Taking back my dignity

canguro

Active Member
Today was a close one. Was doing pretty good, but got triggered and had very strong urges at work. I finally masturbated on the toilet there for the first time. I'm not proud of it, but the risk of relapsing when I come home was too big.

It is sad, how much of the progress I made this summer and fall is just drained down the gutter because of the relapses I had. I feel like the pathways in my brain are so strong again, like the months without porn just didn't exist.
I mean, it is just one week without porn and the urges are too strong for me. The problem is, that I lack the motivation, because I am not sure any longer, that I really want to quit and as soon as you dont know for sure you want to quit, you always have that nagging porn voice in your head.

I have to get back to a state where porn is not an option again. And that means I have to get back to a state where I want to improve my life and most important where I believe I can change my life for the better. Depression makes that really hard.

About my job: I talked with my supervisor
about problems at work and I hope this will help to solve some of the stress at work.

@Lord Gohan
Thanks for your advice, really interesting approach with the coin. Not a bad idea, it is not good to hold onto a job just out of false sense of duty or laziness.
On the other hand I am not sure if avoiding the stress is really helping me, because it has a lot to do with HOW I deal with stress.
 

canguro

Active Member
Relapsed again a few hours ago. My brain feels molten. I am a full scale addict again. I PMO, just so I can stop thinking about it and have my peace, because porn is on my mind all the time. The addiction is torturing me and I can't think straight anymore after having not watched for a few days. I am back at square one or at least close to it.

I have to reconsider my strategy, meaning I have to find a way to rebuilt my will to fight.
I don't want to end in an endless cycle of relapsing every few days and only fighting to survive the others. This is not living. This is barely existing.
It is in my hand.
The next days I want to write, why I wanted to quit initially.
 

canguro

Active Member
I wanted to write, why I wanted to quit initially and havent done that yet. It is a problem, that I dont want to think about it and invest time in it, as long as I am doing well. Thats a major problem.
Thats just avoidance.

1. lack of interest
I preferred porn over sex and wasn't attracted or interested physically in my girlfriends most of the time. That was not only, but also due to my porn use and the easy kick and "satisfaction" it provides without ever making one really happy. High dopamine, low Serotonine. That destroyed my relationships.
As long as I watch porn, I will never experience true intimacy.
2. PIED
Nothing more to say. This causes so much pain, I mustnt go back to it and cutting out porn is absolutely necessary for it.
3. Dopamine-Baseline
When I stopped porn, I experienced a huge increase im joy about normal activities. Thats because porn is literally frying your receptors with the huge amount of dopamine which leads to a lower baseline as countermeasure and less joy in things with a smaller kick.
The world gets more grey and boring and that is a killer together with my depression.

So much for today. I will write down three more the next days. Stay strong!
 
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D

Deleted member 22651

Guest
As you said in your previous post, its all in your hands. I can imagine that its difficult at the moment with everything going on around you.
Stay strong and keep making progress, no matter how small. The fact that you're here shows that you still want to kick the habit
 

canguro

Active Member
I am so loaded with dopamine atm.
I was ready to relapse, no kidding. I got to know a woman online and we wanted to meet and then she suddenly ghosted me. Thats something I have a hard time coping with because then the voice "why not porn? It doesnt matter" appears.
Like 15 minutes ago I got triggered and already started the pc, but then I realised I have the chance to talk to another woman I would like to get to know better in an hour which really safes me right now. No way I am going to PMO now and miss that because I put perverted filth over a real human.
But fuck, this was too close. I hope I can withstand aftwards and the next days.
 

canguro

Active Member
I am so glad I didn't relapse.
Did some Yoga and had a really good talk with an interesting woman. So much better than loosing my dignity again by sitting alone and jerking off to disgusting porn.

But this was way too close. Being rejected activates depressive and traumaticed neural circuitry in my brain. It is really hard for me, to keep a healthy mindset at this moment.
 
D

Deleted member 22651

Guest
Good job on not letting the urges and voices get to you, it can definitely be stressful. Rejection can be good depending on how you look at it, most of the time, we see it as failure and get too deep in it. Yeah you might have been rejected but you didn't give up, you held in there even if it was by a hair and you bounced back. Rejection teaches resilience and its also how you handle it that creates your character.

Keep going my dude!!
 

canguro

Active Member
One week clean of P and MO.
I'll try again to do it with masturbating a lot less. Before I tried with masturbating as a means to controll the urges. No urges for both atm.
Problem with my first try (4 months) was, that over time my penis got really sensitive because of nofap and when I masturbated (like every 20 days) I always came within seconds, which really scared me.
 

canguro

Active Member
Guys, I am doing good atm.
No porn thoughts, no interest in masturbating.
Going with the flow. On the other hand I know I would relapse, if I would do worse again.
The most important point in my journey is learning to deal with and overcoming depression.
 

canguro

Active Member
Two weeks Noporn and Nofap.
No urges for both the whole week.
Feeling very good right now!

Was with people the whole week and even a bit partying without alcohol, even though thats no longer my thing it was quite pleasant. Won't do that too often though. But being so socially active atm really helps me and is the key to beating my depression and anxiety issues.

On the other hand my shoulder and hip are injured since like two weeks and I haven't worked out very much. I hope to be able to get back to my routine soon.
Also meditated not very much and i want to get back to it more. And watch less tv but read more again.
But I think I am heading the right direction.
 
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