I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

Daybyday1988

Active Member
I just don't know if I'm ready for that. I know it's helped a lot of people but I still want to believe I have all the tools I need without spending money to help myself quit. Maybe that's delusional I don't know. I'll promise I'll keep an open mind to it.
Aright man. Well worth the 15 bucks a month. Wish I knew about it sooner, I'm not trying to sound like a dick man but I want you to get better. Just don't wait another 18 months to take action. Hope youre able to recover on your own, I just know I wasn't able to
 

Daybyday1988

Active Member
All I'm saying is that if youve been trying to quit for 18 months and are slipping up to the point of not even getting to a week without PMO, isnt it time to try a new approach?

How about if we relate this to a drug addiction. If after 18 months a person is trying to quit, do we tell him he has everything he needs inside of him to do so? Or do we send him to get help from a detox clinic instead to get professional help, or send him to a new city, or the military so he isn't around the same people/behavioural patterns/substance? I would wager the latter.
 
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jonazo91

Active Member
Quick post today before bed. Not a perfectly clean day but no PMO.



PMO last week (starting Sunday): 4
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Current streak: 3 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
PMO tonight. These urges seem to have been coming a lot near the end of my work shift lately for some reason, and I can imagine the annoyance of the day builds up and makes me want an out. But really my work isn't all that stressful. It's just boring and hard for me to stay motivated at. None of that is an excuse, I'm just trying to do my due diligence of understanding the when and how and why of my going back to porn. Why am I so weak-willed at those times? I'm going to make an effort to be much more aware of the times of day and situations where I'm most vulnerable to random urges and pay attention to my state of mind and emotions.

I refuse to let this slip-up get me down. I will get to bed at a decent hour tonight and wake up at a decent hour tomorrow. And I'm going to get back on track. I need to start putting together a longer term strategy. The hardest part is always feeling like I need to be babysitting my mind. But I still feel optimistic right now. I will get back on track and pull myself together.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 4
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Today was fine, I barely had any urges. I guess I kept fairly busy and occupied. I don't know exactly what was different. The good days are just as puzzling in their own way. But I'm grateful to God for them.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 4
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
Current streak: 1 day
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Today was fine, I didn't have zero urges or bad behaviors, but I didn't get into too much trouble. My fiancee went to bed early so I stayed up got high and watched TV for a little while. This is definitely the of kind of situation where I often end up viewing porn, but I feel motivated right now to stay clean so I'm going to read for a while and go to sleep. No more internet for me tonight once I finish this post.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 4
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
Current streak: 2 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I stayed up too late tonight and I didn't exercise today, was a little lazier and more indulgent (especially with eating) than I ought to have been. But no porn. Still trying to keep tabs on all the little things though, because it's always the whole package that matters.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 4
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
Current streak: 3 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
So I just had a, whatever you want to call it.. A half-relapse. These aren't necessarily rare for me but I do try to learn from them each time so I want to journal it while it's fresh in my mind. It was during another bored/unmotivated period at work, and I found myself looking up porn on my phone. But even as I was looking at it I wasn't really feeling it. I'd love to say my will and my strong moral core steered me away from it, but it was really just not doing much for me. Still, I decided (as I have often before) to just "finish" quickly so it would be out of my mind. So I started to masturbate. But even still I didn't really care to even look at what I was looking at. So I just stopped.

I think a lot of times, I come up with all these reasons to finish once I've started, even after the regret has already set in, like "well, I'm already going to feel like shit later, might as well have my fun now" or "it'll be better for me to go all the way now so I'm not obsessing over it the rest of the day." But none of that seemed to appeal to me this time. It does happen, I've noticed, that even after a short break from porn, it seems weird and unappealing to look at once I look at it again. But usually the addict brain takes over. So yes, I am happy with myself that I stopped, but previous experience tells me that I will be extra susceptible to relapses over the next few days. Lots of times it goes, "half relapse" one day, then a feeling of triumph and a letting down of my guard. So I'm going to try and get ahead of that this time. I am glad I didn't go all the way today certainly, but it's reason to be a lot more vigilant over the next few days.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Last night I got too tired to post her before bed but it was overall a pretty good day. Spent some time with extended family and then came home and relaxed. Too busy for any porn urges to creep in.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 1
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Current streak: 1 day
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Did okay today, was able to relax a bit and watch TV while still also getting some things done and getting my exercise in. No strong urges and in fact I did my best to stay off my phone in general as much as possible. Just wish I could stick to that as well every day.



PMO last week (starting Sunday): 1
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Current streak: 2 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I missed my posting last night because I was busy relapsing. I had 2 PMOs yesterday, one soon after I woke up, and again late at night, that turned out to be an extended binge. Why? That's the big question. It wasn't a particularly stressful day. I just can't seem to get a rhythm going. Last night, I pulled up porn on my phone (again, why?) but then went to bed and had plenty of time to think about the why, before getting out of bed and finishing my session. Why? I just felt I needed to finish. I wasn't happy about it, I wasn't excited or titillated. I just felt it needed to happen.

Quitting porn seems like it should be so simple. Just don't do one specific thing. If you feel like doing it, just remember that you want to stop doing it. And then don't. Do anything else instead.

I need to stop making excuses for myself. There's something I'm afraid of that's stopping me, and I need to face it directly and move on. I think it's really time to talk with my fiancee about this. I don't know how to broach the subject, but I do know she'll be supportive and understanding once we do talk about it. I just don't want to put the burden of my recovery on her. I don't want her to have to think about my perversions and my weaknesses. But there's the fear in it. The power of shame. I'm scared to have to tell her if I look at porn again, and what kinds of follow up questions she might have. I'm scared in the first place of the whole "sitting her down for a serious conversation" where her mind will be racing toward worst case scenarios. But the fear and shame are trapping me right now and I want to be free. I just don't know how to bring it up.

In the short term, I'm focusing today on being productive and active today, and getting myself in a better head state. I feel.. Okay, mood-wise, right now, surprisingly. Disappointed with myself but still in the fight. I'm not giving up, in any case. My somewhat longer term goal is to work up the nerve to talk about this with my fiancee, and figure out a good time and way to bring it up. And other than that, to finish out this week strong and focus on making February a better month than January.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 1
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Hi I did mostly okay today. My fiancee showed me a Tiktok video today and it was the kind of video that at some times could be a trigger, but it didn't bother me too much today. I really don't want to be the kind of person who can't handle seeing occasional sexualized content from time to time, because like it or not, I'm surrounded by it. It's all about how I respond to it. And being surrounded by it is no excuse to seek it out for my own pleasure. But it is an interesting challenge. Anyhow. I'm looking to close this week out stronger than I started it and put together a great February. I have lots to look forward to and all of it will be brighter when it's not tainted by porn.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 1
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 1 day
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Awful day, worst day I've had in a while in terms of my recovery. It went completely out the window as I binged for the better part of the day. I feel numb now, which is about how I expected I'd feel. Now I have to pick up the pieces and think seriously about what I'm going to change to actually get some real change in my life. This can't go on. I don't have all the time in the world, I can't keep doing this. I don't know why in the world I'm so afraid of change. I guess just because it involves discomfort, emotional discomfort and brutal honesty with myself. I don't want to be this way forever.



PMO last week (starting Sunday): 1
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 4
Current streak: 0 days
 
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