Depression . . . (help me)

Caravan7

Member
I'm depressed, it feels hopeless lately.

Hearing that someone else has this experience too will help me, I think. I would benefit from a sense of community. Can you help me?

I haven't seen any porn for 7 months, so that sounds like a success, but not too much because I still sometimes MO with images that are pretty much porn like (people I know mostly). But mostly I'm depressed because every pretty young woman I see on the street causes a crisis in me, like I've lost my youth forever and that kind of love/sex/romance (the early discovery, the youthful body) is over for good (I'm in my 40s). That thought is unbearable, and I feel hopeless and now I'm depressed. I have a partner, but she's not young. It's like too separate tracks: I love her BUT I also want a young woman. It's like two channels that do not communicate. I want two opposite things pretty much equally. To give up on any of the two is like to amputate one of my arms: "Sir, shall we cut the right or the left?" and I say "None please" and they say "I'm sorry, one of the two has to go."

I can't do it. It's paralysis and there's no hope.
I'm lost.
 

canguro

Active Member
Hey man, I really get you, I'm still 27, but I often think like that. Like if I'm not fast enough I will loose exactly that experience.
But you have to be honest to yourself: The arm you have to loose is this thought. It will never make you happy and would you really want to have a women who could be your daughter just for the body?
But on the other hand, people can look still good in their 40s.

Better stay without porn and fapping to some images, maybe you and your wife want to join a gym and work on being attractive to each over. This clinging on the past will never make you happy.
 
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Caravan7

Member
Thank you very much for the response, I truly appreciate!

Right, that is the dismay. No, rationally I understand a woman 20 years younger than me is not a real necessity for my life, but it is the intensity of that desires that feels unbearable, like it's so much stronger than me that I can't do anything about it. I mean, I still have control on my behavior: I do not pursue anybody while I am with my partner (we are not married, nor do we live together yet), but it's purely what goes on into my head that feels hopeless and insurmountable. Yes, we do exercise together. And yes I cling to the past.

Your input helps, I'm struggling to find a way to actually manage to move on, psychologically. For now I can't. But perseverance hopefully....
 

canguro

Active Member
And yes I cling to the past.
I think thats the core of the problem...because of something you can´t accept, that you are in your 40s and not still in your 20s. Only you can know what that is, but I think the solution may be that you have to accept that it´s okay, that you are no longer 20 and that this is nothing bad and you have to move on. You know what I mean?
In my case it´s because I have the feeling I lost most of my life due to depression and addiction and I will never have the chance to get that back and that´s hard to accept. But while it´s true that I will never get that time back, that doesn´t mean, I can change the next 40 years for the better and make good experiences nontheless.

PS: Are you in professional therapy?
 

Caravan7

Member
I think thats the core of the problem...because of something you can´t accept, that you are in your 40s and not still in your 20s. Only you can know what that is, but I think the solution may be that you have to accept that it´s okay, that you are no longer 20 and that this is nothing bad and you have to move on. You know what I mean?
In my case it´s because I have the feeling I lost most of my life due to depression and addiction and I will never have the chance to get that back and that´s hard to accept. But while it´s true that I will never get that time back, that doesn´t mean, I can change the next 40 years for the better and make good experiences nontheless.

PS: Are you in professional therapy?
sure am!
 

Rebel79

Member
Hey man, I actually had an emotional affair with a younger woman because I had similar thoughts, it’s really messed me up and was definitely not worth it. I’m 42 and I think it’s part of growing older, kind of “Grass is greener” but the truth is that it’s not. Take a good look inward and really think about what it is you really want and need.
 
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Gambitchco

Active Member
Hey man, I actually had an emotional affair with a younger woman because I had similar thoughts, it’s really messed me up and was definitely not worth it. I’m 42 and I think it’s part of growing older, kind of “Grass is greener” but the truth is that it’s not. Take a good look inward and really think about what it is you really want and need.
I agree with this. Self-reflection is highly important.
 
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Caravan7

Member
No doubt, you're both right. I'm in analysis. Many insights, but no change still in terms of actual life and my ability to make decisions.
I have a dream and I cannot let go of it. The dream of the (young-ish) woman who takes your breath away, to use a cliché, but you understand me. My current relationship is very warm but there wasn't that initial spark. You see, it's a mid-life crisis layered on top of addiction/rebooting, layered on top of inadequacy growing up (the "nerd" phenomenon), lack of sexual experiences when they should have happened, etc etc etc. Though I dated, I had the first real sex in my 30s after 15 years of suffering single-hood not by choice. A conundrum I may well understand the theory of, but am unable to overcome emotionally....
 
