Taking back my dignity

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canguro

Active Member
Close to 4 months boiiiis!

I feel great today, my social skills are on a whole different level compared to before the reboot.
At the same time loneliness is still a major problem and increasing at the moment and I'm back and forth between hope and motivation and loneliness and sadness. It is a real struggle guys, but I will never go back.
 
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canguro

Active Member
I wrote I am searching for a new apartment some time ago. If everything goes fine I'll sign the contract in a few days. This would be so great!
Besides, my social anxiety is making me quite some problems, but yeah, those who do not move, do not feel their chains, right?
Today I had some encounters today with the girl I am in love with and I am at a point where I just want it to stop. It is excruciating, no kidding.
This is fucking up my reboot and I don't know what to do about it.
Hell, I felt so frickin good the last days and whenever I see her my day is fucked.
Fucking shit!
 
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Seer

Member
Hey Canguro.

I looked at your first post, it looks like we have a lot of things in common. Great work getting to 4 months! That's not easy at all.

How often do you see this girl? Does she go to your work or something?

Are you still going to kick boxing? Martial arts has been the one thing in my life that always makes me feel good, more than anything else. And anytime I've had my mind on a girl, going to boxing has always taken it off my mind. Sometimes in the past I would go to boxing and then go out with some friends and chat to random women, it always helped give me perspective.
 
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SexualHealing

Active Member
canguro said:
I wrote I am searching for a new apartment some time ago. If everything goes fine I'll sign the contract in a few days. This would be so great!
Besides, my social anxiety is making me quite some problems, but yeah, those who do not move, do not feel their chains, right?
Today I had some encounters today with the girl I am in love with and I am at a point where I just want it to stop. It is excruciating, no kidding.
This is fucking up my reboot and I don't know what to do about it.
Hell, I felt so frickin good the last days and whenever I see her my day is fucked.
Fucking shit!
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Hi Canguro,

Good luck with your new apartment search! 🏡

I've had my moments when I couldn't get someone I loved out of my mind, especially when we broke things off or things didn't end well. I was left with feelings of love, anger, joy, sadness, infatuation, resentments, etc. Not sure if this is your situation. What helped me is to wish that person all the good things I want in my life. I would wish them only the best. I would say stuff like I hope he finds someone who loves him unconditionally, who makes him happy, who loves him more than I did. I hope he is successful in his career. May he be healthy, wealthy. Also, being grateful for the him all the good moments. Somehow, his image, our happy moments, the promises he made and all those thoughts that would come up slowly vanished and they didn't have power over me anymore. It's not easy but it has worked for me.

You got this!!!
 
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canguro

Active Member
Thanks for your responses!

@Seer
Yeah, she's at my work, that makes it difficult to get over my feelings. Martial Arts are indeed a great thing and have improved my life pretty much. Sadly I'm no longer going atm, my contract ran out. It's a bit complicated, I can't go very often because of my work times etc. But I'm running nearly every day and do lot of strength training in the gym. That helps me, too.

@SexualHealing
That's not entirely my situation, but you helped me nontheless. Maybe it was the wrong approach trying to shut off my feelings with force and I have to find to a more healthy apprach to deal with this and learn to accept. Thanks.
 
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canguro

Active Member
My post yesterday was very impulsive and full of negative emotions. I have to learn to deal with my emotions better, but not by trying to shut them off. And when it comes to this woman I have to learn and practice acceptance. Thx again @SexualHealing helping me realize that my approach on this was wrong.

Staying strong!
 
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guiganvoger

Active Member
Before I was married, I had an infatuation with a girl at my work that had just come out of a longish relationship and wasn't ready to date. We became friends and hung out together a lot but never became anything more no matter how much I really wanted it. It was frustrating for the both of us because I was in a place where I wanted a mature relationship and she valued me as a friend as she was getting over heart break and wasn't ready to jump into anything.

Life went on though and we are still friends and I was able to meet new people and become comfortable with myself. I grew to have new valuable and meaningful relationships and eventually met my wife.

Acceptance definitely is a practice. Keep putting yourself out there and you will meet someone you jive with; someone who wants to be with you as well!
 
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canguro

Active Member
Thanks man for the words! Actually I am doing pretty good in practicing acceptance. And you are totally right that I have to go out there to meet people. And that's what I am doing. Was in a bar yesterday and I feel that my social anxiety is getting weaker with every day.
I am so thankful that I am a person with much discipline, nontheless I have to be careful not to trip. But also I have to learn to be patient, even though it is hard because I am now single for more than two and a half years and it fucking hurts. But I'll stay strong and continue on this path.
Quitting porn changed my life so much till now, when I don't give up, everything will be all right and I will be stronger than ever!
 
