Journey to a better me

[Kid Gohan]

My relationship with porn started when I was quite you around 7yo. I walked into a video rental store and was glued to all these different titles on display and I couldn't take my eyes off them. A few months later I was up at night watching TV and some show came on with lots of nudity and sex which had me more intrigued. Another few months had passed when one day I was playing hide and seek with some friends during a power outage and my neighbour and I decided to hide somewhere and try to have sex, bit really knowing anything about it, we were both around the same age.

A few years had passed since that incident and I had moved to a new country, during my first year of high school I met my first girlfriend, everything was going well until the topic of sex came up. We decided to ditch school one day and try it out. A few hours after it happened we got a call from her mom who I'd never met before. She was furious and told me that she was getting her daughter tested and if she found out that I had taken her virginity she would do everything in her power to make sure I would end up in jail. Scared for my life, I spent the next few hours crying and thinking that my life was over and all the worst case scenarios possible.

moving forward a few months down the line our relationship was going well but we ended up breaking due to stupid kid reasons. I was single and heart broken and remembered a few friends of mine talking about the late night shows on MTV. One night I decided to see what the hype was about so I waited until my whole family was asleep, I turned on the TV on mute and watched for a few minutes before deciding to rub one out, it became a regular thing I did a few times a week on and off during my time in high school.

During my first year of Uni I got a laptop and moved from TV to pornsites. After a while I wanted to try out sex again without always having the pressure of someone's mum threatening me.

A friend of mine was super confident and always had girls he was sleeping with so I decided to stick with him and learn how he did it. Few weeks later I managed to go for a study session with a girl in my class and one thing lead to another. I was disappointed but still wanted more but went back to porn again but not as regularly.

Over time I had a few sexual partners and girlfriends but always went back to porn as it seemed like a normal thing that all boys my age did. I didn't think it had any negative impacts but always kept it to myself.

I'm now 25yo and for the latest 2 years my porn addiction has had the worst impact on my relationship. I've lied to her multiple times about it, its ruined our sex life and at times I can't get it up to save my life and its embarrassing. I promised her I wouldn't watch porn while she went away for a few days on a holiday but ended up doing it again. I've always thought that this was something I could over come by myself without any help as I'm not really one to talk about my problems to anyone. I'm currently looking to get some counselling and also came across this group from an article I read.

I'ts been since Friday without porn and I know it can be one of the hardest habits to get rid of. I don't want this to be part of my life any longer, I just want to be happy again and focus on growing my relationship and career

 

[Jeks]

Hey man, good thing you managed to identify the problem and are getting so serious about it to even come here. Tracking your own thoughts and using this forum to reflect and to interact with people, who are in a similar situation, can be really helpful. If you not already done it, check out yourbrainonporn.com. There they have the most informations about porn addictiond and PIED you can find, as well as just helpful tools you can try out to tackle this problem.
One important concept you should maybe eduacate yourself about is the concept of triggers. I just myself had bad experiences with not being aware of my triggers and not taking them seriously enough. Good luck man

 

[Kid Gohan]

Hey man, good thing you managed to identify the problem and are getting so serious about it to even come here. Tracking your own thoughts and using this forum to reflect and to interact with people, who are in a similar situation, can be really helpful. If you not already done it, check out yourbrainonporn.com. There they have the most informations about porn addictiond and PIED you can find, as well as just helpful tools you can try out to tackle this problem.
One important concept you should maybe eduacate yourself about is the concept of triggers. I just myself had bad experiences with not being aware of my triggers and not taking them seriously enough. Good luck man

Cheers mate, I appreciate the support and additional info. Will look into what you recommended and keep updating the forum. Hope your journey of improvement is going well

 

[Kid Gohan]

Day 2:

Ive talked to my partner about whats going on, although she was already fully aware of it and has begged me multiple times to stop for the sake of my mental well being and our relationship. This is something we've gone through a lot over the course of our relationship and at this rate she seems to be over me and my bullshit. I dont blame her for being mad at me, Ive lied to her and disappointed her too many times now and I count myself lucky and blessed that she hasn't left me. I understand where she is coming from and how she feels.

I told her I'd stop so many times before and she said that shes sick of hearing me say the same things without any real result.

Today I dont have any urges to watch porn and want to do everything possible to fix our sex life.
I found that watching porn is actually a selfish thing to do and it puts my needs above hers and above our relationship which is something I need to re-evaluate.

I work from home during the week and am used to doing what I want without thinking about consequences. I want to be a man who can look himself in the mirror and be happy about who I am and what I do everyday.

I plan on putting things in place to stop myself when I do get urges like going for a walk and being outside for a period of time to reflect on things better

Ive booked an appointment to get some counselling instead of trying to do this myself.

