I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

jonazo91

Active Member
I've had a lot of those dreams. I would wake up right after them and it would take me like 2 minutes to realize I hadn't relapsed and it was just a dream. That's how powerful and vivid they could be. Sometimes I would wake up right after with massive urges because, you know, when you dream something, the way you feel in the dream is actually the way you feel for real. If the dream is something scary, you will be scared too. if the dream is porn, you get turned on. It's very annoying, that's how easy it is to relapse.
I did have about a minute or so of thoughts after the dream like "man, that does sound good right about now," but I was able to wake up enough and realize what a gift it was that I hadn't actually relapsed.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Day 4

Doing pretty good so far. My girlfriend's sister is coming to stay with us soon, which I think will be a good extra deterrent for the next few days (fewer "private" places in the apartment). I'm trying to be vigilant for urges and triggers, but I've had a lucky string of days, which I'm thankful for.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Day 5

Girlfriend's sister is in town as of today, staying at our place. I was pretty irritable today around my girlfriend, but I think it was just because for some reason I stayed up till 5:30 this morning and didn't get much sleep.

We also did have sex today, which I actually had to kind of "will myself" into. Either that was because I was do tired, or because I'm already entering a mini flatline. I don't think I've had any morning wood or any strong sexual urges of late. But the sex was pretty good.

I'll check in again tomorrow. I'm feeling good about this reboot and I can't thank this community enough.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Day 8

Had a couple slight urges today, but was able to ride them out. Still nothing very extreme though. I've noticed a couple more random erections than I'm used to normally. Hah.

I just want to shake the feeling that I'm counting the days till another relapse. I want to get to the point where I have days where I'm super motivated, and days where I'm less motivated, but both of those days are porn-free. Right now though, still feeling good and still feeling better all the time about walking away from porn. Goodbye porn! Soon you'll be a month in my past, and then two months, and then a half a year, and so on. Every day is a step in that direction and it's so exciting.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Day 9

We are cooking with gas folks! I've noticed a few of the slightest urges/itches, but have been responding to them by just keeping moving on with whatever I had been doing. It makes them feel not like urges at all but stray thoughts, which in a way is all they are. I don't HAVE to give into them, they'll go away on their own eventually. I'm sure eventually a stronger urge will come, but hopefully I can remember that all it takes is just to weather it out and keep moving forward and I'll be fine.

Day 9! hell yeah.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Day 10

Uh oh. Had some urges last night in bed, but I was successfully able to convince myself to just go to sleep without picking up my phone again.

Woke up out of dreams that I had relapsed. I don't even remember the dream, or what happened in it, only a vague sense of shame that I had already relapsed, and it took me a while to realize/convince myself that I hadn't already. Nonetheless it put me in the mood, and I started engaging in risky internet activity, and was very very close to experiencing a setback (I'm still trying to shy away from using the word "relapse" as per the advice of the YBOP website). I was just trolling through YouTube and Twitter, waiting SEEKING to find a trigger. Somehow I stopped myself but even after I stopped myself I could feel part of myself wanting to continue. "What's the big deal? It'll be fun!" I did view some "yellow-light" material (no nudity) on purpose.

My resolve feels weak but for now I've been able to pull myself back. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm not missing out on anything, that it won't be "fun," that real fun is regaining your life and your natural joy in other, truly fulfilling activities.

Close call! Check in later.
 
Day 10

Uh oh. Had some urges last night in bed, but I was successfully able to convince myself to just go to sleep without picking up my phone again.

Woke up out of dreams that I had relapsed. I don't even remember the dream, or what happened in it, only a vague sense of shame that I had already relapsed, and it took me a while to realize/convince myself that I hadn't already. Nonetheless it put me in the mood, and I started engaging in risky internet activity, and was very very close to experiencing a setback (I'm still trying to shy away from using the word "relapse" as per the advice of the YBOP website). I was just trolling through YouTube and Twitter, waiting SEEKING to find a trigger. Somehow I stopped myself but even after I stopped myself I could feel part of myself wanting to continue. "What's the big deal? It'll be fun!" I did view some "yellow-light" material (no nudity) on purpose.

My resolve feels weak but for now I've been able to pull myself back. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm not missing out on anything, that it won't be "fun," that real fun is regaining your life and your natural joy in other, truly fulfilling activities.

Close call! Check in later.
This may not be applicable to your situation due to any number of reasons, but what has worked for me is having my phone out of reach while I sleep. It has multiple benefits for me. I know as soon as I am in bed it's bedtime, not screen time. Secondly because my phone is also my alarm clock, I have to get out of bed to walk to my phone in the morning to turn my alarm off. Unless I have had a particularly bad night of sleep I am up and don't press snooze. I also turn my phone off to eliminate that distraction first thing in the morning.

