Walking on the Water

JerryTX

Active Member
Should be, 032

Well, the best laid plans I suppose. Not a great weekend at all and maybe I'm attempting too much at the same time. Friday I ran a few searches, but didn't stay with it. Saturday I finally MO'd and then again Sunday. Saturday night I had a migraine so bad I considered calling 911 and I don't have migraines. I usually drink diet coke/pepsi, but I've been attempting to "begin" a water fast and failing miserably... Well the one thing I had been successful at was dropping all sweeteners real and artificial. So even though I was only intermittently fasting, I was only drinking water. I tell you what there are moments I'd like to throw my hands up, but we struggle on. I am now past the artificial sweetener/caffeine hump, so that's one thing accomplished. I tell you what I really thought I might be stroking out, but as I sat in the dark, trying to "self evaluate" saturday night, I realized it was spasmatic and not local to any specific area. Matter of fact my brain was sore all day sunday. Imagine removing your brain from your skull and using it for a speed bag at the gym. That's how my brain felt, no thank you, I want no more of that. To continue this reboot and not reset the counter to me feels dishonest and even though the P and the MO weren't together I think I did enough that I want a fresh start. Reaching 90 from here to me would feel dishonest. I suppose I could blame it on stress, fasting, dieting, wife still sick, parents still crazy, debt still unbelievable, but the truth is it comes down to me and my choices. So there it is, today we begin anew.

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During my journey at 112 days I lapsed and viewed a video for about 1 minute, turned it off and MO'd to the image. So I started over. Also during those 112 days I MO'd 5 times usually after sex with the wife (chaser effect) but no P. I am not necessarily counting days as much as trying to continue to improve without any MO this time around. Dang it has been a challenge but all is good. I also at times during my journey wanted to do the same -throw my hands up and just PMO, but I know I have built a strong foundation and that is not the man I am anymore. You do you and Grace and Peace brother!
 

Artemus

Active Member
During my journey at 112 days I lapsed and viewed a video for about 1 minute, turned it off and MO'd to the image. So I started over. Also during those 112 days I MO'd 5 times usually after sex with the wife (chaser effect) but no P. I am not necessarily counting days as much as trying to continue to improve without any MO this time around. Dang it has been a challenge but all is good. I also at times during my journey wanted to do the same -throw my hands up and just PMO, but I know I have built a strong foundation and that is not the man I am anymore. You do you and Grace and Peace brother!
Thank you, it means alot you guys encouraging me so much. Be well, lets get this done.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
To continue this reboot and not reset the counter to me feels dishonest and even though the P and the MO weren't together I think I did enough that I want a fresh start.

Hey, brother. Sorry for your recent struggles. I'm very well aware of going down that road, skirting around the rim of the porn-pit, and then getting more brazen, doing actual searches, seeing the thumbnails, etc...

It was funny, last night I wondered how many days I'd have if I continued on since November 6, 2020, when I accomplished 139 days by March 25..., I'd be now at 290 today!

But we know ourselves. Starting fresh at 0 often times gives us that fresh and new approach. It helps us to marshal our focus, our resolve, and assess our methods...

You know, too, that it's not truly '0', but part of your overall recovery efforts. For example, I could say to myself, in the last 290 days, I've only lapsed (counted as days) 5x! Each of those meant a reset, but you can see that in the bigger picture, it shows much progress from where I was at (1-2x a week, at least).

Be strong, brother. Walking this out together with you.
 

Artemus

Active Member
Hey, brother. Sorry for your recent struggles. I'm very well aware of going down that road, skirting around the rim of the porn-pit, and then getting more brazen, doing actual searches, seeing the thumbnails, etc...

It was funny, last night I wondered how many days I'd have if I continued on since November 6, 2020, when I accomplished 139 days by March 25..., I'd be now at 290 today!

But we know ourselves. Starting fresh at 0 often times gives us that fresh and new approach. It helps us to marshal our focus, our resolve, and assess our methods...

You know, too, that it's not truly '0', but part of your overall recovery efforts. For example, I could say to myself, in the last 290 days, I've only lapsed (counted as days) 5x! Each of those meant a reset, but you can see that in the bigger picture, it shows much progress from where I was at (1-2x a week, at least).

