Taking back my dignity

canguro

Active Member
So vacation is over and I'm back at work and everyday life in a city where I have no friends. I feel depression is kicking in again and anxiety gets worse again and obviously the hard part is beginning.
The biggest problem is, that I don't know if all the negative aspects of consuming P will be enough when I don't have enough positive from stopping.
But I will stay strong. No matter what.
Reaching towards two months PMO free.
 

canguro

Active Member
Morning guys,

had frequent MW the last days and my dick in general feels more alive. My mood is okay when I start the day but I have to really watch out that depression doesn't kick in throughout the day when I'm at work, mostly because there's a girl I have feelings for that really fuck with my brain. I have to learn to deal with it.

All in all I feel I'm progressing.
 

canguro

Active Member
A small addition to todays post:

I really feel that my baseline happiness has increased and I have mor pleasure in small things, for example I really enjoy tidying my apartment and think about how I can make it look more good. Even though I still have to struggle at work, I hope to achieve, that I can enjoy it, too.
This has not only to do with quitting P, but much with quitting social media and wasting time on yt etc...

I had no urges till now and don´t expect any to come today.
 

canguro

Active Member
I can only repeat myself: I'm feeling great. My concentration and confidence improved, my energy- and happiness level is higher, my anxiety and brainfog reduced.
At the moment it's going wonderful. This really works and I must continue this path.
 

canguro

Active Member
Reporting back after one week:
Second month nearly through and I have basically no urges and looking at P is no option for me at the moment, so I think I achieved pretty well to build this strong and subconscious believe that I am P-free. I think Noahs trance meditation which I used for more than a month had a good impact an it, so did this forum.
So I'm using it less frequently as I don't feel the need to.

At the same time depression is kicking in more heavily after the enthusiasm is gone. Still, this is a big step forward in my life and I will not let that slip away.
My dick is feeling much more alive most of the time and tonight I had a Sexdream in which I thought "hopefully I dont fuck it up" but I didn't and I think this is a good sign of my growing confidence.
 

canguro

Active Member
All right, two months down!
Feeling good at the moment, the last days where pretty much depression free, only brainfog is still a big issue. I have no urges worth mentioning, from time to time there are intrusive thoughts about porn but I can handle them quite good and when even a short thought about using P appears I can laugh at these pathetic attempts of my addicted brain to get me.
So far quitting P was for sure the best decision I made in quite a few years.

Stopping P will not let you problems magically disapear but it will give you strenght, focus and joy in life to overcome them.
That's maybe the most important change for me, being able to feel joy and happiness in small things.
 

Emptyroom

Active Member
Hi! I just read your story. Man you are doing great things! I resonate with what you are saying about music and stuff.

I feel that when one is down out one automatically thinks about how everything should or could be much better than things are. Because of P and other stuff. This is a mistake because It makes it impossible to live in the present and feel happy when you always compare sensations to the theoretical sensations that you could have had if it wasn't for this or that. Acceptance of the present moment is the key to healing. I don't mean that you should accept things being bad in your life. I mean that one shouldn't fight life but instead sit with it and accept sitting with it until it becomes better. All those lost sensations will come back. All the brain fog will disappear, the extreme things in your P use will stop interesting you. In the future, you will not understand how you could have watched and been interested in things like that. It is not part of the real you and it will pass. It will not completely disappear from your brain, but It will disappear to the extent that you can see for yourself that it isn't in you nature.

I have a few tips for you If I could give you some:

Your state of mind can change very quickly during the process of rebooting and rewiring. don't become too complacent, or comfortable feeling like things are going well. Make plans for avoiding situations where you could make a wrong choice because no one can make it on willpower alone. Your willpower will fail you.
Stay two steps ahead of your addiction. Read and keep your mind in the zone where you get better, but don't bring it to a level where you can't maintain it!

Good luck to you! You can do it!
/J
 
Last edited:

canguro

Active Member
Thanks emptyroom and Rchie99 for reading and participating in my journal!
You - emptyroom - are right that one of my main goal has to live more in the moment instead of always looking what my problems are, because this will give me no happiness in the long term. And I think quitting p was helpful for that, because now I am able to accept and value myself instead of being disgusted at what I do.
I wouldn't say that willpower isn't enough - that the willpower can shrink over time when the first motivation is over and you don't experience further positive changes is more accurate I'd say. I think that's why it's so important to build up that internalised belief in a porn free life that you won't get tempted or tricked by your brain. I hope I achieved that and I'm working on strengthening this belief every day .
Because you are right, there will come times where I feel worse again and I will have to stay strong then, too.
 

canguro

Active Member
As I feel it's beneficial for me to journal I will propably continue writing here regulary, but not only about PA-related stuff, but more about my general struggle with my mental health.

