Day 0: It's been a while. I've been binging on P and M almost every day.
I dropped out of college this month since I've become unfocused and lazy. It's just hard to start to fill an empty canvas and build another sculpture. Never made an artwork or practiced after I dropped.
My social life becomes worse. I'm at the lowest point in my life. I just have no life force nor a reason to live. I failed at life big time.
I'm having a lot of suicidal thoughts more this year, especially last and this month. I should have never watched porn when I was young 'cause that is my biggest regret. It took 6 years of my life. I sacrificed the time building stronger bonds with friends for porn. I left my friend's birthday party for porn. I locked and hid myself from the world for porn and I've been complaining why I feel disconnected from everyone. I don't feel alive for the past six years. I remember one time, I joined my classmates dancing a traditional dance, in our circle, I can see their faces, with big smiles laughing and shouting. It feels like they can feel the dance, while I feel numb forcing myself to laugh and smile. It just hurts every time when I do it, forcing myself to be happy when I can't feel happiness. People around me can just easily find happiness even in everyday casual things. Meanwhile, it's not the same for me, I can't even feel pleasure from my addiction anymore.
Some nights, I cry on my bed thinking about my uneventful life and my failures. My life seems so constant that nothing feels new and it feels so depressing. The worst is when I know no one in this world cares about me and no one can save me one day but I only have myself and deal with my suffering alone. It is just hard to breathe sometimes when I'm drowning in loneliness.
I just hope I'll die tonight while I'm sleeping.
Hey mate,
I hope you dont make any decisions that will hurt your friends and family. I can understand how porn has impacted you and all the negatives it brings into ones life, I just want you to know that there is always a better way than suicide.
You did so well making it to 50+ days, you took all the right steps and were making a lot of progress. This journey of recovery that we are all on is a difficult one but trust me when I say that suicide is not and will never be the answer. I dont know exactly what youre going through at the moment and I can imagine that its hard to see the bright side of life with the brain fog, lack of motivation and all the other negative thought going on in your head right now.
You've done the right thing by coming back here where you have others who are going through a similar process.
One of the first steps to recovering from anything is having the right mindset and starting slow, think about what you did in the beginning to get through the first few days, talk to a therapist or a counselor, or even start small slowly by talking to a friend, doing things that you enjoy like art everyday. It doesnt have to be your best work, as long as it keeps you busy until you start enjoying the process again.
Nothing in this life comes easy, especially getting over an addiction like porn. Ive had the worst couple of months full of negative thoughts rushing in my head most days, and other days where I mentally lost the fight and watched porn but didnt masturbate and I counted it as a small win, but I fight because I know that it gets better eventually, I fight because I dont want to let some pixels on a screen have that sort of control over my life and all the things I want to do. I know Ill be happier one day, looking back at how far I've come and know that all the difficulties I went through were worth it.
I believe in you my friend and I truly believe that you can get through this with a little help and support.
Take everything you've learned so far and start again, do it for yourself because you deserve better than what you're currently going through.