Taking back my dignity

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Short note: Woke up one hour before alarm and couldn't sleep anymore this morning, now I'm lying awake since more than two hours feeling like my body just won't calm down, a bit like I took amphetamine. The whole day I felt kinda maniac. I will have to have an eye on this, it worries me a bit at the moment. Going toctalk to my therapist aboutcthat on friday for sure. Maybe I should take less of my meds (bupropion, which is an amphetamin), or my brain just isn't used to happiness that it totally overreacts. Had really good experiences the last days, met many people and yesterday a girl that was way beyond my level flirted with me, what really gave me a boost to my confidence.
I'll try going down with the bupropion from 300mg to 150 at least for some days at the risk of my mood going down. If it goes down too deep I'll go up to 300 again.

PS: I was jogging with a sprint in between today, meditated before bed (in which I could relax very good) and drank a sleeping tea.
Damn, I know how this is. Sometimes I have those euphoric episodes as if I'm bipolar or something. And I don't take any medicine. Today I wanted to wake up at 8 P.M and I was awake since 6:20.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Yeah, I also have P dreams these nights. I am on my day 38 and I have dreams of P every other night. I sometimes yell at my brain "WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU WORKING AGAINST ME!". It wants P and I ain't giving it P.
You know, we might feel like the brain is against us, it tries to take us down or something but the way I see it is our brain actually wanting to help us. What do I mean by this? The reptilian brain does things for survival and it got hijacked by an unhealthy survival skill in our porn use. In time, after staying away from porn, it will understand that it won't get that dopamine anymore and it will change. But until then we must stay away from porn completely, including the porn from our memory.
 

canguro

Active Member
You know, we might feel like the brain is against us, it tries to take us down or something but the way I see it is our brain actually wanting to help us. What do I mean by this? The reptilian brain does things for survival and it got hijacked by an unhealthy survival skill in our porn use. In time, after staying away from porn, it will understand that it won't get that dopamine anymore and it will change. But until then we must stay away from porn completely, including the porn from our memory.
Yes, your right, for a guy in the stone ages it woukd make perfect sense to mate when the opportunity is there and therefore our brain giving us dopamin spikes. Brain just doesn't get that fapping to pixels isn't really helping with the survival of the species =D
Our brains are just not used to the ever-present stimulation we have in the modern world...
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Yes, your right, for a guy in the stone ages it woukd make perfect sense to mate when the opportunity is there and therefore our brain giving us dopamin spikes. Brain just doesn't get that fapping to pixels isn't really helping with the survival of the species =D
Our brains are just not used to the ever-present stimulation we have in the modern world...
That's right. At a survival level, the brain of a porn addict thinks he is super successful because he mates all day but the brain doesn't know that all he does is jerk off to pixels and he feels like a loser. Nothing prepared us for what's happening, the brain can't keep up with all this porn shit. For now all we can do is quit watching. We can't dry the ocean but we can get out of the ocean.
 

Gigili

Member
Yes, your right, for a guy in the stone ages it woukd make perfect sense to mate when the opportunity is there and therefore our brain giving us dopamin spikes. Brain just doesn't get that fapping to pixels isn't really helping with the survival of the species =D
Our brains are just not used to the ever-present stimulation we have in the modern world...
Yeah, this is the problem with living in a modern world with parts of our brain being evolved for life in stone age. Sometimes I feel we are sort of half baked species. Our environment have evolved faster than how our brains can evolve.
 

canguro

Active Member
Still everything going great in general. Close to 3 months. But loneliness is still a major problem and not fapping does increase the need and longing for intimacy. That's great objectively, because it's just so important for my next relationship and my need for social interaction in general, but subjectively it's really hard and makes contact with woman hard because I see them as potential partners all the time which is really not helping at all. The good thing is, that I'm quite certain that I can find a partner now when I continue this path and work on myself, mostly when it comes to social anxiety. At the same time I often feel so alienated...people living their normal lifes with normal interests and then there is me, with my life-long story of severe mental health issues, drug and alcohol addiction, porn etc. I really want to belong to the normal people, but I don't know if I can fit in. This really bothers me.
Although quitting porn brought me closer to that goal undeniably.
But what really holds me back is that I'm still not sure about wether I am good for a woman or if they wouldn't be better off without me maybe.

There is still a long way to go and I have to patient with myself.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Still everything going great in general. Close to 3 months. But loneliness is still a major problem and not fapping does increase the need and longing for intimacy. That's great objectively, because it's just so important for my next relationship and my need for social interaction in general, but subjectively it's really hard and makes contact with woman hard because I see them as potential partners all the time which is really not helping at all. The good thing is, that I'm quite certain that I can find a partner now when I continue this path and work on myself, mostly when it comes to social anxiety. At the same time I often feel so alienated...people living their normal lifes with normal interests and then there is me, with my life-long story of severe mental health issues, drug and alcohol addiction, porn etc. I really want to belong to the normal people, but I don't know if I can fit in. This really bothers me.
Although quitting porn brought me closer to that goal undeniably.
But what really holds me back is that I'm still not sure about wether I am good for a woman or if they wouldn't be better off without me maybe.

There is still a long way to go and I have to patient with myself.
Hell yeah!
 

canguro

Active Member
Fuck, I have to free myself from my emotions towards this woman, this is seriously endangering my progress. Fuck love, honestly.
The worst thing is, that I am now doing so good, that I think I will be able to find a gf soon, but then I'm seeing this woman at work all the time which fucks up my head every goddamn time.

