I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

[jonazo91]

Hi everyone,

This is by far not my first rodeo: I've known since college (I'm 30 now) that I have a problem. It was in college that I first posted to /r/pornfree and tried for the first time to take quitting seriously (Reddit is THE WORST place to try and quit this habit). It's been a back-and-forth ride since then, and while I don't think I spend as much time on porn as I used to in college, I don't feel at all comfortable with the types of material I've been gravitating toward, and the fact that I still haven't been able to kick an addiction I first understood WAS an addiction almost 10 years ago now, really bothers me.

Lately, I've been realizing that the worst possible thing is to let yourself fall into a "shame-loop," where you consume porn, feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed, lowering your mood and your motivation, making it easier for you to relapse again. I've been trying to focus on picking right back up and getting back to the business of self-improvement and self-discipline after a tough relapse, and above all else AVOIDING BENDERS.

So, I just relapsed, about 10 minutes ago. Lately, however, I've been able to go a few days without porn more consistently than in the past. Now, it's time to take a step forward and reach out to this community and make a serious commitment to myself, my girlfriend, and everyone I love, by letting go of this chain around my neck and breaking free.

EDIT:
Maybe I should also go over my goals a little bit as well. Pretty simple. I would like to be someone who used to look at porn, but no longer does. I understand that there will likely be slips along the way, and maybe there's no state of perfection to be reached, but I simply do not want to use pornography in any shape or form, in the way that I have been using it since my teenage years. I want that to be a closed chapter of my life. I hesitate to say, "I will never watch porn again" because I know that could be setting myself up for failure and disappointment, but that's the truth of it. I want to get to a point where porn is firmly in my past, so that I can live the rest of my days free from it completely.

 

[jonazo91]

Might as well journal my first day, Day 0. I think the conditions leading to my relapse were that I woke up early, before my alarm, and moved to the couch to try to sleep more (my girlfriend and dog were hogging the bed) and couldn't fall back asleep before my work shift. Terry Crews talks about the HALT warning signs (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired), and I definitely think I had some anger over my lack of sleep and having to work today, and obviously tiredness. I'm going to try to put in a solid day's work, to have something positive to look back on today, and be kind and present with my girlfriend and any other friends I see over this weekend.

 

[Phineas 808]

Hi, jonazo! I appreciate what you've written above, and can relate to fighting a protracted addiction (mine is close to 30 years in various forms).

I can also relate to my last lapse being on a couch! But regardless, I want to help and support you in your recovery efforts.

We can do this!

 

[jonazo91]

Okay, so I guess I ought to journal this..

About 8 hours after my original post (after the end of my work shift) I relapsed. I notice this tends to happen early on when I attempt to join a porn addiction recovery community. It's like I "act out" because part of me is scared to quit. I was able to stop myself before O, but I still count it as a relapse. However, I'll also take the fact that I was able to stop myself in the middle of PM as a win, or at least as a sign of progress. Too often I fall into that "well, I already started, so I might as well finish and then start clean after that" trap, when the truth is, the best time to stop is right now. Right now. No matter how far you've already gone.

I'm considering not going with a daily tracker, because I don't want to be too hyper-aware of my day streak. I feel like getting into the semantics of "what exactly constitutes a relapse" can lead to playing a sort of chicken with yourself. "Well, if I just look for a few seconds and then close the tab, that won't be a relapse." "I went X amount of days, that's pretty good, I can rest on that and try again after I relapse right now." All of that is a distraction. Every moment is the moment I'm working with. Every moment that I'm doing ANYTHING other than looking at P is a win, no matter what I was doing the second before and no matter what I do in the next second.


So, right now I'm journaling. Tonight, I plan to go for a run (something I haven't done in over a year, I'd say) and hopefully watch a good movie and maybe read a little bit. That sounds like a good night.

 

[Phineas 808]

Good job stopping 'mid-flight'. I've found that when things go that far, if I can find a way to disrupt it, abruptly stop it, even if acting out, that it helps to hack into this habit to end it.

I've set timers, I've abruptly closed browsers, I'll quote scriptures even while acting out to 'snap out of it', etc...

