Addicted to PMO 10+ years before real sex

[canguro]

Hey man, happy to hear from you again, I was wondering how you are doing!
I, too, am seeing changes regarding my social anxiety and it's great, isn't it? I really want to socialise, before I just wanted to avoid social contact and fap lonely in my flat =D
What does your so say to slowing things down again sexually? I think a no-drunken-sex rule would be beneficial, as it is propably important to have positive experiences for the rewiring (obviously).

 

[PeteSL]

Yeah, also bad night sleep impacts erection quite well.
And being hungry.
And when it's too cold or too hot.

Fkn erection, wish there was a little blue button you push when you need it to be super hard.

Maybe the best course of action is to wait everything out and have full on sex only when totally healed. This way one does not risk losing confidence and throwing it all away from a few missteps.. I feel in this stage of the reboot PIV is totally possible, but only in a very controlled environment and response from the partner.. there is just too much sensitivity to all these damn erection killers

Makes you think, since this is precisely how we trained our minds with P... for needing a totally controlled setup/scenario, controlling what part we watch anytime etc.., while sex in reality is much more freeform and spontaneous...

 

[PeteSL]

Hey man, happy to hear from you again, I was wondering how you are doing!
I, too, am seeing changes regarding my social anxiety and it's great, isn't it? I really want to socialise, before I just wanted to avoid social contact and fap lonely in my flat =D
What does your so say to slowing things down again sexually? I think a no-drunken-sex rule would be beneficial, as it is propably important to have positive experiences for the rewiring (obviously).

Social anxiety is one of the greatest battles, and it seems to go well. For me, the greatest difference is definitely the tolerance to failure/upsetting someone. It used to be overwhelming for me to have disagreements so I would just stay silent. Now that this has weakened, I find it much easier to speak my mind and express myself, in various settings. I am not impervious to negative comments and such, but it is much more controllable, and feels good!

Good point you are making there... Bad rewiring is a bad, bad idea..
For the time being I am trying to sneak sex in earlier within the day where alcohol has not crept about yet, and after the deed we can drink as much as she wants or whatever... but failing..
A talk may be necessary.. but she has been so happy since we started having real sex, and putting her back into "control yourself" mode, is sure to bring out some of the problems we were facing the previous months..


Rushed it a bit, gained some successes and confidence, but these issues were to be expected as a follow-up

 

[PeteSL]

Day 87
So today, on the world's most unexpected triggers:

Hurt my hand in the gym and had to immobilize it in a cast. So right when I sat in front of a computer and tried to type, for the first time in 3 months, I typed on the keyboard with one hand.. Weeeell my brain instantly got in the zone.

The reboot gets funny sometimes. it is just crazy what variety of actions and things we have associated with this addiction....

 

[PeteSL]

This is a post full of negativity. I am not in a good mind state..

Day 93
Here I am, having completed the "basic package" of 90 days reboot.
This comes with an important, albeit heartbreaking, realization.

In the previous days I had the best 2 sex sessions until now. Left alcohol out of it of course, and it worked..
Had PIV for something like 30 consecutive minutes. Very passionate and there was the best connection until now. I enjoyed it very much at the time, and also right now I understand that it was beautiful. Penis sensitivity has gotten a lot better, PIV feels like sex now...

So there I go today. I should be happy.
But I am not. In fact I feel depressed. On the one hand, it is because of a fight we had previously to the sex. We did come to a "conclusion" of sorts and, obviously, for us to have sex afterwards, it was not a deal-breaker, but I do not seem to have the emotional infrastructure to deal with it. I do not know shit about relationships, being loveless for so much of my adult life, and it shows. My brain clings to the bad things said right then.

Secondly, I fear that the PMO sickness is so much a part of me that it exists deep within my mental patterns. It does not let me feel satisfied and complete from actual sex, in any way possible. Initially it tried with PIED, and now it throws at me all sorts of negative thoughts regarding sex. My brain will focus on the "need for more" constantly. Or the need for "perfection".
Yeah you had sex but why can't you go on for an hour. In porn they do. you are useless
Why didn't you make her have 20something orgasms in a row? In porn they do. you are useless
Why have a gf when you need to deal with emotional issues, fights and so on? Porn is always available.

I feel it is trying to pull me back in the addiction.

I understand that these are irrational, crazy thoughts, but I can't help them. I have used P for so long that they automatically pop up. I have to deal with this stuff now as well, apart from the P urges.. It goes along with the P concept of always needing "more" to satisfy oneself.

I also feel even worse given that I have shown positive signs towards recovery from very early on, and I still focus on the negative, like an ungrateful piece of shit...

I wish I had never touched this P nightmare.. I do have my issues, it is evident, but I can't help but see how P and these deep insecurities work together to keep one depressed.

 

[Crysler]

Yeah you had sex but why can't you go on for an hour. In porn they do. you are useless
Why didn't you make her have 20something orgasms in a row? In porn they do. you are useless
Why have a gf when you need to deal with emotional issues, fights and so on? Porn is always available.

I've also had this kind of thoughts.
But, you see - real life is not like porn.
In porn, most often they don't have any orgasm at all (especially girls).

Bout orgasms of your GF, is about her - not about you.
My GF can have orgasm with me even without my penis inside her, or even my penis inside her but when he sleeps (yeah ).
Orgasm is not about f***ing your GF for an hour in a row, it's about feelings, relationship and understanding what your partner needs.

Most often we don't have orgasm both in one sex session.
Either I have orgasm, or her.
And we do count, like 1:0, then 1:1

Also, it's not a problem for me if I have no orgasm or if my penis will always go to sleep.
She does not angry at me, she will say nothing and understand me.
So because of this, - I'm very calm and does not worry bout this shit.

