I had just about a week clean until last Wednesday night. Then it was on-and-off again peeking at material yesterday. Had another ED issue with the lady yesterday. I think at this point it's a mix of PIED and anxiety over the fact that it's happened the last few times. I PMOed today because I felt down in the dumps about that experience yesterday, and like I had unresolved sexual tension.
Okay. Well, the stakes are clear. Often, I've wondered if I'd need to hit some sort of "rock-bottom" in order to truly change. Well, waiting for it is stupid. But I am at a place right now where the only way for me to regain a healthy sexual life (and relationship overall) with my fiancee is to quit the porn now. I've been wanting to for a long time. But the stakes are clear now. What changes now, compared with the last times? I don't know, maybe that's the wrong way to look at it. I'm not going to become a different person magically overnight. But I do need to start teaching myself how to move away from porn. How to exit, remove from my life, walk away from porn. There is urgency, but I don't want to invite fear or panic. For now, my fiancee has been plenty understanding and supportive about all of this, but there does need to be a change. I feel bad for her because she's in a similar boat as me. Who can you confide in that your fiance can't get it up and is addicted to porn? We are planning our wedding. There are many joyous parts about our life as we're planning this big celebration of our relationship and our love. But this is threatening to be a big dark cloud over it all. But it doesn't need to be. I can leave it behind.
I do still have optimism. Yes, I did PMO today and generally that's not a good sign of being in a good place. But there's only one way out, and although it will be challenging, it's a way toward greater happiness and fulfillment in so many areas of my life. I look to that, and I get excited. Even when it seems a million miles away.
PMO last week: 2
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days