Journey to a better me

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Deleted member 22651

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Day 106:

Cleansing my instagram was a great decision, after some reflection last night I realised that I was slowly falling back on some of my old ways. I did a final cleanse of all tempting accounts, and the one hour time lock is working wonders. I always remind myself that I have limited time on the app so I jump off rather quickly which has brought down my overall phone use time.

Had some issues getting hard last night after I spent some time looking at those accounts one more time before I removed them, not my proudest moment in this journey. After I explained to my partner why it happened, everything went back to normal and we had some great sex. Now its just a matter of staying on track and not feeding my mind with bullshit ideas that dont align with my goals.

I havent gone to the gym or meditated in so long, mainly because im getting better at web development and thats where 90% of my spare time goes now. Hopefully by the end of the year I can change industries and become a paid developer
 
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Deleted member 22651

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Day 112:

Honesty makes everything better.

Had some great intimate sex a couple of days ago, I was harder than a Junior Developer Coding interview and everything was going well, for some reason, I couldn't cum. Since cleansing my IG, I haven't looked at any tempting stuff anywhere online and Im still proud of my progress but was very confused. We went for a good while before she tapped out, she was satisfied and slept like a baby, but I was still awake wondering why I didnt cum. The next day I woke up not feeling my best mentally, couldn't bring myself to code no matter how much I tried, had no energy for work and thought of taking a mental day. Halfway through the day, I realised that this mood was caused by my lack of cumming the night before. Although I didnt want to, I had an internal battle of whether I should MO to get rid of this depressing feeling.

I did it a few minutes later (purely from memory of the previous nights sex) and my energy levels were back to normal maybe even higher. Usually when I MO, I keep it to myself which ends up eating my conscious, this time I decided to tell my partner when she got home (felt a little childish doing so, but it also felt right). She accepted and was happy that I told her and that I was feeling better.

It felt good not to have anything to hide, I had a clear conscious and no issues with getting an erection.
I like to MO for times when I know I wont have sex for a while but I felt it was needed this time to get rid of the depressing mood I was feeling.

Today I feel great, no side effects, no urges, just back on track and even started meditating again.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Honesty is a beautiful thing. I'm glad everything is going well for you and that you're making great progress! 112 days!
 
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Deleted member 22651

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Day 117:

Its been an interesting last week, I've been practicing self control and my emotions when I get too horny and don't get sex, its been alright so far but still some work to do around that. In the mean time, I've been ignoring any minor urges and focus on anything else... this week being weed.

I've started smoking weed a lot more regularly that anticipated and I'm not happy about it. I have no one to blame but myself and letting my environment get the best of me. As much as I love weed, I dont want to let myself fall back to old habits so its time I cut it out for a few months again.

My partner just got covid and I've been taking care of her all weekend, safe to say I'll go another week without sex, good time to practice more self control and not use any substances. Porn, smoking and drinking aren't who I am anymore and I want things to stay that way. I dont want to see myself post that I've relapsed because I let another part of me become weak and lead up to that moment. Being disciplined is hard sometimes but its worth it in the long run for the change I want to see in myself.

New week, New challenges, New and improved plans and routines!!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I dont want to see myself post that I've relapsed because I let another part of me become weak and lead up to that moment. Being disciplined is hard sometimes but its worth it in the long run for the change I want to see in myself.
This. I absolutely resonate with.

"Being disciplined is hard sometimes but its worth it in the long run for the change I want to see in myself."
You know I find myself saying this too, that discipline is hard. But if you look at it truthfully from the our side, with all the unnecessary struggles we've gone through trying to quit all this shit, can we really say this side is any easier? At this moment in my life, I've been slowly realizing that discipline might be easier than no discipline. Just a mind trick to think about.

Discipline is a wonderful thing. Let us cherish it like our life depends on it. Speaking of which, I need to get back to studying!

You're kicking ass man. Great job!
 

canguro

Active Member
@Blondie
Discipline is never easy. Easy in this context means it needs little effort to overcome what is holding us back like laziness or anxiety. Not being disciplined is always less hard, because you give in to those things and just do nothing. But is it less painful? Certainly not, on the contrary, but discipline is very rewarding.
I really like the channel Better Ideas and this vid really nails it.

 
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Blondie

Respected Member
@Blondie
Discipline is never easy. Easy in this context means it needs little effort to overcome what is holding us back like laziness or anxiety. Not being disciplined is always less hard, because you give in to those things and just do nothing. But is it less painful? Certainly not, on the contrary, as discipline is very rewarding.
I really like the channel Better Ideas and this vid really nails it.

Truth. Discipline is definitely harder, but I was just stating that all the benefits of discipline far outweigh the difficulties of not being disciplined. Thus, for me at least, it's better to play a mind trick on myself and say it's easier then saying how hard it is etc. Our brains play mind tricks on us all, we might as well do one up on them!

Thanks for the video Canguro. That was very motivational! I hope both you guys keep kicking ass!
 
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Deleted member 22651

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@Blondie Thanks man, I like your approach to this. You're so right too, discipline is better than no discipline, otherwise we wouldnt get so far in our journeys, careers or even saving to travel and do things we like.
 
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Deleted member 22651

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Day 124:

Life is all about choices, how we choose to react to events around us, how we choose to deal with our stress, and how we choose to live our lives.
Most things are outside our control, learning to control whats within and align it with what we expect of ourselves, and what we believe in or want then we start moving towards that version of ourselves we want to be.

Either way, there are consequences.
 
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Deleted member 22651

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Day 125:

Bit of a struggle today, thought I'd come back and read some old posts to remind myself of how far I came.
Getting small urges in waves, which is weird because I haven't had any in a while.
Almost looked at some NSFW images but caught myself before I finished typing.

