I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.
- Thread starter jonazo91
- Start date
jonazo91
Active Member
Been a few days and one of my worst habits is being less consistent about posting my progress when I actually have been abstaining. I've decided to give up porn, weed and video games for Lent this year. Of course I don't plan to pick up porn again after the 40 days. But the challenge of doing a fast for Lent is giving me some extra motivation. At least for now. I feel okay.
I should also note something about my sexual situation. My fiancee has been in the mood more often lately, which is great! And we generally do okay. I have some anxieties about how I perform but it's nothing that has destroyed our sex life. I do worry in the back of my head if sex will get in the way of a true reboot with no O. Like, will it throw me off my game, or put me in a more sexual mood which will make it harder for me to sustain longer periods without release. But I'm erring on the side of, what's healthy for my relationship will also be healthy for me. Sex isn't my problem, porn is. But these are things on my mind so I ought to at least express them.
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 3 days
I should also note something about my sexual situation. My fiancee has been in the mood more often lately, which is great! And we generally do okay. I have some anxieties about how I perform but it's nothing that has destroyed our sex life. I do worry in the back of my head if sex will get in the way of a true reboot with no O. Like, will it throw me off my game, or put me in a more sexual mood which will make it harder for me to sustain longer periods without release. But I'm erring on the side of, what's healthy for my relationship will also be healthy for me. Sex isn't my problem, porn is. But these are things on my mind so I ought to at least express them.
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 3 days
jonazo91
Active Member
I downloaded an app called Brainbuddy that's supposed to help with fighting porn addiction (first I did look for Covenant eyes but it seems like it might not work for my phone). I hope it'll help out a little. It seems to have daily check ins and other motivational tools so I'm excited to try it out. I really want to see these 40 days through. I haven't gone that long, hell, in years. Maybe not since I've started watching porn. That sounds crazy! But it's possibly true. But it doesn't seem so impossible if I just take it a day at a time and take life as it comes. It's a challenge and for now, I'm feeling the fun in the challenge. Now, knowing myself, I know I can't rely on that for the whole time. But I'm not scared. I'm hopeful. Even as I write this I can feel some anxiety of setting myself up too much. But that's where taking it one day at a time comes in. Right now, all I have to do is walk the dog and go to bed. That's easy enough.
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 4 days
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 4 days
jonazo91
Active Member
Had a talk with my fiancee tonight about my struggles with porn. She took it really well and had some good questions to ask. Now the question is how do I keep that line of communication open with her, without bogging her down in the dirty details. I want to keep her in the loop, and be receptive of the support she's offering, without forcing her to become my "sponsor." But I'm very very glad I talked about it with her and it was a healthy discussion. Feeling more hopeful all the time. I'm trying to let good feelings and good energy compound upon themselves and reap the rewards, while keeping in mind that there will be tough times during which it will be necessary to stay vigilant. Talking to her was a good step. I want to thank those of you who pushed me a little into taking some real world responsibility. I feel like the real fight starts now but I'm excited to get into it. But maybe "fight" is the wrong word. The real life starts now. A life of honesty and accountability, and also of flourishing and thriving. And of facing challenges head on without running from them.
It's funny, there's part of my brain that still imagines a porn free life as one with a little less excitement, as if titillation/artificial dopamine rush = excitement. But everyone here knows that's a load of bull. There's nothing more boring than porn. It's always the same and it gets you staring at your phone in a dull trance state, all variations of the same images you've stared at a million times. Anything else you fill that time up with is more exciting. A conversation with a friend or loved one could go anywhere and you can learn new things about each other. Any book you read is a new experience, offering new insights and adventures and worldviews you'd never considered before. Exercising or working on a hobby increases your fitness or skill and unlocks new levels of ability you probably didn't imagine you had in you. All of that is so much more exciting! It's just slower.
Anyway, this is all well and good and I really do feel happy with how I've been approaching my porn addiction lately, but I do want to take a step back and remind myself it's still one day at a time. Some days will be easier than others. The past few days have felt relatively easy and that always puts me in a good mood. But I'll have to stay strong through the bad moods and the boredom too, which will inevitably come. So, this is the end of another day, overall a pretty good day.
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Current streak: 6 days
It's funny, there's part of my brain that still imagines a porn free life as one with a little less excitement, as if titillation/artificial dopamine rush = excitement. But everyone here knows that's a load of bull. There's nothing more boring than porn. It's always the same and it gets you staring at your phone in a dull trance state, all variations of the same images you've stared at a million times. Anything else you fill that time up with is more exciting. A conversation with a friend or loved one could go anywhere and you can learn new things about each other. Any book you read is a new experience, offering new insights and adventures and worldviews you'd never considered before. Exercising or working on a hobby increases your fitness or skill and unlocks new levels of ability you probably didn't imagine you had in you. All of that is so much more exciting! It's just slower.
Anyway, this is all well and good and I really do feel happy with how I've been approaching my porn addiction lately, but I do want to take a step back and remind myself it's still one day at a time. Some days will be easier than others. The past few days have felt relatively easy and that always puts me in a good mood. But I'll have to stay strong through the bad moods and the boredom too, which will inevitably come. So, this is the end of another day, overall a pretty good day.
