Journal of an Addict Who's Trying to be a Focused Artist

Crysler

Member
@Crysler, thanks for your advice, I know girls won't bite me if I date them (unlike in Tokyo Ghoul), but there is still this fear that holds me back.
Funny joke, lol (cuz I have a Ken Kaneki on my avatar and yes, I've seen this anime)
But, you know you are not unique.
We all had this kind of problems (being shy, don't know what to say).
The thing is, in such moments your brain thinking, that it's better for you to skip this opportunity and continue to be in your comfort zone.
It's a trap, mate - don't be scary to get out from your comfort zone and speak, say something even if it's completely stupid ("hello", "I like you", even "I wanna f**k you" sometimes will work ;)).

Especially if a girl winks you or looking at you, - then she wants your attention.
And what you do instead?
Ignoring her.

You see girls are not clairvoyants.
They can't read your mind.
Keep that in mind, and one more thing, mate - don't wait for opportunities.
Make one yourself 😎
 
@Crysler Thanks for empowering me, I'll muster all my courage and create opportunities and not wait for it.

"As we wait for life, life passes" - Seneca

I'll go and grab it instead than to wait for it to pass.

There's this one girl that I really like, she's my senior (Yes, I like older women) a great artist and also taking Fine Arts at my university. There's a high chance that she has a boyfriend tho but I want to know for myself. Guys talk about her every time she passes so it means I will have a lot of competitors. Best wishes to me, I'll try to talk to her and I hope I won't be nervous and just shake.
 
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I fapped...but then I woke up and realized that it's just a dream woohoo! I thought I'm going back to square one again. That dream just reminded me of how will I feel after 6 seconds of pleasure fapping: shame, guilt, feeling depressed, and it would be hard to forgive myself if I really did that. I always dreamt of fapping every 2nd week of abstaining from porn and masturbation. This is my day 12.
 
Had an urge last night, thinking about sex and I'm fully erect. Should I say it's Nightwood? (since it's like a morning wood but at night...). Having withdrawal symptoms again and I kinda feel like I miss ejaculating. It's 6 AM now and I haven't slept yet. Fuck. This is the start of day 13.
 
D

Deleted member 22651

Guest
I will carve your advice into my brain and I'll try to take steps slowly, I thank you two so much for commenting on this journal.

For me, I learned how to be more comfortable with women by observing am old friend and the main things I learned were to always show interest in the girl that you're interested in and to be confident in everything you do. Sometimes I said dumb things and was just straight up goofy which is how I am naturally most of the time and it made them laugh which was a bonus.
This might sound weird but try picking up confidence by watching some film characters, not by doing everything they do but just the skills you want to adapt.
Confidence is something that comes through practice. Own who you are and own it confidentally. And one last thing I picked up from working in sales is to be interesting and be interested in the person you're talking to.

I hope this helps.

Congrats on making it to 13 days mate!
and good on you for being aware of the consequences if you do relapse. That's one of the main things that have kept me going for the past 3 weeks
 
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Day 14: I reached 2 weeks without PMO but I feel like shit. I keep having sex thoughts and boners every night and I can't sleep without my sleeping aid (porn and masturbation). I stopped my art practices for few days since I can't focus when I'm half asleep. For the past two weeks, I never had a goodnight's sleep and I sleep only for 3-6 hrs a day.

Urges are getting stronger but somehow I managed to control it by speed-typing. Whenever I feel an urge, I'll just go to the "typeracer" like websites where my thoughts about sex are replaced by words in a paragraph that I need to type in a certain minute.

Here are the websites that I go to, to practice speed-typing:
keybr.com - It is good for beginners, this is where I learned touch-typing (where u type without looking at your keyboard)
monkeytype.com - timed typing
typeracer.com - where you can race with different people by typing

Try this out sometime, you'll have fun, get rid of that thoughts, and become faster at typing.
Being fast in typing can save you more time and be more efficient. Imagine you have a document to write and it took you 4 hours to complete since you can only type 30 words per minute(wpm). Practicing speed-typing can double your typing speed and save 2 hours on your work for typing in 60wpm. It can also save your neck since you'll only be looking at your monitor instead of needing to look at the keyboard and back to the monitor just to see if you're typing right.
 
Day 21: Hey, it's been a while but, holy cow I reached 3 weeks already, dang, time flies so fast. I feel much more alive now and seems like my life has more color and I feel much happier. Nofap really works trust me. I don't feel shitty anymore like when I'm still soaked in porn and in my first weeks of this journey.

In a week of my absence here in this forum, there are few things that happened. I went to school to submit some requirements about my shifting and taking my second dose of vaccine. I used to be nervous when going out and meet with other people but it never occurred here anymore. I no longer shake and stutter again. I can ask people questions if I need to (like the 17 y/o me).

