I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

jonazo91

Active Member
Okay, so I failed again. Can't make this a long post because I also stayed up really really late to do it. Very predictable, very familiar behavior. That's all I can say. I try to come on here and own up every time I relapse now because it's the least I can do to have some sort of negative consequence (admitting failure in this forum) every time I lapse. I need to at least feel some level of consequences for my actions.

Not happy right now, but still have a lot on my plate to do before 1 PM tomorrow.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
P, no MO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Okay, so I'm gonna try something different: I'm gonna give up porn. That sounds stupid, but I'm just acknowledging that I've only been half in this fight so far. I have made improvements, and I am very happy about that and not discounting that. But now it's time to seriously put some effort into giving up porn.

In the short term? I'm about to leave on a trip for 4 days where undoubtedly, my sleep patterns, my daily routines, my sleeping arrangements, my surroundings and environments, are all going to be way different than my normal life. Actually my sleep schedule might be better as we tend to like to get going in the morning on these trips, which is better than I can say for my own life many days. Haha. Much of the time, I will be surrounded by people and engaged in fun activities, which means I won't have much opportunity for searching up porn, and hopefully I'll be too stimulated to crave it anyway. HOWEVER, there will also be times back at the AirBNB where I will have down time, possible alone time, and I will be tired out and be craving a mental break from all the stimulation and excitement of the day. I will need to be careful, and put on my thinking cap during these moments. Check in on who's in the driver's seat.

In the long term? I need to recognize times when I am most likely triggered and treat those times like the high-alert times that they are. In these moments I need to assess myself, my mood, my energy, my motivation, and what I need. If I need a rest, or to veg out for a bit? Fine! But know how and for how long I will be in that "veg-out" state. If I need to just go to bed, then realize I really NEED to go to bed. Not stare at my phone for another half hour/two hours and then go to bed.

Equally importantly, I need to build on and continue to build good habits throughout my day. Working out. Practicing violin. Reading. I'm not asking myself a lot. I just want to put in work every day that works positively toward a better me. Eventually, I should look at larger goals, like finding a new job that's 1st-shift rather than 2nd-shift. But for now, I want to set up some good daily habits for myself and stick with them regularly.

So this isn't really a brand new thing, it's the same thing I have been saying for most of the past year. But now, it's time to give up porn. Everything I said above should help toward that goal. And I understand, there will most likely still be slip-ups in the future from time to time. But it's time to put in a serious effort. Maybe starting small and working from there is key. The teeniest tiniest goal is getting to Sunday with no more PMO incidents. But I'm setting myself a challenge right now:

Go the rest of August with no PMO.

That's a reasonable goal, I think. It has an endpoint, which is really just so my mind better understands it as an achievable goal. It doesn't mean that I open up the 'hub on September 1. But it does mean that PMO before the end of August is a fail-state of the goal. It is possible that I will fail, and I don't want that to be the end of the world for me. But that's why it's a challenge. It's hard, harder than I'm used to, but certainly attainable if I put in effort. I'm ready to give this stuff up now. It's time I up the challenge a little bit, and push myself.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
P, no MO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Quick update as I really ought to be asleep: doing fine with no further incidents since last time. I'm staying in an airBNB with 5 other people and have been around people almost all day every day, so my opportunity to use P is limited, but I'm still giving myself credit. My addict brain could find a way if it needed to.

I did have some light urges (or like, itches) earlier laying in bed tonight, but I was able to refocus and come here instead. I'm committed to no-porn August (and beyond).

Good night, check in again soon.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
P, no MO this week: 1
Current streak: 2 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Last night I failed miserably. I don't have much to say for myself right now. Feeling very guilty and frustrated with myself, trying not to let that turn to shame and negative self talk.

