I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

jonazo91

Active Member
Had another PMO session earlier today. I was on no sleep and alone in the house, and instead of trying to get some sleep, I gave into urges almost right away. I understand things are always gonna be harder when I'm sleep deprived, but there's always going to be one excuse or another and I'm going to have to learn to deal with those situations without caving so quickly. This brings me up to 4 PMO this week since last Sunday, which is pretty shoddy.

PMO this week (starting Sunday): 4
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Checking in today, Sunday is one of my 3-a-week days so I couldn't end today without a check-in. I'm feeling okay, even optimistic. I've decided to try to cut down on my use of cannabis (mostly edibles/gummies lately). It hasn't completely spiraled out of control, but eventually I probably ought to stop altogether as I'm an adult now. And I want to become as comfortable as possible with real life with no added "enhancements" to alter my experience. Modern life is full of so many little "escapes" and they're all so easy to access now. Porn, social media, legal cannabis. I'm not saying these things are all equally bad, but they're symptoms of the same thing. A quick, easy out. Something to take the edge off. Somewhere to go for a little bit when reality gets too much. I want reality. The more comfortable I am with regular-old, analog, slow-paced reality, the better. Along with this I'm also trying to limit the amount of time I spend looking at screens, and especially using the internet. I don't know if this is all strictly part of my porn recovery plan, it's more just attempting to change how I live my life on the whole. More time spent in the present, real world. A huge part of that is of course, quitting porn, but it isn't the only part.

For now, I'm limiting myself to using cannabis once a week at most, with the hope that I will come to "crave" it even less than that and eventually be comfortable with the idea of quitting for good. I don't have a set plan for screen time, but I've been trying to put distance between myself and my phone as much as possible, and limit the amount of times I just idly pull it out to stare at it for no reason. Meanwhile, I'm trying to fill in the spaces with activities I had been slacking off on: reading, exercise, practicing violin, etc.

PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Current streak: 1 day
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Ugh, just had another midday lapse during work (from home, if that changes anything). I had a slight urge last night before bed that I was able to fight off, and I felt good coming into today, and then I found my way to a trigger today and pretty easily gave in. I have to make the most of today and get back on track, right now. Part of me is realizing I need to be patient and forgiving with myself, the other part feels like I'm just spinning my wheels and accomplishing nothing. Like, am I even really trying?

But negative self talk will get me nowhere. I know I am capable of beating this. I just have to keep getting right back on that horse.


PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Feeling completely drained today. Last night, I began another lapse by looking up P while walking my dog before bed. Then my phone died while I was still out on the walk, so no more peeking at P.

The rest of the walk, at least 20 minutes, was me going back and forth with myself, talking myself back in and out of continuing the lapse. It was hard. It feels stupid, in retrospect. But that feeling of "I've already started, I have to finish now" is so hard to say no to. But at the end of the walk, I felt like I could do it. I would just make a beeline to bed and go right to sleep. Then it was another whole ordeal. I stopped and just stared at where my laptop was and wrestled with myself again. I even got on my knees and prayed to God.
I got all the way to my bedroom and put my phone on the charger. Started looking at it once it was turned back on. And I caved again.

Overall, it was probably almost an hour of internal mental struggle. I didn't feel strong enough, but I felt like if I just took it one step at a time and didn't allow myself an out, I'd have a chance to get through the night without taking it any further. And then, at the end of it all, I still gave in.

Right now, I feel pretty God damn demoralized. I feel like I just went 12 rounds with my demons and lost. But I don't know. I guess it was good practice. From time to time in my life, it's going to be like that. If I'm going to ever have any chance to quit, I'm going to have to get used to battles like that. I lost that battle last night, and right now, it feels pretty bad. But at least there was a battle first. I need to be stronger.


PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 0 days
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Sorry about that, Jonazo. I know when I've been there (many times), I would at least congratulate myself for putting up some kind of fight. There's been times of 'no fight', so this was no hollow self-encouragment.

