I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

[jonazo91]

I PMOed again last night. I guess the triggers were mostly boredom and tiredness. Also it’s been the beginning of a habit for me that when my wife takes a nap before bedtime, and I go to wash the dishes and prepare the coffee for the next morning, often I end up looking at porn as well. So okay, now I know a common trigger and set of circumstances I need to take note of and be more responsible with.

I guess I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know if I’m making progress or not, or what I’m missing. I guess what I’m missing is the will to change. Maybe it will be that one day I will realize I have no other option than to join a 12-step group. What is stopping me now? Only the desire to keep watching? Or laziness? Or are those basically the same? I think a big hangup for me is that I don’t want to shape my whole life around trying to quit porn. That’s what it feels like sometimes, to have to constantly be thinking about porn one way or another. Part of me envies my younger self, who consumed porn without a second thought and didn’t think it was a problem. I know that will never be the case again, and I wouldn’t want it to be. That’s not an acceptable outcome for me. But I am tired of obsessing over it.

I have a big test coming up, as my wife will be leaving town for 11 days, leaving me home alone for that whole time. There are many ways this time could go. Historically, when my wife has left me home alone, I quickly devolve into watching porn way more often than I usually would. This time, I’m just really trying not to predict the future. I don’t want to say, “well it’s likely I’ll watch porn at least a few times so I should set reasonable expectations” because that’s just giving myself a built in green light to engage in bad behavior. But I also don’t want to build it up in my head too much. I guess it’s the same, I just need to treat every day and every moment as its own moment in the present. So that’s where I am.

I’m wondering if these latest posts sound like me “giving up” or anything like that. Or maybe that’s just part of my own brain worrying if I’m giving up. If it is, I don’t know what to say. I’m just trying a new approach of not giving so much drama to the event of relapsing or not relapsing. For instance, if I had one day where I exercised, socialized with friends, spent quality time with my wife and loved ones, spent some time on hobbies, and then I watched porn, even though I have to examine what led to that and why I did it, I should still count it as a better day than if I was lazy, inactive, did nothing but watch tv, play video games and get high, but managed not to watch porn that day. I don’t know if this is the right approach. Maybe it seems like I’m ignoring the elephant in the room. But I’m just trying it out.

 

[Jinx2109]

I think a big hangup for me is that I don’t want to shape my whole life around trying to quit porn. That’s what it feels like sometimes, to have to constantly be thinking about porn one way or another.

Could be helpful! It was helpful for me, when I realized P was actually stealing my life away from me. When I could do literally anything else, any hobby, play video games like you said, hang with friends. Each of those moments we choose to live in and be present we choose to actually live or to let P waste it. It can be scary to fully live your life, especially compared to the addictive comfort of relapse. That thought that you may not actually have the desire to quit is accurate, but it's just the addiction talking. Otherwise you wouldn't be here at all. You have a whole life crying out for your attention and its so very worth it to indulge in that life. Though I think it may be helpful to focus more on that and leave behind the relapse/sobriety cycle obsession, it's probably also very practical to answer the question; "how will I set myself up for success while my wife is gone? What plans(personal or social) can I make right now?" I know it may not feel like it sometimes but you are doing the hard work, Jonazo. Keep trying!

 

[jonazo91]

That’s a good point, there’s no need to leave my porn sobriety up to pure chance, just because I don’t want to “obsess” over it. I will take some time to set some positive goals and activities for while she’s out. It’s a good opportunity to set up some routines and habits for myself. I have a tendency to get lazy and blame it on “spending time with my wife.” Not that spending time is bad per se, even downtime like watching TV. But she has taken up crocheting while we watch TV, so that’s been a way to practice a hobby while also relaxing. I have to look into ways to do stuff like that too, rather than waste so many hours of the day.

I think this is what I was getting at: if I look forward to the future with some hope and executive decision-making, rather than just fear of relapse, I’m setting myself up for a better time. I’d be dreading this time (and to be fair, I will be lonely and miss her) instead of viewing the positive and using it as a chance to better myself.

 

[Phineas 808]

Hi, Jonazo. If it can be of any help, here is something I composed for when my own wife goes out of town:

Overnighter Action Plan

I know that your action plan will look different than mine, and that's okay. But, I suggest posting it to help hold yourself accountable.

There's a sweet sense of victory when you can spend this time for self-improvement instead of self-indulgence. But either way, always be merciful to yourself, nonjudgmental, and you'll make the best progress.

 

[Jinx2109]

I have a tendency to get lazy and blame it on “spending time with my wife.”

my boyfriend and I really relate to this too, lol. We try to switch off sitting with our baby and doing exercises, or a hobby etc. while watching TV now.

 

[jonazo91]

Thanks for everyone’s support! @Phineas 808 Thanks for that post, I will definitely look it over and keep it in mind as it applies to me.