To count or not to count. I hear what you're saying. I only do so for needed focus, but when I hit my goal, I simply live life without P, PMO, or MO. But to not count, I totally get that, too. I've debated it with myself numerous times, but finding what works best for you, regardless of other's opinions, is what's important.

Having 'red-line' behaviors, however, that constitute what is a lapse for you, is important to demarcate, however you do it.

 

[jonazo91]

Checking in, I did good today. It helped that I was fairly busy and around people all day. Of course, it always helps to be busy.

Will check in again soon.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Hi everyone,

This is by far not my first rodeo: I've known since college (I'm 30 now) that I have a problem. It was in college that I first posted to /r/pornfree and tried for the first time to take quitting seriously (Reddit is THE WORST place to try and quit this habit). It's been a back-and-forth ride since then, and while I don't think I spend as much time on porn as I used to in college, I don't feel at all comfortable with the types of material I've been gravitating toward, and the fact that I still haven't been able to kick an addiction I first understood WAS an addiction almost 10 years ago now, really bothers me.

I joined reddit nofap a few years ago when I was in my early 20s but I didn't feel like it was helping me too much. Reboot Nation has been helping me a lot more since I've joined because, for the first time in my life, I actually exceeded my limits and started building longer streaks.

It was high school for me when I literally binged all day every day, as much time as I could. After that I moved to every 4-5 days, it took me a while to be able to go at least 1 week without. I remember after I'd join reddit nofap, because I didn't want to reset my counter to day 1 I pushed myself to the limits and I got 19 or 20 days. I noticed that I felt better than ever so I thought there was definitely something in it but I never made it work though...I've been hooked on porn since I was 14. I'm 30 myself.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

To count or not to count. I hear what you're saying. I only do so for needed focus, but when I hit my goal, I simply live life without P, PMO, or MO. But to not count, I totally get that, too. I've debated it with myself numerous times, but finding what works best for you, regardless of other's opinions, is what's important.

I realized I don't really like counting days, although I've been doing it lately. It makes me obsess about the length of the streak and about day 1 when I relapse. Is it a relapse or not? Should I reset or not? That type of thing.

 

[Phineas 808]

I realized I don't really like counting days, although I've been doing it lately. It makes me obsess about the length of the streak and about day 1 when I relapse. Is it a relapse or not? Should I reset or not? That type of thing.

I found a way to make it work for myself when I need it. I set it and forget it, once I see where I'm at, I simply put it out of my mind. Or, I'll use the days I was abstinent as encouragement for reaching further. Like, "In 30 days time I haven't P, PMO or MO'd!" and that keeps me going when I need that focus.

But it can be demoralizing if one can't get a lengthy streak going, or one is in a lengthy streak and then lapses! And the ambiguity of whether to reset or not- like you said- if there was a slight violation of our goals. Recently after an MO session (brief and very quick, lol...), I had to decide whether that was a reset for me, or not. I decided to keep going, as being close to my overall goal, it was more important to obtain the win. Of course you have to be true to yourself- like, if the behavior was a definite comppromise, you have to reset.

One of the toughest challenges is when someone challenges your rationale, if they're either well meaning but don't understand your thinking, or (worse) they think they're some kind of enforcer out there (don't know anyone like that currently). That's why I say you have to do what's best for your own recovery.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I found a way to make it work for myself when I need it. I set it and forget it, once I see where I'm at, I simply put it out of my mind. Or, I'll use the days I was abstinent as encouragement for reaching further. Like, "In 30 days time I haven't P, PMO or MO'd!" and that keeps me going when I need that focus.

But it can be demoralizing if one can't get a lengthy streak going, or one is in a lengthy streak and then lapses! And the ambiguity of whether to reset or not- like you said- if there was a slight violation of our goals. Recently after an MO session (brief and very quick, lol...), I had to decide whether that was a reset for me, or not. I decided to keep going, as being close to my overall goal, it was more important to obtain the win. Of course you have to be true to yourself- like, if the behavior was a definite comppromise, you have to reset.

One of the toughest challenges is when someone challenges your rationale, if they're either well meaning but don't understand your thinking, or (worse) they think they're some kind of enforcer out there (don't know anyone like that currently). That's why I say you have to do what's best for your own recovery.