You'll do it, Jonazo. Be patient with yourself, and never give up!
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Well, after that rough day, I had a pretty good rest of the week. One night, I had some porn-related dreams (a friend finding porn on my phone, me searching up porn), which are always a little weird but I try to take them as a good sign that my brain is noticing a change in my relationship with porn. I've had a few questionable situations where I started to search up p-subs, but I didn't take them very far. Overall, a pretty solid rest of the week and decent momentum to take into this week.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Current streak: 4 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Hi all,

So, late Monday night/early Tuesday morning, I lapsed again. My fiancee had gone to bed early and I stayed up to play video games. I guess it's okay if that happens once in a while, but really, it's a pretty common risk factor for me, so I should have known better and not stayed up. But I did, and eventually I found myself once again going back to PMO. I got to bed really late (around 4) and woke up at 8 to take the dog out. My plan was to go back to sleep for a while after that, but instead, I laid in bed and looked at my phone, and the combination of my lack of sleep and my diminished mood (from the PMO the night before) led me right back to looking at porn on my phone again as I laid in bed. I was fairly close to a full PMO relapse again, but my tiredness won out and I put my phone down and tried to get some sleep instead.

I'd like to point out that @Blondie 's post about avoiding "black-and-white" thinking really saved me here. Plenty of times in that situation, I would have considered myself too far gone. I hadn't started masturbating yet, but I had viewed full-on pornographic imagery and actively searched up more. The "pattern" had begun. And I'd like to say that it was some immense feat of willpower that got me to stop, but really all it was was that I listened to my body and decided I needed sleep more than anything. So I laid there, still coming down from the dopamine kick of looking at porn, just trying to calm myself down and think of other things. It was still bad behavior. It was still something to avoid. But I'm very happy I was able to stop when I did. Hopefully I can limit myself to, I guess I'd call it 1 and 1/2 PMO this week, which would be a move in the right direction.

I hope everyone's doing well. I'm trying to be kind to myself after the moments when I'm weak, and encourage myself to stay in the moments where I'm strong as much as possible.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
P (no MO) this week: 1
Current streak: 2 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Unfortunately I had another lapse yesterday. It seems sometimes I jinx myself by posting on here, but of course that's not the right way to think of it. Posting here is a good, positive thing. But then my addict brain becomes eager to self-sabotage. I"m determined not to let this become a backslide or a binge. I'm desperate to get to a point where I can easily go a month or longer without incident, but I have to meet myself where I am and be patient and forgiving with myself, while also not becoming lax and allowing bad behavior to seep back in. It really is a challenge.

I had not-great sleep last night, including some porn-related dreams. I woke up with some urges, but so far I feel I can keep them at bay. I wish this were easier.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
P (no MO) this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
The past day has been a disaster. All through last night and into this morning, I have been a P-drone. Last night I engaged heavily in porn and then the shame and bad feelings from it brought me back to it again last night as I was trying to fall asleep. I pulled out my phone and started viewing porn again, got some hours of sleep (not enough) and then this morning jumped right back into porn, culminating in some really bad behavior I'm not proud of (i.e. paying for clips).

It's scary how when my addict brain takes over, it always wants to go into overdrive and shock me with the most destructive, shameful behavior. Constantly looking for a way to make my problem worse. We all know about this, I'm sure. It's why we're here. But why is it so hard to step away from when I'm in the middle of it? What makes me purposely seek out self-destructive behavior?

Right now, I've been binge-watching Dr. Trish Leigh youtube videos while trying to get through my work day being as productive as possible. I have to right this ship right now and get back on track. But I also need a bigger change. I can't just keep cycling like this. This is going to be hard. If I'm having an easy time, I should check on myself and see what I'm slacking off on. Right now, I'm in the pits. I feel like I've been purposely degrading my self-worth for over a decade and my work has paid off. That's when it's easiest to fall further into the binge spiral I've been on. But the only way out is reversing the cycle, being kind to myself and working on self-improvement. I just can't kick the nagging feeling that it's hopeless.

I want to try and focus on the small changes for the better I've been seeing lately. Until this week, my number of slip-ups per week had been going down. I was successfully isolating slip-up incidents and really working not to let them spiral into multi-day binges. Now, I'm just off of a multi-day binge and I can remember why I was trying to avoid these. I feel like garbage.