While my wife is out, I want to:

-exercise at least once every three days, ideally every other day.
-read at home for about an hour every day
-get out of the house to spend time with friends
-visit my mom and dad a few times(they live really close)
-go out to see a few movies. I sometimes like to seek out the artsy, “le cinema” kind of movies but I don’t always want to drag anyone else to some silent French film or whatever so I’m taking this opportunity to watch some movies on my own.

 

[jonazo91]

I got about 2 hours after my wife left today before I turned to porn. I could tell, I didn’t even really want to. I wasn’t in the mood to. But I got in my head about it and found justifications for it. It wasn’t really pleasant. Only a few minutes after I was finished, my wife called me from the airport (her flight hadn’t even taken off yet), and what you mention @Phineas 808 in your post, about trying to modify your voice so the guilt isn’t audible, yeah I felt that.

After, I tried to have my revenge by making the rest of my day as productive and positive as possible. I worked out, did some more work, and now I’m trying to get to bed at a decent hour where usually I’d be tempted to stay up way too late, especially since I don’t start work until 11am tomorrow. Unfortunately I’m already an hour past my goal bedtime. But this is the last thing I’m doing (besides a goodnight call with the wife) before I go to sleep. I’m disappointed with myself. Mostly because I have this endless bag of excuses and reasons why this time it’s okay for me to watch porn. But I don’t believe that. Now that it’s over and done with, I’m trying my best not to dwell on it and instead focus on where my mind is at right now. I’m still hoping to use these days to put some structure into my life, rather than let all structure fall out of it. But I’m not perfect. I will fuck up some things. But I just have to keep going.

Adding a few things to my goals list from above:
-I got a ukulele for Christmas. I’ve plucked around on it a little bit, but I’d like to make it a daily habit to pick it up and prescribe it, at least a little bit.
-get my violin fixed. It’s in an unplayable state right now. Eventually get back into a practice habit with it as well. The ukulele is much easier to pick up and mess around with, and much more forgiving an instrument, so I can allow myself that as a good substitute for now to keep my musical sense going. But I want to get back on that violin.

 

[jonazo91]

Still watchin porn. Last night, had some friends over, we hung out like old times, had a few drinks and smoked a little weed but didn't go crazy out of control. They left around 11. I walked the dog and then at about 12:30 I decided to watch a 2 and a half hour movie before going to sleep. I had a fun time. I should've just gone to bed. Instead I started looking up borderline/p-sub material on youtube and then immediately got the bug to watch porn, bad. I got a STRONG case of the shakes. It's crazy how that happens. I gave in, and ended up staying up til almost a quarter to 5 AM watching porn. The stupid thing is, after the initial thrill of going back to my vice, I was so bored with it. Once routine kicked in, I couldn't even muster interest in what I was watching. It's really crazy how much more powerful the WANT to do it is, than the actual act of doing it. The act of doing it is dull.

Before finally crawling into bed I literally prayed to God to forgive me and help me keep fighting this. I'm bummed that I pulled nearly an all-nighter to look at porn (well, the movie kept me up till 3). I want to get under control. I have been trying to keep up some level of responsibility in my wife's absence. In the past, I've been liable to completely devolve when left on my own, leaving messes around the house, regularly staying up all night and sleeping in every day, eating bad, drinking and smoking too much weed. It hasn't completely spiraled out of control yet, but last night was a step in the wrong direction. Okay, it was a Friday night. I wanted to kick back and enjoy my weekend a little. If I'd left it at the movie keeping me up till 3 and then gone to bed, I wouldn't have a problem with it. But then I needed more, more pleasure, more acting out.

I have to get back on track.

 

[Phineas 808]

I had a fun time. I should've just gone to bed. Instead I started looking up borderline/p-sub material on youtube and then immediately got the bug to watch porn, bad. I got a STRONG case of the shakes. It's crazy how that happens. I gave in, and ended up staying up til almost a quarter to 5 AM watching porn

I've known this place all too well, all to often.

What you described, too, as the anticipation to watch p is more exciting than the actual doing of it..., this is due to at least two factors:

1. Dopamine itself is anticipatory in nature, meaning that, it's a little injection of excitement to spur us on toward (presumably) healthy behavior, to look forward to something...

2. The dopamine receptors are fried to some degree, given past p-use. This will heal, but for now, the brain probably wants escalation in order to get the same high that used to make p-watching exciting or enjoyable.

Dismissing the urges, repeatedly and consistently, will deaden those neural pathways and your brain will heal.

 

[jonazo91]

Unfortunately I did even worse last night, ended up going twice, the second time took me up to 4am again. The whole time my body was begging me to just go to bed. Sometimes I get in a mood where simply going to sleep sounds so painfully boring I can’t bear to do it. It’s hard to explain. Sometimes I do just lay there in bed unable to fall asleep because my mind is racing. But last night I was so very tired I’m sure I would’ve fallen asleep earlier if I tried. But I’m stubborn and stayed up.