Another day - another win.
This day didn't start quite good, I had strong brain fog and anxiety (those two seem to corelate) but I was able to convince myself to go out on an event and I managed to get out of the brainfog and socialise and after that I was feeling so good that I even called an old friend who I haven't seen for years and she was really pleased to hear from me and we want to meet with another former good friend of mine.
I'm learning that I am able to change my situation and that is so important for me as I nearly forgot that due to PTSD. (The model of learned helplessness is very interesting in this context)
 
Last edited:

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
As I feel it's beneficial for me to journal I will propably continue writing here regulary, but not only about PA-related stuff, but more about my general struggle with my mental health.

Another day - another win.
This day didn't start quite good, I had strong brain fog and anxiety (those two seem to corelate) but I was able to convince myself to go out on an event and I managed to get out of the brainfog and socialise and after that I was feeling so good that I even called an old friend who I haven't seen for years and she was really pleased to hear from me and we want to meet with another former good friend of mine.
I'm learning that I am able to change my situation and that is so important for me as I nearly forgot that due to PTSD. (The model of learned helplessness is very interesting in this context)
We got this. I've read your first post and I have to say our stories present some similarities but we'll figure it out, I'm sure, because we're trying. Who doesn't try, doesn't change.
 

PeteSL

Member
As I feel it's beneficial for me to journal I will propably continue writing here regulary, but not only about PA-related stuff, but more about my general struggle with my mental health.

Another day - another win.
This day didn't start quite good, I had strong brain fog and anxiety (those two seem to corelate) but I was able to convince myself to go out on an event and I managed to get out of the brainfog and socialise and after that I was feeling so good that I even called an old friend who I haven't seen for years and she was really pleased to hear from me and we want to meet with another former good friend of mine.
I'm learning that I am able to change my situation and that is so important for me as I nearly forgot that due to PTSD. (The model of learned helplessness is very interesting in this context)
Been in social anxiety land for so long that I found it fascinating how one can use a social event as a "jumpstart" for other social activities. The brainfog prevents doing this first step that will support more socializing, so if you get over it, it kinda works out from there!
Glad to see you are making progress, stay strong!
 

canguro

Active Member
Short note: Woke up one hour before alarm and couldn't sleep anymore this morning, now I'm lying awake since more than two hours feeling like my body just won't calm down, a bit like I took amphetamine. The whole day I felt kinda maniac. I will have to have an eye on this, it worries me a bit at the moment. Going toctalk to my therapist aboutcthat on friday for sure. Maybe I should take less of my meds (bupropion, which is an amphetamin), or my brain just isn't used to happiness that it totally overreacts. Had really good experiences the last days, met many people and yesterday a girl that was way beyond my level flirted with me, what really gave me a boost to my confidence.
I'll try going down with the bupropion from 300mg to 150 at least for some days at the risk of my mood going down. If it goes down too deep I'll go up to 300 again.

PS: I was jogging with a sprint in between today, meditated before bed (in which I could relax very good) and drank a sleeping tea.
 
Last edited:

canguro

Active Member
Been in social anxiety land for so long that I found it fascinating how one can use a social event as a "jumpstart" for other social activities. The brainfog prevents doing this first step that will support more socializing, so if you get over it, it kinda works out from there!
Glad to see you are making progress, stay strong!
Exactly and I feel how the brainfog is clearing as I'm getting more used to socialising! I worked 11 hours today and talked a lot to collegues and now I'm home thinking "hey, I could call a friend because I haven't talked to her in a few days and I feel like talking".
I think at least for me brainfog is directly linked to social anxiety, I often noticed that it gets worse when I leave the house and now it leaves when I can relaxes while talking to people. There is still some fear of social interactions but mostly it goes away pretty fast when I'm in the situation.
 