Be strong, brother. Walking this out together with you.
You nailed it. In times past or maybe its more accurate to say, "In my earlier efforts". In my previous endeavors it would devastate me to have to start over, first I'd stumble and need to restart and then the shame of restarting would bring on a binge-fest. Now, instead of focusing on shame, which I am ashamed to some degree, in that I am responsible, but I also know beating myself up about it is counter productive and the truth about it is that this isn't really about numbers of days, its about changing habits and changing hearts. Crying, screaming, binging, gnashing teeth are ALL unproductive, I want to be productive. I've spent far too much of my life making unproductive efforts in vain.

I feel the change taking place in me, even in the midst of my latest fling, the thrill, the excitement was NOT there, I literally had to make it happen. Its stupid just how distasteful to me it was, I mean i'm sitting, watching and I'm thinking to myself just how unenthusing and blah it was to me. In truth it was a lot like eating vegetables as a kid, only the payoff wasn't that it was good for me, quite the opposite. Its kinda reaffirming, in that I use to feel compelled to partake in this behavior and now it takes work and effort and is flavorless. What happened I believe was I let myself get so overwrought about the intimate pause my wife and I are being forced to endure that I fixated on that until I just was willing to try anything. Lesson learned.

So if yesterday was step #1 of a thousand miles that makes today step...

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Artemus

Active Member
Good Morning Men,

Feel good, kinda aware of my junk this morning, like the blood flow is increased. Feel solid, not really up or down, just even in mood. Had a good moment with my wife this morning. For a while now its bugged me that whenever we get together in the evening to watch TV, she pulls out her phone to play games. It bugs me when this happens, but I've only ever inquired as to why without being harsh or judgemental. Her response to it is that it relaxes her and she has a stressful job. She does, so I just let it play out. I pray about it and gently try to engage with her, but I don't throw down or make a big issue. Because of my battle with PMO and the fact I use to be a pretty heavy gamer/hacker, which took away from our time together and she was mostly supportive and let me work through that. I finally one day about 1-1/2 years ago, threw out my gaming PC and deleted my games from my other machine as well, zero games. Doing that was the beginning of me seeing and dealing with my habit of distracting myself from uncomfortable emotions.

Well this morning as I was dropping her off at work, outta the blue, she says she doesn't like how much time she spends with her phone instead of being with me and that she wants to change that. I said there were lots of things we could do: Cards, Board Games, Movie, Sex...🤔 Of course she laughed and we made plans to see what kind of trouble we could get into later.😬 Thanks guys for sticking with me.

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Artemus

Active Member
Working on projects around house, wife is home and healthy. Have a good weekend. If you are a Christian such as myself I'd ask you pray for our Country and especially for the people being abandoned in Afghanistan. I never was in favor of going over there and I believe we stayed far too long, but literally cutting and running in the middle of the night like cowards is unforgivable. The scar left on the world by these actions will remain for generations. I have my own opinions on why this was done that I won't share here publicly, but I will say I have wept many times over the last several days imagining the horrors these people are facing who were needlessly abandoned behind enemy lines.

In 1842 The British were forced to retreat from Kabul, Afghanistan. 4,500 British troops and 12,000 civilians retreated back towards India(Jalalabad), they all would not make it, only 1 man emerged from the retreat initially... Much later on some hostages were rescued and/or released, though not many.

Afghanistan, "The Graveyard of Empires".

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Artemus

Active Member
Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're a fool in love
Sometimes you're the louisville slugger
Sometimes you're the ball
Sometimes it all comes together baby
Sometimes you're going to lose it all

Dire Straits - 1991


Well sports fans its day 10, that above was an excerpt from the song, "The Bug" off Dire Straits 1991 album. I have news, not necessarily good or bad, just news. I myself work from home as a day trader of sorts in the stock market, that's not really accurate to what I do, but people know that term so I use it when I meet people. Its not easy, takes many hours of research to make it pay and during my time doing it I've been wiped out twice, but I consider those setbacks the cost of my education. At this time I have not faltered and actually have become much more consistent, but my account is small right now and I'm rebuilding it. Over the past 5 years I had to dip into my account to make ends meet while I helped an injured/ill family member keep his business afloat. He had injured his back, he's a an auto mechanic and his partner skipped out on him. I became his arms and legs and did the work. Earlier this year he finally retired and closed his shop and I came home to set about rebuilding.