I know, man. Going back to day 1 after like 50 days is brutal. My mind would go like: "Fuck, man, having to wait again 50 days to get here?" It looks like a long time.

The discussion about what it's a relapse and what it's not is not new. I've always seen it as "deliberately searching and watching porn". But then there is the discussion about how much it sets you back. There is the discussion about the length of your porn session and how much it sets you back and whether you should even reset your streak to day 1 if the session was 5 minutes only. And I feel that I could avoid some of this by not obsessing about the streaks. What I think I should focus instead is not engaging in my porn world for the ongoing day. The goal should be "Go to sleep without edging, peeking etc.". And if I did this every day, it would add up. I've messed up a little in the past about keeping in mind the day I started the streak and checking out once in a while or something. I also used to have my "checkpoint" system (1 day, 5 days, 7 days (1 week), 10 days, 15 days, 20 days, 21 days (3 weeks) and so on I think you understood the idea). However, I've returned back to counting day by day and obsessing about it again.

 

[jonazo91]

Well, once again already I had a "partial," but still definite, relapse. I deliberately searched up and looked at explicit images after daring myself into it for a while. And it was while I was in the car with my parents, coming home from visiting my grandma, which is pretty disgusting behavior if I'm being honest with myself. Very addict behavior.

Sometimes I do this, where I'll secretly look at images while I'm not in a situation to PMO (i.e. in public or around people), to kind of secretly "prime" myself for what I plan to do later. That's the kind of stuff that really makes me aware that this is an addiction. It reminds me of an alcoholic or a drug seeker coming up with a whole plan of how and when they're going to get their fix, and then going into auto-pilot while you let that part of your brain take over. And it happened to me again, already, not even 2 days after I first signed onto this forum. Talking to some of you folks with 30+ day streaks, I definitely feel like a newbie at best, at worst a potential bad influence. But I guess it's all part of the process. I hope none of you are disappointed in me. I know I am.

But once again, before "finishing" the cycle, I'm just going to stop here and reflect, which is why I'm here now. I'm trying to analyze myself in these moments and see what it takes to stop myself. I always "want to quit" all the time, right up until the moment I "want to watch/look at P." So what's the difference between those two people? It's all me, all the time. The part of me that wants to quit is still there, it just needs to get back into the driver's seat and stay there for good.

 

[jonazo91]

God damn it. Full PMO relapse. It didn't have to happen. I just didn't want to listen to the voice inside my head telling me stop.

Picking right back up, though. I'm going to try and salvage the rest of this night by getting to bed as soon as I can (another major thing I need to work on is my sleep schedule) and getting a full night's sleep. I feel like I'm letting you all down, but really I'm just letting myself down.

Okay, that's enough moping. Good night. Starting back on the mission right now.

 

[jonazo91]

Well I owe you guys a journal entry. I PMOed again tonight, and it was a completely mechanical experience, not pleasurable even in the moment. As I was finishing I was already thinking how mechanical and pointless what I had just done was. I read a little bit of the YBOP page last night, which discourages the term "relapse" and warns against feeling intense shame.

This is around the time that I would usually abandon the community, admitting failure and giving up on the idea of sticking to a porn addict recovery community. Truth is, I am embarrassed and a little ashamed to have to come back here and admit defeat again, while I see many people here happily logging another successful day. But as embarrassed as I am, I'm not giving up and will try again starting right now. It's the only option I've got.

Good night.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Well I owe you guys a journal entry. I PMOed again tonight, and it was a completely mechanical experience, not pleasurable even in the moment. As I was finishing I was already thinking how mechanical and pointless what I had just done was. I read a little bit of the YBOP page last night, which discourages the term "relapse" and warns against feeling intense shame.

This is around the time that I would usually abandon the community, admitting failure and giving up on the idea of sticking to a porn addict recovery community. Truth is, I am embarrassed and a little ashamed to have to come back here and admit defeat again, while I see many people here happily logging another successful day. But as embarrassed as I am, I'm not giving up and will try again starting right now. It's the only option I've got.

Good night.