Trying out a new routine today to be more focused on what I do and less distracted. so far I give it a 4/10.

This could be different for everyone but, how can one go about really getting over this addiction? I'm ready to move on from this and no longer have it as part of my life.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Good job Lord Gohan.

I have to make this quick today. But I thought I'd throw in my two cents. I think a big process of truly getting over this habit is understanding why you keep doing it? Because for many of us here, we don't run to porn anymore just because "girls are the best" "butts are sexy" etc. We unfortunately have moved well beyond those days. Of course, that factor is always a big part of it (at least for me), but when I've relapsed in the past, it's so much more than just that. Usually it's me trying to escape from my emotions, I'm angry, unhappy with my life, etc., and thus, I run off to use the one thing that has always made me forget about my problems, porn.

Thus, at least for me, learning how to truly get over this addiction is really learning to understand yourself and be 100% honest and ask, why do I even look at porn? What has porn ever done for me? Because, and I believe this with all my heart, if someone really makes the decision to stop viewing porn, they can quit cold turkey, at least for a good while, be it 3 months, 1 year etc. A strong will is a beautiful thing! But eventually, if you haven't taken care of that void in your life, that lack of something (you fill in the blank that porn was fulfilling), then you're bound to screw up and relapse. At least that's the case for me, my longest streak being 530 something days. Thus, now I'm working on my discipline, I'm working on my goals, I'm working on my relationship, my body etc., and trying to learn new ways to find mental peace besides staring at pixels for hours at end. Meditation seems to help

That's my two cents. I know you can get over this Lord Gohan, and I know I will get over it too! This shit doesn't define us, nor does it control us!

Keep killing it brother!
 
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Cheers Blondie, I always appreciate your point of view on things.

I think for me, its a mix of the type of women I find attractive and stress. For as long as I can remember, I've always been into a specific look in women, even when I tried dating/sleeping with women outside that type I wasn't as happy as I wanted (other than my first girlfriend). I even tried telling myself to be happy during those times but it felt unnatural for me. Its almost like a job, if you're not happy and tell yourself that you are, the real feelings build up in the background and eventually resurface.

My girlfriend fits the type of women I'm naturally attracted to, so lately its been purely stress and frustration at other things (mainly coding and work). Although I've been managing myself pretty well lately, I know there's still room for improvement for stress management. I understand that things wont turn around instantly, it takes time to build new habits and discipline and that the real tests are moments when I feel like going back to old ways and how I deal with that. Although I'm aware of this, I still get frustrated when things aren't going to plan or I'm not getting the results I want. Meditation and gym definitely help and I need to make time in my day for gym again.

I know we'll get through this as long as we're consistent and truly want to get over this habit. Here's to new and better habits and being in control of our lives 100%!!

Day 126.
 
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Deleted member 22651

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Day 131:

I've been feeling a little selfish recently and I'm not too happy about it. I've let some of the stress I'm going through get the best of me. A few days ago, I made a tumblr account as a way to express some of my thoughts that I dont talk about, the weird, confusing and selfish thoughts in order to get them out of my head. Eventually it turned into a place for me to secretly look at NSFW stuff. I started questioning myself and wondering why I struggle at times with this.

I'm fully aware that its not something I should do but for as long as I remember, I've always been good at justifying my negative actions to myself.

Although I'm happy I havent watched any porn videos or PMO'd to any of the images, I know I could have gone without looking at the NSFW content. I think it might be the built-up effects of not really dealing with my stress properly from Day 125.

I got lazy after a while and haven't been proactive about my replacement habits. I almost want to reset my counter to 0 again as I feel like it was basically porn even without the PMO.
 
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Day 0:

I hate to say it but I've relapsed.

I saw it coming a few days ago and dint do anything about it.
Not going to waste time writing about how disappointed I am in myself, let myself down or anything like that.

All I can do now is reflect, learn and bounce back with a better approach.
Might need to go see my counselor again though.
 

canguro

Active Member
Hey man, sorry to hear about your relapse!
Stay strong the next days and weeks and don't fall for mindtricks like "it doesn't matter now that the streak is broken".
Never give up!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey man, sorry to hear about your relapse. You had a hell of a streak, and that is to be praised. I concur with Canguro, don't let your mind tell you it's okay now, since you slipped. Dust yourself off and keep on moving! You mentioned that you should have done certain things over the last couple of days, what were these things? Whatever it was, reflect on them, and learn from this.

You got this! Don't be too hard on yourself, you made great gains.
 
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Deleted member 22651

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Day 1:

I'm no longer annoyed and disappointed at myself. I've come a long way from where I used to be and I'm proud of how far I've come in this journey. Set backs happen to everyone, and what matters most is how we bounce back from them.

My recent relapse was definitely because I had a lot going on in life and I tried to juggle it all and didnt focus on stress management. My daily routine for the last couple of months was: Wake up, code, work, code, sleep... rarely ever making time to eat or spend a few minutes with my girl. Its good to have a routine but there needs to be time outside of that for other equally important things that make me happy.

Shit happens, doesnt mean I'll sit here and accept the shit or pity myself for it.

Im fucking dope, nothing will stop me from being the better version of myself I want to be, not even me!!

Onward and forward we go!!!
 
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Deleted member 22651

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@canguro @Blondie Thank you guys for the support and advice. I'm glad it happened as it made me realise that there is still room for improvement and to take time out of my day to breathe and relax. No brain fog or other side effects to report and no PIED last night either. To me it shows that I made some major improvements. Im not letting this setback define me in anyway.
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Hey Gohan, don't let yourself binge and don't let your guard down.

When I relapsed I basically gave up for a little while and it's taken me a while to get my streak going again.

You haven't undone all of your good work but with every PMO it'll just make it harder to get rid of the addiction again.

You can do it mate.
 
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