My wife works as a nurse in a woman's prison and recently they were notified that they were being taken over by a new contractor. My wife was diagnosed several years ago with an auto-immune disorder and as such gets sick alot. We made the decision several months ago, based on the evidence we'd seen, our own medical knowledge/history and the statistics involved that we would NOT under any circumstance take the Covid-Vax. At first this new contractor looked like it was going to be a blessing, but today was day 1 and as my wife tried to clock in the new system, it wanted to know if she was vax'd and if not, did she have permission to be there... This was upsetting for my wife to say the least, she and the rest of the medical staff have ALL already decided that none are going to take these vaccines, so we don't know where this is gonna go. We've expected this could become a reality with the current political climate and the tyrannical nature of our current regime. To say I don't have twinges of fear would be a lie, I've never missed a single payment on any of our debt/bills, but if they decide to play hardball this has the potential to wipe us out financially and professionally for my wife.

On the one hand I do have flashes of concern and fear, but I'm over all, also peaceful. I know what ever lays ahead its in God's hands. Back in 2008 when everything crashed I could've thrown in the towel then and filled for bankruptcy like so many others, but we didn't. I believe in paying my own debts and I wanted to do it because I thought it was the right thing to do. I'm not knocking anyone who's had to go that route, it happens and sometimes its out of your hands and that may be what happens to us. I hope not. Anyway with everything that's been going on, the utter atrocity of the Afghanistan debacle and the knowledge of some of what already going on over there, I find it hard to think on my problems. Even though I've just spent 2+ paragraphs describing our situation, it all just seems minuscule compared to those left behind over there. I've heard some interviews with the families of those 13 servicemen killed last week, how young they were and how utterly despicable Biden was during they're meetings and how insincere his cold pre-packaged statements were, focusing on the death of his own son instead of what they were needlessly enduring.

Its day 10, but the urge feels an infinity away as I consider today. Pray for our country, our world and for those in the grip of true despotic evil. If you are inclined to, speak up for the truth, not some bull shit narrative or some faux "messaging", just the truth. Ask God to show you the truth in faith and He will, I know, he did it for me.

"Politics ruins everything" - Viva Frei

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JerryTX

Active Member
Incredible post and I agree with all of it! Our country/world is in such a difficult place from division and heck even seeing segregation. I won't get into all of it as I am sure some would be offended by my views, but what is more disturbing is I respect all views on the situation and can be an adult about it. The "majority" appears that this can't happen. Their way or the highway! Ok I am stopping...

I pray everyday for this country, the division, and what's going on. Revelation is real. Glad your doing well and I appreciate your posts!
 
J

J01

Guest
You would think that when nurses (the backbone and most trustworthy of the medical community) pose objections people would pay attention and consider their arguments.

May God grant you and your wife wisdom and mercy as you deal with this challenging trial.
 

Artemus

Active Member
24 hours. What is it they say, "What a difference a day makes." God is good, tragedy averted. After being told by the timeclock that she may not be allowed to work there, the advisors came in. They said that because in some states where they operate vaccines are mandatory, the system is setup for them and that as long as our state didn't mandate it, there wasn't an issue. Yet. Ironically the advisor also shared that she has a fake vaccine card she carries.(Looking into that) My state is one of the states that handled the CCP-19 bioweapon pretty well, no statewide shutdowns except that first one for 10 days and no mandatory mask. Anyway I digress, she's still able to work and for now that's good.

Me, today I'm tired. A part of me wants some relief, some release, but I still consider those left behind over there. I'm sure they're tired and need relief too, but I'm not so sure they are ever gonna get it. Most people don't know this, but our current Socio/Political/Economic climate maelstrom is part of a dual-cycle intersection. The first is known as,"the Kondratieff Wave", the other is known as the "4th turning". These (2) cycles are both converging and are influencing a lot of the upheaval we are experiencing.

The, "Kondratieff Wave" discovered by a Russian economist assigned to determine when Capitalism would fail. He went back through all known economic and market data world wide up to his present time to see if he could asertain our collapse. Instead what he found was an economic cycle or wave. His waves usually occurre every 50-54 years and the latest one is due to bottom out around 2020-? It was to have begun in 1971. Before I even knew about these waves and cycles during my research I kept running into the year 1971, it just seemed like that year was pivoital on so many levels.(End of Gold Standard).

The second cycle I mentioned was the "4th Turning", this one is a generational cycle discovered by Howe & Strauss. They found that generations are like seasons, there are 4 types: Prophets, Nomads, Hero's and Artist. We are Generation X(Nomad), the Millennials(Hero's) and Gen Z(Artist). This generational cycle's upheaval began around 2005, as our generation was handing things over to the Millenials. We had the "Dot-Com Bubble, 9/11, War on Terror and the 2008 Market Crash" all in that time frame and these guys predicted it back in 1997, wish I'd known about it then. Anyway, if it feels like we are being hit from all sides, we are. Prosperity awaits on the other side once we navigate the rapids. Not sure why but I felt like sharing that.