That sounds exactly what I'm going through. But just like canguro, I'm 27 as well. For me it's 'I never had sex at 16/18/ whatever'. And I have this fear that I will never get to experience 'young love'. So I guess what you could learn from this is that it will always feel like you're too old. You're 40, not 60. Forty is plenty young yet. And for that matter, I believe people still have sex at 60. I know the feeling of wanting to be with a beautiful woman because that's what porn is all about: 'fresh', young women. And porn is always on the lookout for those new 'teens' (18-19) and every year there's a fresh 'patch'. Okay, got a bit side-tracked, but I think the thing we must come to accept as well is the fact that we will not get to have sex with young, fit women. The ultimate thing to realize is that sex is not that important. I know that if I found a 'relatively' good-looking woman, the first thing I'd like to do is just cuddle and hug and hold her hand and stuff. Hardcore sex is definitely on my list of things to do.

But I do understand that coming to terms with this, that sex is probably not going to be what porn has showed us, can be difficult.

Sorry for the rant, hopefully there's something for you to take home from this. Stay strong and all the best!

EDIT: What I meant to say is that we need to understand that we won't probably see that kind of bodies we see in porn. For example, I've never had a six pack, I actually have a bit of a beer gut. Is it then reasonable to expect the girl to look like a model? I don't think so.
 
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Not a Rabbi

Active Member
Caravan7, I'm younger than you but I can relate. I've been married for a year and my wife is not the idealized porn version of a woman that I fantasized about for years, she's a real person and therefore doesn't have a "perfect" body, and I have struggled to get other women out of my head. But she is my life partner, we're in love and have a strong bond, so our sexual relationship is a million times more fulfilling than hooking up with a "hotter" woman and a trillion times more than porn. I have also managed to quit looking at porn for long periods of time, but I think that quitting MO (or at least quitting MOing to porn-like fantasies) is crucial for full recovery and breaking free from that fake world. I've come to realize that my fantasy for the woman with the "perfect" body is porn-induced, and I need to continue working on my recovery to move past it and focus on the relationship that truly satisfies me.
 

Aussie_85

Active Member
Hey,

remember masturbating over ANY images/video is “porn”. It’s artificial stimuli that’s hijacking your brain.
 

SOPHAN

Member
You guys are amazing! I have so much respect for you.
To what you are saying Caravan7, I can just agree with all the others, but to just give a female perspective.
Obviously for women it might be the other way round sometimes, that some of us may feel more attracted to older men.
However, that might turn over the years. A lot of older female friends of mine feel suddenly attracted to significantly younger men.
So I don't think that all of this is necessarily unusual.
Throughout the reboot I went through a lot of ups and downs and trust me your fantasy wonders, even as a partner.
Because no sex, low libido, or to know that your partner feels more attracted to what he sees on a screen, don't make your partner more attractive to you.
But the truth is, if you would actually think that you have no idea what "arm you wanna cut off" then you wouldn't be posting this here, would you?
For me it seems like that you already know very well of what you actually want and need but that your sexual desire goes elsewhere and feels unbearable...
But as random as it may sound its true that love is not necessarily or at least just limited superficial.
But love may make somebody beautiful for you. Doesn't mean you're running through this world not noticing that there's people who are objectively more attractive.
I guess you and your partner just have to find your love to each other again, maybe redefine it. Remember why you fell in love with her and what made you so crazy about her. Spice up a few things and try new stuff. Sexually but also elsewise in life.
However, if you actually feel like this for a while, I do think you should seek some help.
Hope that helps a bit!
 

ThisHelos

New Member
I was in a relationship with this AMAZING, beautiful, smart, funny lady. We've been together for five years before she left me. I was obsessed with porn. She would catch me jerking off to curvacious ladies on the net, and naturally, she'd get upset and insecure. She'd say that I wasn't attracted to her anymore. She was a very sweet, sensitive soul, and my actions lowered her self-esteem a lot. Even though I was aware of her feelings and felt bad, I kept doing it. I never cheated on her per se, but I was checking out ladies all the time, even on our dates. It was only after I lost her that I realized I needed help. I found this online therapy article in the Los Angeles Magazine. It started to pay off, but she still won't take me back... Make sure you appreciate what you have before it's too late.
 