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canguro

Active Member
Today I learned something about the reboot with (I think) @Escapeandnevercomeback .
I think that's a nice analogy.

Think your reboot as a small plank over the abyss. If you are not careful enough and don't avoid triggers you may slip and fall into the deep, being PMO.
So there are two things you can do:
1. Be careful, so you don't slip, avoid triggers, use blockers, be occupied with activities etc.
and
2. you can stabilize and extend your plank so you don't fall so easily when you slip.
This can be done with building up determination, a new healthy lifestyle in which PMO has no place and connecting PMO and the addiction with negative emotions, loath it and what it made us.

I think the second one is even more important than the first. Here I saw that those who build a solid foundation to their reboot are more likely to succeed than those who just wanna stop using without changing their life.
I never used blockers or restricted my access to the internet in any way, yet I didn't fall till now, even though I had urges (and still have from time to time) and stumbled a few times on substitutes.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
canguro said:
Today I learned something about the reboot with (I think) @Escapeandnevercomeback .
I think that's a nice analogy.

Think your reboot as a small plank over the abyss. If you are not careful enough and don't avoid triggers you may slip and fall into the deep, being PMO.
So there are two things you can do:
1. Be careful, so you don't slip, avoid triggers, use blockers, be occupied with activities etc.
and
2. you can stabilize and extend your plank so you don't fall so easily when you slip.
This can be done with building up determination, a new healthy lifestyle in which PMO has no place and connecting PMO and the addiction with negative emotions, loath it and what it made us.

I think the second one is even more important than the first. Here I saw that those who build a solid foundation to their reboot are more likely to succeed than those who just wanna stop using without changing their life.
I never used blockers or restricted my access to the internet in any way, yet I didn't fall till now, even though I had urges (and still have from time to time) and stumbled a few times on substitutes.
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That's right, man.
 
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guiganvoger

Active Member
I am coming to the realization that this is all more than just changing having porn in your life, it is changing your lifestyle to have no place for porn in it. It can be hard to break out of pattern but that’s what must be done in all areas of your life to really make a change. Time to really consider those patterns and switch it up for healthy habits!
 
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canguro

Active Member
Guys, depression is kicking in hard atm...fucking loneliness. I am not sure if I can stay abstinent when I don't get out of it again. Because at some point I just stop carrying or even worse want to destroy myself. Urges are very strong today and it is kind funny how they are not connected to arousal (I am certainly not feeling horny), but to negative emotional states.
It got worse the from day to day and since like two to three weeks I feel like I am fighting a battle I can't win, because I need such a constant stream of positive experiences to compensate the negative experience (being mostly loneliness) that I just can't provide it. I can't visit friends every day because my best friend is hundreds of km away and here I know some people with which I connected the last months, but they are not so close friends.
I don't really know how to to on...
 
96LostWanderer

96LostWanderer

Active Member
Keep going out to places, even if you’re by yourself. Even just small amounts of human interaction will help you feel more connected and less alone. Also visit your family if they are nearby.
 
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guiganvoger

Active Member
I think you are starting to fall into one of those planned relapse zones. Loneliness sucks and I'm sorry your going through that. Your negative feelings will eventually pass though and porn won't help you get through loneliness, that's for sure. Keep being active and social and the feeling of battle with yourself and being lonely will fade with time.
 
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canguro

Active Member
Thanks guys for being with me, I really appreciate it and it's helping me.
It is evening now here in europe and honestly, this day was a close call. You're right @guiganvoger , I am now at a phase very I really have to watch out, as my motivation is fading and there are still those factors in my life that push me towards depression. I must always remember, what porn did to me and why I'm here.

I fapped today and I was calmer afterwards, so it worked to use it in an "emergency" instead of PMO, but there was a moment where I actually considered watching porn. And altogether I realized how vulnerable I am. So I am happy I made it through this day without a relapse and I have to work on my foundation. This means beginning with today I will go back to Noah B.E. Churches Hypnotrance for the next days, which helped me a lot in the beginning.

Also I have to go back to being more active again and go out, like @96LostWanderer suggested.
But at the same time I have to learn to accept myself more and be okay with it, when I am relaxing a day or to without feeling like I am failing.

I hope for a better day tomorrow.
 
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