My Journey to Reboot

Rebel79

Member
It's easy at this point to talk yourself into falling back into bad habits. Just think of how far you have gone when you really put effort into it. You know that spiraling into porn use will not make you happy; you definitely don't want that on top of all your marriage problems. I'm sorry your going through hard times with your wife right now. That is some of the deepest hurt I know. You still got this!
Thanks man, we are talking still and she hasn’t left yet so I cling to that hope and I’m striving to overcome my faults.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Sorry to hear how you're feeling. Get back on the horse and move past it. You stopped yourself. You are not starting over. Continue on this path and things will improve. You're an addict. We all are and it's not easy to walk away. Keep fighting. You got this.
 
It's hard to be completely honest because you care what she thinks about you.

On the other hand, from an earlier comment you made it sounded to ME like this is a really, REALLY good woman you have and someone you can (and should) be honest with.

Now ... it is completely natural that seeing something titilating makes you crave sexual behavior. That's how you were designed.

So now, are you saying your wife took off her top and you felt the urge to touch them? Frankly, dude, if that's the case, if your wife took off her top and you felt the urge to touch them ... isn't that what we're shooting for? Who cares, then, if your horniness was triggered by a scene in a movie? You wanted to engage in a sexual act with your real, actual spouse. Isn't that what we want? It sounds like you're overthinking this.

So, what the fuck is wrong with you? Nothing in this scenario that I can see. I guess it's not really clear what happened here. What upset her? Did your sexual advance upset her? Did talking about your fears for your reason for wanting to make the sexual advance upset her?
 
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guiganvoger

Active Member
So, i'm gathering that you feel guilty because you were inspired to have sex due to a nude scene you watched. It also sounds like you had the feeling like you wanted to touch the girls tits in the scene, instead of act out. What I'm gathering from this is that you had a sexual urge from unexpected content and instead of acting out of impulse you had sex with your wife instead.

I think that I can agree with Ive, that you may be overthinking this. I think when arousal happens and you feel inspired to do something about it, reaching out to your sexual partner is the healthiest option.

I could understand the guilt if you are coming from a place of shame about using fantasy when engaged with your wife though. I have been there before and it was a hard cycle to break once it became a regular thing. We started having more eyes open and on each other sex which helped a lot.

Don't be too hard on yourself Rebel, especially for natural things like sexual urges. It's what we do with them that counts.
 

Rebel79

Member
So I’ve deleted that post because I realized I wasn’t being clear and honest with what happened. So allow me to clarify.

we were watching Titans and there was a sex scene earlier in the episode that while I felt a bit uncomfortable I was able to be okay with it. The scene that got me was the scene at a peep show where I knew as soon as it started I was going to see nudity. I knew this was a trigger for me but instead of using my strategies that worked in the past for me ( closing my eyes, looking at my iPad and not the screen but still listening to what was going on) I made the choice to keep watching, then when the nudity did happen again I had the choice to not look at it but I got excited and I justified to myself that I was going to power through it and not let it affect me. Of course it did and I didn’t stop it till the scene was over. My wife was watching me the whole time during this and saw me focused in on the actress’s tits instead of what was going on. After it was over I stopped it and said we needed to go have a cigarette and talk. As she was changing clothes to go outside I said “Stop” went over to her and starred at her tits and touched them. But that’s all I did. We didn’t have sex or any kind of sexual activity afterwards and when we talked I lied about what was really going on and tried to downplay or justify things instead of owning that I had made the conscience choice to engage in the behavior and then felt shame and guilt and tried to replace it by looking at her and touching her. It made her feel very uncomfortable and like I wasn’t really interested in her but simply using her. We talked a lot more today and I finally owned up that I slipped up and made the choice to act out. Sorry for the confusion and misleading of the situation. It’s unfortunately still my MO.
 
Well, can you just tell her "I screwed up"?

I would think she wants you to desire her. I can see perhaps her being thrown off by your sudden interest after she knew what you had seen. And maybe felt like you weren't really appreciating her own breasts. Which I'm sure is not true.

One big difference between men and women is that when it comes to sex, men are typically more visual than emotional, and women have a lot more emotion wrapped up in their arousal. I think a lot of women don't get that men do tend to need that visual stimulation. That that is the way we are wired. And we would do well to remember that they need to feel an emotional connection when it comes to engaging in intimacy.

