Walking on the Water

Artemus

Active Member
Hi All,

Right after that last update, "we", me and my wife finally got CCP-19 and I got pneumonia as well, knocked me on my arse. I was coughing up blood and blowing it from my nose as well and barely able to walk short distances. By the time I saw the doc I was already 10 days sick because an ice storm shut things down for a few days. The doc wanted to put me in the hospital straight away, but I declined as I believe the protocols being used hurt more than they help and I refused to let them kill me. Instead I asked for an antibiotic injection Rocephin and he put me on Leviquin and Molnupiravir as well. Thankfully I also had prepared in advance and had Ivermectin kits(Zivardo) at home. The next day after the shot I already felt some better, but every time I coughed up the blood I'd have a vagal response and no matter where I was I just had to lay down and wait for it to pass.

I'm good now, still get weak a little to often for my liking but I feel good. I've had pneumonia 1 other time and it was the sickest I'd been up to now. Honestly I think the pneumonia was my chief problem this time, I just waited too long to see the doc due to weather conditions. My wife is struggling though, with fatigue, brain fog and memory issues. I took her back to doc this week and they concluded after some tests that it is "Post-Covid Syndrome". She's gonna try and go back to work monday, but I told her not to try and be tough and that if she needs to leave early to do it. Fauci & Friends need to be prosecuted for crimes against humanity, evil bastard.

Oh yeah I forgot to mention, that Molnupiravir was wild. Its some new drug meant to trick the virus RNA into replicating incorrectly so that it self destructs. The prescription was for 5 days but I only took it 3-1/2. First the capsules are oddly shaped and taste like a rubber dish washing glove. YUK! Second, within an hour of me taking it my organs would begin to twitch and spasm, felt like my internals were trading places and rearranging themselves. Obviously I know they weren't, but that's how it felt and so since I was taking so many other things that I had more faith in, I discontinued at 3-1/2 days. My wife went the whole 5 without issue.

Later
 
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JerryTX

Active Member
First great to hear from you. Second, so sorry you all had to go through that! I am glad to hear you both are feeling better now. Prayers to you and your wife for continued health improvement!
 

Artemus

Active Member
I had a dream the other night, it was strange and it felt real. Like a lot of dreams the details were hazy and over time fade even more. Even with the lack of clarity I had the most profound feeling that it was a message of sorts, a warning if you will. All I can see is a counter on what appears to be a computer screen, a white background with large black numbers and the number "9,340" at bottom left. Below the screen is a digital box with a singular word in blue flashing, "Purging". As I looked at it I knew in my gut that this was my number, a number somehow associated with my PMO. There wasn't anyone there to tell me or instruct me, I just knew it and that I'd better quit messing about. Enough was enough, no more peaking, no testing, no searching, no more nothing. It felt very serious and I woke up feeling like a frightened child who'd been scolded. I'm shaking a bit as I type this, fear and trembling I suppose. That's all.
 

Artemus

Active Member
Its been a minute, today is "Good Friday" and I feel pretty good all things considered(Globally-Politically). Man the stress has been unbelievable, I mean the last 2 years especially, but ramping up from I'd say the end of 2007 when the market belly flopped and the housing market went into free-fall. Since then, all thru the Obakarama years its just felt like pressure has been steadily building. Recently it feels like its quadrupled with the bumbling meat puppet that resides at Pennsylvania Ave making bonehead move after bonehead move. Actually, in my personal opinion none of the decisions being made are being made out of ignorance, but from a deviously crafted plan intended to undermine the USA and shame us on the global stage. They've protected and allowed JB to live out a monstrously deviant and debauched lifestyle and his payment for that protection is to play the part of a shamed US president. Although I think they got more than they bargained for in the deal as JB is unraveling faster than they want and more uncontrollably bumbling than they wanted. Yes, this space is suppose to be a message board about PMO struggles and I do have those, but I think its related, at least as far as being a stressor making PMO a bit more attractive than in normal times. Normal times? Even though I've had my share od setbacks and tradgedy, I'd say the late 80's up to about 2001 were overall the "Good ole Days". The Berlin Wall came down, Communism was in decline, Russia went broke and we had no enemy to worry with. History is kinda my thing, I like to go back an research different things to see how and why we are where we are.

