Journal of an Addict Who's Trying to be a Focused Artist

Day 0: Chaser effect got me for 2 whole damn weeks, I just went back to being in my lowest point. I've been binging P and fap many times since my last post. I feel like a zombie. I can't focus at all and I have low energy. I missed my exam, and I didn't do well for my sculpture this month. I feel like my grades on some subs are failing, I got a lot of mental burn out and it's hard to do every task.

I've been thinking twice about posting my works here 'cause someone in my uni might see it (through image search (to check plagiarism?)) and say something like: " So, that dude's got a crippling porn addiction, what a loser". I don't want to be known in my uni like that. Btw, my last sculp was a deer made of wire tangled together. It was heavily inspired by Tomohiro Inaba. You can check his works here: http://tomohiro-inaba.com/.

I'll take my time to reflect on my mistakes and do a better job of regaining control over my life. I don't want to be a loser with a crippling porn addiction.
 
D

Deleted member 22651

Guest
Day 0: I feel ashamed of myself.
You were doing so well, don't let a small hiccup get in the way of your progress. I had a slip up recently and fell into the same pattern for a week.

Learn from where you when wrong, get back on track and take it one day at a time. If you can do 50 days, you can go past it too.

We've got this my bro
 
Day 0: It's been a while. I've been binging on P and M almost every day.

I dropped out of college this month since I've become unfocused and lazy. It's just hard to start to fill an empty canvas and build another sculpture. Never made an artwork or practiced after I dropped.

My social life becomes worse. I'm at the lowest point in my life. I just have no life force nor a reason to live. I failed at life big time.

I'm having a lot of suicidal thoughts more this year, especially last and this month. I should have never watched porn when I was young 'cause that is my biggest regret. It took 6 years of my life. I sacrificed the time building stronger bonds with friends for porn. I left my friend's birthday party for porn. I locked and hid myself from the world for porn and I've been complaining why I feel disconnected from everyone. I don't feel alive for the past six years. I remember one time, I joined my classmates dancing a traditional dance, in our circle, I can see their faces, with big smiles laughing and shouting. It feels like they can feel the dance, while I feel numb forcing myself to laugh and smile. It just hurts every time when I do it, forcing myself to be happy when I can't feel happiness. People around me can just easily find happiness even in everyday casual things. Meanwhile, it's not the same for me, I can't even feel pleasure from my addiction anymore.

Some nights, I cry on my bed thinking about my uneventful life and my failures. My life seems so constant that nothing feels new and it feels so depressing. The worst is when I know no one in this world cares about me and no one can save me one day but I only have myself and deal with my suffering alone. It is just hard to breathe sometimes when I'm drowning in loneliness.

I just hope I'll die tonight while I'm sleeping.
 
D

Deleted member 22651

Guest
Day 0: It's been a while. I've been binging on P and M almost every day.

I dropped out of college this month since I've become unfocused and lazy. It's just hard to start to fill an empty canvas and build another sculpture. Never made an artwork or practiced after I dropped.

My social life becomes worse. I'm at the lowest point in my life. I just have no life force nor a reason to live. I failed at life big time.

I'm having a lot of suicidal thoughts more this year, especially last and this month. I should have never watched porn when I was young 'cause that is my biggest regret. It took 6 years of my life. I sacrificed the time building stronger bonds with friends for porn. I left my friend's birthday party for porn. I locked and hid myself from the world for porn and I've been complaining why I feel disconnected from everyone. I don't feel alive for the past six years. I remember one time, I joined my classmates dancing a traditional dance, in our circle, I can see their faces, with big smiles laughing and shouting. It feels like they can feel the dance, while I feel numb forcing myself to laugh and smile. It just hurts every time when I do it, forcing myself to be happy when I can't feel happiness. People around me can just easily find happiness even in everyday casual things. Meanwhile, it's not the same for me, I can't even feel pleasure from my addiction anymore.

Some nights, I cry on my bed thinking about my uneventful life and my failures. My life seems so constant that nothing feels new and it feels so depressing. The worst is when I know no one in this world cares about me and no one can save me one day but I only have myself and deal with my suffering alone. It is just hard to breathe sometimes when I'm drowning in loneliness.

I just hope I'll die tonight while I'm sleeping.
Hey mate,

I hope you dont make any decisions that will hurt your friends and family. I can understand how porn has impacted you and all the negatives it brings into ones life, I just want you to know that there is always a better way than suicide.