 

[Jeks]

Good luck with getting over the day. I also go to a psychotherapist and i think, it can only help.
One thing that gets people off guard is the fantasizing about P. For most peolpe after a certain amount of time fantasies about P are coming up. The problem with that is, that after a while you get urges from watching all this P in your own head, so it becomes nearly impossible not to relapse. You can also call it an iternal trigger, that nearly every addict has.
You probably gotta find a way to deal with those fantasies, because when you start to engage in this fantasies and you loose yourself in it, all willpower in the world wont be able to keep you away from P.
I use a specific technique, called the rabbit hole-technique, which i heard about on the the-brain-rebalanced-show (i think you can find it on youtube and also ybop.com).
The analogy is, that you are like a dog, who wants to hunt rabbits and as soon as you see a rabbit hole (trigger, fantasy) you wanna go in and hunt your rabbit. But as soon as you do that, the more you dig, the more likely it becomes to loose yourself in the hole.
So as soon as you see a rabbit hole, you gotta focus your mind on something else. Therefore you can just look at you sourroundings and start thinking about it. When you see a chair, start thinking about the chair: where did i buy it, when did i buy it, what is it made of, what other things are made out of wood, doors, how do doors work.... You do that until you pass the rabbit hole, meaning until the Image in your head is not hunting you anymore so badly. That technique helped me a ton.
There are surely other ways to deal with this problem. Again yourbrainonporn.com, especially the FAQ's, https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/
should be a good place to find stuff. But i am sure without a way for dealing with those fantasies, it will get really tough.

Good luck man

 

[Kid Gohan]

Good luck with getting over the day. I also go to a psychotherapist and i think, it can only help.
One thing that gets people off guard is the fantasizing about P. For most peolpe after a certain amount of time fantasies about P are coming up. The problem with that is, that after a while you get urges from watching all this P in your own head, so it becomes nearly impossible not to relapse. You can also call it an iternal trigger, that nearly every addict has.
You probably gotta find a way to deal with those fantasies, because when you start to engage in this fantasies and you loose yourself in it, all willpower in the world wont be able to keep you away from P.
I use a specific technique, called the rabbit hole-technique, which i heard about on the the-brain-rebalanced-show (i think you can find it on youtube and also ybop.com).
The analogy is, that you are like a dog, who wants to hunt rabbits and as soon as you see a rabbit hole (trigger, fantasy) you wanna go in and hunt your rabbit. But as soon as you do that, the more you dig, the more likely it becomes to loose yourself in the hole.
So as soon as you see a rabbit hole, you gotta focus your mind on something else. Therefore you can just look at you sourroundings and start thinking about it. When you see a chair, start thinking about the chair: where did i buy it, when did i buy it, what is it made of, what other things are made out of wood, doors, how do doors work.... You do that until you pass the rabbit hole, meaning until the Image in your head is not hunting you anymore so badly. That technique helped me a ton.
There are surely other ways to deal with this problem. Again yourbrainonporn.com, especially the FAQ's, https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/
should be a good place to find stuff. But i am sure without a way for dealing with those fantasies, it will get really tough.

Good luck man

Cheers my bro, you're right it's definitely not easy but it's worth it at the end of the day. For my own physical and mental wellbeing and for me to become a better man, I have to do it. My biggest obstacle will be fighting those thoughts when they do come up again, I know that's what caused the relapse previously

 

[Kid Gohan]

Day 3:

It's hard to stay positive when I know I've hurt and betrayed the one person who believed in me when I had no one. Things aren't as they used to be and I'm not sure if they ever will be.
She talked about leaving me soon and although I was scared, I also understand why she might. She needs someone who won't make her worry about things like this.
All I'm doing at the moment is taking it one day at a time. All the anger, the frustration and all the consequences that come with my actions. I can't keep apologising and saying it won't happen so instead I'm working on myself quietly eventually the results will show. I've cleansed my social media, deleted Instagram as it was previously a source of triggers. She doesn't trust me or believe anything I say I haven't really had a good track record of improving in this space. I don't know who to talk to in person or who to ask for help before I go see my counselor next week. All I can do in the mean time is just deal with everything as it comes.

No thoughts of porn today, just want to go to the gym and work out

 

[Flesh]

She talked about leaving me soon

I mean, that can be a fact or that can be a call. Women tend to do this to make you take action. idk where you are at in this relationship but if u show her that you are taking action for your mistakes and willing to not go back, this could be what she needs to hear and see (coz only actions matter to women in these situations).