The OKC bombing, just like JFK assassination, we were served a lone gunman to blame and told he did it all himself and that we should ignore contrary evidence. Today we live under the "Patriot Act", a 342 page document that gave our gov the right to spy and survail us(amongst other things). What most people don't know is it was written just after the OKC bombing in April 1995 by none other than(wait for it) Joe Biden. They kept it on the shelf and waited. Another fun tidbit is that, "All the documents" pertaining to the Whitewater investigation were stored in the basement at the OKC fed building, as well as all the documents pertaining to the "Gulf War Syndrome" case that was related to(wait for it) adverse vaccine reactions causing the syndrome... I could go on and on, and needless to say, walk you through step by step all the related actions and events that got us here, but that would take too long and I'm hungry. There are no coincedences, the attrocities you see on the news are either fully staged, orchestrated or influenced into taking place for political reasons. Wake up! Our reality and rights are being stolen in full view, but don't comply. Make it hard for them and foremost of all, return to your first love... No one is coming to save us, corruption of governments is substantial and law enforcement is become political strong arms.

I know this verse below is about a church but its applicable to those of us who are Christian and have wandered away, grown cold. So on this Good Friday let us examine ourselves honestly, confess our sins, repent and return to our first love, Jesus the Christ, our Lord & Savior.

Revelation 2:4-5 (ESV)

4But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. 5Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent.

Peace Men

 

Artemus

Active Member
Today's world, I think, can best be described as a maelstrom, a swirling, violent and mostly unpredictable place. The stress we feel is maddening and who couldn't use some relief. I discovered porn when I was 7 or 8, but I didn't develope the habit until I was 28 and found the internet. In between 8 & 28 I had run-ins with it, but also had long runs of victory too. For me PMO was were I ran to escape uncomfortable emotions. Stress, boredom, loneliness and depression were my key drivers and sometimes insomnia. My battle with PMO has been long, I've lost count of how many times and in how many ways I've tried to quit it. Many times I wanted to just give in to it and for a time I would. I've felt the whole range of emotion, shame, disappointment, anger, frustration and on and on. If PMO were a deserted island that I was ship wrecked on, I'd say i've explored every inch and then repeated. There were times I doubted my salvation. When I've fallen in the past and confessed it, I've even been told by ministers and others I must not be saved. Hearing that as a believer, I can tell you, is about a lonely feeling a person can experience. To me it felt like being left in the most desolate place you can imagine, without supplies and watching the last rescue plane disappear over the horizon as darkness falls. There was no sound, no light, no hope. I've been there, multiple times...

During those dark times it was difficult and for some stretches I gave up trying to quit, even for years at a time, but at some point I'd hear that still small voice inviting me back and I'd repent and try again. Standing here, looking back over my journey I understand why it had to be this way. A quick fix wouldn't have taught me the many lessons I've learned about God, the Bible, our Bodies and our brains, relationships, planning, wisdom and most of all, "True Faith". In many ways I'm no longer the man I was when I got married, always thinking and doing, with the short run in mind. Sometimes I imagine what I might have achieved if I could go back and drop my 52 year old brain into my 18 year old head.

No one ever taught me how to plan or how to use money and it took many years for me to acquire those skills on my own. When I was young I was great at shooting from the hip(so to speak) and opportunities just came my way. When the opportunities dried up I just kept waiting and expecting them to eventually return, but they didn't. While I waited and the stress's of life mounted, I turned to PMO.

Now this next paragraph isn't me trying to make excuses, it may sound that way but I don't mean it that way. One mistake I made continuosly was trying to win my parents approval, but I never felt I did, even today my father I know wishes I would've graduated from college. You see in his family if you don't have a college degree your looked down on. My father graduated from school 2 years early and became an electrical engineer, but I struggled all the way thru school and barely graduated. My father chose my major in college for me and before the first year was done I lost my academic approval(flunked out). Later I learned I was ADD with an IQ 0f 144, but my father considers me some what stupid, he never says it but his behavior towards me is very telling. Ironically it turns out that ADD people usually migrate to dangerous jobs/careers and tend to have risky sex lives and the reason is ADD people tend to have a lower dopamine level naturally, so dangerous behavior raises the dopamine to help make us feel normal.(I race cars and motorcycles...) Anyway I'm sure thats enough for today, I have no idea what my day count is, its somewhere above 30 as far as actually seeking to PMO. I have had a few instances where I did a search, but the images made me sad and disgusted and I shut it down. IMHO, theses, "Peeks" I've attempted count against me. I want to be zero, No P, No M, No O. I won't be satisfied until my wife is 100% my only outlet. God is continuing to change my heart daily and I am working on developing new habits for handling negative emotions.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
@Artemus Man I haven't been on in awhile due to some of my own struggles, but your last 2 posts were incredible!! Thanks so much for sharing and I plan to update my journey today in my journal. I agree with you on the "world in which we live" is crazy.. As I watch JB on TV and decisions being made by the "group" running this show it just amazes me. I hope the US public really learns to gain some common sense and more importantly become patriotic about our great country vs. being so "woke" to please everyone. As a Christian I value everyone's opinion and as an adult can agree to disagree without "cancelling" someone based on their views. We have really lost that in todays society.