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Current streak: 6 days
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I really believe you've done a good thing. Sometimes the fear of how they are going to react is what keeps us from doing it. I don't know, maybe you don't have to tell her all the details or tell her every time you relapse, only maybe if she asks how it's going or if she sees some mood changes etc. It probably depends how she wants this, I guess.
That's true, there is nothing like porn. The euphoria that porn creates is it's own thing and it's understandable why someone who is in the middle of it would worry about life not being excited anymore after porn but it's not true. After the brain reboot, the dopamine will become sensitive again for the joy in the normal things, it's just that so much dopamine abuse with porn has affected this thing. And this goes for any addiction. With time, only the drug of choice can become the only thing that makes you feel something and everything else will not make you excited at all. But it can be reverse by quitting, we know the brain is plastic.
Anyway, man, I can't imagine how difficult it could be to gather the courage and open up about this struggle, that's why I admire what you did. Think about it, I didn't have the balls to tell my parents about my problems until I was drunk as fuck, I didn't give them the details sober. You've done a tougher and braver thing, that's why admire this.
jonazo91
Active Member
Yesterday I had a little bit of a wrench thrown into my usual Monday plans, leaving me with no real structure to my day. I did get some laundry done but otherwise fell short of what I'd hoped to accomplish in the day. I didn't read or exercise. Then at night, I got into a minor spat with my fiancee which threw me into a weird mood. So with all these things, and some tiredness also, I stayed up late after my fiancee went to bed for no good reason. I started to peek at porn but closed it out and instead took the dog out and went to bed. Then this morning, I fell back into a pattern of searching for triggers on and off, ultimately culminating in looking at some porn and masturbating briefly just about a half hour ago. I was able to pull myself back from the edge and stop myself before O, and as of now I feel like the worst is behind me.
Here's what I think contributed to my setback:
- a compulsion to self-sabotage after having done something positive in talking with my fiancee and putting together the first week-long streak I've had in a while
-Some family-related stress that's been going on for a while
-tiredness
-a drop in mood after a stretch of days in a very positive mood
What got me able to stop when I did was:
-feeling that I didn't want to do any more damage to the progress I've made over the past week
-the thought that I would have to come clean about it to my fiancee after having just opened up to her about my struggles with porn
Now, I feel okay I guess. I'm glad I didn't take it all the way. And if, in a week, I've gone another 7 days porn free, this will still easily have been the best 2 weeks I've had in a year, at least. And this first week wasn't flawless either, there were moments where I slipped up and looked at material I shouldn't have. But over all, I feel like I'm still on a good trajectory and can stay on a good trajectory if I keep up with what has been working and stay mindful of my moods.
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Current streak: 0 days
Here's what I think contributed to my setback:
- a compulsion to self-sabotage after having done something positive in talking with my fiancee and putting together the first week-long streak I've had in a while
-Some family-related stress that's been going on for a while
-tiredness
-a drop in mood after a stretch of days in a very positive mood
What got me able to stop when I did was:
-feeling that I didn't want to do any more damage to the progress I've made over the past week
-the thought that I would have to come clean about it to my fiancee after having just opened up to her about my struggles with porn
Now, I feel okay I guess. I'm glad I didn't take it all the way. And if, in a week, I've gone another 7 days porn free, this will still easily have been the best 2 weeks I've had in a year, at least. And this first week wasn't flawless either, there were moments where I slipped up and looked at material I shouldn't have. But over all, I feel like I'm still on a good trajectory and can stay on a good trajectory if I keep up with what has been working and stay mindful of my moods.
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Current streak: 0 days
jonazo91
Active Member
Today I couldn't get it up with my fiancee, or more specifically, I had it up but it collapsed when I needed it most. A lot of potential factors. Guilt for slipping up yesterday and looking at porn. Anxiety over the fact I've put my problem out there and knowing she's aware of my sexual double life. And part of me is wondering if this is PIED finally catching up to me, or the beginning of a flatline, or somehow both.
For now, I'm just trying to not over analyze it or freak out about it too much. These things do happen, and she took it in stride and didn't make me feel bad about it. I had performance anxiety. If it is the beginning of a flatline, even then I see a silver lining in that until now I hadn't even abstained long enough for a flatline to start, so maybe this is the necessary next step in my recovery. I don't know. But I did abstain from porn today (okay, I accidentally happened upon some soft material and lingered a little longer than I ought to have, but other than that a clean day) and despite the sexual embarrassment I will take any porn-free day as a win. I just hope this doesn't become a recurring thing.
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Current streak: 1 day
For now, I'm just trying to not over analyze it or freak out about it too much. These things do happen, and she took it in stride and didn't make me feel bad about it. I had performance anxiety. If it is the beginning of a flatline, even then I see a silver lining in that until now I hadn't even abstained long enough for a flatline to start, so maybe this is the necessary next step in my recovery. I don't know. But I did abstain from porn today (okay, I accidentally happened upon some soft material and lingered a little longer than I ought to have, but other than that a clean day) and despite the sexual embarrassment I will take any porn-free day as a win. I just hope this doesn't become a recurring thing.