Just an idea, but u could get that software (i can't remember the name) which allows her to see what you are doing on your pc and that kind of stuff

 

[Kid Gohan]

Day 7:
Its been over a week now since I last watched porn, the first few days went pretty well, had to deal with the consequences of my actions on my relationship, my partner and myself. Things are looking better and my partner hasn't really forgiven me but she's not making things difficult like last week.
My PIED is usually short term and I can get back to normal erections after about 4 days from the last time I watched porn, I feel blessed that it doesn't have long term effects and that's something I'm definitely looking to avoid. Libido is back to normal again too and had sex over the weekend.

I've had a few moments of weakness where I saw women who have bodies like the ones from the porn I used to watch and my mind started having dirty thoughts. This is going to be an issue and a trigger but so far I've managed to focus on other things to remove the thoughts.

I'm not someone who would ever cheat as I find it to be disrespectful and I don't like that I sometimes objectify women by their bodies. I know it will definitely take time before I see major improvements and I cant wait to hit the 3 month mark in my journey.

My biggest obstacles will be moments when I'm home alone and have triggers and moments of weakness.

"If it was easy then everyone would do it" - Someone famous

 

[Kid Gohan]

Day 8:

The thoughts are slowly creeping back in, its like my brain knows that there is something missing and is trying to fuel up the dopamine.
All I'm doing for now is focusing on work and taking small breaks outside. A couple more days until I go see my counsellor and talk to a professional about this.

Ive had a few thoughts today to look at soft porn pictures of curvy women and models but I know that wont make anything better. Im not going to let myself slip down that rabbit hole.

I wasn't feeling 100% happy last night, but I know its just a matter of time before all is back to normal.

My partner wants to have a chat about this habit, how its affected her and the future of our relationship. Im not really sure what to say that I haven't said before. Every time I tell her that I wont watch porn again I really do mean it but when the time comes to prove it, I let my guard down and end up back to square one.

I want things to be different this time and take the right steps to get to the other side of this problem. I have some links saved from @Jeks that Ill read if the thoughts get worse. Thank you all for your support so far. We will all come out of this better and stronger

 

[Flesh]

My partner wants to have a chat about this habit, how its affected her and the future of our relationship. Im not really sure what to say that I haven't said before. Every time I tell her that I wont watch porn again I really do mean it but when the time comes to prove it, I let my guard down and end up back to square one.

Instead of "I won't" maybe try a "I'm fighting with the addiction, I give my everything for it" or something like that, that way u don't make a promise u're not sure to keep.

Also, idk how the conversations about that goes but if u're in the accused position and u're trying to justify yourself or whatever, maybe try to take another sit in the room, like the one of the guy that discovered he had an addiction, coz he didn't know at first it was, and who's trying his best to get it off his life. I would say that this is the sit next to your wife, the accusators sits, and u guys are judging the accused which is the addiction.

 

[canguro]

would say that this is the sit next to your wife, the accusators sits, and u guys are judging the accused which is the addiction.

Great advice in my opinion! Don't be in the defensive position - be offensive against your addiction!

 

[Kid Gohan]

Instead of "I won't" maybe try a "I'm fighting with the addiction, I give my everything for it" or something like that, that way u don't make a promise u're not sure to keep.

@Flesh That is actually a different point of view I didn't think of before.

Great advice in my opinion! Don't be in the defensive position - be offensive against your addiction!

@canguro You're also right I've been going at it with a defensive approach to cover myself and my actions instead of a more proactive and realistic approach where there are no false promises.

 

[Kid Gohan]

Day 9:

Things are going somewhat well, haven't watched porn or masturbated since I started the journal but I've been here before and relapsed after a month. Its definitely a fight to prove how much I want to improve and kick the habit for good.

I haven't been motivated to go to the gym or follow my hobby to learn to code and its disappointing. I'm not kicking myself too hard for it, I know I'll get back on track. I get up at 5am for about 5 minutes and argue with myself about whether I should go to the gym and end up going back to bed, its not like me to do so. I was definitely more consistent with gym and coding over the last 2 months and I know I'm missing the feeling I get afterwards of achieving something and learning something new which always kickstarted my day positively.

I spend my mornings in bed sleeping in longer or just mindlessly scrolling through Facebook, its like my mind is looking for any trigger and trying to focus on the short term pleasures.

I've just read this article about short term pleasures over long term goals.

Why Your Brain Prioritizes Instant Gratification Over Long-Term Goals, According to Science

In many cases, logical reasoning isn't a strong enough motivator.

www.inc.com

My goal for the rest of the week is to make up for the lost days and put more focus on the my long term gym and coding goals. I need to give myself small rewards for achieving these tasks everyday or at the end of the week. The same thing worked when I slowly stopped smoking weed, I used it to reward myself on the weekend and worked harder during the week until I eventually didn't want to smoke weed anymore.

I've been looking to get back into gaming and plan to get myself a PS4 at the end of the month but only when I hit my personal work, gym and coding goals; and stay on track with kicking the porn habit. This will be a great reward and it will also give my partner I something to do together.

