“Recovery is not a race. You don’t have to feel guilty if it takes you longer than you thought it would.”
Here is another one:
“Addiction is just a way of trying to get at something else. Something bigger. Call it transcendence if you want, but it’s like a rat in a maze. We all want the same thing. We all have this hole. The thing you want offers relief, but it’s a trap.”
My life is hectic at the mo and I've been too focused on other things, but I'm happy to report that I'm doing well and that all is good.
At this period I'm avoiding things that could lead to a relapse. Mainly alcohol. I like alcohol. I hate the hangovers. That leads to porn and porn just crushes my mental health. So I'm remaining vigilant. I'm not getting cocky. I know I must keep fighting this thing.
In more positive news, I haven't felt this focused and clear of mind since I dunno when. I feel like I'm on the road to recover. I'm not there yet. But I'm beginning to feel like my old self. If that makes sense. For the last ten days I've been completely flatlined but who cares. What's important is that I stay away from this for the rest of my life.
And this I intend to do. It's so not worth it. I think porn wraps minds. One of my problems (which I've discovered this week) is that a porn addict takes his addiction out into the real world. My mind has become so conditioned to think about sex - search for titillation - that it does it automatically. Out on the street last week I found myself checking out this girl and that girl and thinking about sex, etc, all the fucking time. And I wasn't even aware I was doing it. It was just there in the background. Then it was like I suddenly snapped out of it. I asked myself: what the fuck was I doing. I think porn trains my mind to do this. That's why it's such a devious, sneaky, horrible motherfucker. Anyway. I've been mindful of that since this discover. I don't be constantly checking out girls, etc, on the street anymore. Funny thing is that lately I've found that girls have been checking out me. I don't know why that is, but anyway there it is.
Tuco reads the note: "See you later, id-id--"
Blondie snatches the note: "Idiots"
Blondie: "It's for you."
Ha, ha, you know I think Tuco and Blondie may just be the greatest buddies in the history of cinema. An amazing comedy duo, aside of those moments when they're trying to kill each other. Scratch that - even then they're pretty damn funny!
I'm halfway up this bloody mountain. Hope everyone is doing terrific!