 

[PeteSL]

I've also had this kind of thoughts.
But, you see - real life is not like porn.
In porn, most often they don't have any orgasm at all (especially girls).

Bout orgasms of your GF, is about her - not about you.
My GF can have orgasm with me even without my penis inside her, or even my penis inside her but when he sleeps (yeah ).
Orgasm is not about f***ing your GF for an hour in a row, it's about feelings, relationship and understanding what your partner needs.

Most often we don't have orgasm both in one sex session.
Either I have orgasm, or her.
And we do count, like 1:0, then 1:1

Also, it's not a problem for me if I have no orgasm or if my penis will always go to sleep.
She does not angry at me, she will say nothing and understand me.
So because of this, - I'm very calm and does not worry bout this shit.

It is a lot more healthier way of thinking, what you are describing.
Real life is not Porn indeed.., it is just that the brain needs to fully get it..
As I said, I logically understand that this is the way to go.
But when I am overwhelmed by negative emotion, these P-inspired thoughts prevail.

My head is much more clearer today, but anticipating more bursts of negativity the next days..

 

[PeteSL]

Day 100
Wow I never thought I could have made it to 100 days without watching P. This thought itself gives me some optimism.
Slept together with my so without having sex some days ago, since she was completely exhausted, and damn I was hard all night. No touch no anything. Just being close to her in a relaxed state made me 100% hard. Stayed up all night just to enjoy the feeling lol... Although it is an awkward feeling to have an erection for so many hours, still...
Such things are really milestones for me. Some months ago not even the most wicked P could give me an erection...
We had a good laugh about this in the morning and had sex.
I still have those depressing thoughts shared on the previous posts though. The damage is deep. I have an imbalanced understanding of sex, from all those years of P use.
P flashbacks, urges and P-related dreams have returned with quite some force. As previously, always centred around P-stars I used to obsess over. Probably connected to my recent burst of negative emotions. The brain most likely tries to persuade me to "feel better" by turning back to the addition. Still not overwhelmed to return to P, but one should keep an eye out, since all it takes is a bad day...

 

[PeteSL]

Day 101
Something interesting happened today.
I had a really bad outcome at work. The kind that would send me right into a psychological abyss of no self confidence if it had happened anytime in the past.
But I felt weirdly at ease. Got together the things that were at fault and just approached it coldly. Also noticed that there is less "residue" of bad feelings. As the time passed after the event, I got my shit together quite fast, within an hour or so.
I said at some of my previous posts that failure at work does not seem so daunting some months into the reboot, so I take more risks.
I used to be absolutely terrified of such things given the social anxiety. Kinda do not recognize myself lol.
Really like this attribute and hoping that it is not just a coincidence, but it is indeed increased social resilience from abstaining.

 

[PeteSL]

Day 105
I had a dream that I relapsed today. very vivid dream damn it.. and the whole session felt so realistic... my brain remembers even tiny details of the layout of the damn P-stream sites...
But it generally went well this week. Had some very good PIV sex. The P dreams are back it seems, every other day or so, but I manage to keep it steady. There is a bit of a push to turn back to the addiction but it is all ok for the time being..

Something weird but really simple that I find that helps me with erections lol: Having the sex room's lights on....
I am so much used to only visual stimulus for the general feeling of horniness.. Of course real sex is predominantly the other senses like smell taste touch etc.., but the years of P led to visual stimulus being so overpowering..
So when lights are off or the room is generally darker, it definitely is more intimate for my partner, but my PMO-fed brain is used to the scenes where there was perfect lighting or so.. and one could see everything.. Then, not being able to see clearly all the body parts does not help my brain understand that we are in a "stimulation" mode.
So it is another helpful addition to battle the PIED, for me at least.

But I still need this "control" over the setting.. reminding of how one fully controls their PMO session. I need to get my brain used to spontaneous sex.

Leaving for a trip with the lady tomorrow.. let's see how this will affect the reboot and our sexual life..

 

[canguro]

Hey, I would really like to hear how you are doing mate! =) Is everything fine?

 

[PeteSL]

Day 148
I’m in a dark place.. Couldn’t post here often, don’t want to continuously post negative things.

I’ve had some sex this time, with mixed outcomes. Sometimes it goes great and I even last quite satisfactorily long (30 min+). But I’ve had sessions of nearly pre-reboot PIED, particularly when I am in a bad mood. Sex was very good in the trip, I guess I let myself free a bit and it showed.. I have MW some days, particularly 4-5 days after the last O.

Right after returning from my trip, a massive a shitstorm occurred from many sides. I am having very difficult problems both with work and with my so (we are just steps before to breaking up from what it seems..). There is a lot of things going wrong and the blame is put right on me from everyone..

The whole meaning of my reboot case all comes down to this:

Recovery signs are possible even just a month in. Even for cases like mine, of “severe PIED”. It just needs a very disciplined reboot.

But it is very hard to navigate the reboot through other harsh problems in life.

There is a strong chance that I will be jobless and single some weeks from now.

The reboot continues though, I still have a great aversion towards P and what it did to my life.. I’ll try my best to continue my reboot despite all this happening but it is going to get nasty… Don’t know how I’m going to keep it steady then…

Many thanks @canguro for remembering to check me. Hope we all get through this..

 

[canguro]

I shit man, I really wish you the power to go through this big pile of crap without relapsing and making everything worse!
Always remember what porn did to you. The bad times will pass, but when you go back to porn they will continue far longer! Don't give up bro!
And come back here, even if you are just writing negative things, this can help process it and is not such a bad way to deal with problems...