Today I have some things on my agenda. I woke up at noon, which is a pretty lame feeling at my age, and now I’m headed to a movie, and later to see my parents. I’m hoping I can make a good day of it. I’m ready to take back control of my life.

I will quit porn. I still know that. But I need to get started on it in earnest now.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Well, that's how dopamine works, especially for addicts. With dopamine, we want more than we can "eat". Dopamine gives you a crazy excitement, you feel alive, you feel great and then you think that the relapse is going to make you feel even more unbelievable and then you realize that the whole "wanting" is more overwhelming than the reward itself. It leaves you with a feeling of: "Why the fuck did I even do this? At the end, I didn't even get as high as I thought I was going to get." Just happened to me 2 days ago. One second of dopamine frenzy was all I needed to decide I was going to relapse just to get the "unbelievable high". After 5 minutes I saw I wasn't feeling shit anymore. I could've stopped there but as I had made the decision to get high, I was willing to do anything to get it. And the whole bullshit experience was a waste of time. So what all those fuckin things tell us? It ain't worth it, man.

 

[jonazo91]

Been a long time. I'm okay. I've been to three therapy sessions so far and I think it's going well. I used porn on Monday night last. More frequently, I've been sometimes peeking at "p-subs" on youtube for a few minutes and then bailing. I don't know. Right now, I feel optimistic. I'm on vacation in a camper and had a great weekend with the wife.

 

[Jinx2109]

Great to have you back! Glad you're OK and that it sounds like things are looking up. Celebrate each win

 

[jonazo91]

Well since then I've PMOed twice, once last night and then again this morning. I know the "reasons"/triggers in my head. It's funny, the process of identifying triggers is of course necessary, but the addict brain also tends to use it as an excuse. And then listing the triggers after the fact almost seems like making justifications, which I don't want to do. I relapsed because I wanted to, evidently more than I wanted to get well and recover. The question now is, how do I snap right out of it and get back on track.

I've been lazy lately. Not only with my porn recovery, but it's clearly showing up there too. But in general. I'm walking around with low energy, wasting too much time playing video games and staying up too late. I need to hold myself to a stricter and more productive schedule.

 

[jonazo91]

Been relapsing. I’m regressing and I gotta cut it out right now.

 

[jonazo91]

I’ve been using my therapy sessions as an excuse not to post here but I’m going to try and stop that trend. I need to continue journaling my progress (or lack thereof) in any case. I used porn again today. Also last night. Before that I’d gone about 4 and a half days. That’s not really very good. I kind of have the attitude right now that “well, once my therapy kicks in I’ll be all set and porn won’t be a problem anymore.” Now, I do want to try and let go of my anxiety around my porn use. It is what it is. When I obsess and get my mood way down, the porn use only gets worse. But I can’t just ignore it. That’s the point of this journal. Just to document. I’m going to try my best not to judge and make declarations about myself or my character or any of that. Just to document my behavior and my feelings. And I’m bringing back my stats, in the spirit of no judgment, just data help me be aware and to keep myself accountable.

Porn last week: not tracked
Porn this week: 2
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

Checking in, no porn today. Had sex with my wife and it was good. Was a little tired throughout the day but what else is new? Not a horrible day overall.

Porn last week: not tracked
Porn this week: 2
Day 1.

 

[jonazo91]

Last night I went out and drank for a while, came home after my wife was asleep, and I looked at porn. I had a feeling I would do this, and I should have done more to stop it but I just didn’t have much resistance in me. I wish I hadn’t as I feel worse about myself than if I hadn’t. I’m not particularly hungover but I still have the emotional hangover of having looked at porn the night before. Today we’re going to the beach, but my wife left earlier this morning to run some errands and I didn’t come with her, partly because I wanted to sleep in, but partly because I still felt guilty and ashamed of what I did last night.


Porn last week: not tracked
Porn this week: 3
Day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

The rest of the weekend has gone a little better so far. I’m feeling a little tired and irritable but we had a nice beach day and then today a dinner and movie date. My wife lightly chided me for looking at girls at the beach, but she wasn’t actually too mad. In my defense, they were about 30 feet from us and directly in my field of view. I was looking, but I was trying not to ogle and stare. But I’m only a man, and they were right in front of me. Even still, I don’t want to be the guy that ogles women in front of his wife. Anyway, it wasn’t a blowup. But she did catch me. I felt a little guilty but she also felt guilty for calling me out and embarrassing me, I think.

Still wish I hadn’t watched porn Friday night. I can still feel the damper it’s put on my mood two nights later.

Porn last week: 3
Porn this week: 0
Day 2.

 

[CloseToToast]

You've got this! Keep pushing forward and i hope the mood lifts soon! the first few days are always the hardest, do what you have to do to push through, you never know which next day will be the one that makes it that much easier. Could be tomorrow