This isn't square one. It's a slip-up, and it's a worse slip-up than I've had in a few weeks, but it's not insurmountable and it doesn't erase the work I've been putting in. But it is bad. I want to take this bad feeling and remember it, but also not wallow in it. It's a fine tightrope to walk.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 4
P (no MO) this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
jonazo, I like how you say to be kind to yourself. And I always detect that hopefulness in your posts, never let go of that.

I understand that tight-rope you mention, all too well!

It's never hopeless, and you're worth and it's worth the struggle! Keep it up!
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Thanks, I figure that negative self-talk is only harmful to my progress. Even when I feel pretty damn negative, it's not worth indulging and encouraging a negative self-view. I need to feel confident that I will prevail, if I keep trying. It's kind of a cliche I guess: I'll only succeed if I believe I'll succeed. But it's true.

I've had a clean week so far, and feeling like I'm on an uptick generally in terms of my habits and self-discipline. My fiancee and I got Ring Fit Adventure (fitness video game, for the uninitiated) and I had a great time working out with it. I'm hoping I can turn that into a daily thing and kind of sneak a fitness regimen into my life through gaming. Haha.

Of course, the biggest issue for me right now is "Waiting for the other shoe to drop" i.e. for a strong urge to hit me again, and how I'll respond to it. Awareness that it will come is important. Being in a positive mindset and aware of my long-term goals is important, so that when a moment like that comes, I have some internal fortitude to fight against those urges. But also, keeping myself away from the situations that lead to those urges is equally important. Staying up late after my fiancee goes to bed. Getting bored or discouraged at work and idly looking at my phone. Waking up in the morning, laying in bed looking at my phone. Any of these moments, I need to be vigilant and make sure the general is in control of the ... idk, army. My metaphor game isn't too strong right now.

Point is, there are key moments when I am most vulnerable. After I've done something stressful and have downtime. When I'm tired and bored late at night but "don't feel like going to bed yet." When I'm at work and feel mentally overexerted and want to "veg out" for a little bit with my brain. Any time I'm tired and am allowing myself to be lazy with my behaviors or my train of thought. Rest is very important, but that's why I need to be mindful and conscious of taking time to rest. And times of rest are best without any sort of extraneous stimulation anyway, like a scrolling phone screen full of worthless nonsense!

I've still been actively trying to limit my phone screen time as much as I can, which largely depends on how "aware" and "in the driver's seat" I'm being. When I'm being idle, I look at my phone still, with no purpose. One idea I've had is to change my mindset, so that if I'm looking at my phone, whatever it is I'm doing with it, that's what I'm doing. So instead of looking at my phone in idle moments between what I'm doing, the attitude is, looking at my phone is The Activity I'm Doing Right Now. That way, it's more conscious, and I know to limit it to a reasonable period of time, and that, if I'm on facebook, or YouTube, or whatever, there's no reason to venture off to any other sites.

I'll check back in in a few days.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 4
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Current streak: 3 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Had another fallback today, in one of my classic risk scenarios: during work hours, a little stressed, a little frustrated, wanting to escape from the drudgery of my life for a little while. As I was on the road of relapse, part of me was saying "why don't I just stop here? Better than taking it all the way" but the hijacker part of my brain said "la la la I can't hear you."

I'm trying to focus on positives in moments like this so I keep sight of my long term goals. So here are some positives.

-I went 4 days without incident, which on this forum with people on 300-day streaks seems pathetic, but is better than my average had been for a very long time. Furthermore, if I can get through the rest of the week clean, it will be my best week in many months and I can still build momentum to stay clean for a much longer period starting now.

-This was a relatively short, small lapse and compared with recent history, not an absolute hours-long crash and burn.

-Any time I come on here and post after a slip-up, it's because I haven't given up and I'm making an effort to be accountable and upfront about when I slip up. Even though it's embarrassing every time I have to admit I looked at porn again, the fact I'm on here coming clean and owning up is a good thing and a good sign for my overall recovery.

-It wasn't a late-night relapse, which means I can still focus on the rest of my night and get to bed at a decent hour and be fresh for tomorrow.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 4
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Today was rather touch and go. I got into a similar situation as yesterday where I was frustrated and a little stressed at work, and wanted to do anything other than think about work for a few minutes. Even on my best days, my ability to focus on work is pretty shoddy. I'm aware this is a symptom of a porn habit as well, and I'm looking forward to improving in that area as I learn to kick this habit.

