Journal of an Addict Who's Trying to be a Focused Artist

(Insert Painting - Removed)
Painting by FapsAreForLosers - 2021, Inspired by Vikings
Sexual Transmutation is re-directing the mind from thoughts of physical expression to thoughts of another creative effort.

In this Journal, I will write about my experiences as an addict, trying to focus but distracted by erotic thoughts and urges. I will write my steps and progress of battling this addiction and my art skill progress as my focus improves (I'm not a professional or expert artist).


Background
  • Started watching porn since age 10, It was introduced to me by my older cousins. Since then, I watch porn like once a month.
  • At age, 13, I discovered masturbation and watched porn a lot, and did it once every night. And goes a lot worse as I get older. Porn and fapped averagely twice a day. I started to have a brain fog, I can't focus a lot, being distracted by erotic thoughts, absent minded, and super shy than before. I was always called stupid because of this, it almost became my nickname. Every time I relapse, I feel guilty and ashamed for what I've done. I can't look people's faces and always looking down because of these. I want to hide myself from anyone.
  • At age, 15, I tried to abstain from this addiction but failed many times due to boredom, and solitude ( I live alone). I still experience a lot of brain fog and other bad effects of this addiction. I really feel bad about my self.
  • At age 17, Still Continuing my battle and lessen watching and fapping. I usually relapse on day 14 - 30 and my confidence is slightly improved. I reached day 90+ twice and 110+ once, with these amount of days abstaining, I have a clear mind, better focus and my confidence peaked. I no longer shake or partly covering my face when I'm talking, had confident body language and conversation skills improved. I really feel like I'm on top of the world. I sometimes lead in group activity, share my ideas, nailing reports in front of many people and aced my programming subject. I've done a lot of things that I can't before.
  • At age 18, Covid-19 impacts the world, and this quarantine became my downfall. PMO addiction got worse and became what I was like at age 13-16. I feel pathetic. I feel like I lost control over my life, feeling disconnected again from my friends, feeling depressed, unfocused, workout routine stopped, and failed 6 classes in university this year. Decided to Shift from BS in Computer Science To Fine Arts not because I failed, but I feel it's my calling. ( I really don't know what to take in college but I took BSCS since I got high grades from senior high and also it has a high salary and job security than my other-option degrees but I don't feel happy doing it anymore.)
Thanks for reading, feel free to leave a comment...
 
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Day 1: No urge experienced, and focused well on my drawing and painting practice. Easy day, I feel like I can see the light at the end of this fcking dark tunnel of self sabotaging addiction.
 
Day 2: I had some erotic thoughts while painting, I just easily brush it off by taking deep breathes while eyes closed and divert my attention to my art piece. (Updating this journal in 1:45 AM since fapping to porn weeks ago destroyed my sleeping schedule and I'm trying to fix it. Fck porn)
 
D

Deleted member 22651

Guest
man... Relapsed again... fck this temptation and I really don't have some self discipline. While watching " Dang this is so great!" after finishing "WTF am I watching?! Disgusting as fck... What in the world did I turned to." The porn categories that I watch are getting weirder and I want to quit.
I feel you on this one brother, its definitely not the best feeling especially afterwards, realizing that its a serious problem. youve done 110 days before which is amazing and Covid got the best of most of us too. Its good that you are aware of these things and are doing what you can to improve and get back on track. Keep up the progress. I look forward to reading about how you get on and the positive habits you adapt along the way
 
Day 3: I made myself busier than ever, doubled my art practice time plus doing house chores. Some erotic thoughts flashed in my head again but I didn't gave in to it since I have better things to do than jacking myself off and feel miserable. Seems like I'm doing right with this strategy since boredom and scrolling on social media gives me urges most of the time.
 
I feel you on this one brother, its definitely not the best feeling especially afterwards, realizing that its a serious problem. youve done 110 days before which is amazing and Covid got the best of most of us too. Its good that you are aware of these things and are doing what you can to improve and get back on track. Keep up the progress. I look forward to reading about how you get on and the positive habits you adapt along the way
Thank you for commenting and I'm happy to know you're giving me your support. l wish for our successful recovery and you'll have my support as well. We can do this! Comments like these makes me feel more motivated to win since I don't want to fail everyone who cheered, support, and trust me to achieve my victory.
 