Anyway thanks for sharing and like me I hope your enjoying the people losing their minds over Elon Musk :)! Let's Go Brandon and looking forward to November.
 

Artemus

Active Member
@Artemus Man I haven't been on in awhile due to some of my own struggles, but your last 2 posts were incredible!! Thanks so much for sharing and I plan to update my journey today in my journal. I agree with you on the "world in which we live" is crazy.. As I watch JB on TV and decisions being made by the "group" running this show it just amazes me. I hope the US public really learns to gain some common sense and more importantly become patriotic about our great country vs. being so "woke" to please everyone. As a Christian I value everyone's opinion and as an adult can agree to disagree without "cancelling" someone based on their views. We have really lost that in todays society.

Anyway thanks for sharing and like me I hope your enjoying the people losing their minds over Elon Musk :)! Let's Go Brandon and looking forward to November.
Agree 100%. I've been pondering what it is we need to do, as a country and a world to stop whats happening(NWO). I think I've boiled it down to 3 simple things we MUST do.

1. Confess & Repent. We must return to our first love in earnest, In truth I think we know as a country that prides itself on being "Christian"(me included) that we've grown cold and wandered away and we deserve what's happening, just like Jerusalem before us and they paid the price in 70AD.(Not one stone remains of the temple)

2. Be a good neighbor. Reach out to the people around you and share the good news with them. The news and social media constantly tries to drive wedges into society to keep us fighting each other, the wrong enemy.

3. Vote with your $$$. So many people say to me daily how important the midterms are, how critical 2024 is, but then they continue to hand their money over to companies actively trying to kill them and destroying their lives. Why? Voting with our dollars strangles the beast and we can do this everyday, not in 6 months, not in 2 years, TODAY! Amazon for example, how many people allow Amazon to spy on them with phones and other listening devices and spend tons of money with them every month. Between Amazon and Walmart we've let them kill our smaller economies and dominate larger ones. The list goes on and on, and the answer I usually get is, "It's free shipping" or "I can't get things anywhere else...?" I call BS, its laziness plain and simple. Apple, is another company actively working on killing and/or enslaving us. I was guilty too, but since Jan 6, 2021 I've been actively extracting myself from their grips. In February 2021 I bought the parts I needed and built myself a new computer and switched to a new operating system based on Linux(Manjaro-XFCE) by watching videos, no more Bill Gates/Microsoft or Apple. Before then I was 100% in the Apple eco-system and I'll lose A couple thousand dollars of songs and books I purchased thru them over the years, but its worth it to save our freedoms. We can all do something everyday and withdrawing our support hurts them right now. If we wait, they'll soon have their new electronic-only money system setup and running and it will be too late.
 

Artemus

Active Member
Today I wanted to share an anti-PMO strategy I've been using and it seems to work pretty good. Its a simple mental trick based in scripture and a bit from Sherlock Holmes. Scripture lays out the fact that the battle we fight begins in the mind, our thoughts. To win this mental battle we are instructed to "take our thoughts captive", now sometimes this felt a little vague to me and I was only moderately successful with it. Well this week a thought was given to me about how Sherlock Holmes uses a mental trick to remember things, called his memory palace. In his memory palace he walks thru and uses different objects there in and relates them to things he wants to remember. Well I took that strategy and turned it on its head, I made a memory/thought prison, an asylum if you will, with solid clad steel doors and only a small grimy window. Thus far when any thought comes into my mind that isn't approved, I imagine myself taking that thought by the arm and throwing them in the cell and then slamming and locking the door. Then I walk away. So far its worked perfectly. Be well bothers.
 