Anyway, so I go to my phone and start looking up p-subs. Really stupid stuff, like looking up porn stars names on sfw sites so I come across sfw pictures of them. Really playing with fire. Part of me is thinking, "really? After talking all that big game of 'taking positives from my setback' not even 24 hours ago?" And part of me was actively understanding why I was seeking out porn in that moment. Frustration, generalized anger and stress. I wanted an out. I think these thoughts helped me cool down a little and I was able to put my phone away and try to put my focus back on work. Also (and this is cheesy) I decided to walk over to my fiancee (I work from home) and give her a kiss. Partly for selfish reasons (figured it was a healthier source of a mild dopamine hit) but I think overall my intentions were in the right place. So I held off.

But even as the night went on, and once I was done with work, the temptation wasn't fully gone and I started searching up p-subs again. Again I was able to stop myself early enough, but I still feel bad that I came so close today. I guess it's good in a way. Abstaining from porn is never going to mean "never having urges ever again" and I'm still in the very early stages of learning to respond to those urges with anything other than complete surrender. But I feel like I wasn't completely pure today. I wanted porn. I narrowly escaped it when I came close. But anyway. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully I can take what I learned from today and give it my all again tomorrow.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 4
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
Current streak: 1 day
 
Today was rather touch and go. I got into a similar situation as yesterday where I was frustrated and a little stressed at work, and wanted to do anything other than think about work for a few minutes. Even on my best days, my ability to focus on work is pretty shoddy. I'm aware this is a symptom of a porn habit as well, and I'm looking forward to improving in that area as I learn to kick this habit.

Anyway, so I go to my phone and start looking up p-subs. Really stupid stuff, like looking up porn stars names on sfw sites so I come across sfw pictures of them. Really playing with fire. Part of me is thinking, "really? After talking all that big game of 'taking positives from my setback' not even 24 hours ago?" And part of me was actively understanding why I was seeking out porn in that moment. Frustration, generalized anger and stress. I wanted an out. I think these thoughts helped me cool down a little and I was able to put my phone away and try to put my focus back on work. Also (and this is cheesy) I decided to walk over to my fiancee (I work from home) and give her a kiss. Partly for selfish reasons (figured it was a healthier source of a mild dopamine hit) but I think overall my intentions were in the right place. So I held off.

But even as the night went on, and once I was done with work, the temptation wasn't fully gone and I started searching up p-subs again. Again I was able to stop myself early enough, but I still feel bad that I came so close today. I guess it's good in a way. Abstaining from porn is never going to mean "never having urges ever again" and I'm still in the very early stages of learning to respond to those urges with anything other than complete surrender. But I feel like I wasn't completely pure today. I wanted porn. I narrowly escaped it when I came close. But anyway. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully I can take what I learned from today and give it my all again tomorrow.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 4
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
Current streak: 1 day
I find that every time I post about a good day, I have a trying one the next, or soon after. It's good that you reisted, despite coming close. It's deciding not to do it today that's important. And you followed through with that.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Ugh.

I let myself down, again. I woke up to my 8 AM alarm, which lately I usually turn off and go to bed for another 2 hours (the sleep schedule is a work in progress). Today, I looked at my phone and immediately started searching p-subs again and ended up PMO. It was relatively softer material this time, not that I think that changes anything. I think I just do that for a while when I get bored of the hard stuff to mix it up. It's all just an endless cycle that I'm so used to at this point.

Do I take it one minute at a time, be thankful it's behind me and pick up and try again? Do I reflect and examine what exactly caused this latest relapse and try to have a plan for next time I'm in the same situation? I just want OUT. I want to stop posting here. I want something different to happen in my brain for once. The small victories just seem pathetic when followed up so quickly with another relapse.

I'm coming up on a year on this forum and I really want to have something to show for it. I've been fighting this addiction for longer than that, but this is easily the most consistent I've been on a porn addiction forum. But it still feels like I'm on day 0 of my journey. I guess that's silly, and your "journey" isn't the same as your current streak. But have I learned anything? Have I made any forward progress? Is this forum just an outlet I use to let go of some of the guilt of my porn use, so I can keep using with a clearer conscience?

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 4
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Put it behind you/Don't memory-hole it.