Day 4: Experienced withdrawal symptoms such as shaking (especially my right hand - lol) and I can't sleep at night since I'm used to use fapping as my sleeping aid. I used to fap no matter how many times until I feel sleepy, I even got to a point where I need to use my left hand! I spent three hours lying on my bed in a cold dark room focusing to sleep but end up staring at the ceiling. It is really hard to sleep when those dirty thoughts flashes every time I close my eyes. Instead of giving in, I read the remaining pages of your brain on porn and learned a lot about this addiction and how to beat it. Finally I got sleepy at 5 AM, but it kinda feels bad since I wasted three hours doing nothing instead of a productive one. I know withdrawal symptoms won't stop at this day and someday it will hit me hard, but I'll be strong to withstand it 'cause I'm really desperate to escape from this abyss and I've been doing it for fucking 4 years.

BTW here's some digital painting (removed) I did at the last week of July, it was inspired my Knightfall series. In this month(August) I started to practice everyday to accelerate my progress since I only practice twice a month before and I only started on January. I want to get on a level of some artist that I've been looking up to like WLOP, 666k and Ilya Kuvshinov.
 
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Day 3: I made myself busier than ever, doubled my art practice time plus doing house chores. Some erotic thoughts flashed in my head again but I didn't gave in to it since I have better things to do than jacking myself off and feel miserable. Seems like I'm doing right with this strategy since boredom and scrolling on social media gives me urges most of the time.
I can relate well with this. We need to keep ourselves busy at all times so that those thoughts and urges don't have time to incubate and fester. Too much free time is when the boredom can hit which leads to social media scrolling which leads to porn. Stay strong, fellow rebooter!

P.S. Your artwork is just astoundingly good!
 
I can relate well with this. We need to keep ourselves busy at all times so that those thoughts and urges don't have time to incubate and fester. Too much free time is when the boredom can hit which leads to social media scrolling which leads to porn. Stay strong, fellow rebooter!

P.S. Your artwork is just astoundingly good!
Thank you so much for complimenting my artwork! Stay strong too and never give up fellow rebooter!
 

PeteSL

Member
Hey man, read through your story. It is very important that you have managed 110 days in the past. You have a lot of let’s say “mental templates” to base the full rebooting on.

As a musician, I can totally relate to the distraction that intrusive P thoughts cause, and the harm that this brings about to the artistic process.
I also feel you about covid. Probably worsened the situation for everyone. I was mustering up the courage for cutting off P before covid. But after the quarantines kicked in, I was back to PMO with much higher severity.

Dig your artwork as well, as well as the theme of your thread of sharing art along with the reboot process! Great idea!
Wish you the best! Keep it up!
 
Hey man, read through your story. It is very important that you have managed 110 days in the past. You have a lot of let’s say “mental templates” to base the full rebooting on.

As a musician, I can totally relate to the distraction that intrusive P thoughts cause, and the harm that this brings about to the artistic process.
I also feel you about covid. Probably worsened the situation for everyone. I was mustering up the courage for cutting off P before covid. But after the quarantines kicked in, I was back to PMO with much higher severity.

Dig your artwork as well, as well as the theme of your thread of sharing art along with the reboot process! Great idea!
Wish you the best! Keep it up!
Thank you for commenting on this thread and for wishing me the best. It is true that covid worsened the situation for everyone. Covid shit and quarantines might be beyond our control but we can control ourselves and do better. I hope you'll stay strong, withstand the urges, practice music than jacking off and feel miserable, and NEVER GIVE UP! Best wishes on our reboot process.
 
Day 7: Didn't update this thread for few days since I've become very busy preparing my papers to shift courses and doing my art practices. Those fucking urges didn't come at all while I'm just doing what I need to do. Happy first week of no PMO for me woohoo! Cheers!
 
