Okay, so I'm gonna try something different: I'm gonna give up porn. That sounds stupid, but I'm just acknowledging that I've only been half in this fight so far. I have made improvements, and I am very happy about that and not discounting that. But now it's time to seriously put some effort into giving up porn.
In the short term? I'm about to leave on a trip for 4 days where undoubtedly, my sleep patterns, my daily routines, my sleeping arrangements, my surroundings and environments, are all going to be way different than my normal life. Actually my sleep schedule might be better as we tend to like to get going in the morning on these trips, which is better than I can say for my own life many days. Haha. Much of the time, I will be surrounded by people and engaged in fun activities, which means I won't have much opportunity for searching up porn, and hopefully I'll be too stimulated to crave it anyway. HOWEVER, there will also be times back at the AirBNB where I will have down time, possible alone time, and I will be tired out and be craving a mental break from all the stimulation and excitement of the day. I will need to be careful, and put on my thinking cap during these moments. Check in on who's in the driver's seat.
In the long term? I need to recognize times when I am most likely triggered and treat those times like the high-alert times that they are. In these moments I need to assess myself, my mood, my energy, my motivation, and what I need. If I need a rest, or to veg out for a bit? Fine! But know how and for how long I will be in that "veg-out" state. If I need to just go to bed, then realize I really NEED to go to bed. Not stare at my phone for another half hour/two hours and then go to bed.
Equally importantly, I need to build on and continue to build good habits throughout my day. Working out. Practicing violin. Reading. I'm not asking myself a lot. I just want to put in work every day that works positively toward a better me. Eventually, I should look at larger goals, like finding a new job that's 1st-shift rather than 2nd-shift. But for now, I want to set up some good daily habits for myself and stick with them regularly.
So this isn't really a brand new thing, it's the same thing I have been saying for most of the past year. But now, it's time to give up porn. Everything I said above should help toward that goal. And I understand, there will most likely still be slip-ups in the future from time to time. But it's time to put in a serious effort. Maybe starting small and working from there is key. The teeniest tiniest goal is getting to Sunday with no more PMO incidents. But I'm setting myself a challenge right now:
Go the rest of August with no PMO.
That's a reasonable goal, I think. It has an endpoint, which is really just so my mind better understands it as an achievable goal. It doesn't mean that I open up the 'hub on September 1. But it does mean that PMO before the end of August is a fail-state of the goal. It is possible that I will fail, and I don't want that to be the end of the world for me. But that's why it's a challenge. It's hard, harder than I'm used to, but certainly attainable if I put in effort. I'm ready to give this stuff up now. It's time I up the challenge a little bit, and push myself.
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
P, no MO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