Artemus

Active Member
I now have 52 years on the clock, at times I wish I could go back to my 16 year old self and plug in my 52 year old brain. I quite possibly could rule the world. LOL I have fantasized about time travel and if I had a single date I could go back to and do over, but then you risk possibly not experiencing some of the good things as you side step the bad. Like if I could go back and not ever find porn...(1978) Maybe not ever have cable put in my room as a kid...(1985) I've gone down the line looking at events and dates and all i know for sure is it would have to be no earlier than June 10th, 1995. I married my wife on June 9th and I wouldn't want to risk missing out on her. Looking back I'd say we are a composite of all our experiences, good and bad, but we need all of it to have who we are today. Even though my home was a loving place growing up, it was also a place of manipulation and trickery. Without my experiences I wouldn't be near as good at spotting a con as I am today and believe you me, today we live in a world of constant manipulation, outright lies and crimes of every stripe being committed on the grandest of scales. Even porn has taught me its lessons, not just sexually, but in how seduction is used on us to distract and mislead in a variety of ways. Its all about learning to see the hook, so we don't become dinner. We all want love and desire intimacy, like any gift God has given man we must use decernment and choose only to enjoy those gifts at the proper time and in the proper way. Just accepting every invitation invites disaster into our lives. When we choose rightly the joy is overwhelming, but choosing selfishly always leaves us empty and unsatisfied. End of sermon.
 

Artemus

Active Member
Day 30, No PMO.

I've rebooted before if you've read my previous journals, my longest stretch was 128 Days with the combined use of a porn filter and a image filter. The problem was that during that run I was not unlike a caged wild animal, technically I wasn't looking at porn or masturbating, but I still desperately wanted it. Because of that when I turned off my security system it wasn't long before I was right back in the pit. I've made many friends across my journey here and on other sites and I can say I've also learned from every fall I've ever had. You may not be a spiritual person, but I am and as such I default to the teachings of the Bible. One of those teachings is the necessity of having a changed heart and for many years I didn't have one.

(2004)
In the beginning, when I made my first real effort to quit PMO, but I was green and didn't understand my body or my mind or my spirit and how it all worked. I tried going cold turkey, I threw everything out I had and dug in. I don't remember how long I went that first go round, but when I fell it hurt. For a few years I was stuck in a loop, I'd quit, go a few days to a few weeks and then binge my ass off. Wash, Rinse, Repeat...

(2007) Finally I decided I needed help and found an online religious based group and their plan was something like 30 or 45 days and included daily scripture and a mentor I reported to daily. It took 3 tries but I finally graduated and for a time I was ok. Same story after I dropped my security system because it was interfering with my work. Soon after I crashed, tried to get back up, but ended up back in the loop. I stayed here for a few more years making the same old mistakes. All along I read books to help, watched videos and continued to find more ways that don't work.

(2015 - ????) I'm guessing at the year I found RN, I've changed my login many times after failures so my accurate history is lost. I like RN the best, its a nice blend on here of legitimate science and I can draw parallels to scripture and make friends without being hassled. I highly recommend the HARD 90 approach, but I will say I thinks its more legit to do it without aides. To me the aides tend to mask underlying issues that need dealing with and failing reveals those items. Today is my 30th day without PMO and I feel good.

I began my porn usage around age 8, in 1978, strictly magazines and pictures I found here and there. In 1982 I got cable in my room and I rewired the box so I could get all the channels and this is when just P became PMO. In 1987 I met a girl who was sexually active(I wasn't) and she shared all her experiences with me. I took all her stories and composed my own erotic novel on my PC as well as making an audio version as well. In 1988 I was old enough to rent tapes and buy my own mags and thats what I did. I continued on this path, off/on until I met my future wife in 1992. We got married in 1995 and in 1998 we got the internet. I worked days, she went to school and worked nights and I was lonely and bored and turned to the web for comfort. From 1998-2022 I've made strides and had setbacks, but I continue to seek ZERO. 30 Days today and I'm live without a net.

Peace brothers
 

JerryTX

Active Member
@Artemus Thanks for the update and nice job! It's a real struggle. As we have shared scripture I need to share this on my journal but this verse last Sunday just really spoke to me as it relates to my similar journey through PMO.

Romans 16:20 - The GOD of peace will soon crush satan under your feet! May the grace of our Lord Jesus be with you!

Proud of you and appreciate the update
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
...and I'm live without a net.

Thank you, Artemus! Yeah, this is the best way to do it- without filters, without accountability groups or partners (except for RN ;) ). Learning how to interact in this sex-saturated society is important to do as pure as Daniel and his friends.