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Current streak: 1 day
jonazo91
Active Member
Checking in today, had a more or less smooth day, although got some rough family news. Just monitoring my stress levels as best I can. So far, no strong urges have surfaced from the stress, so that's good.
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Current streak: 2 days
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 2
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Current streak: 2 days
jonazo91
Active Member
Unfortunately I had a setback later Friday morning after my last post, and then again, twice, this morning and afternoon. I'm dealing with a little bit of heightened personal stress lately, but I don't accept that as an excuse. But I am trying to stay level headed about it. I know I have it in me to do a lot better than this so I just need to get back on track. My plan for now is to finish out today strong and work on getting back to my goals.
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 1
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 0 days
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 1
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 0 days
TakeActionNow
Respected Member
These are push factors, generally penalties if failed, and motivated by fear.
You need to have more pull factors, where things that are pleasurable when completed.
I instilled a reward system for myself:
Everytime I managed to navigate out of a craving situation, or did what I was supposed to, I recognize my achievement AND reward myself, healthily.
This became a generalized approach towards my life and made it attractive. A bit like in kindergarten where we :
1. Are given a star when we did well and
2. Proudly show off our star back home to proud parents.
The reward can be as simple as a delicious meal.
It can be thinking about how well I have done. It can be as simple as feeling proud when I meet my loved ones and feeling good about myself.
I radiate because I am happy with myself and my achievements.
We are too often motivated by negative reasons. This is not helpful. Train yourself to motivate with positive reasons and outcomes. It will be much more easier and happier.
You've got this!
TakeActionNow
Respected Member
Cravings are 2 step
1. Precursors
2. Actually cravings
1. Precursors.
Know your precursors and limit them.
Stress or imagery and wayword thoughts are usual. Sleep, reduce stress and limited screen time usually help.
2. Actual cravings
Open doors and windows
Go outside
Sit near people
Do something extreme like HIIT or intervals
Do something consuming like cooking or mopping the floor which you must attend to continuously.
Call a friend
Journal
All sensations when given enough time will come to pass. You must allow yourself the opportunity to experience this. And when you do, reinforce positively by rewarding with a healthy reward like a warm bath or a good meal. Make this a new habit.
Have you tried mindfulness training? The practice of "noting" what thoughts have come into your mind, not fighting them, and just gently redirecting your thought to what you are doing, or to your breathing, has been extremely helpful for me. It's not something you master in a day but after doing mindfulness training every morning for 2 months, my ability to just notice a craving and move on has greatly improved. And this from someone who used to have a very negative (immature) view on mindfulness/meditation. I happen to use and be happy with the Headspace app but there are many good ones out there.
jonazo91
Active Member
I really do appreciate all the ideas you've all shared and I'm going to take them to heart and try and put them in action. @logicprox I've tried mindfulness and meditation here and there but not usually with much consistency, but I will give it another shot for sure. And @TakeActionNow I will definitely keep in mind using more pull factors as motivators from now on. I still really feel like there's a lot of upside possible in my life if I go ahead and take it. I'm still in my early 30s and getting ready to marry a beautiful woman who loves me dearly. I want to be the best man I can be for her and hopefully raise children with her too. Those are the BIG pull factors, but maybe in a way the bigness of them makes them daunting and make me want to run from the responsibility of living up to all that. So I'll try smaller pull factors. Something I can treat myself with when I've successfully managed an urge. Thank you all for your helpful thoughts and advice.
I had an okay day today, another somewhat aimless Monday (I have Mondays off) where it was hard for me to get motivation to achieve anything productive. I felt myself getting bored and a little restless in the house so I went out just to drive a little bit and ended up doing some grocery shopping as well. I wish I lived closer to some open road, but just getting out of the house to drive (even though it ended up being city driving) helped to break up the monotony a little bit. I don't know if I would have resorted to PMO otherwise, but my mood was sour before and improved afterwards so I'm happy I took some sort of action to address my mood.
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 1
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 1 day
I had an okay day today, another somewhat aimless Monday (I have Mondays off) where it was hard for me to get motivation to achieve anything productive. I felt myself getting bored and a little restless in the house so I went out just to drive a little bit and ended up doing some grocery shopping as well. I wish I lived closer to some open road, but just getting out of the house to drive (even though it ended up being city driving) helped to break up the monotony a little bit. I don't know if I would have resorted to PMO otherwise, but my mood was sour before and improved afterwards so I'm happy I took some sort of action to address my mood.
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 1
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 1 day
jonazo91
Active Member
My grandma died earlier tonight. It wasn't out of the blue, we have been preparing for it lately. For some reason, I don't often cry or outwardly show emotion when loved ones die, which always makes me feel a little weird like I'm not feeling it enough. I loved her though and always will. I was able to visit her every week for the past few months and I'll always cherish that time we got to spend together. Last thing I'm thinking about right now is porn, but I know it can be tempting to escape the heaviness of grief sometimes so I'm still checking my mood.
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 1
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 2 days
PMO last week (starting Sunday): 1
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 2 days