First Time Here, Long Time Coming

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
...until I'm not sexually fantasizing about other women AT ALL.

No offense, but she doesn't know how men work sexually. I'll often catch myself fantasizing about some random 'hook up' with the opposite sex...but I CATCH myself. I'm not indulging in these, unless I want to...

I think trying to explain this to (many) women may be like explaining color to the color-blind, for lack of a better metaphor.
 

Noah

Member
That's exactly right. I told her that fantasies come into my head, but I don't linger on them anymore (which is mostly true). She wants me to never fantasize about other women at all. Ever again. In fact, she has said this is a precondition for me being able to sleep in our bed again.

I just don't think it's possible, but if I try to tell her this, she thinks it means I'm not taking this seriously. Don't know what to do here. I don't want to lie to her.
 

DavS

Active Member
Perhaps clarification is needed. A fantasy is a series of ideas, with a story line. It seems you could eliminate those. A stray idea or mental image can become a fantasy if we dwell on it, and develop it. If we say to ourselves “nope, that leads in the wrong direction“ and change course, bravo! Stray ideas might be controlled in the long term, and they’re harmless if squelched quickly.
 

guiganvoger

Active Member
About 4 or 5 years ago I made it to 3 months without PMO (currently only on day 4). I can say from my own experience that I had an initial phase where every woman was fantastical. After a while though, I felt like I was able to see attractive people but take it at face value. I didn't think too hard about it or have to check my thoughts as much. It was more like "She's hot but that's not an issue because there lot's of attractive people in this world and it's really nothing to dwell on".
 

Noah

Member
I haven't been doing well lately. I haven't masturbated to completion, but I have cheated by edging a little bit every day and even sneaking a peek or two at some very mild porn. I wonder if it correlates to me not posting on here very much anymore. My wife has been very amorous towards me lately, and I'm nervous that I won't be able to perform for her because of the edging I've been doing. My dick is getting used to images again, not to real women.

I'm starting again. Day 1 tomorrow. Hard mode. Gonna stick with it this time.
 

CoolBreeze

Active Member
I haven't been doing well lately. I haven't masturbated to completion, but I have cheated by edging a little bit every day and even sneaking a peek or two at some very mild porn. I wonder if it correlates to me not posting on here very much anymore. My wife has been very amorous towards me lately, and I'm nervous that I won't be able to perform for her because of the edging I've been doing. My dick is getting used to images again, not to real women.

I'm starting again. Day 1 tomorrow. Hard mode. Gonna stick with it this time.
Hang in there Eric. Keep fighting the good fight.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
I haven't been doing well lately. I haven't masturbated to completion, but I have cheated by edging a little bit every day and even sneaking a peek or two at some very mild porn. I wonder if it correlates to me not posting on here very much anymore. My wife has been very amorous towards me lately, and I'm nervous that I won't be able to perform for her because of the edging I've been doing. My dick is getting used to images again, not to real women.

I'm starting again. Day 1 tomorrow. Hard mode. Gonna stick with it this time.
I'm on hard mode now for over 45 days. It hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Sometimes, I feel like it would be nice to masturbate, but most times I'm not thinking about it at all. It's definitely strange to know that I could have been doing this all along.

Good luck to you. Keep at it, even if you slip you're not starting over, just maybe taking a small step back.
 

Noah

Member
Well, I really did it this time. I've been in such a cranky mood the last few days that my wife got very suspicious. She looked at all my posts here and saw that I've been lying to her. I edged the last few days and looked at some images. She asked me each of the last few days about my progress, and I lied right to her face. Now, she may never trust me again. She is talking about leaving me and moving back home.

I should have been honest with her, but I really thought it was a momentary relapse and that I would get it under control again, and if I did, why should I hurt her by telling her what I did? The truth is that I'm totally powerless over this thing. I told her that from now on I'll tell her the truth, no matter how much it hurts, but I don't think she'll trust me again.

I feel confident I can beat this addiction, but if I lose her, I don't know if I'll have the will to go on living. She has been so trusting and forgiving and loving, and I've just taken all of that for granted.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Sorry for your struggles, Eric, including with your wife. I know how that goes, and it sucks.

I know it's a challenge, but do this first and foremost for you. If she can't partner with you about it, you need to find a way to untangle her from this, so you can fight this battle on your own.

We got ourselves into this, only we alone can get ourselves out. As men, we can support each other, understanding how we are, how we think... Most women (I say, 'most') do not understand this struggle, and are frankly not equipped to handle it. They can't handle lying all to well either, but that's where self-care has to trump putting it all out there, and getting squashed.

The question I pose to myself is, am I telling a lie or am I living a lie? I may have to tell one or two to save myself, even save my marriage, but if I'm at least trying to change myself, I'm at least not living a lie. Rather, I'm being true to myself. My marriage cannot help but benefit from that, anyway.
 

Noah

Member
Day 9. Things are going great. It's amazing how much happier I am. My anger, frustration, and malaise are all manageable now. Gotta keep this going.
 

Noah

Member
Day 10. Tough one today, not because I slipped or relapsed (I didn't), but because of something that happened with my wife. I have to understand the ripple effects of my years of lying to her about my porn use. She doesn't trust me or give me the benefit of the doubt right now, and I don't blame her. But it hurts to have her not believe me when I am finally on the right track. Gotta keep at it.

Thanks to all who have listened to my marriage problems and suggested books and other ideas to help. I think we're gonna make it through this, but right now, it's not getting any easier.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
It will get easier. If you stick with it, focus on other, better things, it will get better. Keep reading. Keep writing. Keep learning. Find something else to put your energy towards. The days will start clicking by and you'll be amazed how much easier it gets.
 

guiganvoger

Active Member
It's incredibly hard to repair broken trust, especially with someone who trusted you implicitly such as your wife. Keep at it! Trust is built through action and time. Keep showing her that you are working on this change every day and it will get easier eventually on you both.
 
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