Today was a close one. Was doing pretty good, but got triggered and had very strong urges at work. I finally masturbated on the toilet there for the first time. I'm not proud of it, but the risk of relapsing when I come home was too big.
It is sad, how much of the progress I made this summer and fall is just drained down the gutter because of the relapses I had. I feel like the pathways in my brain are so strong again, like the months without porn just didn't exist.
I mean, it is just one week without porn and the urges are too strong for me. The problem is, that I lack the motivation, because I am not sure any longer, that I really want to quit and as soon as you dont know for sure you want to quit, you always have that nagging porn voice in your head.
I have to get back to a state where porn is not an option again. And that means I have to get back to a state where I want to improve my life and most important where I believe I can change my life for the better. Depression makes that really hard.
About my job: I talked with my supervisor
about problems at work and I hope this will help to solve some of the stress at work.
@Lord Gohan
Thanks for your advice, really interesting approach with the coin. Not a bad idea, it is not good to hold onto a job just out of false sense of duty or laziness.
On the other hand I am not sure if avoiding the stress is really helping me, because it has a lot to do with HOW I deal with stress.
It is sad, how much of the progress I made this summer and fall is just drained down the gutter because of the relapses I had. I feel like the pathways in my brain are so strong again, like the months without porn just didn't exist.
I mean, it is just one week without porn and the urges are too strong for me. The problem is, that I lack the motivation, because I am not sure any longer, that I really want to quit and as soon as you dont know for sure you want to quit, you always have that nagging porn voice in your head.
I have to get back to a state where porn is not an option again. And that means I have to get back to a state where I want to improve my life and most important where I believe I can change my life for the better. Depression makes that really hard.
About my job: I talked with my supervisor
about problems at work and I hope this will help to solve some of the stress at work.
@Lord Gohan
Thanks for your advice, really interesting approach with the coin. Not a bad idea, it is not good to hold onto a job just out of false sense of duty or laziness.
On the other hand I am not sure if avoiding the stress is really helping me, because it has a lot to do with HOW I deal with stress.