Apart from that I'm really doing great. Tomorrow three months are down.
 

canguro

Active Member
Two days ago I really went a bit to far, not that I watched P or even looked at pictures, it was just reading some p-related stuff, but as a consequence I had to delete my twitter acc. Wanted to do that anyway. But sometimes the porn thoughts are still strong and I still have a long way to go.
Beside that its going good, but I really have make sure I get enough social interaction, but that's not so easy as I don't really have friends in my city. Was at a party this weekend (first since corona lol) and couldn't get myself to ask a girl for her number, I really hate myself for letting anxiety take over again. I went home when she did and she even waited outside, while her female friend went ahead to their car and I just stupidly said bye and just realized a few minutes later how dumb I've been.
But I mustn't let my mood go down. But when I think about it there where three opportunitys to get to know girls who seemed interested in me lately, but I always somehow fucked it up.
But I have to be patient with myself, with what I am through it is no wonder I'm having such a hard time with social interaction and when I stay strong and don't give in to depression again, I know I will succeed!

I feel like either my body is getting used to not orgasm or I'm getting more used to being permanently horny. Didn't fap since 15 days and the last times at some point it was really hard to bear, but at the moment it is going good and I don't feel the need to, nor do I fear to have a wet dream atm. But I'm desperate for sexual activity, srsly guys. =D
 

canguro

Active Member
funny thing I wrote yesterday I don´t feel the need to fap. Fapped today.
But didn´t feel the need at the same time, I just had some semen in my urin and thought what the heck, before I have a wet dream better get rid of it. :whistle:
 

canguro

Active Member
The last days I was kinda low on energy, sometimes felt like the brainfog was back, feeling tired all the time etc, but since I MO'ed I feel mich better now. I can focus more and myself and what I want to achieve and am less captured in sexual thoughts and loneliness. Feeling great again! I've come so far, honestly, I have no doubt that my life is changing for the better fundamentally. I like myself and I can see what I achieved and my strength, it is just amazing. Quitting P is literally saving my life.
But to be honest, it is not only P. A big part is therapy and another big part is quitting social media, Youtube, Netflix etc., this wasting of my life in general.

Oh, and I'm free from my antidepressant, I really could do it after many unsuccessfull attempts. Even when in my last relationship (the only time I considered myself kinda happy in my life) I couldn't do that. This prooves to me, that quitting P was THE change I needed in my life and that from now on I will be able to life a more or less normal life.
When I'm doing worse again, I hope I can read this and see, what damage P did to my life so I never go back.

Stay strong everybody!
 

Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Good for you!

I resonate with where you're at. The social media overstimulation is pretty P-like honestly, it often creates cravings for me. Quitting facebook, insta, twitter etc has been a game changer, and now I just talk to people individually. Also recently got off of mental health meds, turns out what I really need to do is quit PMO!!! Best of luck to you also.
 

canguro

Active Member
Yes man! I read in YBOP and my therapist told me, that social media, YT, Netflix etc weakens the willpower and it makes totally sense, when you just engage in activity, that needs no effort, physical or mental, you are not used to do things that are uncomfortable. Doing things like sport, meditation, or even cleaning up etc, which are not as easy to do as scrolling endlessly through social media in search of another great post gives you mental strength which helps you to overcome urges.
I have P thoughts and urges, I would say even stronger than in the first weeks, but I can laugh at them because I know I have the strength to resist and I know my conscious mind is in charge and not my addiction.
I'm happy for you, you could also get off your meds thanks to rebooting and I hope you can defeat this addiction! No more relapses! ;D
 

canguro

Active Member
I'm really feeling how the reboot is affecting my short term memory. I have a much easier time remembering stuff.
 

canguro

Active Member
Much stress at the moment, I feel how it is affecting me negative. Depression and lonelines crept in the last days. I really have to be aware that I can change this by my actions. For example I felt really low on energy yesterday but forced myself to go kickboxing and felt amazing afterwards. But my stress resistance is still pretty low.
I feel like I am mostly done with the quitting and I need to rewire, but sadly I don't really have much opportunity to get to know women right now, even though I am much more active.
I still have porn thoughts and sometimes dreams, but I don't think this will go away completly by itself, but only by replace the porn connections with real sex connections in my brain.
 

96LostWanderer

Active Member
Well done for going kickboxing. Exercise is a great way to improve your mood and stay on the right track. Healthy body, healthy mind, as they say.
 

guiganvoger

Active Member
Well done for going kickboxing. Exercise is a great way to improve your mood and stay on the right track. Healthy body, healthy mind, as they say.
Definitely! I have felt in bad moods before and that I didn't have the will or energy to go out and get some fresh air and exercise to find that upon actually getting outside it changed my mood completely. It's easy to stay inside with your depression and not even realize that even though you thought that exercise wouldn't be the cure, it flips your whole attitude around as soon as you get some.
 

canguro

Active Member
Am out of depression again, once again I see, that I am in control, as long as I stay strong and seek social interaction etc.
Fapped two days ago, maybe that also helped me to get rid of loneliness and constant thinking of intimacy. Fapping always helped me, but still don't want to do it more often.
No urges, no withdrawals.
Have to be harder on myself when it comes to ogling at women, though my sexual desire is understandable, I must not let this become an habit and stop it right now. Enough!
Women are not there for your pleasure!
 
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