In PMO dopamine overdosed and brain fog mode, I'm too shy to even ask questions before even excusing myself to the comfort room and just suffer the pain while holding my urine for 3 hours, holy shit. This happened to be 4 years ago but somehow overcome it 3 years ago at age 16 by using the 3-second method rule. This method helped me to kick shyness by talking before counting to three before the anxiety kicks in. When I learned that, I tried it first to excuse myself to the cr. I was sitting in my class, counted 1... 2... I stand up and asked my teacher if I can go out and then... It worked! She didn't bit me and the ground didn't crack and swallowed me! Nothing bad happened! My imagination just dooming me by thinking people will look at me and judge, something like that. I still use that method but rarely now. I used it to hire a taxi on the street weeks ago and that was the first time I rode a taxi alone at age 19. Seems like I'm learning how to be an adult later than my peers.

"We suffer more often in imagination than in reality." - Seneca

I can't talk to the girl that I like yet 'cause you know, quarantine, but I'm thinking of messaging her on FB. I need to change my profile pic first since it might not be noticed because it is an anime pic and she might think of it as "another dummy stalker account" lol. But the thing is I can't take a pic of myself, I have no pics in my cloud album, my phone is broken (I only have a laptop now) and I'm really unphotogenic. Waiting for my brother to come over is my only choice and borrow his phone. I hope I won't look like shit in the camera 'cause my face always ruins the mood in the reunion, celebrations, event pictures. Seeing those pictures first feels so happy and lively but not until you look at my face, I don't smile, and looks like I'm always mad.

About my art progress, well, I feel burnt out by practicing every day and I feel stuck by seeing no progress.
 
D

Deleted member 22651

Guest
Congratulations on the progress!!
Good to read about all the positive changes that you've made so far and to see that you're being proactive about overcoming your shyness and anxiety.
Keep up the good work boss!
 
Day 28: Had no problem with urges, it doesn't bother me anymore 'cause I know I got better things to do. But sometimes I kinda feel being burnt out from working out, art practice, and talking to her. We had an "okay" convo but we reply in long intervals since I have a fucked sleep schedule and I have my priority things. In the first message, she replies with one line, a closing convo one. I continued on talking about what could be mutual interests to continue the convo and then she starts laughing at my jokes. I reply with three or more lines but she still replies with one line but with "hahaha"'s every line. After talking further, I kinda made her open up about herself, about what she feels about parents by certain things, finances, and what she'll do after college (she doesn't know what she'll do but I gave her an Idea and somehow she liked it and thanked me). She doesn't reply with one line about that, I got about three messages, and I was like yes! This is progressing. But then she returned into one closing replies again and I kinda feel like she had enough talking with me. We said good luck to each other and hoped for one's success. I don't know what to reply. I thought of a joke about her last reply to keep the convo going, but she might think that I'm forcing myself to talk when she seems she has no interest anymore. I don't want to come up like a needy guy and I don't know the right words to say or if it's the right time. I also feel like she only sees me as a friend lol. I don't want to ask her to be my gf right away cause that's too fast and I want to know her more if I really want to be with her. I feel like I'm being rejected already haha but it doesn't feel anything... or maybe a little feeling down.

I further want to interact with women, like the guy above said, to be more comfortable with them. I also don't want to settle and chase one girl. I want to have a selection until I find the one that I really like. Thanks, Rchie for congratulating me and for your advice, I will surely use them.
 

Crysler

Member
She doesn't reply with one line about that, I got about three messages, and I was like yes! This is progressing. But then she returned into one closing replies again and I kinda feel like she had enough talking with me. We said good luck to each other and hoped for one's success. I don't know what to reply.
Take your time, mate.
Maybe she's shy, or have no experience talking to boys.
If it's her first time, then (apparently) she will act like this.

Good advice - try not only talk to her in messengers.
Go in real life, invite her somewhere or just be where she will be.
You see, girls usually does not like SMS only chatting, real life must be number one priority :)

Also, mutual interests it's good, but dont' force yourself too much into her interests.
If you did not enjoyed, for example, chemistry before ... now you even more so will not :D
It's like, say her some compliments, talk about both of your and her interests, but don't forget to keep your position.
Be a man, in other words 💪
 
Day 31: Most of the time, I forgot that I'm on a reboot mode cause I'm not focusing on it. I think it made my progress easier. Thank you all guys for sharing your advice. I will do better next time since I got rejected today. At least I can save time from thinking about her. It stings less than my first rejection but the world didn't end and it's not much really daunting than I expected. Talking to girls makes me less nervous now and I learn from my mistakes. I tried to ask her out and see what happens than die wondering and spend more time thinking about her, cause I used to be like that.

We were talking and somehow leads on drinking since we said cheers with beer emoji.

NV:

Me: 🍻 Do you even drink?:ROFLMAO:

(She reacted haha)

Her: Naaaah I'm more into coffee hahaha

Me: Aww. I'm into water...and milk but I didn't grow tall, seems like their advertisement is a scam haha. I'm not much into coffee but can we grab one sometime? never did a 'coffee cheers' with anyone before.

