Taking back my dignity

I think you are starting to fall into one of those planned relapse zones. Loneliness sucks and I'm sorry your going through that. Your negative feelings will eventually pass though and porn won't help you get through loneliness, that's for sure. Keep being active and social and the feeling of battle with yourself and being lonely will fade with time.
 

canguro

Active Member
Thanks guys for being with me, I really appreciate it and it's helping me.
It is evening now here in europe and honestly, this day was a close call. You're right @guiganvoger , I am now at a phase very I really have to watch out, as my motivation is fading and there are still those factors in my life that push me towards depression. I must always remember, what porn did to me and why I'm here.

I fapped today and I was calmer afterwards, so it worked to use it in an "emergency" instead of PMO, but there was a moment where I actually considered watching porn. And altogether I realized how vulnerable I am. So I am happy I made it through this day without a relapse and I have to work on my foundation. This means beginning with today I will go back to Noah B.E. Churches Hypnotrance for the next days, which helped me a lot in the beginning.

Also I have to go back to being more active again and go out, like @96LostWanderer suggested.
But at the same time I have to learn to accept myself more and be okay with it, when I am relaxing a day or to without feeling like I am failing.

I hope for a better day tomorrow.
 

Not a Rabbi

Member
Guys, depression is kicking in hard atm...fucking loneliness. I am not sure if I can stay abstinent when I don't get out of it again. Because at some point I just stop carrying or even worse want to destroy myself. Urges are very strong today and it is kind funny how they are not connected to arousal (I am certainly not feeling horny), but to negative emotional states.
It got worse the from day to day and since like two to three weeks I feel like I am fighting a battle I can't win, because I need such a constant stream of positive experiences to compensate the negative experience (being mostly loneliness) that I just can't provide it. I can't visit friends every day because my best friend is hundreds of km away and here I know some people with which I connected the last months, but they are not so close friends.
I don't really know how to to on...
Hey man, sorry to hear you're feeling depressed. I don't know you of course but you have things you can do to lift yourself up: work out, go for a walk, engage in any kind of hobby, watch a movie, listen to music, whatever. I've been in this situation a lot and I feel like the key is just doing something, anything instead of aimlessly going on my phone/computer which just makes me feel worse. Doesn't even need to be active honestly, just something that can help me feel less shitty/occupy me.

Btw, I don't know if you can relate to this, but the city where I live gets pretty dark all winter and I get depressed. Best ways to help this for me are using a sun lamp, getting outside as much as possible, and taking extra vitamin d.
 

canguro

Active Member
Thx for your reply @Not a Rabbi .
You are right that I need to do anything that is helping me to get out of that mood and yesterday I cooked and listened to a youtube channel called "Therapy in a Nutshell" about depression etc. That did help me and today I am feeling a bit better.
Tbh, I am working out/doing sport maybe 5-6 out of 7 days. I think the problem is, that I am constantly trying to run away and be occupied, so I don't have to think. Maybe I have to learn to be more accepting instead of avoiding being with myself. But I'm not sure if that's not my depression talking that wants me to do less stuff and just waste time feeling bad.

I am taking vit D, but yes, maybe I should go out more often, that's definetly important.
 

canguro

Active Member
I am doing better again and I am so glad I didn't relapse. That would have made everything much worse. But I could learn from it. I think what I understand now is, that my problem lies in the way to process (or not to process) emotions. My intention is always to avoid them, to bury them. I did that with the help of alcohol, drugs, self harm and porn. And I still do that with sport! Going running when I have emotional stress is certainly the most healthy way to avoid the stress, but I think I have to learn to really process my emotions instead of shying away from them. That means learning to talk about them and show them in the first place.

I am happy that I will see my therapist again this friday after maybe two months, there is a lot I have to talk about.

Overall I think Iam doing pretty good and making progress. 5 months mark is getting close guys!
 

canguro

Active Member
Hey guys, I just wanted to share a Vid from YT (or a whole course to be more specific) with you which I find very beneficial!

 
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