New goal is 30 days, to September 6.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I had another lapse last night/Monday morning, and have been tempted to just fall back into a familiar pattern of using once a day. Just now I felt the urge again, like "why not? You've already messed up, give yourself a little time to have fun and then jump back into it." Whatever. I'm not going to go through my whole internal monologue on here tonight. All I have to do right now is walk the dog, brush my teeth and go to sleep. And then I'll have 24 hours again. And then we'll take it from there.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Nope. Instead I immediately opened up porn after writing the last post. I'm struggling again. I came up with a simple game plan for the next time I get an urge, hopefully I can stick to it. It's just 1) throw my phone across the room and don't pick it back up, 2) stand up, pace around and take some deep breaths, and 3) drink a glass of water. That's it, I'm not making it any more complicated than that. And for now, that's my goal. Stave off my next urge and find the light at the end of this tunnel I'm in right now. The long term goals don't go away, but right now I need baby steps.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 3
Current streak: 0 days
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Nope. Instead I immediately opened up porn after writing the last post. I'm struggling again. I came up with a simple game plan for the next time I get an urge, hopefully I can stick to it. It's just 1) throw my phone across the room and don't pick it back up, 2) stand up, pace around and take some deep breaths, and 3) drink a glass of water. That's it, I'm not making it any more complicated than that. And for now, that's my goal. Stave off my next urge and find the light at the end of this tunnel I'm in right now. The long term goals don't go away, but right now I need baby steps.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 3
Current streak: 0 days
That's right, man. Often, a short term tactic is what we need. Sometimes we make it look too complicated. I believe in the "2 seconds rule". We have about 2 seconds to focus on something else.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
That's right, man. Often, a short term tactic is what we need. Sometimes we make it look too complicated. I believe in the "2 seconds rule". We have about 2 seconds to focus on something else.
Thanks man, I hope you're doing well. This recovery thing is a constant balancing act of long-term goals with immediate, short-term tactics, as you put it.

I've managed to stay clear since my last post. Last night, in a somewhat familiar situation, I noticed myself just beginning to slip, and I tried out my method and it seemed to work. I almost wondered if it was too early, but no, there's no such thing. I knew in my head where I was capable of taking that moment, so I switched up my situation and stood up and drank a glass of water.

For now, I'm still focusing on the present while keeping in mind that I really want to build better and better successes and leave the negative, the stagnation behind. I have a couple busy days ahead, but hopefully in a good, fun way, so I'm just trying to focus on staying grounded and keeping tabs on my mental and emotional state. And remembering that I can always chuck the phone, stand up, breathe, and drink a glass of water.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 3
Current streak: 3 days
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Thanks man, I hope you're doing well. This recovery thing is a constant balancing act of long-term goals with immediate, short-term tactics, as you put it.

I've managed to stay clear since my last post. Last night, in a somewhat familiar situation, I noticed myself just beginning to slip, and I tried out my method and it seemed to work. I almost wondered if it was too early, but no, there's no such thing. I knew in my head where I was capable of taking that moment, so I switched up my situation and stood up and drank a glass of water.

For now, I'm still focusing on the present while keeping in mind that I really want to build better and better successes and leave the negative, the stagnation behind. I have a couple busy days ahead, but hopefully in a good, fun way, so I'm just trying to focus on staying grounded and keeping tabs on my mental and emotional state. And remembering that I can always chuck the phone, stand up, breathe, and drink a glass of water.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 3
Current streak: 3 days
Great job, man! If you did it once, you can do it for as many times as needed. One thing that I've noticed is that thinking too much about the future struggle can be detrimental and I will explain what I mean by that. Let's say you had a hard episode of urges but you did the 2 seconds rule or whatever else and it helped you, you didn't relapse. You might have to do this thing another 200 times in the future but if you start thinking now: "Fuck, this was difficult! And I need to do this for the next months?" Then it becomes an obstacle. I've relapsed many times like that, worrying about how many times in the future I would have to go through the same difficult moments. We've probably heard this a million times by now but we are really doing this one day at a time, one moment at a time actually. Each difficult moment with this addiction needs to be dealt with in the present without worrying how many times it's going to show up in the future, you know what I mean? That's the conclusion that I've come to.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I'm still struggling. I came back from a night of drinking and smoking pot with friends Saturday night and immediately jumped into pmo with no resistance. I have to start thinking about how alcohol and cannabis are potential triggers for me. I'm not ready to give them up 100%, but I need to learn not to let myself lose control, and to consider phasing them both out as I get older.