You did so well making it to 50+ days, you took all the right steps and were making a lot of progress. This journey of recovery that we are all on is a difficult one but trust me when I say that suicide is not and will never be the answer. I dont know exactly what youre going through at the moment and I can imagine that its hard to see the bright side of life with the brain fog, lack of motivation and all the other negative thought going on in your head right now.

You've done the right thing by coming back here where you have others who are going through a similar process.

One of the first steps to recovering from anything is having the right mindset and starting slow, think about what you did in the beginning to get through the first few days, talk to a therapist or a counselor, or even start small slowly by talking to a friend, doing things that you enjoy like art everyday. It doesnt have to be your best work, as long as it keeps you busy until you start enjoying the process again.

Nothing in this life comes easy, especially getting over an addiction like porn. Ive had the worst couple of months full of negative thoughts rushing in my head most days, and other days where I mentally lost the fight and watched porn but didnt masturbate and I counted it as a small win, but I fight because I know that it gets better eventually, I fight because I dont want to let some pixels on a screen have that sort of control over my life and all the things I want to do. I know Ill be happier one day, looking back at how far I've come and know that all the difficulties I went through were worth it.

I believe in you my friend and I truly believe that you can get through this with a little help and support.
Take everything you've learned so far and start again, do it for yourself because you deserve better than what you're currently going through.
 

canguro

Active Member
Hey man, I know the state you are in right not, I've been there long enough.
You achieved so much and you can got back to it!
Do you also have that everything-or-nothing mentality? So when you slip, you're like "now it doesnt matter, because I already failed."
But that's bs! Get back on train, motivate yourself by watching gabe deems vids on YT or what helps me a lot for depression is the YT- Channel "Therapy in a Nutshell". Listen to Hubermans Lab Podcast about addiction, whatever! Read a book about it.
These things can help you get motivated to change your life again instead of just complaining how unfair life is (it is, but it won't change no matter how much we complain about it, only by our action).

I wish you the best brother!
 

Crysler

Member
Day 0: It's been a while. I've been binging on P and M almost every day.

I dropped out of college this month since I've become unfocused and lazy. It's just hard to start to fill an empty canvas and build another sculpture. Never made an artwork or practiced after I dropped.

My social life becomes worse. I'm at the lowest point in my life. I just have no life force nor a reason to live. I failed at life big time.

I'm having a lot of suicidal thoughts more this year, especially last and this month. I should have never watched porn when I was young 'cause that is my biggest regret. It took 6 years of my life. I sacrificed the time building stronger bonds with friends for porn. I left my friend's birthday party for porn. I locked and hid myself from the world for porn and I've been complaining why I feel disconnected from everyone. I don't feel alive for the past six years. I remember one time, I joined my classmates dancing a traditional dance, in our circle, I can see their faces, with big smiles laughing and shouting. It feels like they can feel the dance, while I feel numb forcing myself to laugh and smile. It just hurts every time when I do it, forcing myself to be happy when I can't feel happiness. People around me can just easily find happiness even in everyday casual things. Meanwhile, it's not the same for me, I can't even feel pleasure from my addiction anymore.

Some nights, I cry on my bed thinking about my uneventful life and my failures. My life seems so constant that nothing feels new and it feels so depressing. The worst is when I know no one in this world cares about me and no one can save me one day but I only have myself and deal with my suffering alone. It is just hard to breathe sometimes when I'm drowning in loneliness.

I just hope I'll die tonight while I'm sleeping.
If it helps, I've failed too.
Had my first 30 days streak, then some more tries and that's it.
This year gave me so many challenges.

You know they say time heals and that's true.
So give yourself some time, don't go fast on your decisions or thoughts.
And don't forget, there is people in this world who does care bout you, - its' your parents and siblings.
They always does.
 
Day 4: It took me a while but I'm slowly getting back my momentum. I feel better now today and I don't feel hard on myself since I forgave the things I did that put me in this place. Big thanks to everyone who gave concern and advice. I shouldn't post my last entry since it was stupid. My emotions got the best of me. I don't know what to say right now. But thanks again for checking in. Btw, I just got my motivation back in painting and also I'm currently learning to create a website to make a living. :D

My classmates said that they are going to miss me and felt disheartened when I said I'm going to drop. Some of my friends attend class because of me since they are not enjoying the course. One said she'll have no one to talk to. They'll just think and pretend that I'm still in class, hearing those makes me cry. I don't know how my actions can impact them, I don't even know someone like me can leave an impact. I just feel sorry for those I left, I had to save myself from a lot of stress that I can't take while this addiction consumes me. They don't know that I have this addiction that makes me feel depressed, I just told them a lame excuse. In an online messaging app, they said that they're not going to kick me out and invite me to every new school/event group chats to keep our connection.