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JerryTX

Active Member
Great post. I like your analysis and data. I'm in healthcare and we are on the precipitous of an interesting dynamic with "mandates". Hospitals are already stretched thin and experiencing a staff shortage (like all industries when the govt pays you not to work). If they lose even 10% of the staff due to "mandates" it will have a ripple effect on all pieces of patient care. Not wanting to start a debate but this division will be interesting as it plays out in all industries over the next 60 days throughout the US.

Anyway I am feeling good on my latest PMO and no MO journey. We will see where it takes me (and my wife). My drive is much stronger and she does have some health issues. But like you sometimes I want the release but will wait until it's real with her. Even though my fear is it will be so "quick" like a HS kid in the back of a car! :D:oops:. I am also not taking any ED meds as we navigate this and she is aware but if and when we have sex, I know that if my soldier doesn't perform she immediately thinks it's her. This is frustrating as we have discussed this multiple times. Oh well not sure why I wrote this but just thought I woulds share!
 

Artemus

Active Member
Great post. I like your analysis and data. I'm in healthcare and we are on the precipitous of an interesting dynamic with "mandates". Hospitals are already stretched thin and experiencing a staff shortage (like all industries when the govt pays you not to work). If they lose even 10% of the staff due to "mandates" it will have a ripple effect on all pieces of patient care. Not wanting to start a debate but this division will be interesting as it plays out in all industries over the next 60 days throughout the US.

Anyway I am feeling good on my latest PMO and no MO journey. We will see where it takes me (and my wife). My drive is much stronger and she does have some health issues. But like you sometimes I want the release but will wait until it's real with her. Even though my fear is it will be so "quick" like a HS kid in the back of a car! :D:oops:. I am also not taking any ED meds as we navigate this and she is aware but if and when we have sex, I know that if my soldier doesn't perform she immediately thinks it's her. This is frustrating as we have discussed this multiple times. Oh well not sure why I wrote this but just thought I woulds share!
Thanks Jerry,

Thankfully I've only ever had 1 episode where I was inhibited from performing, but I understand the anxiety of not wanting to be unable to ... respond. Yes, healthcare isnt what it use to be, my wife is sometimes adrift as to what her "plan b" would be and she doesn't have an answer. As early as 5 years ago she began working on her Nurse Practitioner degree(She's BS RN) and was shooting out the lights taking online courses through a school in Michigan. Before she began we inquired as to whether she'd ever have to go to Michigan(we live in the southeast) and they assured us, "NO". Halfway thru they suddenly announced she'd have to come to Detroit for a week in the winter for testing... Thats just not doable, so she tried finding a school closer to transfer to and we received a letter saying she was more than qualified, her grades were excellent, but they only had openings for minorities. Same thing happened when we tried to adopt a baby left at the ER where she used to work, "sorry you aren't a minority". Sorry if that offends anyone, but its true. This time we are in now, with rampant anti-white racism has been in the works for a while and thats what it is, racism. Now segregation is being reimposed as well, only the lines are being drawn differently.

Its pretty sad to be our age group and have lived and grown up with social progress, seeing the melting pot work, seeing cultures slowly come together, interracial marriages, seeing every race make their way to prosperity, celebrity, Corporately, politically, only to have some marxist group tear it all down for power. We are witnessing the culmination of Antonio Gramsci’s "long march through the institutions". I know I've gone off into a deeper subject than was meant, but I've decided in todays self silencing culture, that this is no time to hold back. If the mood strikes, then I speak, it is my journal so anyone offended can go there own way. Back to the school deal, so now she has credit for half a degree and is pretty sure she no longer wants the other half. I'm ok with that, but we're still stuck paying for that first half. LOL. I think the changes you and my wife are seeing that are driving people out of healthcare and other professions are by design. Just like Military personnel being forced to take the jab or leave, as well as forcing out those who voted for Trump, its a way to eliminate those who would oppose their authority or speak out when something isnt right. I'm not trying to be a fear monger, but its in our face now and if we don't push back, well...