"Oh, you're just interested in my tits and not in me?". You and I know it's more complicated than that. But she needs to know that that is not actually what's going on here. And she almost needs to be shown rather than told.

I'm sorry I can't really tell you how to do that. But I do know that that is what is true.

If you didn't want to get back to and improve your real relationship with her, you would not be on this journey to leave p*** behind.

So I know you want it to work out. I guess now you know. Next time, close your eyes.

Let her know you want to rewire, with her. And that you need her help.
 

guiganvoger

Active Member
It's hard to be honest with your wife but I'm glad you were able to. Telling my wife the truth first has always landed me in a better spot both with her and myself. Lying about it never got me the relief I needed in the long term. I can tell that you care for your wife and you want to do the right thing. Keep being open and honest with her and you will thank yourself for it and she will be much happier as well. Rooting for you!
 

Daylo

New Member
So I’ve deleted that post because I realized I wasn’t being clear and honest with what happened. So allow me to clarify.

we were watching Titans and there was a sex scene earlier in the episode that while I felt a bit uncomfortable I was able to be okay with it. The scene that got me was the scene at a peep show where I knew as soon as it started I was going to see nudity. I knew this was a trigger for me but instead of using my strategies that worked in the past for me ( closing my eyes, looking at my iPad and not the screen but still listening to what was going on) I made the choice to keep watching, then when the nudity did happen again I had the choice to not look at it but I got excited and I justified to myself that I was going to power through it and not let it affect me. Of course it did and I didn’t stop it till the scene was over. My wife was watching me the whole time during this and saw me focused in on the actress’s tits instead of what was going on. After it was over I stopped it and said we needed to go have a cigarette and talk. As she was changing clothes to go outside I said “Stop” went over to her and starred at her tits and touched them. But that’s all I did. We didn’t have sex or any kind of sexual activity afterwards and when we talked I lied about what was really going on and tried to downplay or justify things instead of owning that I had made the conscience choice to engage in the behavior and then felt shame and guilt and tried to replace it by looking at her and touching her. It made her feel very uncomfortable and like I wasn’t really interested in her but simply using her. We talked a lot more today and I finally owned up that I slipped up and made the choice to act out. Sorry for the confusion and misleading of the situation. It’s unfortunately still my MO.
My wife always seems to appreciate unsolicited honesty. Like she doesn’t have to force the truth out of me so it feels more genuine to her. Keep telling her how beautiful she is to you even when you don’t plan on having sex.
 

Rebel79

Member
So things are going good, was able to finally give some closure to my wife about my affairs and being doing really good with my recovery, no slips and no urges. Really enjoying the momentum I’ve got and I’m making sure I continue being honest and open with my wife and with those helping me with my recovery. Just need to find some good ways to cope with work stress. I’ve tried meditating but by that point I’m at desk flip level of stress that it’s hard to calm down. The good news is that stress isn’t making me want to act out. It’s more of a anger reaction to the stress instead of the anxiety followed by acting out reaction I use to have.
 

unchained

Active Member
I'm back in the early parts of recovery, but I've had some success in the past. Think of meditation as preventative. It's like a brain-muscle you exercise to control your thought process. Make the muscle strong with daily exercise and it will be there when needed. Waiting until you are in the moment is like asking a skinny kid to pick up 400 lbs.

You are kicking ass. I appreciate your journal. I will pray for your recovery and that your marriage heals.
 

guiganvoger

Active Member
I understand about anger reactions. I have been trying to get into a daily habit of meditating in the morning. I feel like it helps me prep myself for whatever stress might occur that day. I’m glad that you were able to have some closure with your wife and at least take some of the marital stress off of the table, that has got to help with the anxiety at least.
 

Rebel79

Member
So things have been going better, got a new job I’m starting soon. Me and my wife are talking more. I am a little worried about traveling and urges. Anyone got any tips for traveling? Thanks
 

Rebel79

Member
Things have been rough this past couple of weeks, I screwed up big with my wife so we’ve been fight a lot more and are pretty much roommates but last night we had a somewhat calm conversation and was able to give her a little more of what she’d needed. Started a new job which has really been positive change for me. It’s got me in a better mood.
 

guiganvoger

Active Member
I can become defensive at times with my wife and it makes communication hard because both of us want to have the other one acknowledge the pain they have caused. Some time apart to think and reflect can sometimes be a good thing. It can bring you both back together ready to accept and work through issues. Congrats on the new job! Hopefully that brings you new confidence in yourself.
 
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