Day 11: It's been a while, my past few days are still the same, art practice, house chores to occupy my free time where my urge usually happens. But on day 8, I added a workout to my routine, and it feels so great after doing it. I'm slowly taking steps to build a better image of myself.

Urges on day 9 to now are stronger but somehow managed to resist it. I keep having an urge to fap, but I don't want to so I want to have sex instead, but I can't. I don't even have a girlfriend and I don't know how to get one. I have no dating experience and I was rejected before...by my best friend lol. I always feel not enough to a girl that I like when I think of having a relationship with her.

Most of the time, I want to feel real affection from a real woman rather than fantasizing about it while watching on a screen. Maybe the reason I continued to watch porn before was because of a lack of affection from someone but wanting to have it.
 
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Crysler

Member
I keep having an urge to fap, but I don't want to so I want to have sex instead, but I can't. I don't even have a girlfriend and I don't know how to get one. I have no dating experience and I was rejected before...by my best friend lol. I always feel not enough to a girl that I like when I think of having a relationship with her.
Just date someone, mate - they will not bite you )
Think of it as a game, if you win - then you good to go, but if you fail - you always can retry and nothing bad will happen.
If you want not a girlfriend (for relationship), but a girl you can hug/touch/kiss (or maybe have sex with), then visit some places, like restaraunts, clubs maybe.
There are usually plenty of "available" girls, especially if you have money in your pocket :D
Just don't forget about protection, always have a condom by yourself.
 
D

Deleted member 22651

Guest
I don't even have a girlfriend and I don't know how to get one. I have no dating experience and I was rejected before...by my best friend lol. I always feel not enough to a girl that I like when I think of having a relationship with her.

Rejection is part of the process my bro, she just wasn't the one and that's okay, don't let it get to you too hard and affect the real work you're doing to improve yourself. I would recommend joining some social clubs of things you enjoy or things you want to try. You're more likely to meet like minded people and form better friendships that way. Its a bit weird and nerve racking to step out of your comfort zone at first but don't give up
 
@Crysler, thanks for your advice, I know girls won't bite me if I date them (unlike in Tokyo Ghoul), but there is still this fear that holds me back. Pretty girls give me anxiety every time I try to talk to them. I remember some pretty girls, at a different time, winked at me but I don't know what to do or what to say. My mind just goes blank.

There's this one girl one time in our school's Christmas party, we crossed paths together and our eyes met. She bit her lips first and winked at me and I was like, holy fuck, I'm completely turned on. She's the girl of my type but my shyness took the best of me. I just looked away as if I'm saying I don't have an interest but in my mind, it's completely different. And also when I was at my 9th grade, some girl did a flying kiss to me. A year later, we became classmates and sat together on our exam day. She kept on putting her legs next to mine, she even put it on top of my thighs. I can't focus on my exam by thinking that I'm fucking her already. I thought of asking her out but, you already know, my stupid shy brain hold me back. I lost a lot of many opportunities because of my shyness, not only in potential love partners.

@Lord Wuhan, thank you for your advice, I got over it after she rejected me. She told me that she liked me before but I rejected her, but after that, I started thinking about her and thought of giving it a chance. A month after that, I told her that I like her, that's when she turned me down but she'll answer me if we turned 18. We slowly lose contact after that because it just feels so awkward after that and I was hurt by my own expectation. She's 18 now, and I'm 19 but she already has someone else...before she turned 18. We lost communication after I moved into a different city.

There are not many social clubs here that I know of but, I know I'll meet same-minded people in my university. There are a lot more girls taking Fine Arts degree, my current course, than BSCS, where there are only around 5 girls...and they don't even know how to code.

I read a lot about your experiences with women in your forum, I hope you can teach me how to talk to women and escalate it to relationships or just sex. I also look forward to telling me how you two guys do it or tell me about your experience (if that's okay). Maybe I'll learn more about it. I know I can learn lots of things from my dad because he did well in his younger years, but I don't like talking to him.



I will carve your advice into my brain and I'll try to take steps slowly, I thank you two so much for commenting on this journal.
 
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