Then Sunday, I was fighting urges to relapse from a "chaser effect" for much of the day. I did view some P, and eventually compromised by MOing without looking at anymore P. Still counting that one as PMO overall.

Today I had another PMO, and now I'm here just reporting on my week so far and trying to stay vigilant against the chaser effect this time. I'm clearly still in "day-to-day" mode. Maybe it's always going to be "day-to-day mode."

In any case, I'm not in a situation to pontificate deeply on my addiction and my newest plan. When all my plans seem to lead to me not being able to stick to them for more than a few days, I feel like I should just revert to survival mode. Get through the rest of the day without looking at any more porn. And then try again tomorrow.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 3
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 3
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Rough week overall. God. I had another PMO right after posting my last post (I don't know if I come and post here when I'm already vulnerable, or if posting here triggers part of my addict brain to act out). I also just had another PMO lapse about a half hour ago. That makes 5 this week, which is unquestionably a backslide. I can also see it in my sleep schedule and my general lack of motivation and proactiveness, which has been slipping lately. I'm trying not to be too emotional about my relapses (or whatever it's best to call them). Either I'm going to change or I'm not. If I'm still posting here, I'm at least still aware it's a problem and at least paying lip service to wanting to address the problem.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 3
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 5
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
PMO Sunday night, Tuesday night, and Thursday night (a half hour ago). I'm spinning my wheels. I need to break out right now. I need to start from scratch.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 5
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 3
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I had a pretty good week going so far this week, but last night I went out for a buddy's birthday and got drunk and went home and went to PMO. I did try to resist the urges for a little while, but at a certain point my resolve simply melted away like butter.

Today, I'm hungover and on not enough sleep, and doing my best to fight off chaser urges that have been coming in waves.

More later. I have to get to work now.



PMO last week (starting Sunday): 5
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I am posting here after another setback this week. If I have to analyze the factors leading to this one, I'd have to say it was a mixture of boredom and frustration, and a kind of mental/emotional restlessness. My fiancee had gone to bed and I stayed up watching YouTube videos and scrolling Facebook. These are very familiar behaviors and it should be easy enough for me to see that staying up late after my fiancee goes to sleep is always going to be a danger. So I should change that behavior. If I want to quit porn, I absolutely have to take away my chances to fall back.

Last week, I had a few setbacks (including one early Sunday morning that I'm counting to this week on my tracker for consistency's sake) and those were both alcohol-induced. Late nights up alone are always going to be dangerous for me. Especially now, when I still need to get a month clean as a first milestone, I need to be really strict with myself in these situations. On the positive side, I had some urges to repeat the next day, because of my tiredness and diminished mood from relapsing the night before, and I was able to hold off and not repeat the behavior for a few days at least. Small victories, but I think it's important to analyze what I did right just as much as what I did wrong.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 1
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 0 days
 

SimonM

Active Member
Go to bed with her. Always. I've started doing that and it helped a lot eliminating this one time to fail. Tell her that you will go to bed with her from now on and not to let you stay up. You never know - it may even lead to real sex instead of porn fantasies... That's also healthy for your relationship. :)
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I pray to God that one day I will put this addiction behind me. It's such a frustrating and self-defeating addiction. It's a surefire way to make me miserable for the next 24 hours. And yet I keep failing. Have I made small progress? Maybe? It depends on the week. Last week was pretty pathetic. This week, I started off strong, not only in terms of abstaining from porn use but in going to bed with my fiancee and keeping to healthier habits. But today was stressful, and I was tired, and I gave in to temptation again, while I was at work. I want to make a serious change.

I don't want to feel like I'm starting over every time, so I'm trying to jump right back on the horse now. I'm going to get to bed at a half decent hour tonight, with my fiancee, and wake up at a decent hour tomorrow and get working on myself.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 4
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Okay that's enough hiding from this place. Sometimes I dread posting here. My progress is slow if at all, and I always feel embarrassed having to admit I watched porn yet again. My frequency has gone down a little bit, I think. I somehow eked out only one PMO last week, but I've already done it twice this week, and besides that, I feel myself "cheating" a lot more than that (looking up borderline material, ogling women, indulging sexual thoughts). But I can't let shame win. I have to share my feelings or I'll just sit with them and stew.