My computers have never and will never be used to view P. My phone is my only source so I know I need to limit my usage on it. For times that an urge is unexpected and strong, I try to immediately remove my phone from my reach. That may even involve tossing it out the door of my room sometimes. A few times my wife has asked me why my phone is on the living room floor 😂😅
 

jonazo91

Active Member
This may not be applicable to your situation due to any number of reasons, but what has worked for me is having my phone out of reach while I sleep. It has multiple benefits for me. I know as soon as I am in bed it's bedtime, not screen time. Secondly because my phone is also my alarm clock, I have to get out of bed to walk to my phone in the morning to turn my alarm off. Unless I have had a particularly bad night of sleep I am up and don't press snooze. I also turn my phone off to eliminate that distraction first thing in the morning.

My computers have never and will never be used to view P. My phone is my only source so I know I need to limit my usage on it. For times that an urge is unexpected and strong, I try to immediately remove my phone from my reach. That may even involve tossing it out the door of my room sometimes. A few times my wife has asked me why my phone is on the living room floor 😂😅
I've heard that advice before, just for the sake of getting better sleep and not snoozing your alarm so much, so I really ought to try it. I'm gonna try it tonight.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Man I am skating on thin ice today. Have purposely looked up stuff as if on a "dare" to run into something triggering, multiple times today. Sometimes it's harder to remember why I'm doing this than others. I've been trying to just keep busy with work.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Day 0

And there it goes.

Focusing on the positive, 10 full days is pretty good for me, and it gives me hope that I can beat this if I keep trying. I absolutely don't want to get bogged down in shame, so I'm just going to keep moving and start over. I don't just want another "streak" though. I want to be done.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Had another relapse tonight. Man, how do people quit this? I feel powerless. Right now, minutes off of my latest setback, I feel like a weakling and someone who is trapped in a prison cell with the key in my hand, but my damn addiction just keeping me in the room forever. How do I walk away from that room and never look back?

I do believe in God. Strangely, something about the hopelessness of how I feel makes me feel there must be a God who can help me, because I don't feel strong enough on my own. All I ask of God, every time, is to help me be strong. It's such a stupid thing to be trapped in. It's the stupidest thing. I want to just walk away. Lord, give me strength.

I am starting over. I was doing better, and I'm still coming back to this community as a show that I have not given up. I can do this. It just feels so shitty to be at rock bottom.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Had another relapse tonight. Man, how do people quit this? I feel powerless. Right now, minutes off of my latest setback, I feel like a weakling and someone who is trapped in a prison cell with the key in my hand, but my damn addiction just keeping me in the room forever. How do I walk away from that room and never look back?

I do believe in God. Strangely, something about the hopelessness of how I feel makes me feel there must be a God who can help me, because I don't feel strong enough on my own. All I ask of God, every time, is to help me be strong. It's such a stupid thing to be trapped in. It's the stupidest thing. I want to just walk away. Lord, give me strength.

I am starting over. I was doing better, and I'm still coming back to this community as a show that I have not given up. I can do this. It just feels so shitty to be at rock bottom.
I feel you, man. I want the answer to that question too. The answer that people may want to provide could include the same things that I've read about intensely but I always feel like I'm missing something in all this, the last piece, and then I fail. It's probably what's going on in my head. And my mind has never been an easy mind to control.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Man, how do people quit this?

Hey, jonazo. The same way we got ourselves into this is the same way we get out, one decision after the other, like backing our way out of a long hallway we walked into seeking pleasure.

But it's not about fighting the urges, or even avoiding 'triggers' (without seeking them, setting ourselves up for failure).

It's about dismissing the urges, mindfully, nonjudgmentally.

Urges always follow a bell-curve, they rise and fall. It feels like they'll keep going, and even kill us if we don't give in, but they do eventually subside. Our only job is to acknowledge that the urges are there, and don't respond (for or against). 'Nonjudgmental' means that we just observe the urges, ourselves including our behavior, even our failure, like we're watching someone else on T.V.

We 'ground' ourselves by simply breathing slowly and deeply until the urges pass. Heck, I even check my own pulse to test that. But, you can outlast any urge- and if another one comes, rinse-and-repeat.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Day 1

Almost 2? I'm about a half hour away from 48 hours. I've been looking into videos and stuff by Brittni de la Mora, a former porn star who found Jesus and started her life over, and she's a married pastor now. I can't say I have the same level of faith she has, yet, but the way she was able to start her life over in such a positive way after going through addictions and all kinds of rock bottoms I could never imagine is inspiring to me. Also, she seems to have a really positive, shame-free attitude toward walking away from porn. I think how much just watching it has affected me, but imagine being mired in the whole sordid lifestyle and being able to find your way out of it and change your life around. That's inspiring.
 
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