Your in healthcare so you may already know this about the masks, but most are doing nothing as far as health, but mainly only being a security blanket. I read a scientific study done and the masks most people are wearing and how they are wearing them

is only effective for particles in the 50-200 micron range, where as the CCP-19 virus ranges in size from 1-6 microns. In a perfect situation an "actual" N95 can work, but if I understand correctly you aren't suppose to wear those for extended periods of time. So what that means is all this mask moonieism is bull shit. 99% of the mask being worn are like trying to stop smoke from entering your house by using a screen door. I myself have NOT worn a mask at all and thankfully my area isn't trying to force it. The bug is here, some will get seriously sick, some will die, but the methods used, like most everything else these Marxist do, is Bass-akwards. I even read where just before this all kicked off that the WHO and CDC actually had a strategy in place for dealing with a pandemic, but changed it only months before...

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JerryTX

Active Member
Again correct!! Several mask studies have been published only to be removed or forced to be republished as "hypothesis". I'm serious!!! Cloth masks are like putting up a chain link fence to keep mosquitos out of your yard. PPE needs to be removed often to be effective. People wearing gloves is a whole other story! All the "masks" hanging in cars off the rear view mirrors that are used for days, weeks, months-SMH!😷🤦‍♂️ Your mask knowledge is correct. We've had the "Vid", my son currently has the "Vid"-Feeling better after ivermectin in 48 hours and we have antibodies over 9 months out. Education and common sense is at an all time low. Social media and heck media isn't education. Hospitals have a staffing problem... Do I think Covid is real-Yes, Do I think certain people should get the vaccine-Yes, Do I think certain shouldn't-Yes, Do I believe in natural immunity-Yes, Do I believe you can get Covid if you have had it or the vaccine-Yes. In the history of the US has there ever been a vaccine MANDATE??

I am amazed how people's failure to "adult". Differences of opinions are OK but today's society you can be ostracized for them if it's not the narrative. Ok @Artemus see what you did...LOL got me all fired up on Friday.

GOD Bless this country, this site, and everyone battling the P demon! Prayers to all and I hope everyone has a great Labor Day Weekend!
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hi, Artemus.

The time line is rather interesting how things went even since 2017 (and long before), the moves that were made by the incoming administration, and continuing even after it was well known what kind of bio-weapon we were all facing.

Everyone's hands are 'red' with this one.
 

Artemus

Active Member
Again correct!! Several mask studies have been published only to be removed or forced to be republished as "hypothesis". I'm serious!!! Cloth masks are like putting up a chain link fence to keep mosquitos out of your yard. PPE needs to be removed often to be effective. People wearing gloves is a whole other story! All the "masks" hanging in cars off the rear view mirrors that are used for days, weeks, months-SMH!😷🤦‍♂️ Your mask knowledge is correct. We've had the "Vid", my son currently has the "Vid"-Feeling better after ivermectin in 48 hours and we have antibodies over 9 months out. Education and common sense is at an all time low. Social media and heck media isn't education. Hospitals have a staffing problem... Do I think Covid is real-Yes, Do I think certain people should get the vaccine-Yes, Do I think certain shouldn't-Yes, Do I believe in natural immunity-Yes, Do I believe you can get Covid if you have had it or the vaccine-Yes. In the history of the US has there ever been a vaccine MANDATE??

I am amazed how people's failure to "adult". Differences of opinions are OK but today's society you can be ostracized for them if it's not the narrative. Ok @Artemus see what you did...LOL got me all fired up on Friday.

GOD Bless this country, this site, and everyone battling the P demon! Prayers to all and I hope everyone has a great Labor Day Weekend!
@JerryTX, I don't care who you are that's funny!
@Phineas 808, Red hands indeed.
@Cmax, Yes a crime for sure.

Thanks men, I really enjoyed hearing from you, hope you all have a good labor day weekend.
 

Artemus

Active Member

 

GN1

New Member

Called to Be Holy​


13 Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 14 As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, 15 but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, 16 since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”

This was part of my reading this morning and it seemed appropriate to me. I identify a lot with Peter. Y'all have a great day!

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Hi Artemus. I'm new on this site (joined 3 - 4 weeks ago) and this is my first post. Like you, I'm 51 and have been hooked on porn since around 12. Tried to give up millions of times - you know the gig. Tomorrow will be day 9 of no PMO/MO so please keep me in your prayers, thanks. Anyway, I've noticed there's loads of believers on RN, you being one of them. I also am a born again believer. I really just wanted to point you to AOC Network on YouTube and the 2 witnesses movie they released a while back. Eschatology/Book of Revelation was never my thing as it always seemed so far into the future but man, their video came up on my feed 2 weeks ago and it completely changed my outlook on the future. I'll stop there otherwise Gabe will kick me off the forum for talking about Jesus too much lol. God Bless.
 
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