Such a fine tightrope to walk but it seems to be key.

Memory-holing is what I tried to do all throughout college and my early 20s. Also known as compartmentalizing. Treating porn as just a "natural part of your day." Go in and consume porn, finish up, and get on with your day like nothing happened. Stay up late watching porn and act like it's just normal for you to be this tired or sleep in till noon. Or not to have made progress on any of your goals. Coast. I don't think I lived without shame during this part of my life. It was more like shame was a constant. I lowered my moral standard so that it only felt natural to feel a little shame all the time throughout my day.

The other side is dwelling on it. Throwing yourself into a deep hole of shame after a relapse, letting yourself feel worthless. The fact is, porn is morally disgusting, and thinking back on how you were just enjoying and indulging in it is often a tough pill to swallow. Porn reveals the worst of us and invites us to wallow in it. But what do these negative thoughts do? What of the question, "Is this really who I am?" How to answer that? I guess the truth is, we decide "who we are" at every moment, and we always have the opportunity to change that narrative. But telling myself "I don't have to be that person, I can be better," only to decide once again to "be that person" less than 24 hours later is discouraging. Feels like I was lying to myself to begin with. And with that feeling, the feeling of "I'm a liar, I really am immoral, disgusting, worthless," it's easy to want to think of anything else at all. Like, hey, who was that star I was looking at earlier during my relapse? That feels better than thinking about my own feelings of worthlessness and shame.

In the middle is... what? I don't feel like I've figured it out yet. Maybe there's never a point where I'll be like "hey! I figured it out!" I guess it's a constant process. But what does it look like? I have to self-examine. I have to look plainly at the truth of what porn is, what it's doing to me, what I'm doing to myself every time I choose to engage with it. And how I'm training myself to look at women, and at the sexual act, and at sexuality itself. It's not comfortable to think about that. It does feel bad. But compartmentalizing it is death. It's unfathomable for me to even think of going back to how I was in college, where any amount of porn use was acceptable to me, it was fine, it wasn't even really a bad thing to do. That simply will never be my reality ever again. And frankly, thank God for that. I'd rather live in a cycle of guilt my whole life than make that awful moral bargain, to simply "be okay with it." But I need to learn to walk the tightrope. I can't ignore it. I have to face it. I have to face myself. I suppose blame is useless. I am not "blameless," but blame lies in the past. I do feel I need to repent, sincerely, every time. But what is repentance when you know you might commit the same sin again? How do you face your sins, feel guilt but not shame? How do you feel the pain of your sin but the... hope? faith? that you will prevail over it?


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 4
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Short post today, just a quick update. I'm exhausted today after running around all day yesterday with my fiancee. We went to 4 estate sales (which I've learned I find prettty boring) and then later we went mini-golfing. For some parts of the day (like after the 4th estate sale we went to) I was a little grouchy. I think a lot lately about how porn's extreme dopamine dumps can have the effect of taking the zest out of every day life, as nothing can compare to the dopamine hit of PMO. I think that manifests mostly in me by the way I sometimes get irritable and frustrated when I'm bored, or when I'm not just relaxing. When I have things to do. But I mean, that's all part of life. I am really trying to radically move my life experience out of the digital world as much as possible, leaving my phone alone as often as I possibly can. I want to get back that slower, take-life-as-it-comes pace that I remember from my childhood. Was that because it was a less digital time, or just because I was a child with a simpler life and less responsibilities? I kind of think both are at play.

I've been able to stay clean since Friday morning, which brings me to 2 PMO incidents last week, which is actually improvement. I went and read/skimmed through my whole thread here and there have been plenty of times where I was using at least once a day. I hope, with God's help, that I'm NEVER back at that stage again. I feel hopeful for the future.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Current streak: 2 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I had a relapse today, after flirting with triggers on and off today since last night. I need to realize that Mondays are going to be tough, as that's the day that we go visit my grandma who's going through some late stages of Alzheimer's/dementia (I'm not certain of her specific diagnosis). It always brightens her day to see us, which feels good, but it's also sad to see her in that condition and obviously that stress can get to me and make me crave an escape. I think that's the short version of what happened today.