PeteSL

Member
Exactly and I feel how the brainfog is clearing as I'm getting more used to socialising! I worked 11 hours today and talked a lot to collegues and now I'm home thinking "hey, I could call a friend because I haven't talked to her in a few days and I feel like talking".
I think at least for me brainfog is directly linked to social anxiety, I often noticed that it gets worse when I leave the house and now it leaves when I can relaxes while talking to people. There is still some fear of social interactions but mostly it goes away pretty fast when I'm in the situation.
Hope you get to take full advantage of this man! being more social at work and taking responsibility of more "social" work tasks has really helped me as well! Good that we can use work as a tool against this thing!!
 

canguro

Active Member
Talked to my therapist about my PA which is a great progress for me in terms of opening up to people, also talked to a friend about the feelings I have for a work colleague. I feel that these things are much easier for me now that the shame of using P is gone now. I'm pretty wasted because I had way too much work last week and even had to quit my workout after like 15 min, so I just cleaned my flat and stuff like that.
At the moment when intrusive thoughts of P appear I'm able to brush them off easily and I have no urges or withdrawals.
 

canguro

Active Member
Still going fine. I'm pretty exhausted today, had a hard leg day on monday that I still felt heavily yesterday when I went kickboxing and then had a rough sparring there. Today my mood is rather low (compared to the weeks of reboot) and I had stronger P-thoughts so far. Exhausting myself is not doing me good, last week when I worked so much I also recognized a corelation between my energy level and P-thoughts. Also my anxiety is worse today.
I have to watch after my regeneration, but also that I have social interaction daily.
The rest of the day I ain't gonna do much.
I'm thinking about trying online dating to get some routine...has anyone experience with that?
At the same time I still have heavy feelings for a collegue of mine and I don't really know how to continue there. She rejected me an my chances are pretty low she changes her mind I guess, on the other hand I can't just let go of her emotionally, so what am I supposed to do? Seeing her at work regulary doesn't make this easier...

However, my priority must still be to achieve being able to be happy alone and relationship has to come second. Going pretty good so far, I have to be patient and don't put to much pressure on myself.
 
Last edited:

canguro

Active Member
MO´ed today.

In this post I´m gonna evaluate how I succeeded with my changes in life so far:

1. PC/Media
I´m on the computer much less, I use YT only for music or podcasts, not for watching other vids.
A thing is still the smartphone which I use more now, but not to a great extend. But I have to watch after my Twitter use.
2. Sleeping times
Going to bed at 11 pm on late shift and weekend days works most of the time, exept if there are events that prevent me from it. I don´t stay up if there is no valid reason. I go to sleep at 8 - 8:30 pm on early shift days. I stand up at 7:30 most of the time, maybe two times a week later (max 8:00)
Only problem here are my kickboxing times, they don´t really fit in, when I have early shift it would get way too late. One more month then I´m switching gyms.
3. Meditating
10 min each evening maybe 6 of 7 days.
Sometimes - maybe one in two weeks - I do Noah b. e. Church´s hypnotrance.
4. Sport
Regular Workouts, going jogging nearly every other days.
Doing physical activitys at maybe 5 to 6 out of 7 days.
5. No Screen before bed
I´m reading now in the evening, that´s going finde. On the other hand I could be stricter when it comes to the smartphone. Still work to do there.
6. Cold shower
Everyday.
7. Weekly plans
Doing them most weeks and furthermore analysing my progress every end of the week. Have to keep up with the second, forget it sometimes.
8. MO
4 times in approximately 80 days.
9. meds
Down to 150mg every other day. I tried quitting different meds in the last years and never succeeded, because at some point depression got too terrible. I feel like I could do it this time, but I have to be careful not to rush it. Will take the last of my meds (maybe for 2 or 3 weeks with this dosage) like this, maybe the last ones every third day. I genuinely hope I can do it, it would be fucking crazy if I could life without antidepressants the first time since 5 or 6 years.

I´m really satisfied with my progress so far, I´m far more active now and I´m sticking to my routine mostly. I could be more disciplined sometimes, but on the other hand I don´t want to get to attached to my routine, as it is important to stay spontaneus also.
One of the most important aspects is social interaction though and I really have to look after it. Every day social interaction! (And with that I don´t mean just going to work and see people, but really interacting with them, meeting friends or call them etc.)
I really feel how this is elevating my mood and crushes my anxiety!
 
Last edited:

canguro

Active Member
Just dreamt about watching p and the dream was so freaking vivid...how about giving me some good sex dreams, brain? In my dream I thought about watching it and then decided that "one time won't hurt" and I really remember tiping in the page etc. Fuck you brain! P is not coming back, get over it! =D
 

Gigili

Member
Just dreamt about watching p and the dream was so freaking vivid...how about giving me some good sex dreams, brain? In my dream I thought about watching it and then decided that "one time won't hurt" and I really remember tiping in the page etc. Fuck you brain! P is not coming back, get over it! =D
Yeah, I also have P dreams these nights. I am on my day 38 and I have dreams of P every other night. I sometimes yell at my brain "WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU WORKING AGAINST ME!". It wants P and I ain't giving it P.
 
Top