I started looking at porn last night after staying up really late, and carried it into this morning and was a porn zombie for the first half of the day (after some awful, tortured sleep). My fiancee is wonderful but part of me feels so alone with these thoughts of shame.

Coming on here means I give a shit, I'm noticing a bad trend in my behavior and I need to put a stop to it now and start moving in the right direction again.

I'm feeling a need for God lately. I wonder if anyone can relate with having mostly agnostic/atheist friends and feeling shy to admit you believe in God or expressing religious beliefs? I didn't grow up very religious either, and I have a hard time even with myself earnestly believing things like Jesus Christ died for my sins, and that he offers salvation for those that believe in Him and and praise His name. It's crazy think that 60 years ago, most Americans took that for granted, and now it almost seems "cringe" to believe it.

I'm rambling now. My point is, I have a cowardice to tell people how I really feel, that I don't see porn as a fun and harmless habit, that my porn use causes me great distress, that I think porn is truly evil and causes you to indulge in evil thoughts, and that I honestly seek God in heaven's help to rid me of this evil. That's all completely true, but it's so hard to say that out loud.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 1
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2.5
Current streak: 0 days
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
It's very brave of you to come on here and admit a fall, or falls, as the case may be. It does show that you care about yourself and your relationships.

It's also very brave of you and commendable to express belief in God in this particular generation. I would never wish to disparage my non-believing friends on this non-religious forum, but from believer-to-believer, God's got you, brother!

Think on His grace often, that despite our unworthiness, our sometimes downright evil, Christ still died for us, and God has forgiven us ALL sins. This grace is what undoes our shame, and in turn, undoes our addictions.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
It seems like I am still so early in recovery. I've been on here longer than a year and still can't consistently go a week without porn.

Last week, I went on vacation to Colorado with my fiancee and her sister and we had the time of our lives. Also, with the help of almost no alone time, plenty of things to keep busy with, and a little bit of willpower, I went a full week, easily, with no porn. First time in months.

This past week, getting back into my old rhythm, having excess alone time, and coming down sick, I've PMOd 6 times, including one morning relapse right after relapsing the night before, and two times today. 6 times even in two weeks should be unacceptable to me. But it's like I had to make up for all the lost time. I'm very disappointed in myself. And frustrated. I can't be hopeless, because there's no point in that. I try not to let myself think too lowly of myself but it comes really easy at times like this.

(Faint) positives: it's Saturday night, and I can start this next week clean. I wonder at the effectiveness of these milestones and imposed reset periods like the beginnings of weeks or months or years, but if I can make it work for me, great. This was my "purge" week. Not an excuse, not excusable, but it's in the past.

Also, this last time, I got tired of it before I even finished, and decided to "finish" only not to have an edge in the back of my mind nagging at me. I'm never sure what the right move is at moments like that, but I guess the answer is different for everyone. I just didn't want to be daring myself to finish what I started the rest of the night.

My internal "milestone" for when I feel human again is after I've successfully abstained for 24 hours. Maybe that seems ridiculously short to some, but after a bad day I'm sure we can all appreciate having a full clean day. Well, I want to bump that up to a week. I know I can go a full week clean, I just did last week, so that's the standard I'm holding myself to from now on.


@Phineas 808, I wanted to thank you for your words on God's grace, they have stuck with me and I'll keep them in mind.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 0
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 6
Current streak: 0 days
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I like how you realize that you can go a whole week without using, and that you're exploring that.

It's the same person where you are now alone, versus the one who went to Colorado. The only difference, besides environmental, is whatever mentalities you had then versus now. Explore that. Why should now be different? Of course you know what you tell yourself, but really, what's fundamentally different?

Today, Jonazo, you are a non-user. All you have (really) is today, so, welcome to being a non-user!
 
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