Me: And I want you to be my first:ROFLMAO:
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She went from online to offline. I was waiting for her reply and she hasn't seen it yet. I just ate my dinner, came back and saw that she has seen it but no reply.

I think there's really wrong with what I said. I know it's cringe-worthy lol. I cringe too when I looked at it for the second time. I just transmute this feeling down to work out and make myself better. I used to watch P and fap when I'm feeling down but this time, I'm different.
 
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D

Deleted member 22651

Guest
I'm so proud of you!! You've come a long way my friend, so glad to see you putting yourself out there and being yourself. You're embracing rejections like a pro and soon enough you'll come across someone who will appreciate you for who you are, all the rejections will be worth it. Keep doing what you're doing my friend!!
 
I think there's really wrong with what I said. I know it's cringe-worthy lol. I cringe too when I looked at it for the second time. I just transmute this feeling down to work out and make myself better. I used to watch P and fap when I'm feeling down but this time, I'm different.
Dude this is not cringy-worthy at all (in my honest opinion), I have myself done much much worse. And regarding the previous advice about talking in person/call, I totally agree with it.

There is nothing wrong in feeling something about a person, they might not reciprocate it but that doesn't mean that what you feel is wrong. Try moving on if that's the case which as I see you did fantastically. Good going!
 
Day 33: Thanks guys for supporting me, you guys are awesome! On the afternoon of my last reply on this thread, she replied to me.

NV:

Her: (...) And sure we can grab one sometime hahaha and yeah never did coffee cheers too :ROFLMAO:

Me: Noice, that would be great. Coffee cheers is not a thing lol. People at the coffee shop would laugh at us and think we're insane.

Me: Since I'm asking u out, u sure u got no bf who'll get mad since u'll cheat with me? I asked my wife about this and she said fine so I'm good to go.

Her: Yep I don't got time for relationships for now so no bf hahaha got get crap together first hahaha

Me: It's great to hear that ur focusing on urself first than relationships. If I'm your daddy, I would be very proud of you haha. I think I'll focus more on myself now too since I lost control over my life when this pandemic attacked.

Her: Truuee this pandemic really sucks hahaha

(Closing convo follows)

Me: (...) I know we'll be busy with our own life but u can hit me up if u miss me lmao:LOL:... or if something interesting happened, anyways *coffee cheers

(she has no reply yet since we're active in different times)
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Btw she shares my art posts and spam heart reacts on my FB story. I'm confused and I count this as rejection since she seems like she doesn't want to do it.

I really got no urges for the past week, and I feel fucking better and feel more emotions than by being numb while on PMO-mode
 
Day 50: Dang, it's been a while.

I was making a wire sculpture for my class project, I already made one and still making the second one to present in Fine Arts Week at my university.

My life and mood have gotten better and I'm slowly building my confidence and social skills. I join in group conversations in the class and take art sessions with them, give feedback, teach, talk about life, and learn with them. I'm not used to talking into groups but when those sessions started, I threw myself and started to say hi. I was pretty nervous at first but I got the hang of talking to them comfortably.

I never had something like this before 'cause all my life, I just feel disconnected from this world. Connecting with creative people with the same interest and goals touched my soul and seems like I found my kind of people after shifting in this course. I really don't regret shifting from BSCS since I felt lonely there, got no one to talk to but only the ones I'm mentoring.
 
D

Deleted member 22651

Guest
Day 50: Dang, it's been a while.

I was making a wire sculpture for my class project, I already made one and still making the second one to present in Fine Arts Week at my university.

My life and mood have gotten better and I'm slowly building my confidence and social skills. I join in group conversations in the class and take art sessions with them, give feedback, teach, talk about life, and learn with them. I'm not used to talking into groups but when those sessions started, I threw myself and started to say hi. I was pretty nervous at first but I got the hang of talking to them comfortably.

I never had something like this before 'cause all my life, I just feel disconnected from this world. Connecting with creative people with the same interest and goals touched my soul and seems like I found my kind of people after shifting in this course. I really don't regret shifting from BSCS since I felt lonely there, got no one to talk to but only the ones I'm mentoring.
Always love hearing about your progress broski, its beautiful to see. I dont know you at all but I can say is that im proud of how far you've come. Keep going with everything you're doing
 
Day 0: Ahh shit... Here we go again...
Need to block reddit now since it was my trigger 60 days ago and today. I don't want to be hard on myself 'cause that would be too bad for my mind and might go back to porn to feel "better". I'll just want to look at the great things that I achieved this week like nailing my sculpture and being praised by my prof. I want that success to define me, not this failure that I did a minute ago. I can still feel that I can get back up and reach more days of no PMO than my last streak.
 
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fapstranaut02

Active Member
Wow my man, 60 days is an awesome achievement ! You've done well going so far, stay strong these few days for chaser effect.

Share us a picture of your sculpture if you don't mind, always like to appreciate a good art.
 
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