to deal with and PMO is not a way to deal with it.

I'm kinda of reluctant to try supplements but I'll look at the research behind.

Thanks for your comment.
You're welcome mate. You don't need supplements if you don't want to take them. Exercise, cold showers, sleep and a healthy diet go a long way.

Remember that the same parts of your brain experience pleasure and pain, and constantly tries to achieve balance between the two. If you're chasing pleasure through PMO then you're inevitably going to get pain through feeling guilt, tiredness, pied, etc.

Conversely accepting that bit of pain of being disciplined through exercise, cold showers, eating good food etc. will bring you a lot more pleasure in the long run.

Good luck
 
Thanks for your comments guys.

Day 5

Since I made the decision that I am going to exercise everyday, I have had improved control over my impulses.
Haven't been that inclined to watch porn, and when the thought of porn enters my mind, it's importance is diminished.
I'm going to try and keep up with the daily exercise as long as possible.
Might get in half decent shape as well :)

Onwards and upwards.
 
Day 7

Still going strong.
Daily exercise is keeping me in line.

However, the past couple nights my guard has dropped and I've been fantasising about porn when I've been trying to get to sleep.
I haven't been masturbating at all to such thoughts but it's still not a good idea to do.
Just need to distract myself or try and focus on something else.
It's the type of thing that squeezes its way past your guard and reduces your self control so I need to try and stop the thoughts as best as I can.
 
Day 9

Very close call today.
I was getting curious again and I googled a pornstars name on my phone.
Somehow the blocker had lost some functionality and the internet was no longer porn free so PornHub popped up immediately and I clicked, as you would.

I was scrolling for like 2-3 minutes and started to get a stroke on and I stopped myself.
Went to the app, fixed the functionality issue and watched some YouTube to distract myself while my dick started to go down.

It's mental the hardness my dick gets to porn. It's like fucking concrete.

Anyways, I didn't PMO, which is my goal here so the streak is continuing.

My curiosity is really going to do me in one of these days. I've got to stop trying to test my porn blockers and just use them as a last resort.
 
I've been reiterating to myself that having a wank is just momentary pleasure. It does not solve any problems and actually perpetuates some of them that I'm trying to overcome.

Saying that to myself seems to help.
 
Back to day 0.

I always falter after I post some pseudo helpful advice that I realise myself one day and completely ignore the same advice the next day.

Gonna try and not be all doom and gloom about it. I'll probably relapse more if I get all unhappy about the situation.

On to the next streak I guess..
 

Dannybou

Active Member
Mate just don't enter into a cycle of bingeing on porn now. It's fine if you mess up, but you've got to get back on track asap!

I remember how every time I'd relapse I'd tell myself that my streak is gone anyway, so I might as well 'enjoy it' and binge. It's bullshit, and it only made me feel worse and delayed my recovery.

Focus on keeping up with the exercise
 
21 days :)

Things are going well.

On other, less positive note...
I should probably start thinking seriously about rewiring but I feel it's too big of a step for me.
Even before puberty I held this deeply seeded belief that a girl would never like me for who I am and I would always be alone.
As a result, I have fulfilled my own prophecy by making sure I am not in contact with any women that I find attractive.
It's gotten progressively worse as I've paved my career path into engineering where there are very few women.
My subconscious is fist pumping the air as I gradually cut ties with any girls I had any sort of connection with.

It's got to the point where I would have panic attacks if I was getting ready to go to a club with some mates and end up being sick on myself amongst other things, just because there was a chance of interacting with girls in a flirtatious way that could lead to something sexual. The idea that I could have sex makes my mind ruminate in a concoction of self degradation and all sorts of fears to the point where I just cannot handle it anymore. It's like a visceral reaction that I currently have no control over at the moment.

My counsellor has suggested giving online dating a chance, but even that sort of terrifies me.
I don't really want proof that my looks are a problem when I always thought it was my personality and general view of the world that always hindered me.

However, I do think it's probably time I tried to fight against these fears and did something about it.
 
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