So now, my short term goal is clear. Avoid another relapse this week and make it the best week I've had since starting the weekly counter. Of course making it a good week means more than just avoiding porn. It means positively and actively making it a good, productive week. I'm going on a short vacation with friends starting Wednesday, so I'll be having fun with them and hopefully too stimulated and happy to crave porn, but past years on this same trip have gone both ways. Sometimes I was able to leave porn behind, sometimes I wasn't.

I need to be stronger. I understand I'm not in the same place as everyone else in this forum, but I can't excuse a relapse a week every week for much longer. I'm trying to grow. I'm trying to balance being patient with myself and giving myself time to grow, with pushing myself and not letting myself become complacent. Another thing that stressed me out I think is that I injured myself playing softball and had to take a few days off of my new fitness routine, which will be further interrupted by this vacation, so I'm afraid I'm going to lose my motivation for it. But that's all fully in my control. I guess the way to think about it is, I'm either working on myself or destroying myself. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but it's not too much to ask to always be working on yourself. There's no such thing as coasting. Coasting is always a downward spiral. If I work on myself, I can make my life better.

Anyway, I'm just trying to motivate myself after another setback. Trying not to lose sight of my goals and to stay motivated.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
Current streak: 0 days
 

Awareness

Member
I had a relapse today, after flirting with triggers on and off today since last night. I need to realize that Mondays are going to be tough, as that's the day that we go visit my grandma who's going through some late stages of Alzheimer's/dementia (I'm not certain of her specific diagnosis). It always brightens her day to see us, which feels good, but it's also sad to see her in that condition and obviously that stress can get to me and make me crave an escape. I think that's the short version of what happened today.

So now, my short term goal is clear. Avoid another relapse this week and make it the best week I've had since starting the weekly counter. Of course making it a good week means more than just avoiding porn. It means positively and actively making it a good, productive week. I'm going on a short vacation with friends starting Wednesday, so I'll be having fun with them and hopefully too stimulated and happy to crave porn, but past years on this same trip have gone both ways. Sometimes I was able to leave porn behind, sometimes I wasn't.

I need to be stronger. I understand I'm not in the same place as everyone else in this forum, but I can't excuse a relapse a week every week for much longer. I'm trying to grow. I'm trying to balance being patient with myself and giving myself time to grow, with pushing myself and not letting myself become complacent. Another thing that stressed me out I think is that I injured myself playing softball and had to take a few days off of my new fitness routine, which will be further interrupted by this vacation, so I'm afraid I'm going to lose my motivation for it. But that's all fully in my control. I guess the way to think about it is, I'm either working on myself or destroying myself. Maybe that sounds dramatic, but it's not too much to ask to always be working on yourself. There's no such thing as coasting. Coasting is always a downward spiral. If I work on myself, I can make my life better.

Anyway, I'm just trying to motivate myself after another setback. Trying not to lose sight of my goals and to stay motivated.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
Current streak: 0 days
I can empathize with the injury aspect. Last year I injured myself playing sports and had an odyssey of doctor visits and possible surgery. Overwhelming trigger.
Be strong, you can do this. It alwas gows on somehow and we grow from setbacks if we learn from them.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Earlier today (during work) I watched/listened to a YouTube video with erotic talk. No nudity, but I listened to it with pornographic intent, no doubt. And it went on for a while. I eventually lost interest and it didn't go farther than that but I'm still counting it as unacceptable behavior, equivalent to looking at P. I'm realizing YouTube is one of my main sources for p-subs lately, and really, it would be best for me to get off of it or really limit my time on there. I've been a big YouTube watcher for a long time, and I find it pretty tough now to completely get off it. But my problem, as with so many social media type sites, is that the racy stuff is mixed right in with the innocuous stuff, and it takes a lot of self discipline to purposely avoid all the triggers. One of the best things I did for myself a while ago was delete my Twitter account, and earlier, my Instagram account. But YouTube is harder for me, for some reason.

Leaving at 1 pm tomorrow for my vacation with friends. I was a little short with my fiancee earlier but we're mostly doing okay. I'm going to miss her. I feel a little vulnerable to triggers right now, but I'm trying to keep myself extra accountable and just fall into having good times with friends and not receding into myself. But at the same time checking in on myself and keeping up with my own mental health.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
P, no MO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
 
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