I want to stop having self-pity since it doesn't make me feel good and it's a waste of time. I want to take steps to beat this addiction and achieve my dreams to prove myself that life is worth living. I want to believe I'm lucky that I exist and to experience life and see the beauty of it.
 
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Btw guys, one of the reasons that helped me through is about thinking about the girl that I like. At the end of our conversation, I offered her a date and she said:

"Yep, sure sure, let's focus on our studies first. I don't have time for a bf now since I need to get my crap together first haha.".

That's totally fine for me and better for my situation now since I can't present myself to her like this. I only got one year before she finishes college. But some thoughts are holding me back from pursuing her. I said a lot of crappy or somewhat cringy lines (or maybe it's just how I think about it - it's killing me - would she even remember it?) and she didn't know that I dropped out.

If things go well, I'll have a date with the hottest girl I know in my university. (And I'll have my very first date!)
 

Crysler

Member
Day 4: It took me a while but I'm slowly getting back my momentum. I feel better now today and I don't feel hard on myself since I forgave the things I did that put me in this place. Big thanks to everyone who gave concern and advice. I shouldn't post my last entry since it was stupid. My emotions got the best of me. I don't know what to say right now. But thanks again for checking in. Btw, I just got my motivation back in painting and also I'm currently learning to create a website to make a living. :D

My classmates said that they are going to miss me and felt disheartened when I said I'm going to drop. Some of my friends attend class because of me since they are not enjoying the course. One said she'll have no one to talk to. They'll just think and pretend that I'm still in class, hearing those makes me cry. I don't know how my actions can impact them, I don't even know someone like me can leave an impact. I just feel sorry for those I left, I had to save myself from a lot of stress that I can't take while this addiction consumes me. They don't know that I have this addiction that makes me feel depressed, I just told them a lame excuse. In an online messaging app, they said that they're not going to kick me out and invite me to every new school/event group chats to keep our connection.

I want to stop having self-pity since it doesn't make me feel good and it's a waste of time. I want to take steps to beat this addiction and achieve my dreams to prove myself that life is worth living. I want to believe I'm lucky that I exist and to experience life and see the beauty of it.
I'm on day 5 currently, let's do it together bro 💪
Keep it up!
 
Day 12:
I was having sex with a girl but I woke up. It was just a wet dream damn. I'll get there someday. I usually have wet dreams every 2 weeks of nofap before and seems like it continues that cycle.

I was thinking of joining the marine corps here but I can't because of my underbite (it's not severe but it is noticeable and causes me headaches sometimes. I'm having my braces next year and still doing art and webdev practices while waiting for that moment. Doing skydiving and intense military training and serving the country are on my bucket list so I want to give my best shot.

I'm trying hard to be productive this month since I lost a lot of time doing nothing for the past two months. I'm reading 2 self-help - productivity books and one fiction. I just learned that from "How to read faster" by Mark Manson on YouTube. The strategy is, put some time on one book and move to the other to freshen up my attention. It boosted my reading speed 3 times. I can finish all three books at the same time on the third to the seventh day. I used to finish only one book per week.
 
Day 17: I turned 20 yesterday. I promise to myself that I will never fap and watch that kind of shit now when I'm not a teen anymore. I'll focus on my personal development and take all the steps, never hesitate so won't have any new regrets in the future.
 

Filmguy30

Member
Congrats on the streak and happy birthday king!! I hope it was a blast. Stay aware this week because after crossing a milestone, the brain will sometimes try and glorify porn as a “reward” for that event! Keep killing it brother!
 
Day 18:
I had strong urges to fap, but I keep opening this site to remind myself. I used to give up when I tell myself that the downsides of this addiction is not real, healthy and, normal since a lot of people doing it. And regret after falling for that trap.

To my future self who has urges:

THE EFFECTS OF THIS ADDICTION ARE REAL!
REMEMBER WHY YOU STARTED THIS FORUM!
YOU'LL REGRET IT IF YOU FALL FOR THAT TRAP!
NEVER GIVE UP CHAMP!
YOU'LL GET THERE AND LIVE THE DREAM BUILT BY YOUR YOUNGER SELF. DON'T BETRAY IT!

I had a lot of sex thoughts from grade school until now and I'm doing my best to divert my focus to anything productive. I think I need therapy.

Congrats on the streak and happy birthday king!! I hope it was a blast. Stay aware this week because after crossing a milestone, the brain will sometimes try and glorify porn as a “reward” for that event! Keep killing it brother!
Thanks, @Filmguy30, I'll keep that in mind. cheers!
 
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