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Caravan7

Member
You guys are amazing! I have so much respect for you.
To what you are saying Caravan7, I can just agree with all the others, but to just give a female perspective.
Obviously for women it might be the other way round sometimes, that some of us may feel more attracted to older men.
However, that might turn over the years. A lot of older female friends of mine feel suddenly attracted to significantly younger men.
So I don't think that all of this is necessarily unusual.
Throughout the reboot I went through a lot of ups and downs and trust me your fantasy wonders, even as a partner.
Because no sex, low libido, or to know that your partner feels more attracted to what he sees on a screen, don't make your partner more attractive to you.
But the truth is, if you would actually think that you have no idea what "arm you wanna cut off" then you wouldn't be posting this here, would you?
For me it seems like that you already know very well of what you actually want and need but that your sexual desire goes elsewhere and feels unbearable...
But as random as it may sound its true that love is not necessarily or at least just limited superficial.
But love may make somebody beautiful for you. Doesn't mean you're running through this world not noticing that there's people who are objectively more attractive.
I guess you and your partner just have to find your love to each other again, maybe redefine it. Remember why you fell in love with her and what made you so crazy about her. Spice up a few things and try new stuff. Sexually but also elsewise in life.
However, if you actually feel like this for a while, I do think you should seek some help.
Hope that helps a bit!
Great points. I was never crazy about my current partner. I was never "oh wow" when I saw her. Parts of her body are off putting to me. But I tolerate because the relationship is great. I love her, the emotion is clear. She's funny, warm, cuddly. There's a lot of affection and tenderness between us. She is a companion. She has her own cuteness. And the sex is good. The problem is my fantasy of a certain kind of body, and the emotions attached to finding that person and touching that body. With my woman I need to look away from certain places and avoid touching certain parts. It's hard because I ask myself: "but shouldn't a person genuinely like the other, for honesty both toward oneself and the other person?" I don't think there is any part of me that displeases her particularly, unless she is also hiding it as I hide the things that displease me. And yes I have been in therapy. Thanks for the insights. The guys above are talking about "accepting" that now I'm in my 40s and that no, I won't ever again experiencing those early romances, the young body, the vibrant emotions. They are right. I really do not accept that, I don't find the way to do it. There are men in their 40s with girlfriends in their 20s. I know a couple. Is it perhaps a matter of owning who I am, no matter how much it goes again societal approval, and look for a young woman? Not sure. I lead a double life, if only psychologically. While I am with my woman, I am with her and enjoy it and I think it will work. But the moment I am by myself outside and I see a young beautiful girl, my internal world collapses. However, despite this, I have no serious plans to leave my woman because I love her. The struggle is internal. It feels hopeless but who knows, maybe there will be a miracle eventually. The problem is that I still MO, although the images are only in my head. But I am sooooo attached to those images, I have no intention to let them go. My entire sexual history is based on those. I went long sorry! I just keep going on hoping for some change.
 

SOPHAN

Member
I think what you are experiencing is not necessarily rare.
However, the words you are saying sound extremely painful... painful if your partner could read this...
I am allowing myself to be a bit harsh here... I am not sure about your partner, but maybe she also doesn't think you're the brightest star on the sky.
One usually doesn't fall in love with our personal sexiest individual alive, rather then through an intimate connection with somebody. And you're saying yourself you are seeing a future with your Mrs. and you love her.

The images in your head are resulting from porn, whether you imagine porn or watch it, doesn't necessarily make a big difference.
.
I am sure you could find a girlfriend in her 20s. And if that is what you are seeking who am I to judge you? However, I think then you have a decision to make.
A decision against porn, including those fantasies and for your woman or one against her and whatever you pursue after.
Everything else, doesn't really sound fair to me.
 

Caravan7

Member
I think what you are experiencing is not necessarily rare.
However, the words you are saying sound extremely painful... painful if your partner could read this...
I am allowing myself to be a bit harsh here... I am not sure about your partner, but maybe she also doesn't think you're the brightest star on the sky.
One usually doesn't fall in love with our personal sexiest individual alive, rather then through an intimate connection with somebody. And you're saying yourself you are seeing a future with your Mrs. and you love her.

The images in your head are resulting from porn, whether you imagine porn or watch it, doesn't necessarily make a big difference.
.
I am sure you could find a girlfriend in her 20s. And if that is what you are seeking who am I to judge you? However, I think then you have a decision to make.
A decision against porn, including those fantasies and for your woman or one against her and whatever you pursue after.
Everything else, doesn't really sound fair to me.
Ah, no doubt! I would never want her to read these words, of course! That is where my struggle lies. I am with you that the current situation is not bearable long term and that a decision is necessary. Either I stay with her and find a way to NOT be displeased by, well, body fat essentially, or leave her. Neither option seems possible to me right now, so I'm stalled. I do not want to leave her. But I keep desiring other people. I am working on the problem two ways: neurologically, and psychologically. Not found a way out yet, either way. Yes, it's not fair, or not balanced, or not healthy: I don't lie to myself about that. After all, had I solved the problem, I may even leave this forum (unless I wanted to report a success story and advise others). As my therapist and I have concluded, there is no doubt the addiction component, but the continuing fantasies are also rooted in deeper personal issues, and we have not figured out all of those yet. Work in progress....
Thank you for your insights, they are very helpful.
 
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