Thank you all for your support and advice so far.
Lets kick this addiction for good together!

 

[Flesh]

I spend my mornings in bed sleeping in longer or just mindlessly scrolling through Facebook, its like my mind is looking for any trigger and trying to focus on the short term pleasures.

Yep that's something I did, and I would think a lot of us did, u gotta learn to mastery the "why am I REALLY doing that". I've never been a social media scroller and started to look at insta for like 20-30min in bed in the morning, I got into KR prank with the rationalisation of "aha it's funny" while I was really watching it coz they always have very pretty girl as guests (i'm KR/japanese girl person lol).

When I understood what I was really doing (after 3-5 days), and how I was harming myself because I would have urges all day long and pretty hard, I stoped doing that and always asked myself if i'm genuinly interested in a content or if it's my damn brain looking for dopamine kicks, pretty easy to spot now.

 

[Kid Gohan]

Day 10:

I've managed to clear all my social media of any kind of triggers, cleansed my Instagram feed a few months ago of any curvy girls (PAWG/BBW, that's my kink). I used to scroll throughout the day and follow all these pages until my feed was nothing but girls with big butts and tiddies and thought that it was a better replacement for porn but eventually it also triggered PIED. My Instagram feed is now just memes and technology stuff but I think it was for the best to delete the app for a while until I feel like I can have better self control. Even on Facebook, I followed some meme pages that occasionally posted naked girls, thick girls in bikinis or twerking and I could get lost in those pages for hours in the morning before starting work. It became a routine that I wasn't proud of so I removed it all.

I've had some micro urges to look for some triggers recently and even found myself on one of the old meme pages but I left and was glad I didn't come across anything.

Things have been going pretty well other than that. Although she still doesn't trust me, I don't want to lie to my partner if she asks me if I've watched or looked at anything remotely sexual and I especially don't want to lie to myself, trying to justify it by saying that everyone does it or that im not the only one and its just a few pictures. Ive gone longer without porn before but I still had social media feeds with triggers that kept me going so Im not sure if that counts as porn or not.

Went to sleep late last night so I didnt hit the gym this morning, its not a major deal but I feel like im losing all the progress I made over tha last few months. I need to have better self control about this, especially if I want to get this PS4.

Since finding this forum I definitely feel a lot more confident about my progress and feel like i'm taking the right steps. Its still going to be a long journey but its good to know that I'm not going through this alone.

Im seeing a counselor for the first time in months this afternoon and based on a chat we had earlier I already feel like im in the right hands (she specializes in addiction and has years of experience in this field).

Another day happier with myself and my progress in this journey.

Wishing you all the best in your tracks to kick the habit.

 

[Flesh]

There also a nofap forum with a lot more people if you want to extend the range of social interaction you can have witht this community

 

[Kid Gohan]

There also a nofap forum with a lot more people if you want to extend the range of social interaction you can have witht this community

Thanks for that bro, I feel like a bit more interaction would add more accountability and would make the whole process a little better

 

[Kid Gohan]

Day 11:

Soooo... my girlfriend broke up with me.
I planned on having our serious chat about my habit and it's effects on the relationship and our future after seeing my therapist yesterday which I did. She asked me if I thought I would ever watch porn again and instead of giving her the answer she wanted to hear, I was honest and said that I can't promise that and it's an addiction but I'm taking better steps than I did previously and I'm putting in more effort than before.

I really feel like this time is different, I'm fighting my demons more actively and taking things one day at a time. We've had some good sex recently too but she said it wasn't enough and she always thinks at the back of her head that one day I'll slip up again and it's just a matter of time. She doesn't feel comfortable doing certain things with me when it comes to sex because I've ruined things for us and she doesn't look at me in the same light again.

I understand that she's hurt by my actions and doesn't want to deal with it anymore, it's effected her too and she hasn't had anyone to talk to about this. I hate that I'm taking up so much negative space in her head and I've never liked being the reason why someone is unhappy, especially someone that I care about.

I'm not going to let this get in the way of my progress. Whether this is really the end or not, I'll do everything I can to make it up to her. She's been nothing but amazing to me throughout the last 2 years and has helped me grow into a better man and I fucked it up by not putting in more effort when it mattered most. She's cried countless times over this issue.

Porn isn't going to keep ruining my life like this, because of my addiction I've only been half the boyfriend I could have been, I didn't make the best decisions, I didn't dedicate more time with her and I let down the most important person who believed in me even when I didnt.

I'll keep fighting until the last day

 

[Flesh]

Sorry to read that. But as the end of your post suggests, u take it like "ok fair enough" and you seem to see the situation objectively and take responsibilities which is absolutely admirable, i'm happy for you. This will only allow you to grow from there.