Really, doing this without a net as you say is what empowers us to take back our power from the addiction. When I can say 'No' even when I have full access and ability should I choose to says more to my power than if I had a technical win even though I was white-knuckling it all the way through. A caged animal was a good comparison.

Wishing you strength for your journey and God's blessings.
 

Artemus

Active Member
Thanks, Fella's. The one caviat I would make in reguard to filters and image blockers is this. If you are new to Rebooting/Repenting from PMO and you are deep in the pit, lost in a loop of, "Wash, Rinse, Repeat" then I think using a filter or blocker as a sort of, "fire break" I think is completely acceptable as a temporary tool, not unlike training wheels on a bike. But I think any plan or goal for a life free of, P and MO must include a set point where you learn to peddle and keep your balance UN-aided. I myself had to learn its about more than just blasting myself with condemnation and guilt while hoping for a good outcome. Gritting your teeth and digging in is I think a fool's errand. Also just knowing the science and biology is incomplete as well. For me I had to learn that I myself couldn't in my own strength and knowledge overcome a habit that I spent years crafting. In the end its brought me down to the absolute dead bottom of where the foundation must be laid. To achieve what the bible calls, "true repentance" you must first have, "True Faith" a faith that takes God at His word, that He will do as He has promised. For me I was stuck in a loop of, Confessing and Repenting, but instead of putting myself in the arms of my Savior Jesus, I would just aim to try harder... Maybe I'm what the bible describes as, "Stiff Necked" or just thick skull'd, but I had to finally exhaust all my efforts and give up trying in my own strength and IQ before it was made clear to me what was happening and why. In the end its been "Simple Faith" that God would do as He promised and give me a "New" heart to replace my black and sin polluted one. Its a day by day process, sometimes the howling winds and crashing waves distract me and I start to sink, but if I remember and put my faith in Him and ignore the noise, then I'm good. My new heart gets stronger everyday and the knowledge and experience I've learned along the way has helped me avoid the pitfalls of temptation and recognize whats coming up next. Ironically how I met my wife was another time where I gave up and trusted Him to provide, 30 years later we are stronger than ever. I'll share that story some other day.

Later Men.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Great post and love this part! Such true words..
Gritting your teeth and digging in is I think a fool's errand. Also just knowing the science and biology is incomplete as well. For me I had to learn that I myself couldn't in my own strength and knowledge overcome a habit that I spent years crafting. In the end its brought me down to the absolute dead bottom of where the foundation must be laid. To achieve what the bible calls, "true repentance" you must first have, "True Faith" a faith that takes God at His word, that He will do as He has promised. For me I was stuck in a loop of, Confessing and Repenting, but instead of putting myself in the arms of my Savior Jesus, I would just aim to try harder.
 

Artemus

Active Member
The last 2 years are like none I ever thought I'd live thru. For years I'd heard theories, rumors and even so called prophecies that there were some who wanted to take over and rule the world. I believed a lot of those predictions, but at the same time I never thought society would just lay down and give away what was given to them "in trust" by those who came before them. My wife and I weren't able to have children and our numerous attempts at adoption also failed, so I guess us not having children kept us in the dark as to what was being done to public education and even college. I mean we noticed the outcomes when we'd interact with younger generations and how "UN-educated" they seem to be, but its hard to understand how actual parents let things get this far out of hand. I suppose with us living in a society of both parents working and all the other activities that children are expected to participate in, in the hopes of earning scholarships that there is little time to pay attention to the curriculum.

I know this has little or nothing to do with PMO, but after you reach a certain point in recovery you run out of things to point to as stumbling blocks. At some point you've seen all the tricks, you recognize the traps and if you've put in the work and you know how to handle things, from a bio-physical standpoint. If you are a Christian, then once you begin building your faith you'll receive in you a changed heart and that makes all the difference. For me it wasn't abrupt, but more gradual, day by day I noticed that my taste for lust was diminishing and what was once exciting and pleasurable had become sad and shameful. I began to see them as God's children, many whom had gone astray by drugs, molestation, abuse and even abduction & slavery. There can be no pleasure in the misery of others unless you are truly devoid of humanity. So even though it may appear the people were having a voluntary and pleasurable experience, it matters not...

I still have the occasional passing thought or temptation, but I try to do as the bible instructs us to and I take those thoughts captive. I literally take the thought that enters my head and imagine taking it by the arm and throwing them in a cell and slamming the solid steel door and locking it. Other times I just dismiss the thought quickly and refuse to entertain it further. I know this post is rambling, but its what was coming out as I typed.
 
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