I know, man. I'm not doing better either. It's true, we don't have other choice. If we want to live without the chains, we need to do this. But sometimes I don't know what doesn't go right. Maybe it's right in front of me and I don't see it.

 

[AJM]

I PMOed again tonight, and it was a completely mechanical experience, not pleasurable even in the moment. As I was finishing I was already thinking how mechanical and pointless what I had just done was.

Wow, very profound .
That must be a moment of epiphany for you.
I felt the same experiences in my struggles , thanks for sharing.

 

[jonazo91]

Went to bed last night without using, and felt great about it. And then today, I wake up, lie in bed and scroll through YouTube, and sure enough... End up back on porn.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I think I know what my brain is doing. Now that I've committed to this community and this journal, I'm "acting out" because part of me is scared to quit.

So what am I gonna try now? Well, I'm going to look out for any moments that I'm just idly scrolling, on ANY internet/social media site. Even when it doesn't lead to PMO, it's usually a waste of time at best. The moments I'm at my best are when I'm in motion, doing something productive with my life.

Once again, I'm really embarrassed by every post I have on here being about another setback, but I'm not giving up. I will be back, and with better success.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Went to bed last night without using, and felt great about it. And then today, I wake up, lie in bed and scroll through YouTube, and sure enough... End up back on porn.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I think I know what my brain is doing. Now that I've committed to this community and this journal, I'm "acting out" because part of me is scared to quit.

So what am I gonna try now? Well, I'm going to look out for any moments that I'm just idly scrolling, on ANY internet/social media site. Even when it doesn't lead to PMO, it's usually a waste of time at best. The moments I'm at my best are when I'm in motion, doing something productive with my life.

Once again, I'm really embarrassed by every post I have on here being about another setback, but I'm not giving up. I will be back, and with better success.

Definitely, man. I call that "Mistakes management", avoiding all the past things that made me relapse. And it was going great, I reached 50 days but I had been disrespecting the mistakes management thing. I have drinking problems and it eventually got me, I can't stay porn free if I'm not sober and trying to quit both is fuckin hell. But, as long as I respected the mistakes management, things were going smooth. I believe there are 3 things we should start with, as the basics: Mistakes management, urges management, thoughts management. Finding ways to avoid the mistakes, deal with urges and not engage with the porn in our head (flashbacks, porn related fantasies etc.). Those 3 are a good way to start. I started with them and reached a month for the first time in my life. But then I started messing up, I broke the Mistakes management stuff. Drinking is included here, and I started messing with drinking. Even though the past month I haven't been able to restart successfully, those 3 things are still the way I'm going to start because they work.

 

[jonazo91]

Definitely, man. I call that "Mistakes management", avoiding all the past things that made me relapse. And it was going great, I reached 50 days but I had been disrespecting the mistakes management thing. I have drinking problems and it eventually got me, I can't stay porn free if I'm not sober and trying to quit both is fuckin hell. But, as long as I respected the mistakes management, things were going smooth. I believe there are 3 things we should start with, as the basics: Mistakes management, urges management, thoughts management. Finding ways to avoid the mistakes, deal with urges and not engage with the porn in our head (flashbacks, porn related fantasies etc.). Those 3 are a good way to start. I started with them and reached a month for the first time in my life. But then I started messing up, I broke the Mistakes management stuff. Drinking is included here, and I started messing with drinking. Even though the past month I haven't been able to restart successfully, those 3 things are still the way I'm going to start because they work.

Tell ya what, let's both just try to get through these next 24 hours porn and alcohol free and take it from there, what do you say?

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Tell ya what, let's both just try to get through these next 24 hours porn and alcohol free and take it from there, what do you say?

I'm in, of course. I'm in the process of trying to restart successfully this time.

 

[jonazo91]

Checking in, I'm about 32 hours porn free right now. Had an okay night, had trouble falling asleep for a while (but no urges) so I read for a while before going back to bed and falling asleep. Feels so much better to read yourself to sleep than to give into the PMO habit.

I still want to get my sleep schedule in better shape (I went to sleep around 3 and woke up around 11:30 AM), but it's been a fairly smooth day in terms of P urges (that is, LACK of urges), so I'll take it.